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Original poster

I have a dilemma - I need help

141 replies

IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:06

Posting in AIBU for traffic and I'm a long time user who has name changed for this

TL:DR - should I go to Australia to see if our relationship would work?

Full story

20 years ago I had a short relationship with a lovely bloke, unfortunately he'd already started the balls in motion to move to Oz for work, he asked me to go with him but I didn't want to leave family (mum) as she hadn't been well so to cut a long story short he left. I was heartbroken, he was heartbroken, it was an awful time.

We kept in touch over the years, updating each other on our relationships, work etc, and became great friends, video chatting 3 or 4 times a year, WhatsApping occasionally, our partners got involved in some of the chats and we all got on great. I always considered him my 'one that got away' and I think he did too, although it was never mentioned. We lost touch around 10 years ago, as his wife (not the same partner as previous), didn't like that we kept in touch, he was loyal to his wife and we agreed to dial back the friendship...eventually it fizzled out.

Fast forward to the last 6 months, my marriage has all but ended, just waiting for the divorce to be finalised and I'm much happier, it's all amicable. I've also just been made redundant after 25 years at the same company so have a few quid in my pocket for the first time.

About 2 months ago I signed up to Facebook and within 2 days the one that got away had found me, we started talking again and it was great, sadly his relationship had also broken down, his ex wife had moved back to England and he stayed in Oz with their son. About a month ago during a chat, the subject of our relationship came up, he said his feelings had changed towards me and he wondered what would have happened if we hadn't split up. We've got really close in the last month, we talk every day, we have the same interests and values, we work(ed) in the same field, have the same sense of humour and I get ridiculous butterflies when I think of him!

I jokingly said that I'd go to see him and all of a sudden it's snowballed and he's actually asked me if I want to, or he could come here and we could have a month or so together to see how it goes, if it goes well one of us makes the move at some point in the future.

I'm sooooo tempted to go and see where this leads, it could be my last chance at love, and if it doesn't work I've not lost anything. Obviously this will be discussed further and won't happen until Covid fucks off but would I be mad to go?

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 23/09/2020 17:08

If you can afford it why not? It might be great.. It might not. Maybe stay near but not with him? If it works could one of you move permenantly?

Abraid2 · 23/09/2020 17:10

On a practical level Covid travel restrictions would make this very hard.

Entry to Australia is closed, except for Australian citizens and permanent residents or those with an exemption
All travellers entering Australia need to undertake a mandatory 14-day quarantine at a designated facility (for example a hotel) at their port of arrival
Australian citizens, including dual nationals, and permanent residents need an exemption to leave Australia unless ordinarily resident in a country outside of Australia.

Di11y · 23/09/2020 17:10

Sounds like you'd be kicking yourself if you didn't give it another go.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:11

@Gizlotsmum

If you can afford it why not? It might be great.. It might not. Maybe stay near but not with him? If it works could one of you move permenantly?
That's my thinking, what have I got to lose? My plan was to stay in a hotel we've talked about staying at, I wouldn't stay at his as he has his son living with him.

Would definitely consider a permanent move, one way or another

OP posts:
Enough4me · 23/09/2020 17:13

It's not your last chance at love and you need to take the rose-tinted glasses off. However, if you can visit for a month or so as a friend and get to know each other again then you assess whether this could work.

Before spending money, energy and emotions on him do some more digging. What are his long-term goals, what are his priorities for his son?

SheepandCow · 23/09/2020 17:15

@Abraid2

On a practical level Covid travel restrictions would make this very hard.

Entry to Australia is closed, except for Australian citizens and permanent residents or those with an exemption
All travellers entering Australia need to undertake a mandatory 14-day quarantine at a designated facility (for example a hotel) at their port of arrival
Australian citizens, including dual nationals, and permanent residents need an exemption to leave Australia unless ordinarily resident in a country outside of Australia.

This. Australia is protecting its residents from Covid.

You're in for a long wait. Their borders are likely to remain closed for at least a year.
Sorry.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:15

I know, I did say in my post it would be after Covid has gone away, if it ever bloody goes away

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 23/09/2020 17:16

Why not?! Doesn’t sound like you’ve got anything to lose by giving it a go

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2020 17:17

My only question is why wouldn't you go? I see no reason not to. It's not as though he's some stranger you met in a chat room. You only get one go around in this life. Go for it.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:18

@Enough4me

It's not your last chance at love and you need to take the rose-tinted glasses off. However, if you can visit for a month or so as a friend and get to know each other again then you assess whether this could work.

Before spending money, energy and emotions on him do some more digging. What are his long-term goals, what are his priorities for his son?

That's the plan, to visit for a month and see how things go.

Long term goals the same as me, his son is 22 and moving out with his girlfriend next year, they plan to go and do some travelling, again when covid is over so hopefully this would coincide with my trip. Would give us the month or so to really get to know one another.

Or he might come here yet, it's an ongoing discussion

OP posts:
Gobelinoisawitchescat · 23/09/2020 17:19

How old is his son? Am assuming adult?

Gobelinoisawitchescat · 23/09/2020 17:20

Sorry cross posted there. I’d maybe go for say 4- weeks once you can and go from there. Although maybe better if he could come here.

MJMG2015 · 23/09/2020 17:20

How old is his son? How are things with his son's mum?

I presume you don't have any dependent children? If not, you'd be mad not to go (when you can). You have nothing to lose )but airfares/hotel costs), why wouldn't you?

I think though, you need to go for as long as you can (Legally) stay for as a holiday won't give you any idea whether it has legs or not.

Bloody hell, first bit of excitement/happiness I've read on here for months!

Yummyplainscones · 23/09/2020 17:20

Go for it. Don’t live the rest of your life thinking what if.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:21

@Aquamarine1029

My only question is why wouldn't you go? I see no reason not to. It's not as though he's some stranger you met in a chat room. You only get one go around in this life. Go for it.
I know right, it's just such a big thing to consider but again there's nothing stopping me. I don't have kids and mum is no longer here, I've got no ties apart from the house which I'd either sell or rent out further down the line
OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 23/09/2020 17:21

X posted

Theatrically · 23/09/2020 17:21

Sorry to say but Australia is impossible to move to right now and will be for the foreseeable future. If you intend to move on a partner visa there are backlogs of up to 2 years at the moment:

www.sbs.com.au/language/english/married-but-living-apart-australia-s-partner-visa-processing-times-blow-out-due-to-covid-19

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:23

@MJMG2015

How old is his son? How are things with his son's mum?

I presume you don't have any dependent children? If not, you'd be mad not to go (when you can). You have nothing to lose )but airfares/hotel costs), why wouldn't you?

I think though, you need to go for as long as you can (Legally) stay for as a holiday won't give you any idea whether it has legs or not.

Bloody hell, first bit of excitement/happiness I've read on here for months!

Thinks are amicable with his son's (22) mum, she got homesick and wanted to go home, he and he son wanted to stay, lots of soul searching and she decided to go home. She's now remarried.

I do feel excited but also a bit apprehensive but not sure why lol

OP posts:
Florencex · 23/09/2020 17:24

It sounds like it is worth exploring. Practically I doubt you will be able to get there until the middle of next year however. I am not up to speed on restrictions on Australians leaving Australia, I do hold Australian citizenship but I am currently residing in the UK.

If things go well, do you know what path you would have to move to Australia? It is a while since I looked into it but it used to be that to qualify for the partnership visa you would need to prove 12 months of living together or be married. Would he be willing to move back to the UK, where I assume he is from?

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:24

@Gobelinoisawitchescat

Sorry cross posted there. I’d maybe go for say 4- weeks once you can and go from there. Although maybe better if he could come here.
That would be the plan, we need to have that discussion but he is quite happy to come here - it wouldn't be any sooner than 6 months or so down the line if covid wasn't around.
OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 23/09/2020 17:25

If his son is 22, then surely you could stay with him? Maybe show a little restraint & start off in a spare room! 🤣. But his son is an adult, not a child.

It'll not only save you unnecessary expense, but it'll give you a much better idea if you work together. & if it's not working you can always leave & see some of Aus.

Can you think of ANY reason not to go?
I mean, even if you decide just to be friends, you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what if...

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:25

[quote Theatrically]Sorry to say but Australia is impossible to move to right now and will be for the foreseeable future. If you intend to move on a partner visa there are backlogs of up to 2 years at the moment:

www.sbs.com.au/language/english/married-but-living-apart-australia-s-partner-visa-processing-times-blow-out-due-to-covid-19[/quote]
I know, we've chatted a bit about it, it's still early doors so we haven't looked into it properly yet plus he said he's happy to come here

OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 23/09/2020 17:27

He's more likely to be able to come here before you can go there, so maybe do that? Then if it's looking good, you can go there.

MsEllany · 23/09/2020 17:27

For me - no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t like to be that far away. But Canada (where I do have a ‘one that got away’) and other circumstances were the same - then yes I would!

I think that finally your stars are aligning, and obviously COVID will also bugger off to support that Wink.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:28

@Florencex

It sounds like it is worth exploring. Practically I doubt you will be able to get there until the middle of next year however. I am not up to speed on restrictions on Australians leaving Australia, I do hold Australian citizenship but I am currently residing in the UK.

If things go well, do you know what path you would have to move to Australia? It is a while since I looked into it but it used to be that to qualify for the partnership visa you would need to prove 12 months of living together or be married. Would he be willing to move back to the UK, where I assume he is from?

Thanks for the advice, it's still in the very early stages, we haven't done any research yet, we were just going to plan the month either there or here and go from there. He would be quite happy to move back but I know how much he likes it there and I'd be quite happy to move once everything is ironed out - no matter how long it takes
OP posts: