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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a dilemma - I need help

141 replies

IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:06

Posting in AIBU for traffic and I'm a long time user who has name changed for this

TL:DR - should I go to Australia to see if our relationship would work?

Full story

20 years ago I had a short relationship with a lovely bloke, unfortunately he'd already started the balls in motion to move to Oz for work, he asked me to go with him but I didn't want to leave family (mum) as she hadn't been well so to cut a long story short he left. I was heartbroken, he was heartbroken, it was an awful time.

We kept in touch over the years, updating each other on our relationships, work etc, and became great friends, video chatting 3 or 4 times a year, WhatsApping occasionally, our partners got involved in some of the chats and we all got on great. I always considered him my 'one that got away' and I think he did too, although it was never mentioned. We lost touch around 10 years ago, as his wife (not the same partner as previous), didn't like that we kept in touch, he was loyal to his wife and we agreed to dial back the friendship...eventually it fizzled out.

Fast forward to the last 6 months, my marriage has all but ended, just waiting for the divorce to be finalised and I'm much happier, it's all amicable. I've also just been made redundant after 25 years at the same company so have a few quid in my pocket for the first time.

About 2 months ago I signed up to Facebook and within 2 days the one that got away had found me, we started talking again and it was great, sadly his relationship had also broken down, his ex wife had moved back to England and he stayed in Oz with their son. About a month ago during a chat, the subject of our relationship came up, he said his feelings had changed towards me and he wondered what would have happened if we hadn't split up. We've got really close in the last month, we talk every day, we have the same interests and values, we work(ed) in the same field, have the same sense of humour and I get ridiculous butterflies when I think of him!

I jokingly said that I'd go to see him and all of a sudden it's snowballed and he's actually asked me if I want to, or he could come here and we could have a month or so together to see how it goes, if it goes well one of us makes the move at some point in the future.

I'm sooooo tempted to go and see where this leads, it could be my last chance at love, and if it doesn't work I've not lost anything. Obviously this will be discussed further and won't happen until Covid fucks off but would I be mad to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 21:49

His ex already had the boy when they met, he's known him most of his life and is the only dad he's known

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 21:50

tara66 I'm younger than 49, not by much but I've a few years yet

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 23/09/2020 21:52

OMG Yes go, of course!! This is so perfect, what a lovely story! Please keep us updated. But woohoo! So excited for you!!

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 21:53

Exactly choli, according to his dad he doesn't really remember the uk.

OP posts:
NewnameNelly · 23/09/2020 21:57

Go! You have one life, be happy x

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:04

Interesting that the wife wanted to move back to England and he invites you to Oz

Interesting how, she's been back over here a few years

OP posts:
Pinkypie86 · 23/09/2020 22:05

Do it!! I hope it works out - honestly, it sounds like you may finally get your one that got away.
I love this. A little light of happiness on a shitty day! :)

willloman · 23/09/2020 22:06

Yeah, go for it. Only one life, eh?

giletrouge · 23/09/2020 22:06

Spot the flaw. In his long term committed relationship he didn't want to go to the UK. So much so that he was willing to lose the relationship.
Now he thinks he might.
Why?

serenoa · 23/09/2020 22:08

Covid-19 is your obstacle at the moment. I'm convinced it's always going to be with us to some extent, we're just going to have to develop vaccines as we've done for 'flu, measles, polio, plague, all the other diseases that are still out there after centuries rampaging over the world. Once we have vaccines we will push the virus far enough away so that over time, we'll achieve some kind of equilibrium where we can resume what we can call a normal life again.

This might be to your advantage, for both of you. There doesn't seem to be any reason why you shouldn't be optimistic that you two have a future together, it wouldn't be taking a jump into the unknown. That waiting period could be the chance to develop your relationship as far as the virus situation allows without feeling any pressure to make that change before you're really ready.

It sounds like your once-in-a-lifetime has come back again and you have a really lovely chance at making it permanent; I'd definitely not want to give that up because it seems too difficult right now.

Wishing you both lots of happiness.

mayflowerapplepie · 23/09/2020 22:09

While I think it would be great to take a holiday and visit him and see what happens, please see it as that. Definitely no moving of anyone overseas- it is SO much pressure

I would also really really discourage it just now. You literally won’t be allowed to come to Australia. If he comes to the UK and then wants to fly home to Australia currently it will cost him $10k plus for a one way trip plus $3k quarantine costs. It is unclear when that will cease. There have been people waiting months to get back to Australia. I don’t think now is the time either of you will be meeting up (which makes me sad because this is totally worth at least a try!)

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:09

giletrouge I don't understand what you mean

OP posts:
Vgbeat · 23/09/2020 22:11

Do it. Life is short and if nothing else it would be a great adventure. Sometimes in life you just have to go for things.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:14

mayfloweapplepie we have no plans 'just now', I've said from the beginning it will be once Covid has disappeared. If it disappears.

It's just in the talking about stage at the moment, we'll cross any bridges if and when the time comes. We know this isn't something that's going to happen overnight, we'll talk, make loose plans, see where it goes until we can actually do it

OP posts:
DFAMA · 23/09/2020 22:17

Do it! Worst case scenario is it doesn't work out and you get a month's holiday in Australia and you're not left wondering what could have been

MayFayre · 23/09/2020 22:18

Go for it. Good luck!

giletrouge · 23/09/2020 22:22

Really?
In one relationship it splits up BECAUSE he won't come to the UK.
You think he'll come to the UK.
Why is this relationship different? What makes you think he'll come to the UK?

Trenisenne · 23/09/2020 22:25

I didn't move to China in almost the same circumstances - just got together with someone when he was on the point of leaving. 15 years later, I still wonder what could have been. From that point of view, I would say don't hesitate.

However. Would you be willing to move there? Or are you just opening yourself up to another heartbreakingly difficult decision? Could you make that decision all over again and be okay with it?

(I still think you should go Smile)

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:33

giletrouge he would only be coming to the uk for a month or so, not permanently.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:37

Trennisene yes I would be willing to move there if it was possible. If it doesn't work I can come home

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 22:38

Sorry Trenisenne

OP posts:
Devlesko · 23/09/2020 22:40

should I go to Australia to see if our relationship would work?

Why would Geography make the slightest difference.

nettie434 · 23/09/2020 22:47

Just wishing you good luck IHateSuzie. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.

HoppingPavlova · 23/09/2020 23:00

I'd be leaving on the first jet plane to Oz!

That’s quite hilarious at present. We are all trapped, can’t get out or in. There is an extremely long queue of citizens trying to get back in and the Govnt is bringing them back in, I believe groups of 200 at a time(??), due to current lack of quarantine facilities. It will take forever for them all to be processed back in at this rate. Some random potential would-be girlfriend will not be considered, only citizens in the queue. There are mothers that have been separated from their small children for several months now (went overseas initially as parent dying/died etc) still in the queue with no end in sight. It’s not just no ‘in’, there is also no ‘out’ as the Govnt won’t let citizens out at the moment as they don’t want the debacle of them joining the queue to get back in - even if they claim they are leaving for good with no intention of return, still a no.

So, at this point based on current predictions by Govnt she has roughly 9mths to give this all a good think. Acting in haste won’t be a problemGrin.

feelingfree17 · 23/09/2020 23:15

Get on that plane the first opportunity you get! You have nothing to lose. If nothing comes of it you will still have a wonderful adventure.