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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a dilemma - I need help

141 replies

IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:06

Posting in AIBU for traffic and I'm a long time user who has name changed for this

TL:DR - should I go to Australia to see if our relationship would work?

Full story

20 years ago I had a short relationship with a lovely bloke, unfortunately he'd already started the balls in motion to move to Oz for work, he asked me to go with him but I didn't want to leave family (mum) as she hadn't been well so to cut a long story short he left. I was heartbroken, he was heartbroken, it was an awful time.

We kept in touch over the years, updating each other on our relationships, work etc, and became great friends, video chatting 3 or 4 times a year, WhatsApping occasionally, our partners got involved in some of the chats and we all got on great. I always considered him my 'one that got away' and I think he did too, although it was never mentioned. We lost touch around 10 years ago, as his wife (not the same partner as previous), didn't like that we kept in touch, he was loyal to his wife and we agreed to dial back the friendship...eventually it fizzled out.

Fast forward to the last 6 months, my marriage has all but ended, just waiting for the divorce to be finalised and I'm much happier, it's all amicable. I've also just been made redundant after 25 years at the same company so have a few quid in my pocket for the first time.

About 2 months ago I signed up to Facebook and within 2 days the one that got away had found me, we started talking again and it was great, sadly his relationship had also broken down, his ex wife had moved back to England and he stayed in Oz with their son. About a month ago during a chat, the subject of our relationship came up, he said his feelings had changed towards me and he wondered what would have happened if we hadn't split up. We've got really close in the last month, we talk every day, we have the same interests and values, we work(ed) in the same field, have the same sense of humour and I get ridiculous butterflies when I think of him!

I jokingly said that I'd go to see him and all of a sudden it's snowballed and he's actually asked me if I want to, or he could come here and we could have a month or so together to see how it goes, if it goes well one of us makes the move at some point in the future.

I'm sooooo tempted to go and see where this leads, it could be my last chance at love, and if it doesn't work I've not lost anything. Obviously this will be discussed further and won't happen until Covid fucks off but would I be mad to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:29

@MJMG2015

He's more likely to be able to come here before you can go there, so maybe do that? Then if it's looking good, you can go there.
Exactly
OP posts:
pincertoe · 23/09/2020 17:31

So long as you don't have kids of your own then go for it. As others have said it may take a long time move their but let your feelings grow and be open to move.

My dm did and while I wish she hadn't on the whole she is haply out there.

If you had children no matter their age I would say no. I miss my mum, our relationship isn't the same and never will be and she is missing out in DGC.

Original poster
IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:31

@MsEllany

For me - no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t like to be that far away. But Canada (where I do have a ‘one that got away’) and other circumstances were the same - then yes I would!

I think that finally your stars are aligning, and obviously COVID will also bugger off to support that Wink.

I lived in Canada for a few years when I was younger, in Calgary, I don't blame you for wanting to go. It's on our list of places to visit together, who knows, we could end up moving there!

COVID needs to bugger off now

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 23/09/2020 17:34

Would he be willing to move back to the UK?

I understand Australia's boarders are shut and that it will be a while before they open.

I worry that you will go out there and have a great month and want to stay or return and not being allowed. Would you qualify to return to live and work in Australia? Would he be able to support you until you get the right to work etc.

I know that you said that you have lost your job recently? Are you planning to get another on? Again this could be a factor in getting a visa .

GameSetMatch · 23/09/2020 17:34

Go! What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll have a lovely holiday and it May lead to something more...

Rosesarere · 23/09/2020 17:37

Go, have an amazing time, if it doesn't work out you have still had an amazing holiday, enjoy

Rosesarere · 23/09/2020 17:37

Go, have an amazing time, if it doesn't work out you have still had an amazing holiday, enjoy

bellajay · 23/09/2020 17:43

Gosh - at first I thought no way but I’ve kind of bought into your story. If you can do it without causing too much disruption in your life and you’ve got a safety net/back up plan if it goes wrong quickly then why not?

2bazookas · 23/09/2020 17:44

let him come to you for a trial month as suggested ; if it doesn't work out nothing lost.

MadameMeursault · 23/09/2020 17:48

Go for it! You only live once, and life is short, and you should only regret the things you didn’t do, and all the other clichés I can think of! What’s the worst that can happen if it doesn’t work out? You’ll have had a nice holiday at least!

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 23/09/2020 17:51

Yes, I'd go, or plan to. Tbh, by the time travel restrictions are lifted, things may be clearer anyway. For instance, you'll presumably be looking for another job at some point, and either of you might meet someone else unexpectedly in the meantime. You'll have done a whole lot more talking by then too. I doubt by the time it's possible it will be a dilemma anymore.

Nice to read a happy thread!

valtandsinegar · 23/09/2020 17:53

It sounds like the stars have aligned, with you both being single and your redundancy. As the kids say... YOLO Wink

BlueSuffragette · 23/09/2020 17:54

Don't live with regrets.
You have no ties here now.
What have you got to lose?
Give it a go. 4 weeks when you can.
Great holiday, chance to catch up with your long lost love, maybe the start of a new chapter in your life.
How exciting. Smile

Roowig2020 · 23/09/2020 17:55

I'd be leaving on the first jet plane to Oz! How exciting! What have you got to lose?

Evasmissingletter · 23/09/2020 18:20

Do it

Positivevibesonlyplease · 23/09/2020 18:21

Please go, as soon as it’s practical to do so. I hope it works out for you. How exciting to have this chance!

Azif · 23/09/2020 18:21

Do it. See it as a long holiday. What a wonderful opportunity to see Australia and maybe find love again Smile

LakieLady · 23/09/2020 18:25

Go for it. You'll spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been if you don't and it may well work out perfectly.

I'm something of a believer in the old maxim that it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't.

Good luck!

Biggles001 · 23/09/2020 18:31

Go!! You have absolutely nothing to lose!!

RaininSummer · 23/09/2020 18:32

Do it once Covid lets you as it will at least be a lovely holiday and you never know do you?

Bargebill19 · 23/09/2020 18:36

If you didn’t try, would you regret not seeing how things went? Would it be a regret when you were in a care home/dying?
If yes - then find a way to see that man!

user1536853684 · 23/09/2020 18:38

I don't think internet closeness is the same as real closeness, and I would be very wary of uprooting myself to move to the other side of the world on that basis.

It is very easy for both of you to fall in love with your respective fantasies and the people you remember from decades ago rather than each other.

How easy would it be for you to row back (mentally not just practically) if you realised this was the case once together in person?

user1536853684 · 23/09/2020 18:40

If you didn’t try, would you regret not seeing how things went? Would it be a regret when you were in a care home/dying?

The regrets from jumping into it could be just as bad if it messed your life up. It's about weighing both sides not simply trying to exclude any regrets from life (which is not possible).

pawsies · 23/09/2020 18:41

How's your mum now? I'd be hesitant to move away if it would make it difficult to get back to your mum in an emergency, or any family member for that matter.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 23/09/2020 18:43

DO IT!

Don't let this continue to be the biggest regret you will carry.

I met DH on a 3 week holiday in US. Had no interest in ever moving away from my family, but damned cupid got in the way. We wrote back and forth, and talked on the phone every day (so expensive back in the day) and 6 months later I left for a 3 month trial being together. We've been married 40 years in a few months. Never regretted it.

I think when you know, you know.

Best of luck, OP. Keep us posted.