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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a dilemma - I need help

141 replies

IHateSuzie · 23/09/2020 17:06

Posting in AIBU for traffic and I'm a long time user who has name changed for this

TL:DR - should I go to Australia to see if our relationship would work?

Full story

20 years ago I had a short relationship with a lovely bloke, unfortunately he'd already started the balls in motion to move to Oz for work, he asked me to go with him but I didn't want to leave family (mum) as she hadn't been well so to cut a long story short he left. I was heartbroken, he was heartbroken, it was an awful time.

We kept in touch over the years, updating each other on our relationships, work etc, and became great friends, video chatting 3 or 4 times a year, WhatsApping occasionally, our partners got involved in some of the chats and we all got on great. I always considered him my 'one that got away' and I think he did too, although it was never mentioned. We lost touch around 10 years ago, as his wife (not the same partner as previous), didn't like that we kept in touch, he was loyal to his wife and we agreed to dial back the friendship...eventually it fizzled out.

Fast forward to the last 6 months, my marriage has all but ended, just waiting for the divorce to be finalised and I'm much happier, it's all amicable. I've also just been made redundant after 25 years at the same company so have a few quid in my pocket for the first time.

About 2 months ago I signed up to Facebook and within 2 days the one that got away had found me, we started talking again and it was great, sadly his relationship had also broken down, his ex wife had moved back to England and he stayed in Oz with their son. About a month ago during a chat, the subject of our relationship came up, he said his feelings had changed towards me and he wondered what would have happened if we hadn't split up. We've got really close in the last month, we talk every day, we have the same interests and values, we work(ed) in the same field, have the same sense of humour and I get ridiculous butterflies when I think of him!

I jokingly said that I'd go to see him and all of a sudden it's snowballed and he's actually asked me if I want to, or he could come here and we could have a month or so together to see how it goes, if it goes well one of us makes the move at some point in the future.

I'm sooooo tempted to go and see where this leads, it could be my last chance at love, and if it doesn't work I've not lost anything. Obviously this will be discussed further and won't happen until Covid fucks off but would I be mad to go?

OP posts:

Rangoon · 23/09/2020 23:19

I would go and visit him when the borders are reopened but being realistic this could be quite a long time. The thing is that you are not just working out whether a relationship with him is possible but whether you would be happy living in Australia. Many immigrants don't realise that it's not just an Antipodean version of the UK and are very unhappy. I'm a New Zealander but the same scenario plays out here.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/09/2020 23:26

His son is 22 but you dated him 20 years ago? I'm assuming that's just a typo on the dates/age? Or is this actually a bit messier than you've described? Because if so it might make moving there and fitting into his life in Oz harder than otherwise.

But assuming typo - I think it's great that you're going to pursue this.

I'm glad you're going to suggest he comes here first. I think you need to be mindful of the need to financially secure your future. A 25 year redundancy payout can seem like a lot of money but if you have difficulty finding another job and then end up moving to Oz and having to find a job again, you could eat through it quite easily. If you're likely to find it anything but easy to find another job, be conservative in the risks you take without another guarantee fo income.

If you do end up going, make sure you have an exit plan that won't break your bank if it doesn't work out.

Go for it, but plan well for the worst. If you are approaching 50 you need to be sure you don't blow your position financially as it is difficult to recover at this age.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 23/09/2020 23:29

Do go when travel becomes possible, OP! Or, as you say, encourage him to come over here. Try not to get lost inside a romantic fantasy, but do keep your mind and heart open to the possibility. Treat it as good friends visiting each other, and see where you go from there.

Even if you don't hit it off, at least you'll know. The worst thing would be to shy away from meeting him again, and spend the rest of your life wondering ...

I know several couples who met or had a brief relationship when they were young, then got together again very happily decades later. Best of luck, and I hope it works out happily.

MuthaFunka61 · 23/09/2020 23:50

Another go for it vote here.

You've got your head on straight and lots of good advice has been given. The only thing I will add is don't be in a rush to get it wrong but under current circumstances it doesn't seem like anyone's rushing any where.

G'luck and go well

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2020 23:57

It sounds like a great opportunity to see an old love and have fun, and to enjoy each others company. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Things looks rough at the moment with Covid but it will change at some point. I'd focus on re-building the relationship long term and see what happens.

Good luck.

Original poster

IHateSuzie · 24/09/2020 05:47

Boomboomscousin her ex had her son before they met, he's technically his stepson but he's the only dad he's ever known

OP posts:

festfestfest · 24/09/2020 05:55

Something about the story doesn't make sense. Are you sure he's telling you the truth?

Have I got the timeline right:
20 years ago - you have a short relationship, he moves to Aus
then - he meets someone out there, they are together for a few years
in between - he meets and marries someone who already has a child who is ? how old? 10 or so?
10 years ago - wife makes him cut contact. Child is 12
a few years ago - wife decides to come back to the UK. He doesn't want to so they break up. Child is? 17 or so? And she leaves him with his stepdad in Australia who has only known him since he was a primary school kid and she, his biological mother, moves halfway around the world??
Now - child is 22 and is still living with stepdad who didn't want to move to the UK. But you said now He would be quite happy to move back. So he's changed his mind about the UK and he's also happy to abandon the stepchild with no parental figures in Australia?

I'd be wondering whether something else is going on, if the child is actually biologically his and he was cheating on the wife with you? or maybe the wife didn't really leave Australia? Or whether he really has any intention of coming back to the uk? I just think it doesn't really add up.

festfestfest · 24/09/2020 06:12

Aside from the strangeness of his back story, I don't think you can brush off the practical problems. Australia is getting on top of Covid but the UK is nowhere near. There's no current prospect of the borders opening up to allow anyone in or out.

When they do open up, who knows what the cost of international travel will be, or what the visa situation will be? Even under the current system you would have to live together for 12 months before being able to apply for a partner visa. So you would have to be able to get a visa under your own steam, or he would need to move back to the UK.

So I wouldn't put your life on hold. Stay in touch yes, but look for another job, carry on as normal etc. Who knows how long it will be until there will be a vaccine? And how long after that before borders open? It could be years. One of you could meet someone else in that time, or anything could happen. When you finally meet up, it might not be the same in person. So I'd just be cautious about getting too caught up at the moment.

Leimarel · 24/09/2020 13:27

Sadly the turmoil the world is in at the moment means a meeting any time soon is unlikely - and your online relationship may well continue, with you both making plans for the future and idealising each other.

When you do eventually meet, you may find the chemistry you once had has disappeared.

I hope everything works out for you, but pinning hopes on 'the one that got away' being The One is a tad unrealistic right now.

TheHoneyFactory · 24/09/2020 13:46

Do it. Aus entry issues aside....Do it. Plan for a holiday. Post covid Go with a visit mindset and reconnect - have fun, make new bonds and memories and see what you feel getting to know the current version of you & him.
in the meantime keep chatting, flirting having fun (ahhh fond memories and massive phone bills back in the day...)

Honestly and speaking from experience, if anything will test the bounds of your reconnection it will be doing a few stints of long distance (in the process of making up your mind/sorting out life) and dealing with Australian immigration (and not being unkind but your age getting a visa makes things slightly more difficult/ more of a wait for spousal visa rather than working holiday & applying onshore which is much easier time and $$ wise). But Aus immi is not fun.

if you do move to be with him....Always have a fuck off fund (escape cash).

Goodluck and go for it OP!

AlternativePerspective · 24/09/2020 15:19

Tbh I think he’s lying.

AlternativePerspective · 24/09/2020 15:23

Fgs, my posts keep posting before I’ve finished them....

I think he’s lying and that this child is actually his, that you were possibly unknowingly the OW, and that he and the child’s mother were already planning to emigrate to Australia. It was convenient for him to end the relationship then.

And the reason she had an issue with his talking to you is likely because he has a history of infidelity.

There is no way any mother would leave Australia and leave a child with a man who was not his father and had only been in his life for a few years, behind. But if he was actually the child’s father, then letting him stay would have been an option given he was a teenager then.

If you were divorcing the step parent, while you might allow contact if they lived nearby, most people wouldn’t emigrate without the child and leave them with said step parent.

WildfirePonie · 24/09/2020 19:20

OP I don't think he would move to the UK for you though. If things got serious and the discussion comes up - you will have to move to Australia. He split with his ex because he didn't want to move back. So you have to decide if you want to move to Australia if it works out.

MJMG2015 · 24/09/2020 22:23

@WildfirePonie

That's not what she said! She said he split with his wife & she moved back to the UK.

giletrouge · 25/09/2020 07:17

MJMG2015 OP said - she got homesick and wanted to go home, he and he son wanted to stay, lots of soul searching and she decided to go home.
That's what I was trying to point out earlier, but OP doesn't want to see the flaw in her thinking.
He split with a long term partner because he wasn't willing to leave Aus - I would think this will happen again. And if OP cannot move to Aus, that'll be it.

randomer · 25/09/2020 07:59

Contact the woman who came back. It must have been some serious homesickness to leave her son and the idyllic life to be had in Oz.

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