People commenting on crying baby

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

First time poster, I’ve been lurking since my daughter was born 18 months ago.
First year of motherhood was very challenging for me, DD was very difficult (she wouldn’t feed, nap, sleep at night, inconsolable pretty much most of the time!) and I suffered awful PND, which I finally got help for and thankfully these last 6 months have been amazing. Don’t get me wrong, DD can still be a nightmare and she still doesn’t sleep well, but I’m really enjoying it now. I only mention this as it might be relevant to my post... I’m not sure if it’s left me a bit over sensitive!
But anyway, whenever I’m out with DD and she has a meltdown, I find so many people feel the need to stare or comment. Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating! I find it bad enough that she’s having a meltdown without random people unhelpfully highlighting to me that they can also see/hear the performance. Sometimes I’m close to tears myself and comments really don’t help. I’m getting better at semi-smiling (grimacing) and just walking quickly away, but it still really annoys me! Can people not just try and pretend they haven’t heard and carry on walking!? AIBU?

Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating!

I say things like that, it's meant in sympathy. Not commenting doesn't mean we don't hear it. A few times a new face talking to them has been enough to stop the meltdown and sometimes I even get a smile.

Some people stare then comment if they get caught staring

YABU, sounds like people are trying to be nice to you

I'm a commenter too it's a distraction and a solidarity thing for me.
Since mnet though I try and keep quiet it seems it's felt as critical by a few.

Only you can judge the tone, but it's perhaps also another person just acknowledging you and your DD instead of ignoring you. I will sometimes comment, but not in judgement - more in solidarity, as I've been there myself! The third party distraction often works with grizzly babies too. It may be meant kindly, not as a criticism that you can't quiet your baby.

I had people do this all the time i just figured they were being nice

I feel that ignoring and walking by is ignorant.

I'm sure that the people commenting are doing so for the same reason I do it, because we've been there and done that and are sympathizing with you. Acknowledging that you're having a crap time, through no fault of your own.

Perhaps it might seem a little 'patronizing' in how it comes over, but please be reassured that it's meant to be supportive, understanding and showing solidarity.
( but I'm going to try to think of something better to say, because I certainly don't want to add to anyone's distress)

Most people will be meaning "Poor you, that's a difficult job! You're doing very well coping with a difficult baby!" And even when they don't mean that, assume they do, and it'll be less annoying.

They likely are trying to make you feel better, like saying we’ve been there.

Most people do it to be kind and to reassure you that it happens and that it's ok/normal for young children to get upset.

You’re complaining people are ignorant

Yet here you are being ignorant yourself. Meltdown isn’t a word to be bandied about on mumsnet unless it’s to do with SN

It's fine so long as they don't offer suggestions. I can't stand it when (usually) random grannies want to 'helpfully' tell me that my toddler is screaming because he's hungry or cold or something. As if they know more about what he's wearing/has eaten today than I do...

Can people not just try and pretend they haven’t heard and carry on walking!?

No. If I see a parent dealing with a hysterical child then I may make a passing comment, because I think pretending not to hear and walking past is a bit daft.

In commenting ie NOT giving advice, or being cross about the noise, I'm letting you know that I empathise.

I've been in your position though and found myself muttering something between gritted teeth, but that's just me not handling the situation very well, or being frustrated with myself, or just fed up with howling child.

Yep, I say it so that people know that I am sympathetic- I worry that stony silence might be interpreted as disapproval! Just smile, roll your eyes and move on!

They are trying to show support. I hate the idea that we should all walk round like blank canvases, ignoring each other.

You're taking it the wrong way.

Yeah they are trying to be sympathetic and show solidarity. They aren't judging you, don't worry.

LoveNote Don't police people's language. The OP is perfectly entitled to use the word meltdown, it's not specific to SN.

Fair enough, thank you everyone. I did wonder if it’s just me being overly sensitive. Being up all night is probably blurring my senses! Although I would like to add I’m not talking about being in an actual place like a shop cafe or baby group etc. Literally just walking down a road and someone passing me going the other way!
Also I’m obviously doing something wrong if a stranger is able to console my baby better than me 😂

Ironic

Don’t police peoples language......on a thread where op is wanting to,er, police peoples language

I've seen people do this and sometimes the kid stops tantrumming because they are nosey and interested in the stranger.

I understand why you feel the way you do - I've felt the same but having been through the stage you're in, I have every sympathy for those going through it now.

Sorry you are having a tough time OP.

But I agree with the others it is meant kindly and in solidarity.
I had a grisly baby and sometimes strangers would talk to him- often the novelty and surprise of a new face and voice would instantly stop tears- if only for a minute.
I have done it myself to the crying babies of strangers- but now I know it isn't welcome I see I need to stop.

Dissenting voice I really don't like it much either!

Tone goes a long way though, if it's a sympathetic catching the eye and a smile then that's all fine by me but I really dislike being given advice by strangers. Must have had hundreds of people recommend me calpol for teething with DC1. They must have meant well but fuck me, yes I have heard of calpol and understand it's use in treating teething pain!

The worst is when a stranger is like “oooh they must be tired, due a nap”- when they’ve already had a 2 hour nap and aren’t tired and just in a shitty mood

Those people are trying to be nice. You know when people really are being nasty/patronising. I remember my bitch of a cousin, when my ds was a newborn, and myself a new mum trying to cope and breastfeed, made helpful comments such as "I prefer dogs to babies", and "doesn't your baby have an off switch?"

I went upstairs and sobbed as I breastfed my baby.

It's meant sympathetically / supportively but I agree it's actually just annoying. Possibly just different personality types.

I even had it with my 4yo yesterday who had fallen and skinned his knee pretty badly, we were walking home (I can't carry him as I'm heavily pregnant), and he was crying because he was in pain. Someone said to him "oh stop making all of that silly crying" - they clearly thought he was having a tantrum or something.

When he was a toddler having tantrums a stranger talking to him made it worse.

I know people mean well so I just smile.