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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People commenting on crying baby

102 replies

EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff · 23/09/2020 11:52

First time poster, I’ve been lurking since my daughter was born 18 months ago.
First year of motherhood was very challenging for me, DD was very difficult (she wouldn’t feed, nap, sleep at night, inconsolable pretty much most of the time!) and I suffered awful PND, which I finally got help for and thankfully these last 6 months have been amazing. Don’t get me wrong, DD can still be a nightmare and she still doesn’t sleep well, but I’m really enjoying it now. I only mention this as it might be relevant to my post... I’m not sure if it’s left me a bit over sensitive!
But anyway, whenever I’m out with DD and she has a meltdown, I find so many people feel the need to stare or comment. Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating! I find it bad enough that she’s having a meltdown without random people unhelpfully highlighting to me that they can also see/hear the performance. Sometimes I’m close to tears myself and comments really don’t help. I’m getting better at semi-smiling (grimacing) and just walking quickly away, but it still really annoys me! Can people not just try and pretend they haven’t heard and carry on walking!? AIBU?

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 23/09/2020 13:22

I think the problem is that this is one of those things that some people really like and appreciate and others don't, and a stranger doesn't know which you are.

I'm with you - I really disliked strangers commenting on it when DS cried as a baby/is kicking off as a toddler. I also wish people would just leave me alone if I fall over, and don't like it when people randomly comment and ask questions when they notice I'm pregnant. But I've also known other people to bitterly complain about it when people don't do any of those things, say that it shows the breakdown of society, etc.

So I think you just have to grit your teeth and smile back and be friendly because it is well meant and it's not their fault that we don't like it.

QueenoftheFarts · 23/09/2020 13:29

I would comment and it would be in solidarity/sympathy/compassion and as a means of connecting simply because I know how hideously isolating pnd can be when your baby is bawling and people walk on by like you are a useless parenting pariah. I used to think those people were such perfect smug bastards when my baby lost his shit and I looked like a bag of laundry trying to sort him out
I would have given anything for a benevolent smile or a friendly solidarity comment. I'd rather be an irritation than the person who failed to attempt some kind of reach out to another mum.

Adoptthisdogornot · 23/09/2020 13:29

Oh give over Lovenote, meltdown has been used for all kinds of things for donkeys years, its definitely not specific to SN, or nuclear reactors.

TokyoSushi · 23/09/2020 13:32

YANBU.

I HATED this! DS was a crier, all the bloomin' time and the comments, however they were meant, just made me feel even more conspicuous and embarrassed. I would much rather have just been ignored!

MentalLockdown · 23/09/2020 13:35

When the non essential shops started to open I was in town, so pleased to see other people.
Ended up queuing in the ladies. It was silent except for the very loud screaming of a baby from behind the changing room door. I broke the silence saying, ' that poor mother, mine are teenagers now'. Everyone else chipped in with there been there, suffered, got grand children, even great grand children, tough on the mum. It was a warm, supportive community which I'm sure the poor mum wrestling the crying child couldn't hear but was lovely after lockdown loneliness.

Magicbabywaves · 23/09/2020 13:36

Ignoring a mother who asks for help with their child is not the same as someone watching a crying child and passing comment.

bellinisurge · 23/09/2020 13:38

I might give you an encouraging smile and think to myself "not me today ".

MomToTwoBabas · 23/09/2020 13:40

OP they are trying to help you stop feeling like shit. 'I always say, oh bless him/her, mine was the same' which is bullshit mine was a boring baby that hardly ever cried but if he was like that I'd have felt like crap and appreciated a bit of support so I like to try and make other mums feel better. Noone can ignore a screaming baby can they. Rather they speak to you then move away in silence while giving you the eye.

notfromstepford · 23/09/2020 13:42

I think you may be being a little over sensitive as those comments seem to be from people trying to sympathise.

I remember being at the check out at M&S. DS1 was around 2 and was have a full on meltdown. I picked him up under my arm and he was kicking and screaming but if I'd have put him down he'd have run. I was trying to unpack my trolley and struggling. Lady on checkout said - don't worry my love, we've all been there. Then instructed the person behind to put my shopping on the conveyor, sorted my groceries out and packed them for me. Even spoke to DS and calmed him down a bit. I've never been so grateful.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 23/09/2020 13:45

I think people who comment have probably been there themselves and felt horribly judged by people looking at them or turning abruptly away.

I do comment, and I remember how grateful I was to the woman in the shop who was kind to me after a snooty assistant was tutting at my tantruming toddler.

squashyhat · 23/09/2020 13:48

I would not dream of commenting. What on earth has it got to do with me?

ladybee28 · 23/09/2020 13:50

@notfromstepford

I think you may be being a little over sensitive as those comments seem to be from people trying to sympathise.

This does sound really lovely – AND it's a little different to what OP's describing, since you were already in an interaction with the checkout lady.

People rubbernecking and passing comment because they're projecting what they would want to hear in that situation is another kind of setup, and OP I totally get it.

I'm not a mother but I take care of friends' kids and if we land in tantrumville at any point a friendly (and QUICK): "Can I give you a hand?" would be more than sufficient. That way I get to feel supported AND say no if it's a no.

People's intentions are so often good – their assumptions less so.

Emeraldshamrock · 23/09/2020 13:51

It is meant in sympathy but yanbu. I sympathise with you reading your post my DS was/is the same you just want to calm them down, when he got older around 2.5 he'd lose it with the person being kind, then I'd be apologising while trying to calm his bigger meltdown I eventually stuck him in an xxl push chair with a big hood and trained him to hide when he was overwhelmed.
If I see a parent struggle I'd smile in a comforting way but that's it.
Thankfully at nearly 6 he is a little bit more social.

tara66 · 23/09/2020 13:51

No body likes to hear a baby cry - you should know that! They have heard and seen her - so they may comment on her!

letmetakeyoudancing · 23/09/2020 13:51

I agree that people are probably just trying to be nice, I used to get comments like that all the time. A stranger can also sometimes distract your toddler which can be just what they need. They always play up the worst for their mums/main caregiver because that's who they feel the safest around, you aren't doing anything wrong!

Imloosingmyshit · 23/09/2020 14:00

That’s actually people trying to be supportive of you. The opposite of what a shite mum look her babies crying!!! You’re just being sensitive.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 23/09/2020 14:03

@squashyhat

I would not dream of commenting. What on earth has it got to do with me?

It's a natural reaction for social creatures like humans to communicate with each other.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/09/2020 14:18

When mine were small (and they were awful babies, especially DD1) I never minded the women commenting because I took it as solidarity.

What I DID mind was the men who would take it upon themselves to tut, or to pass some comment along the lines of 'you want to make him/her stop that noise'. Never any smiles or comments of solidarity from blokes, oddly, only ever remarks about the volume of the crying or the length of time it went on!

Maybe I was unlucky though.

PolloDePrimavera · 23/09/2020 14:24

Honestly, I think people are trying to show empathy and those phrases are platitudes, so they just trot them out. They aren't judgy. Your baby crying doesn't affect other people as much as it does you, it's an instinct. Yes they hear, but it doesn't reach them at the same level.
And this will pass. Wait till the teenage years 😉

newtb · 23/09/2020 15:40

Op, don't worry too much. It's not that a stranger could console your baby better than you. Like with toddler tantrums, sometimes distraction works wonders. Not infallible, though.

Each baby is different, and differs from day to day. They can be really awkward little buggers sometimes. If they're fed, neither too hot nor too cold, not obviously in pain, and in their cot with something like a toy to focus on - dd had a towelling starfish with a face and a mini activity centre with a small mirror on the bars of her cot - they won't come to any harm if you quietly shut the door and escape for 30 mins to a lavender-scented bath with a book and/or some chocolate.

Stating the obvious if you're stressed your baby will copy. Same for being relaxed. It's 'just' a vicious circle and the crux of it is to find a way of breaking in to it

I can remember going to the offices of the local paper to place dd's birth announcement. She started to cry, that cry typical noise made by a newborn. A lady there, well in her 60s,immediately folded her arms as tight as she could. Seemed a bit hurtful. Only later I laughed, it had been solidarity - even 40-50 years later she obviously had very painful memories of the let-down reflex.

Take care, you'll get there. Remember you, and only you, are the expert on your baby. No one else knows them so well. By that I'm not ruling out Dr's expertise if needed.

Original poster

EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff · 27/04/2021 14:53

@LoveNote It turns out my DD has autism and ADHD so it appears ‘meltdown’ was the correct term after all.

Does everyone still agree that it’s ok to stare and comment about a hysterical child with SN? I find this hard to believe considering someone wouldn’t do that to a child with obvious physical disabilities...

OP posts:

BagLadyy · 27/04/2021 15:03

I give a friendly smile if I can to any parent with an upset child. No matter their age or if they appear to have SN

Your daughter can only be 2 years old. So there's no way a passer by can recognise a 2yo meltdown vs an autistic one.

I have a child with SN. And even friends who don't have experienced their children crying in public.

I figure better a smile/friendly comment to show you're not alone than to just ignore or stare.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 15:05

People are sympathising and letting you know it's ok to have a crying baby.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 15:05

Oops sorry old post

MaMaD1990 · 27/04/2021 15:12

I remember my DD having a massive scream in the middle of the shops when she was a couple of months old. A really sweet old Irish lady popped up behind me and said "oh bless her, those tears. Don't you worry about the noise, people don't care a jot, most of us have been there". It made me feel a bit teary but really thankful she'd said something. I never cared after that and just smiled if anyone said anything.

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