People commenting on crying baby

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

First time poster, I’ve been lurking since my daughter was born 18 months ago.
First year of motherhood was very challenging for me, DD was very difficult (she wouldn’t feed, nap, sleep at night, inconsolable pretty much most of the time!) and I suffered awful PND, which I finally got help for and thankfully these last 6 months have been amazing. Don’t get me wrong, DD can still be a nightmare and she still doesn’t sleep well, but I’m really enjoying it now. I only mention this as it might be relevant to my post... I’m not sure if it’s left me a bit over sensitive!
But anyway, whenever I’m out with DD and she has a meltdown, I find so many people feel the need to stare or comment. Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating! I find it bad enough that she’s having a meltdown without random people unhelpfully highlighting to me that they can also see/hear the performance. Sometimes I’m close to tears myself and comments really don’t help. I’m getting better at semi-smiling (grimacing) and just walking quickly away, but it still really annoys me! Can people not just try and pretend they haven’t heard and carry on walking!? AIBU?

Also I’m obviously doing something wrong if a stranger is able to console my baby better than me

It's not that though- babies will often be distracted by any noise or event and stop crying for a moment or two.
It could be a dog barking, an ambulance siren, an announcement over a tannoy system, or a random stranger speaking to them.

It is not a sign that you are doing anything wrong.

My DD would always have a meltdown when out. I felt better when people would make comments as I wouldn't feel as bad and I felt like I could laugh it off (as the sweat would be running off me trying to get out of the shop to get her to stop)

Generally this is meant kindly and to be supportive op. I would consider your pnd and if you’re through that yet, if you’re also close to tears and struggling when she cries and struggle with these kind of comments. It may well just be tiredness, or it may be your reactions are an indication of something else still going on.

And op, this stage will pass tantrums are so stressful for the parent. Especially in public. She won't do it forever though.

Thank you everyone I appreciate all the comments. I will definitely try harder not to let it annoy me. I’m a shy person and I’ve always preferred to be invisible out in public most of the time (I realise with a baby this isn’t possible anymore 😂) and i think it’s just the attention making me very self conscious.

Thank you, good luck with the new baby!

I absolutely hated when people commented too, OP, so I never do it to random strangers now. I just put on a sort of distracted face and drift away like I'm definitely too preoccupied with my own life to notice I'm surprised people are so vehement here that they MUST comment, and see it as a solidarity thing. I was also so grateful and felt the most solidarity from people who carefully ignored it and moved on. Maybe the commenters have had mostly easy babies

if she's been a difficult one as a baby OP there's a good chance she will grow into a very reasonable small child (often goes that way) and then people will comment about how good she is!

YANBU

I can't stand it

I was walking to the car 18 month DD didn't want to walk, didn't want to be carried and also didn't want to go in pram ( she was tired shortly dropped off for nap in car )

I had a few comments " oh I remember those days well- everything takes longer" just glaring at me .

And

" just put her in the car show her who's boss - your the parent " ( when DD is upset and distraught at going into the car seat)

Iv also had someone come up and insist on giving DD a chocolate biscuit ( during covid ) like touching it with her own fingers as she was upset in car seat.

Makes me anxious going out cuz it's constant comments !

I was in Debenhams cafe and I had a Ella pouch ( DD was 6 months old) I generally gave her homemade but was out n about for longer and hadn't got anything with me. Lady comes up sticking her face to DD cooing ok fine then starts saying what's this ( to the pouch) we didn't have those in my day we cooked it all from scratch. Oh fuck off .

I did this on a train once with a baby who had cried the whole way from Edinburgh to London. People were giving the Mum filthy looks, tutting, letting out loud sighs and being really passive aggressive and the poor Mum was getting more upset and embarrassed the longer it went on and struggling to cope with the baby and a toddler. I smiled sympathetically and said something like, “oh dear, bless you he’s not given you much rest, you must be exhausted.” and then when someone tutted loudly as soon as I’d said that I said “I think some people forget we were all babies once and could be more patient! Is there anything I can do to help?”. Back then I was an SEN teacher and was happy to read to the toddler or play a quiet game or bring the Mum a drink or snack back from the cafe.

The venom I got in return and the very clear “Yes, FUCK OFF!” from her, put me off ever trying to be helpful to a stranger or even give as much as a sympathetic smile to a new Mum ever again.

They are simply trying to be nice but obviously that offends some people who would rather just be ignored.

if she's been a difficult one as a baby OP there's a good chance she will grow into a very reasonable small child (often goes that way) and then people will comment about how good she is!

Oh yeah actually. My son had the most horrendous tantrums as a 2yo, it would be mortifying in public. He's just turned 4 now and he's mainly very well behaved, articulate and polite. (Mainly, he is still 4 )

I comment, I would assume that most of these people commenting have been in the position themselves and know how overwhelming a crying baby can be. I see it more as a standing with you and giving to a moment of distraction rather than anything patronising!
Sounds like you have it pretty hard if your DD isn’t sleeping great! Is there anyone you would feel comfortable leaving her with one night so you can get some rest? I bit of ‘me’ time can do wonders

I hated it too but I find myself doing it! I'm meaning it in a "I know the feeling" type way.

YABU. People are commenting in solidarity, and you are taking their comments personally because you feel self conscious.

@LoveNote

You’re complaining people are ignorant

Yet here you are being ignorant yourself. Meltdown isn’t a word to be bandied about on mumsnet unless it’s to do with SN

How is this helpful in any way? I'm just about fed up of people policing who can and can't use certain words. It's my mouth, and it'll say whatever words it likes. I will try not to offend but in many cases (including this one) people are way too oversensitive about words being used.

I think a screaming, unconsolable child can be described as having a meltdown perfectly fine, and there's no need for you to come on here and make OP feel guilty about something ELSE when she's clearly got enough on her plate.

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OP, it's one of those things. People most likely mean to be kind when they make comments, but when you're in the situation obviously you might well prefer they didn't! All I can say is all parents have been where you are now, so any who are parents will probably be looking on with sympathy (and probably some element of 'thank god it's not mine this time!') and no judgement whatsoever.

You're doing well, and the difficult times will pass :).

I don't like this either, it doesn't make me feel any better and just confirms that people are watching.

I’m glad to read I’m not the only one who feels like this, I was starting to feel like a horrible ungrateful person. Sorry to hear other people are having a tough time though.
I’m pretty sure I do still get bouts of PND which I’m sure doesn’t help. Just when I think I’m doing really well the smallest thing can set me back. But generally I’ve made huge progress and I’m sure it’ll be up and down forever, I’ve just got to stay positive! Obviously everyone deals with comments differently and I will make an effort to see them as supportive 😊

I think people are just trying to be nice, but I completely understand that you would rather people didn't comment.

I don't look if I see a baby screaming in a pram. I know that I would hate it if people did that to me. Occasionally I give a smile, as if to tell them I understand how annoying it is when a baby kicks off outdoors 😂.

YABU. People are commenting in solidarity, and you are taking their comments personally because you feel self conscious.

Yes but you see it does feel personal when you're the one struggling in that situation. for example, the comment about 'he's not giving you much rest' seems kind but when you're the struggling sleep deprived parent, what you actually hear is something like 'Your baby is completely out of control and you can't handle it and look completely worn down - you're not great at this parenting lark.'

I KNOW it doesn't make sense when you're not in the situation, but when you are, it just feels awful.

I've had 3 screamy babies , they are all past the public freakout stage now (mostly) and I don't really care any more, but I still remember just how crappy it felt as a first-time mother, and so the best thing is to say nothing.

when you're the struggling sleep deprived parent, what you actually hear is something like 'Your baby is completely out of control and you can't handle it and look completely worn down - you're not great at this parenting lark.'

floorplanner Right, but your disordered thinking isn’t anyone else’s problem, and they’re trying to be nice.

Ha ha! OK then. So you don't really care whether you're helpful or not, as long as you get to comment!

It's meant sympathetically. By people who've been there.

If they blanked her distress and yours you'd be complaining about being ignored and rejected!

If they blanked her distress and yours you'd be complaining about being ignored and rejected

Yeah like the thread recently by the mother who was distraught that a total stranger said “I’d rather not, thanks” when she asked her to wrestle an autistic 5 year old into a trolley seat mid meltdown. She couldn’t believe the cruelty of it and how anyone could refuse to “help” aka manhandle a stranger’s violent child into a space too small for them in the middle of a pandemic.

Yet here you have the flip side of someone very upset because people are being sympathetic and kind. Re the comment from another poster up thread about it confirming people are “watching”...what do you expect people to do? Gouge their own eyes out every time a crying baby is out in public?

Op, they mean well and are the people least likely to be judging you. Try and reframe the thought. We all know babies are impossible at times and it is no reflection on the parent.

'Also I’m obviously doing something wrong if a stranger is able to console my baby better than me 😂'

This made me laugh. When a toddler my dc when mid massive tantrum would often stop for a complete stranger. Dcs do that. Someone they don't know is interesting and a distraction. It was funny.

People comment to try and be kind. I've done it. Usually it raises a smile, but if someone reacted badly in response I'd probably scuttle away mortified.

I absolutely hate things like this.
Someone once told me, while my toddler was having a meltdown, that I was doing a great job. I really appreciated that. It helped me get through it.
But I despise the phrases you’ve mentioned. It’s so patronising

Sometimes I will speak to the child like 'aww what's all the fuss?' And often someone else addressing them distracts them from the tantrum. It really is meant as helping because my dd used to have massive tantrums in shops etc and it was really hard. I definitely am not judging the mother.