People commenting on crying baby

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

First time poster, I’ve been lurking since my daughter was born 18 months ago.
First year of motherhood was very challenging for me, DD was very difficult (she wouldn’t feed, nap, sleep at night, inconsolable pretty much most of the time!) and I suffered awful PND, which I finally got help for and thankfully these last 6 months have been amazing. Don’t get me wrong, DD can still be a nightmare and she still doesn’t sleep well, but I’m really enjoying it now. I only mention this as it might be relevant to my post... I’m not sure if it’s left me a bit over sensitive!
But anyway, whenever I’m out with DD and she has a meltdown, I find so many people feel the need to stare or comment. Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating! I find it bad enough that she’s having a meltdown without random people unhelpfully highlighting to me that they can also see/hear the performance. Sometimes I’m close to tears myself and comments really don’t help. I’m getting better at semi-smiling (grimacing) and just walking quickly away, but it still really annoys me! Can people not just try and pretend they haven’t heard and carry on walking!? AIBU?

Sorry to hear your update op, hope you and dd are coping ok.

People can acknowledge distressed children as long as it's in a positive way - I could hear a small child crying 'don wan s'berries' in the supermarket today and I had a laugh with his Mum saying that you'd think she was trying to buy him liver and onions

I remember being horrified when my eldest was a baby when women asked if 'baby was hungry' when he was crying. It made me think they thought I was a shit mum.

When he was a toddler he used to shout out 'I'm hungry' in the supermarket and on one occasion, ' Don't hurt me Mummy' over and over. It is all designed to make or break you for the teen years I concluded!!

It is difficult because some people can be judgemental. If I see a toddler having a tantrum and the mum is trying to placate I might smile and say 'don't worry we have all been there' in the way that I hope I'm offering support rather than judging. As we have all been there and children cry sometimes when they can't get their own way.

Look at it that you are teaching your child and not giving in for an easy life. Personally I would rather see a toddler having a tantrum than a much older child misbehaving as they have never heard the word no!

Thank you everyone.

@PandaLady The last couple of months have been very tough, I feel broken most days but we’re getting lots of support now. I don’t think I’ll survive the teen years if this is only the start 😆

They're trying to be friendly and supportive. You know that's the intention, so you're best off accepting it as a gesture of kindness.

Maybe it will help if you remind yourself that some people do this to everyone in that situation. It's nothing personal. More of an involuntary reflex than anything else.

Emily.
You do know your stuff.
Some people can't help themselves from commenting, however I certainly get that it drives you mad. I always seemed to get stuck with friends children and then childminded for many years and the amount of well meaning people who used to tell me what I should do or what was wrong with the child used to drive me insane. Most people would not be able to recognise a 2 year old tantrum from a 2 year old with autism. (I can because of years working in this environment and i have two autistic grandchildren.) I don't want to be harsh but do feel that you are being a little over sensitive and now especially you will have to develop a thicker skin. It is not easy, but hopefully now there is more awareness with health visitors and medical professionals (ask about portage workers and look into benefits that you may be entitled to. Take anything they offer you in order to make life easier for you and your child ) hopefully you will get some support for both of you.
You can do this. 💐. Feel free to PM me any time if you like. As far as autism and special needs go I am your woman.

I had this and agree it's annoying even if well meant.

I tend to say "somebody's giving Mummy a hard time" although maybe that is just as bad. Apologies to anyone I've inadvertantly upset. I do try and follow up with an empathetic conversation if mum is up for it as it never seems so bad when you aren't standing on your own with a screaming child and I know that some days I would go for hours without having an adult to speak to.

I do this at work all the time. If I encounter a crying toddler on the shop floor I tend to say ‘Ooh I could join in with you the day I’m having’ in my best CBeebies presenter voice and it does make them stop in their tracks a lot of the time. It’s the unexpectedness of it I think, breaks the tantrum escalation. Makes the parent smile too.

I’m also terrible for telling parents how lovely their little ones are, I’m sure some people think I’m a patronising twat but honestly the little natter with the 3 year old showing off her sparkly Frozen wellies is genuinely the nicest part of my work day.

I find little kids tantruming adorable, especially when they’re not my own .

Any comment I make is in solidarity with the mom. My eldest had colossal tantrums when she was 2, I’m still reeling 10 years later!

Thank you @notthemum I think you’re 100 per cent right. With everything we’re going through right now it’s such a big deal leaving the house with DD because of how she behaves. To be honest it’s a huge relief we now know she’s autistic, because it explains so much from the last couple of years! Instead of feeling like a terrible parent I know she can’t help it. But I still worry that this is what it looks like to other people, which is where the embarrassment comes from when people in public comment.
I really appreciate your words 💗

sounds tough, Emily, but you'll get there. It is awful though when they are screeching the place down. Mostly people are thinking "glad it's not me" and if it's me and my DH we'll often give a surrepticious fistbump that we got through those years.

Better the comments you get than "can't you shut it up" which i got a few times.

PP mentioned the baby screaming from Edinburgh to London? I'd have been more than a bit cross having to put up with that if the mum was doing nothing.

I had a few comments " oh I remember those days well- everything takes longer" just glaring at me .

they're not glaring, though, if they're saying something sympathetic like that. I have Resting Extremely Grumpy Face even when I'm feeling happy.

Hey Op, I’m with you- it might be something that mums of older kids have forgotten over time but as a new mum it feels SO judgemental to have people comment like that. One time when a man said the “He doesn’t look very happy does he!” Whilst gleefully smiling at me, my response was “Really, you think?!”

They've probably been there themselves and are trying to show sympathy. I certainly welcomed it when I had screaming kids! I think you are overthinking this.

Oh dear, I’ve made sympathetic glances and smiled (ruefully) at mother’s with obviously tired or tantrumming babies. It’s sympathy, not condescension.

Glad you are getting support for your LO OP.

Funnily enough for the first time ever I felt like you did the other day. DD is 9 months and was tired but we are having issues with naps at the minute where she needs it but can't quite seem to drift off. Anyway she was a bit upset and on my way from the checkout in a shop to 20 feet out the door I had three comments including 'oh that poor baby' and it made me feel shit

@queenoftheFarts this is exactly my view too.

Thank you everyone.

7 months on from starting this post I can completely agree that I was over thinking this. I’ve been in a really bad place but finally getting the support I need for my DD with her autism and additional needs.

My reaction to peoples well meaning comments was definitely more of a reflection on how I was feeling and what we were going through. But things will get better, I’m sure of it. Got to stay positive 💗

There's certainly a difference between a passing 'ah we've all be there' comment, and obvious judgement. My 3 year old is impossible to take anywhere, it's literally a two person job as he is delayed both in communicating and mobility (he can walk, but will often randomly drop to the ground or try and run off without comprehension or care). I've had judgemental looks from people as he's just flopped to the floor and refusing to get up. I've overheard people say 'poor boy, he's too big for a pram' as I push his screaming, non-complient self from the car to the school pick-up, as otherwise a 3 minute walk takes 20. I know the difference between sympathy and judgement, for those who do the latter it takes every damn bit of energy I have left not to say 'you bloody walk him then, I give it 30 seconds before you hand him back!'.

I'm learning not to take notice of anyone, it's hard though.

I feel you OP. Tantrums were by far the worst part of having small DC. My DS was once having a huge meltdown in the fridge section of asda. I was freezing, in a rush and frazzled. A lady came up to me and simply said "you're doing really well, you've got this". I ugly-cried, in the fridge section.

It sounds like you're taking it personally, you don't need to. People, many people, have been where you are. They're just trying to help.

You've got this 🤜🏽

My daughter was HORRENDOUS as a toddler, she used to kick and scream and pull her hair out. I actually got collared by security twice because they thought I was kidnapping her. (She has anxiety problems it turns out) anyway! I say things to people as a solidarity, I was judged by people staring or tutting, commenting in a nasty way etc. I guess I try to make the other person feel they're not alone in it? The things you've mentioned sound more caring than nasty to me.

@EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff I don't think you've been 'overthinking' you've just been struggling which is entirely understandable.

Sorry to put the fear of God in you about the teen years...If it helps, the child who shouted repeatedly 'Don't hurt me Mummy' is now 13 and such a lovely teen.

All three of mine have ASD (youngest has ADHD too) but my middle child sounds like your dd and it was really another level of parenting required just to get through the day alive and semi-sane. He was diagnosed at 2.5yrs and the grief was unimaginable. People also said the worst things too which I didn't get with my other two. My technique for coping was to lift my chin and wear my best smug face and thank people kindly for their advice.

Middle child is 11 now and has really calmed down. In fact, I have three really well-behaved children and find myself looking at NT kids and thinking 'crikey what a handful'

@slashlover

Just things like “oh dear, someone’s not very happy” or “oh dear look at those tears” etc in that sympathetic (patronising) tone, but I find it so frustrating!

I say things like that, it's meant in sympathy. Not commenting doesn't mean we don't hear it. A few times a new face talking to them has been enough to stop the meltdown and sometimes I even get a smile.

One hundred percent - this is to let you know that they feel for you, that they’re acknowledging you

It’s not to judge at all

I wish you could feel better about this, your doing the best you can and she WILL grow out of it

Keep on keeping on (((hug)))

@Zaphodsotherhead

When mine were small (and they were awful babies, especially DD1) I never minded the women commenting because I took it as solidarity.

What I DID mind was the men who would take it upon themselves to tut, or to pass some comment along the lines of 'you want to make him/her stop that noise'. Never any smiles or comments of solidarity from blokes, oddly, only ever remarks about the volume of the crying or the length of time it went on!

Maybe I was unlucky though.

Because all men are evil, aren't they! My dear late OH had a way with little ones, he would wiggle his eyebrows, lift his glasses up and down, almost never failed. We were on a bus and a toddler was very unhappy but when he started wiggling his eyebrows the crying stopped and as we all alighted from the bus the mother asked if she could adopt him!

Hi Emily and anyone else with a SN little one or just mums fed up with people starimg and commenting.
Just seen t shirts that say My mummy doesn't need your advice. Might get one for littlest GS.

@NotExactlyHappyToHelp

I do this at work all the time. If I encounter a crying toddler on the shop floor I tend to say ‘Ooh I could join in with you the day I’m having’ in my best CBeebies presenter voice and it does make them stop in their tracks a lot of the time. It’s the unexpectedness of it I think, breaks the tantrum escalation. Makes the parent smile too.

I’m also terrible for telling parents how lovely their little ones are, I’m sure some people think I’m a patronising twat but honestly the little natter with the 3 year old showing off her sparkly Frozen wellies is genuinely the nicest part of my work day.

You sound so lovely @NotExactlyHappyToHelp! I love people like this, you smooth the day for everyone.

Any time anyone made those same comments to me it was in sympathy (and empathy!) and mainly always by older women who have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I make the same comments to women who look so done to death too, because sometimes it helps to know that not everyone around you is judging, that your baby isn’t being a nuisance and we know damn fine how they feel. And take it from a mum with a DC that has ASD, public meltdowns are nothing to be ashamed of, anyone judging is an utter twat who needs to go jump.