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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the ashes

116 replies

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:26

My dog is 15 yr old. I have had her since she was 6mnths old. She is a healthy enough and happy old girl - if not a bit stinky just lately - but I'm kind of just waiting for the inevitable to happen now...

I was having a chat with my cousin last night about what would happen after the dog dies and I just said that I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and we could then bury her in the garden?
I said that if I had to take her to be put down and cremated I don't think I would want to pay to keep her ashes.

I got the impression that this wasn't the answer my cousin expected at all and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had no interest in having a pot of ashes sitting around. AIBU?! I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

OP posts:
Babysharksmom · 22/09/2020 16:28

That makes me so sad for your dog.

Closingtime94 · 22/09/2020 16:30

Each to their own, I'm a huge animal lover and have never kept any of their ashes (it's ridiculous what they charge for them anyway), I have memorials for them in my garden.

MsWonderful · 22/09/2020 16:30

You could scatter or bury the ashes instead of keeping them

Original poster
pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:31

@Babysharksmom

That makes me so sad for your dog.
Why? what a bizarre statement. My dog is loved and well cared for and always has been.
OP posts:
Angeldust747 · 22/09/2020 16:32

YANBU to not want to keep the ashes, but waiting for the inevitable 🤔

Babysharksmom · 22/09/2020 16:33

"I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away"

That part made me sad. I get so upset thinking of my girl dying and she's fit and healthy. She's been my best friend through it all

Seeingadistance · 22/09/2020 16:34

Why would you keep the ashes sitting about?

Easier to bury ashes than a dog.

rorosemary · 22/09/2020 16:35

Our animal crematorium scatters the ashes on their field without you as a service if you opt for it. We also don't want to keep the ashes, although we do cremate the animals. In my country it is forbidden to bury larger pets like cats and dogs in your own garden (although nobody checks this of course) so it's either a very very expensive burial plot or cremating. They get scattered at the same time as other pets so it doesn't feel "alone" if that helps?

Chloemol · 22/09/2020 16:38

All we have done is bury or scatter the Ashes, no issues. Why wouldn’t you want to do that for someone who has been your faithful companion?

JumpingFrogs · 22/09/2020 16:43

In my family we've never even had the ashes for deceased human family members, let alone pets. It does not mean I did not love my family members dearly, but to me the ashes were of no significance. I miss my deceased father/grandparents every day, but ashes would not have been of any comfort. I feel the same about deceased pets. We all grieve in different ways.

Angelina82 · 22/09/2020 16:45

Your dog has been a part of your family for 15 years and you don’t get emotional when you think about her passing away? I find that very sad.

ExpectTheWorst · 22/09/2020 16:47

I scattered my ddog's ashes in the sea at a spot where she used to love going swimming.
You can of course do what you like but I can't imagine wanting to bury the actual body but not caring about the ashes? That seems a bit weird to me tbh.

Scweltish · 22/09/2020 16:48

It’s not bad to prefer burying her rather than cremating her. It’s pretty shit to have no emotions towards an animal that’s been part of your life for so long

RedHelenB · 22/09/2020 16:48

One cat was put to sleep at the vets and I didnt take her home . Her daughter died at home and is buried in the garden. I know its daft but i sort of wish i had done the same with Mummy cat.

DeliciouslyFemale · 22/09/2020 16:50

quietly covers five boxes of ashes and wanders off 😳

Original poster
pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:51

@ExpectTheWorst

I scattered my ddog's ashes in the sea at a spot where she used to love going swimming. You can of course do what you like but I can't imagine wanting to bury the actual body but not caring about the ashes? That seems a bit weird to me tbh.
It's more of a practical thing than anything else. If she died at home I wouldn't see the point of paying whatever it costs (I assume hundreds?) to get her cremated rather than burying her in her favourite spot?
OP posts:
Original poster
pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:52

@JumpingFrogs

In my family we've never even had the ashes for deceased human family members, let alone pets. It does not mean I did not love my family members dearly, but to me the ashes were of no significance. I miss my deceased father/grandparents every day, but ashes would not have been of any comfort. I feel the same about deceased pets. We all grieve in different ways.
Yes I feel the same, I don't feel the ashes would hold any kind of significance to me.
OP posts:
Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 16:55

Had my 12yo girl PTS recently and no ashes. Am totally gutted but I'm not an ashes person.

My mum died yesterday and I feel the same about her ashes. I don't want or need the ashes as I have my memories and my pictures and my many years of happiness with both cat and mum.

Mellonsprite · 22/09/2020 16:59

I think it’s a very personal thing whether animal or human. We did get our pets ashes and buried them but it wouldn’t have bothered me not to, I didn’t feel any special attachment to the ashes. I do feel the same about human remains and think it’s rather macabre to hold onto them. I appreciate some people to think differently though.

Sandra2010 · 22/09/2020 16:59

We all grieve differently, and no-one should be shamed for how they cope with or feel about the loss of a loved one. Many of us are very philosophical about death, while for many people it's a significant trauma or fear. I think OP and I have similar thoughts here, her dog has, presumably, had a happy and comfortable long life, but is now old and will inevitably die. She never said she won't miss the dog, or grieve for her, but that she understands and accepts that she will die. When she dies, it is the memories of her life that are important. Her remains are just that, and have very little significance any more.

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/09/2020 17:02

I don't think you're unreasonable but I do find it strange that you're detached from your dog and don't feel emotion at the thought of her death. I'm all for being practical and accepting that losing pets is a certainty, but the thought of not caring about that loss..? I don't get that at all. It just seems a bit cold, that's all. I've left pets at the vet for them to dispose of, I know some people will find that heartless but I just can't deal with dead things at all, irrespective of how much I loved them in life.

Incidentally, is she a bit stinky for a reason such as her bum isn't clean any more, or is it just the way she smells? I associate animals developing an unpleasant odour about them with organ failure, hopefully it isn't that.

Mrsjayy · 22/09/2020 17:02

Ive never had returned ashes I've sadly had our dog pts recently and we didn't want a private cremation,it doesn't mean we didn't love our dog or past pets any less.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 22/09/2020 17:04

That makes me so sad for your dog.

I don't think the dog would notice.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/09/2020 17:06

My dog is getting in and I’ve spoken to the children about him not being around for much longer. Yes it’s sad but I don’t get emotional about it. He will be missed.

Mrsjayy · 22/09/2020 17:07

Your dog may not die at home so you might need to prepare yourself for having her euthanised and leaving her at the vets

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