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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the ashes

116 replies

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:26

My dog is 15 yr old. I have had her since she was 6mnths old. She is a healthy enough and happy old girl - if not a bit stinky just lately - but I'm kind of just waiting for the inevitable to happen now...

I was having a chat with my cousin last night about what would happen after the dog dies and I just said that I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and we could then bury her in the garden?
I said that if I had to take her to be put down and cremated I don't think I would want to pay to keep her ashes.

I got the impression that this wasn't the answer my cousin expected at all and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had no interest in having a pot of ashes sitting around. AIBU?! I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

OP posts:
redlockscelt · 22/09/2020 17:11

I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

You might feel differently when it happens. As it is you are basically saying that you won't care when she dies which is pretty horrible.

Wibblypiggly · 22/09/2020 17:13

You don’t love your dog enough. Poor thing.

IntermittentParps · 22/09/2020 17:24

As it is you are basically saying that you won't care when she dies which is pretty horrible.

You don’t love your dog enough. Poor thing.

Oh get over yourselves, honestly.

OP, everyone feels differently. Some people might like to keep ashes, others to scatter them, others to just have a memorial or keep a photo of the pet. Whatever works for you.

Lolwhat · 22/09/2020 17:30

When my dog was put to sleep last October she was mass cremated and obviously we didn’t keep the ashes, I wanted to remember her by the memories not as this jar of dust on a shelf, I kept her collar and it sits on a shelf and I kept her crate and most of her toys because I now have a new puppy, our cat is 20 so we are also waiting for the worst now, I know what you mean, I don’t think it’s weird. I loved her with all my heart she was my best friend, I love the cat too but ultimately all pets pass away at some point and it is heartbreaking but also life goes on

JenniferSantoro · 22/09/2020 17:31

@Angelina82

Your dog has been a part of your family for 15 years and you don’t get emotional when you think about her passing away? I find that very sad.
I agree. It’s actually heartbreaking. OP your dog has been loving and faithful to you for 15 years and you can’t even be bothered to pay for its ashes. Shame on you. What a disgusting attitude. Your dog deserves so much better.
Wolfiefan · 22/09/2020 17:34

YABU to drag things out in the hope your dog will die at home and save you money. That’s how your post reads.
You don’t need to have the ashes. We didn’t for our cats. But I will for my dog. And no. I can’t explain why. Maybe because the first cat was an RTA and had gone by the time I got to the vets. Sad

Champagneforeveryone · 22/09/2020 17:38

@Babysharksmom

That makes me so sad for your dog.
Say what?!

We are a multi-pet household and have been for years. I have never got the ashes back, partly because I'm not entirely sure what I would do with them (a work colleague has an utterly grim necklace made of her dead dogs ashes) and partly because I just cannot bring myself to spend that much money on a pot of ash.

I wouldn't want DH's either so it's not just pets Wink

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/09/2020 17:39

Ive kept the ashes of 2 dogs and a cat.

redlockscelt · 22/09/2020 17:43

@IntermittentParps

As it is you are basically saying that you won't care when she dies which is pretty horrible.

You don’t love your dog enough. Poor thing.

Oh get over yourselves, honestly.

OP, everyone feels differently. Some people might like to keep ashes, others to scatter them, others to just have a memorial or keep a photo of the pet. Whatever works for you.

It's nothing to do with wanting the ashes or not but stating outright that you will not feel emotional when your dog dies is horrible.
EloiseTheFirst · 22/09/2020 17:48

I've never had any ashes back because the ashes aren't the pet.

However it's worrying me that you're expecting your DDog to die at home. This is very unlikely to happen.

My DH who is a vet says the majority of pets who've died at home have suffered unnecessarily at the end. Please bear this in mind if/when the time comes.

IntermittentParps · 22/09/2020 17:57

stating outright that you will not feel emotional when your dog dies is horrible.
The OP says 'I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.' Which is different.

Mittens030869 · 22/09/2020 18:07

It honestly doesn't cost a lot at all to obtain the ashes, and it gives the opportunity for closure following the death of a beloved pet. I had to have my beloved cat PTS at age 13, which was devastating. Her health had deteriorated over the previous couple of years, made worse by the stress caused to her when our DD1 came to live with us, which caused her to over-groom her coat. I did consider rehoming her, but the vet told me that she would never cope with that, at her age and her state of health. But she couldn't cope with living in our house either, so there was no other choice.

But I was able to be with her at the end, which meant a lot to me. And we spread her ashes in the corner of our garden together.

Coffeeisnecessary · 22/09/2020 18:08

My cat is currently very ill, she is old, barely moves and is stinky. Vet says she is fine but she is not the cat she was even a month ago. I feel like I've come to terms with her dying, it's part of having a pet isn't it? It's terribly sad, but it's expected, perhaps that is what the op means. I don't see how keeping ashes or not makes any difference.

Wolfff · 22/09/2020 18:11

It’s a personal thing. I know of several people who keep their dog or cat ashes. I found getting my cat’s ashes back and commissioning a hand painted urn helped with the mourning process. I also had a cremains ring made as did one of my DDs (I thought the idea was horrid when I first heard of it, but somehow it seemed a natural thing to do at the time).

We have scattered ashes from other pets (budgie/rabbit/guinea pig) or had a communal cremation depending on the charge and our finances. We were able to bury a couple but don’t really have access to a garden now.

The most important thing is how you love and treat the animal during life, not keeping remains after death. No one should be judged on that.

Soonbechrimbo · 22/09/2020 18:12

Bloody hell theres some wackadoos on here 😂😂😂

OP.. Absolutely nothing wrong with what youre thinking for when the time comes. All completely normal. Your dog sounds a like a lovely and much loved pet. Hope she enjoys the rest of her time with you.

sapnupuas · 22/09/2020 18:14

Our cat was put to sleep last night. We declined the ashes. I'm not sure what we'd do with them.

Original poster
pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 18:15

At no point have I said that I won't care or be sad when my dog dies. I said I have accepted it and when I think about it happening I don't feel emotional - my dog has had a good, happy life with a loving family and we will all miss her. Even with that in mind I simply do not feel sentimental about having her ashes. Her spirit and everything that made her who she is will have left and only her body will be left.

I have children to think about and I need to be practical that yes, it's coming and it will probably be soon and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Best to just have a plan for the inevitable that's all. I am not, as someone said, dragging anything out. Why on earth would I put a happy healthy (albeit old) dog to sleep?! She has no trouble eating or drinking and we take daily walks and curl up to watch telly of an evening.
I don't think I am naive, I said that I would like for her pass at home in her sleep - doesn't everyone have that preference for anyone they love? Obviously if at any point we find that she is in any kind of discomfort she would be straight to the vets and the costs would not come into it - I would never let her suffer. To me that is what's important, not paying hundreds of pounds for her dust to be kept in a box on a shelf.

OP posts:
Cherrybalm · 22/09/2020 18:17

yanbu to prefer the idea of a burial rather than cremation but I can understand why some people find it peculiar to not feel sad at the idea of your pet passing away.

Original poster
pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 18:17

@sapnupuas

Our cat was put to sleep last night. We declined the ashes. I'm not sure what we'd do with them.
sorry about your cat x
OP posts:
Soonbechrimbo · 22/09/2020 18:17

@pepsicolagirl

At no point have I said that I won't care or be sad when my dog dies. I said I have accepted it and when I think about it happening I don't feel emotional - my dog has had a good, happy life with a loving family and we will all miss her. Even with that in mind I simply do not feel sentimental about having her ashes. Her spirit and everything that made her who she is will have left and only her body will be left.

I have children to think about and I need to be practical that yes, it's coming and it will probably be soon and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Best to just have a plan for the inevitable that's all. I am not, as someone said, dragging anything out. Why on earth would I put a happy healthy (albeit old) dog to sleep?! She has no trouble eating or drinking and we take daily walks and curl up to watch telly of an evening.
I don't think I am naive, I said that I would like for her pass at home in her sleep - doesn't everyone have that preference for anyone they love? Obviously if at any point we find that she is in any kind of discomfort she would be straight to the vets and the costs would not come into it - I would never let her suffer. To me that is what's important, not paying hundreds of pounds for her dust to be kept in a box on a shelf.

You sound like a lovely caring owner OP, don't worry about justifying anything.
timeforanew · 22/09/2020 18:18

We had 3 dogs, all 3 died at a (very) old age. They were all much loved family pets, but we accepted their mortality long before they died (they were 14, 16 and 17 when they told), so while we were sad, we were certainly not devastated . They had good lifes, didn’t suffer and died peacefully - what else can you wish for? If a young animal dies, or an accident happens it’s different, but a peaceful death after a good long life for me isn’t something I would get overly sad over.

RevolutionRadio · 22/09/2020 18:22

Our hamster died and we didn't have a garden. The vets cremated him with the dogs and cats, they sent us a sympathy card 🙂 I don't think they usually do smaller animals as they had to find a price for it.

MustShowDH · 22/09/2020 18:24

We all handle grief differently.
Nothing wrong with being prepared emotionally for when they go. Wish I could be like that - I still sob for a dog I lost years ago sometimes.

The dog crematorium normally give the option of scattering the ashes for you, or you can choose to scatter them at a favourite walking spot.

CammieKennaway · 22/09/2020 18:32

Today is the first anniversary of us losing our beautiful, beloved 10 year old dog - we didn't have her cremated by the vet but a private company (who were much cheaper and did it all within 12 hours - they collected our Ella's body, took her away overnight and early the next morning, the lovely man returned her to me in a beautiful wooden, personalised box in a velvet pouch with a small bag of her chest fur from over her heart that he clipped off for us and a gesture of a tie of little ribbons - he did all of this as a sweet gesture as we were in pieces when he came to collect her as even though we knew she was nearing the end, her death was actually very sudden).

We have her ashes in a cabinet alongside some of her favourite things in a back room but the days where I feel broken up about her, it helps that I can hug the box and essentially still hug "her" - with today being the first anniversary, I've actually found it more of a help as I was able to have her next to me and tell her I love her.

It's personal choice but I'd urge you to not outright write off the idea of her ashes - if she passes at home, then don't ask the vet to cremate her but look at private companies too - they often do it in a more personal way (and ours was cheaper than the vet) and you can have her rested in a memorial garden if you don't want her ashes at home.

katy1213 · 22/09/2020 18:36

Why on earth would you want its ashes! I wouldn't want relatives' ashes, let alone the dog's!