Page 4 | To not want the ashes

CSIblonde · 22/09/2020 23:41

You seem totally emotionally detached from a pet that's been with you 15years which seems unusual tbh. Being frank, I wondered if you see her as a nuisance now. If she's stinky she needs a quick going over with the shower head .The cost re ashes of a beloved pet wouldn't even be an issue to most people for a pet they see as a family member . I'd want the ashes. Id not want to bury my cat, as I'd feel she was alone if I ever moved which I know is daft but she means that much to me .And I will be there if she is pts as they look around for you at the end. I couldn't leave her alone,whatever my own distress.

Anordinarymum · 22/09/2020 23:45

@pepsicolagirl

My dog is 15 yr old. I have had her since she was 6mnths old. She is a healthy enough and happy old girl - if not a bit stinky just lately - but I'm kind of just waiting for the inevitable to happen now...

I was having a chat with my cousin last night about what would happen after the dog dies and I just said that I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and we could then bury her in the garden?
I said that if I had to take her to be put down and cremated I don't think I would want to pay to keep her ashes.

I got the impression that this wasn't the answer my cousin expected at all and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had no interest in having a pot of ashes sitting around. AIBU?! I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

If you bury your dog (and I have done this and it is traumatic) You have to dig a hole 6ft deep or foxes will dig her up.

It does not cost that much to cremate and you don't have to have the ashes back. There is no right or wrong here x

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 22/09/2020 23:52

I loved my cat lots, but didn't wish to have the ashes - aside from being charged extra, the Vet couldn't actually guarantee they'd have been her ashes.
I put a lovely plant in the garden of a friends house where we'd stayed a few weeks before her death, and buy cut flowers of the same plant on the anniversary, but having the ashes seemed a bit pointless.

Floralnomad · 22/09/2020 23:58

I can see why you don’t want the ashes but I can’t understand why you wouldn't feel emotional about her dying , just because she’s an elderly dog . To me that’s like saying if granny is 92 she’s had a good innings so we won’t be upset if she dies and that’s not how most normal people feel .

Alwaysinpain · 23/09/2020 00:33

@Crunchymum

Had my 12yo girl PTS recently and no ashes. Am totally gutted but I'm not an ashes person.

My mum died yesterday and I feel the same about her ashes. I don't want or need the ashes as I have my memories and my pictures and my many years of happiness with both cat and mum.

Sorry for your loss. That's sad about her ashes though. Surely she deserves to be scattered somewhere she liked, even if it doesn't suit you?

Auto · 23/09/2020 00:44

IMO once a pet has died it is no longer there. The body is a reminder but that is all. The pet as a character/spirit/life has already gone and what happens to its remains will make not one jot of difference to it. I would have no interest in the ashes, I'd rather remember the pet as it was. Taking this view does not for one second make someone less of an animal lover, or make them less sad when a pet passes away.

caringcarer · 23/09/2020 01:08

When your dog passes if you would prefer to buy in your garden then do it. You have to bury deep though. My cat died 3 months ago and we burried her in garden in her favourite spot by fence. Still miss her though and feel a bit tearful at times.

eaglejulesk · 23/09/2020 01:20

If she died at the vets wouldn't you have the option of taking her body home for burial? Genuine question - I'm not in the UK but you can do that here, cremation is just another option.

While I accept the inevitable, and have been through it many many times and remain calm when it happens, I still find your comment that you don't feel emotional about her passing away quite sad.

Strokethefurrywall · 23/09/2020 01:27

You don’t love your dog enough. Poor thing.

There are some fucking thick as pig shit folk on here, there really are.

eaglejulesk · 23/09/2020 01:29

@Crunchymum - so sorry to hear about your Mum, and also your cat

WildOrchids67 · 23/09/2020 01:42

I had this conversation with my ex H last week, we share a dog who is coming up for nine so realistically only has a few years left. Neither of us has anywhere to bury her so when the time comes we'll get her cremated and scatter the ashes somewhere nice, unless we find a pet cemetery of some kind and then we might consider that (unlikely but you never know).

Furries · 23/09/2020 01:48

@pepsicolagirl - tbh, I can see both sides from here, Some people will be outraged, others not so.

The only thing that concerns me is your phrase “waiting for the inevitable”. Pets are great at hiding their pain, so ai would hope that you aren’t just holding out for her to die at home (in hidden pain) rather than release her to end her suffering.

I had to say goodbye to my boy very unexpectedly earlier this year. No way could I have had his ashes in an urn or casket - would have given me no comfort at all, looking at what (I view) is a symbol of death. I had an ink paw print taken before cremation and then his ashes were sealed at the back of a photo frame which has space for 3 large photos. Still not in the right space to sort the photos out yet, but deep down I know I’ll be glad I did it that way.

Facing losing a pet is so hard, I hope you all enjoy some cherished time together.

Furries · 23/09/2020 01:54

@WildOrchids67 - are you in the UK? I think each county has a number of pet cremation services, and then some of them in each area has a garden of remembrance. And some of them have a cemetery. I lost my boy unexpectedly early this year. Although it sounds horrible, I’m looking into what is available near me, so that I can decide now re my other two - as don’t ever want to make an unexpected snap decision again.

Nat6999 · 23/09/2020 02:05

Exh dog had to be put to sleep during lockdown, he got the ashes back in a wooden box that he has his collar fastened round. All of our hamsters & our rabbit are buried in my mum's garden as we live in a flat. My dad passed away last year, my mum refuses to scatter his ashes, they are in an urn behind his chair in the living room & will stay there until the time comes for mum to join him, I will then put them both under a tree in my garden if I hopefully have a garden then.

CuntyMcBollocks · 23/09/2020 04:39

Everyone is different. I love dogs but I'd do the same as you and give them a decent burial. I wouldn't want my dog sitting in a pot on the shelf collecting dust.

Terrace58 · 23/09/2020 04:43

We have never asked for the ashes for our pets. We are dedicated caregivers, making a lifetime commitment to animals obtained via rescue organizations. Our pets are pampered and loved Members of the family.

Having the ashes won’t help me grieve.

Nikori · 23/09/2020 04:55

My beloved cat was very sick. He just disappeared one day and we never saw him again. It's really hard not being able to say goodbye and knowing that he has probably died alone, but I guess that's what cats do sometimes. I don't know what I would have done with his ashes. It's hard to think about.

Monty27 · 23/09/2020 04:56

@Crunchymum

Had my 12yo girl PTS recently and no ashes. Am totally gutted but I'm not an ashes person.

My mum died yesterday and I feel the same about her ashes. I don't want or need the ashes as I have my memories and my pictures and my many years of happiness with both cat and mum.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Nothing replaces a person or a pet ever. Not ashes not a service nothing. It's not even a decision you could make until you've accepted your loss. Some people never do. Do what you feel is right when the time is right. 😔♥️

user127819 · 23/09/2020 05:38

I don't think the dog will care what happens to her bodily remains, which is all that matters really. You don't owe it to anyone to grieve a certain "socially acceptable" way. I respect those who keep their pet's ashes, but it isn't something I would ever want to do myself. My pets are more than just bodily matter. I think the idea that your love for your pet is dependent on whether you will hold onto their powdered bone fragments after their death to be bizarre at best.

About not feeling emotional, again, as long as your dog is cared for, she doesn't care how you feel about her death, and you don't owe it to anyone to feel a certain "socially acceptable" way about it. I think it is actually quite a good and healthy thing if you are able to have peace with the idea of her being gone after a good life. That doesn't mean you aren't or won't be sad, but it means you have accepted it and will be able to cope when it happens.

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 23/09/2020 07:00

@CSIblonde

You seem totally emotionally detached from a pet that's been with you 15years which seems unusual tbh. Being frank, I wondered if you see her as a nuisance now. If she's stinky she needs a quick going over with the shower head .The cost re ashes of a beloved pet wouldn't even be an issue to most people for a pet they see as a family member . I'd want the ashes. Id not want to bury my cat, as I'd feel she was alone if I ever moved which I know is daft but she means that much to me .And I will be there if she is pts as they look around for you at the end. I couldn't leave her alone,whatever my own distress.

It's nice for you that cost wouldn't be an issue but a lot of people do not have the luxury of feeling that way. For me cost is very much an issue and the suggestion that I am emotionally detached is nuts,. I have loved and cared for her for 15 yrs and will continue to do so until her last breath. What happens to her body after that has little to do with how she was treated in life!

OP posts:

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 23/09/2020 07:08

@user127819

I don't think the dog will care what happens to her bodily remains, which is all that matters really. You don't owe it to anyone to grieve a certain "socially acceptable" way. I respect those who keep their pet's ashes, but it isn't something I would ever want to do myself. My pets are more than just bodily matter. I think the idea that your love for your pet is dependent on whether you will hold onto their powdered bone fragments after their death to be bizarre at best.

About not feeling emotional, again, as long as your dog is cared for, she doesn't care how you feel about her death, and you don't owe it to anyone to feel a certain "socially acceptable" way about it. I think it is actually quite a good and healthy thing if you are able to have peace with the idea of her being gone after a good life. That doesn't mean you aren't or won't be sad, but it means you have accepted it and will be able to cope when it happens.

Thank you. Every dog of her breed that I have known has died at age 10. That means that I have had 5 years now of waking up expecting the worst and the first thing I do has been to check she is still with us and then breathe a sigh of relief that she is. That's 5 years of preparing myself for the day that outcome changes. 5 years of "extra time" with her and being glad that her legs haven't given out or that she can still have use of her eyes or that she isn't suffering in any of the zillion ways an aged anything might suffer. 5 years is quite a long time to come to terms with her leaving us. I am lucky in that sense. Thank you for understanding that not everyone follows this "normal" way of grieving

OP posts:

AlwaysLatte · 23/09/2020 07:24

I've still got my Mum's dog in the wardrobe because she wanted to wait until a particular rose flowered before she scattered the ashes and it bloody went and had one flower while I was on holiday.
I'm not really an ashes person either - it's a bit of a further blow to receive a little box as a reminder of the death and cremation. And it is just a pile of ash. That said, I will be scattering ours on the garden when the time comes.

Mittens030869 · 23/09/2020 07:55

I remember my family having to bury two cats when I was a teenager when they were run over by a car within two months of each other. That was very traumatic and I wouldn't want to do that again. Hence when the cat I spoke about earlier in the thread had to be PTS, I didn't hesitate when I was asked about cremation and willingly spent the extra money.

badacorn · 23/09/2020 08:01

I think it’s ok not to be sentimental about the ashes. We buried our pets, I think if we had kept them as ashes they’d end up in a cupboard somewhere.

I suspect op will feel some emotion when the dog actually dies!

countrygirl99 · 23/09/2020 08:02

OP I get you. We lost ddog unexpectedly last week but at the same time we knew a different issue meant he wouldn't make old age. All the time we had with him was special and we miss him dearly but we had long accepted that his time was limited. We did choose to have his ashes back (it was cheaper than you think) and will scatter them in a favourite place but that's for us not ddog. My horses have been my life and I have never had their ashes back for purely practical reasons.