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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want the ashes

116 replies

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:26

My dog is 15 yr old. I have had her since she was 6mnths old. She is a healthy enough and happy old girl - if not a bit stinky just lately - but I'm kind of just waiting for the inevitable to happen now...

I was having a chat with my cousin last night about what would happen after the dog dies and I just said that I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and we could then bury her in the garden?
I said that if I had to take her to be put down and cremated I don't think I would want to pay to keep her ashes.

I got the impression that this wasn't the answer my cousin expected at all and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had no interest in having a pot of ashes sitting around. AIBU?! I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

OP posts:

sapnupuas · 22/09/2020 18:47

@pepsicolagirl thank you. She was 21 years old and my husband got her just before he moved out of his parents house for the first time. He's devastated.

Unsolicited cat pic for attention.

HyacynthBucket · 22/09/2020 19:08

CRUNCHYMUM
Your post says that your mother died yesterday, yet no one seems to have acknowledged it. That must be awful. Many many condolences to you. Losing your mother is like no other loss. I hope you are OK, and will be from now on.

Sarahp2308 · 22/09/2020 19:12

Our 15 year old lab was absolutely adored by the whole family and when he passed we were all heart broken...we did not have his ashes, we all felt that having them would just cause more upset and at the time we were already devastated it would of just been a constant reminder, I have had people say we should of had tham but I don’t need his ashes to remind me of how much of a fantastic dog he was.

MsWonderful · 22/09/2020 19:38

@Crunchymum I’ve just seen hyacinthbucket’s post about your mum. Sorry to hear that. I feel the same about my dad. I’ve never understood keeping ashes or visiting graves. You will always have your memories of your lovely mum

SilenceOfThePrams · 22/09/2020 20:00

I’ve always left the ashes at the vet. They aren’t my pet, I don’t need them to remember my pet by. No criticism of anyone who decides otherwise. We all live differently.

wedidntstartthefires · 22/09/2020 20:01

@Wibblypiggly

You don’t love your dog enough. Poor thing.

That's a shit thing to say.

MsEllany · 22/09/2020 20:12

@Babysharksmom

That makes me so sad for your dog.

Because when it’s dead OP doesn’t want an urn?!

Crazy, crazy dog people. Honestly.

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 20:16

@Crunchymum

Had my 12yo girl PTS recently and no ashes. Am totally gutted but I'm not an ashes person.

My mum died yesterday and I feel the same about her ashes. I don't want or need the ashes as I have my memories and my pictures and my many years of happiness with both cat and mum.

So sorry about your Mum x

OP posts:

Babysharksmom · 22/09/2020 20:16

@MsEllany maybe if you read my other comment you would realise what original comment meant. If you're bored there are good programmes on BBC tonight. Goodnight now

LouisBalfour · 22/09/2020 20:18

We were heartbroken when our dog died and couldn't bury her in our garden because of the regulations regarding watercourses.

I don't even know what happened to her disposal wise - I think she was cremated with other pets. Ashes would not have comforted us but I don't think people who want their pet's ashes are silly.

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 20:18

Thanks for the condolences (for mum and cat!) I think I worded it badly but I was just saying that human or animal, I'm fine with not keeping ashes. I'd rather keep the memories...

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/09/2020 20:20

Crazy yes, do I care no.

wedidntstartthefires · 22/09/2020 20:20

I love my cat beyond words, but observing her slow and steady decline in health as she hits 20 years old has changed how I view her inevitable death.

Her death, when it comes will be heart-breaking, as I will likely have to make the decision to PTS but also a relief as I worry constantly that she might be in pain, is not able to enjoy life as she used to etc etc.

Everyone and all living things die. If they have had a long and good life, it is much easier to accept.

I will not have ashes/an urn.

MsEllany · 22/09/2020 20:22

Soz I didn’t see it.

But many people make their peace when a relative (for example) is old and sick. Your dog is fit and healthy so not the same?

Not sure what your comment about me being bored is supposed to mean. That’s why I’m on Mumsnet!

Isthisnothing · 22/09/2020 20:22

@Crunchymum I'm so sorry about your mum. Mind yourself.

DaisyDreaming · 22/09/2020 20:23

We loved our dog so dearly, truly a member of the family and we were heart broken when she had to be put to sleep. We didn’t pay for ashes as they didn’t mean much to us, she was gone and ashes or no ashes doesn’t change how much we loved her. Our family also aren’t into grave stones/grave yards, I know they bring comfort to a lot of people but to us our loved one isn’t there.

Florencex · 22/09/2020 20:30

I am another that cannot get my head around someone who doesn’t feel emotional about their dog dying and after 16 years can’t spare a small to have their remain properly disposed of in a dignified manner (even if you don’t want to actually keep or do anything with the ashes).

I feel sorry for the poor dog that had to spend its life with such a heartless owner. 😓

Harryfrog12 · 22/09/2020 20:31

I was told by someone they dont cremate individually unless you pay extra maybe. So you might not even get all of your pet you will get several pets worth of ashes. I wouldnt like that. Would be a nice sentiment to scatter in the garden but hearing that put me off so i wouldnt pay for them either.

redlockscelt · 22/09/2020 20:34

thanks for the clarification OP, I see now that I misunderstand your OP. Sorry about that.

Reenskar · 22/09/2020 20:36

We scattered our dog’s ashes round a tree on his favourite walk. The kids still refer to it as his tree. Don’t remember it costing a great deal. I’d much rather that than have him buried in the garden for someone to dig up one day....

pincertoe · 22/09/2020 20:38

You pay extra to get the ashes back.... or the vets scatter them in a garden of remembrance. Nobody could have loved our last cat more, i had her from weeks old until she was 17.5 years. I didn't want her ashes and didn't see the point in getting them back.

lydia7986 · 22/09/2020 20:38

About a decade ago, I paid for a private cremation for a much loved guinea pig!

In fairness, it was my children’s first encounter with death/loss/grief, so I think having the ashes to scatter in the garden (her ‘favourite place’) was a valuable experience, and began to prepare them for when it was grandparents rather than guinea pigs...

LaurieFairyCake · 22/09/2020 20:56

I paid for two cats to be cremated and kept the ashes

I then had my dog put to sleep and didn't have this done as I would just then have yet another box of ashes (my absolute love of my dog was not reflected in not having him cremated)

moredogsthansense · 22/09/2020 20:59

Having had this conversation with I don’t know how many hundreds of people as a vet, I can firmly say that almost everyone has strong views one way or the other on whether they want the ashes back, and that it has little or no correlation with how much they love their animal or how much effort they put into the relationship when the pet was alive. It’s personal thing. If it’s really important, that’s fine, if it doesn’t matter, that’s fine. The dog doesn’t mind either way.

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 21:37

@Crunchymum

Thanks for the condolences (for mum and cat!) I think I worded it badly but I was just saying that human or animal, I'm fine with not keeping ashes. I'd rather keep the memories...

I understand completely

OP posts:

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