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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want the ashes

116 replies

pepsicolagirl · 22/09/2020 16:26

My dog is 15 yr old. I have had her since she was 6mnths old. She is a healthy enough and happy old girl - if not a bit stinky just lately - but I'm kind of just waiting for the inevitable to happen now...

I was having a chat with my cousin last night about what would happen after the dog dies and I just said that I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and we could then bury her in the garden?
I said that if I had to take her to be put down and cremated I don't think I would want to pay to keep her ashes.

I got the impression that this wasn't the answer my cousin expected at all and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had no interest in having a pot of ashes sitting around. AIBU?! I accepted my dogs mortality some years ago and tbh I never expected to hold out for as long as she has done so I don't feel emotional when I think about her passing away.

OP posts:

OldSpeclkledHen · 23/09/2020 08:06

YANBU I agree it's an extortionate amount of money for what?!

Your dogs memory will always be with you, I'd bring her home and bury her in the garden (if you can) or plant a memorial plant.

Give her a scratch from me, dear old pup

eaglejulesk · 23/09/2020 09:04

All this talk about ashes sitting on the shelf - you can actually bury them. It's a much easier option than burying the body for those with limited garden space - and it's not horrendously expensive (or it wasn't the last time I had a pet cremated).

Scoobydoobywho · 23/09/2020 09:17

Each to their own I guess. We have the ashes of two dogs in plant pots in our garden, so if we move they can come too.

queenMab99 · 23/09/2020 09:23

I am usually very emotional, but when my beloved 16 year old dog had to be euthanised, I felt nothing but relief that his suffering was over. He had had a good long life, was loved and fed and exercised, but now his body was worn out. I didn't want his body or ashes to bury, that wasn't him, his memory is in my heart. I may have been affected by the death of my son aged 26, some months earlier, whose death was far too early, but again His ashes were not something I wanted to keep and we scattered them somewhere he had loved. If you love a person or a pet and it helps to have their ashes or some memorial, that is fine, but personally I do not need any material object or place to remind me, I keep them in my heart.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 23/09/2020 09:28

I have the ashes of several cats & my beloved setter (and unfortunately added another recently) but the memories I have of each of them aren’t contained in a scatter tube or fancy pot.

They live on in my heart & head. If you don’t want any ashes back, that’s ok. If you do, that’s ok too. I’m not sure why people feel the need to police everyone’s actions when it comes to bereavement in threads like this. There is no one correct way of doing it.

tabulahrasa · 23/09/2020 09:41

I’ve never had pets ashes returned - it’s not them, I don’t see the point. Other people feel differently, but for me it’s just not important.

Re being prepared - with my last dog, I thought I was, I knew from him being very young he’d never make it to old age, I knew for a few months his health was getting worse and it was likely to be soon - I was planning to get another dog fairly soon after he died, that’s how prepared I thought I was.

When it actually happened and he was gone, I was devastated. It’s been 2 years, I still don’t have that next dog - that’s how bad it actually hit me.

Browneyesbigbum · 23/09/2020 09:46

I had the ashes of my 13 year old dog and intend to scatter them in places she loved to walk.

I couldn't bury her in the garden or just dump her at the vets - it feels wrong somehow after so many years of being part of the family

Toddlerteaplease · 23/09/2020 10:03

I intended to scatter my cats ashes when I bought my own house. Or scatter them in my friends beautiful garden. But when it came to it. I couldn't do it and it feels right to have her sitting in the cupboard.

Runnerduck34 · 23/09/2020 15:25

I have buried all my pets in garden - cats, rabbits etc. However depending on breed of dog burying them in the garden may be difficult, you need a big hole! And not to put too finer point on it, try and curl them up while they are still warm so the hole required is as small as possible. Cremation may be easier!
Your dog is loved and has a a wonderful life thats whats really important not what you choose to do when they die and of course you dont have to do anything you dont want to. Hope your lovely dog has many years left

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 23/09/2020 21:05

@Runnerduck34

I have buried all my pets in garden - cats, rabbits etc. However depending on breed of dog burying them in the garden may be difficult, you need a big hole! And not to put too finer point on it, try and curl them up while they are still warm so the hole required is as small as possible. Cremation may be easier! Your dog is loved and has a a wonderful life thats whats really important not what you choose to do when they die and of course you dont have to do anything you dont want to. Hope your lovely dog has many years left

Thank you

OP posts:

sleepylittlebunnies · 23/09/2020 21:20

My mum took our first dog to the vet and he unexpectedly needed to be pts, she couldn’t face going back so I don’t know what happened to his body. The 2 after that they knew were going to be pts so my dad dug holes in their favourite spots of the garden and they were brought home and buried. All were a good age and loved.

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 01/10/2020 13:35

I just wanted to come back and update this. It's very outing I suppose but at the moment I really don't care.

I had to say goodbye to my lovely old pup this week. As it turned out she stopped eating her regular food. In her last few days I sat with her and handfed her cooked plain chicken breast chunks because that's all that would tempt her.

I took her to the vet who said that she was in the early stages of heart failure. He gave me a few options but when I asked him what he would do if she was his dog he said he would go for the kindest option and let her go. I agreed but I think I needed to hear him say it?

I cuddled my lovely pup til the end and for a little while afterwards. The last thing she would have heard was me telling her what a good girl she was.

When I posted this I think I was possibly very naïve about how imminent all of this was considering her age and about how hard the loss would hit me. Definitely in denial about that.

I am feeling it now. Thank you to all of you who replied, as it turns out I felt differently in the end and decided to get a scatter tube so that we can say goodbye as a family in her favourite spot down by the river.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 01/10/2020 13:56

We'll be scattering ours at one of her favourite walks. It feels weird not to do anything with them and just have them thrown in the bin but I also wouldn't keep them on the mantelpiece.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/10/2020 13:58

I'm so sorry for the loss of your old pup. May the memory of her bring you comfort in the coming days 🙏🏼❤️

Nottherealslimshady · 01/10/2020 13:58

I'm so sorry your lovely girl has passed. You did the right thing letting her pass peacefully with your love and cuddles x

Original poster

pepsicolagirl · 01/10/2020 15:55

@Strokethefurrywall

I'm so sorry for the loss of your old pup. May the memory of her bring you comfort in the coming days 🙏🏼❤️

Thank you x

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