How to help broken hearted daughter.

[Stressed746]

My dd is 21. She lives with me and so did her boyfriend of 4 years until 2 weeks ago. They were extremely happy till a month ago and something happened for her to lose trust in him.. Arguments on and off for a month followed with him then ending it very abruptly 2 weeks ago. He basically wants to erase her.
She is beyond devestasted.. Has lost a stone. Cries several times a day even now. Wakes up at night crying and calling me.
She can't understand it.. Keeps going over it. 6 weeks ago he was telling her he couldn't wait to get married she was his whole world and he couldn't live without her.
It's killing me to watch her go this.. My support is the only thing keeping her going. I don't k iw what to do.

You cant do anything. This is life. She will get over it. 🤷‍♀️

I had an engagement break down at a similar age. My mum and dad got me through. It was the small stuff, my dad is a relationship counsellor so obviously he was a great listener. We would go for walks and chat, watch films together, do the shopping. Often mundane stuff, but enough to keep me going so I didn't just sit around doing nothing. I'm lucky that they are awesome and so are you.

You can't really do anything I'm afraid. She does need to get on with things though. Calling for you in the night doesn't sound good. Is she depressed? Anxious about anything else?

I remember being here myself.

It will get easier. Just keep doing what you're doing and she will start to feel better day by day.

There is nothing you can do, breaking up is normal but she sounds as she needs to seek further professional help about how she is handling a normal thing so she could go to a counsellor?

Sounds like a normal response to the breakup of a very long term relationship. I guess just be there for her, and keep her as busy as you can during the day. He can't be that great a chap if he's ditched her so abruptly after so long a relationship!

She does suffer from anxiety. This has made it so much worse. She just can't believe it. They were together all the time.. Kissing cuddling.. Cute names.. Had a whole plan for their lives.
His parents hate dd though. I think his mum would hate anyone who was in her sons life.. She wants him to herself. The dad is divorced and has had multiple affairs and tells his son he should be free and single and not tied down.
Dd was set back yesterday because we knew bf and his dad were coming around to collect some garden furniture that was his. At their request we were not home and they just went round the back.
We got home and just happened to go into the garden to check.. We normally wouldn't we could have just looked out of the window.
There tucked against the kitchen door was a cardboard box full of dds things that must have been in bfs mums house. Expensive trainers on top of pj's and then 2 sanitary towels!? And 7 empty old bottles of shampoo and conditioner! I mean completely empty and dried up.. Years old.
Dd broke down seeing this. Just left outside with no text even telling her it was there! It could have been days till I opened the kitchen door.
She has now cried all night about how she feels like she is trash to them.. After 4 years her stuff left outside to rot.
She firmly believes the mum went round the house putting stuff inbox to remove all trace and then the dad insisted on leaving it outside. She said bf would never leave her empty bottles of shampoo that he wouldn't know what was her shampoo.. But the mum would.

Then she is best off away from them so she can move on

In the long term, she sounds well shot of this chap and his family. he sounds fickle as anything

Oh yuck, I had a partner who did the similar ‘erasing’ thing with all my stuff, stuffed into shopping bags, half empty boxes of tampons spilling everywhere. Made it so much more traumatic for some reason.

The best thing you can do is listen, keep her company and gently encourage her to do things that will help her mental health, like exercise, good food, not spending too much time on her phone etc.

I think all you can do is gently help her learn coping skills.

Good food, sleep, exercise, small achievable goals, talking about her feelings but not wallowing in self pity. Find a focus that's not related to him - is she at work or college?

This will not be the only set back or break up she has to deal with in her life. If she can learn good coping skills and resilience now she'll be in a much better position to face the future & build a happy life.

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!

It is perfectly reasonably that they would return a box of her things at the same time as picking up his. Especially when that includes expensive trainers!

It is perfectly reasonable that they would expect you to find a box outside your kitchen door - this talking of leavings to “rot” is over dramatic nonsense and you are not helping your daughter stoking it up like that.

Yes, it’s odd to include 7 empty bottles of shampoo - but if it was mum who included those, perhaps it was an understandable if petty reaction to the fact that this woman who does not even live with her has just left SEVEN empty bottles lying around her house? Maybe, she just didn’t think about whether they were full or not - if your daughter didn’t think they needed to be in the bin, why sound she? How is she supposed to know your daughter won’t complain that she didn’t get her whatever conditioner back, that had a tiny bit left in? If your daughter didn’t chuck them, then I think she’s in the frame for getting them back!

It’s horrible for your daughter, first break ups are HARD. So the best thing you can do it listen, cuddle, and NOT add drama over the perfectly reasonable return of this box.

1 of mine went through similar it is awful for them, she will get over it and move on you need to be a bit robust though and help her not to wallow.

Poor girl 🌸 time will heal. 4 year is a long time and from a young age. But time is the best healer. Just be there for her but don't be too over bearing. Give her space if she needs it or not if she wants you close by!!

One day she'll look back it'll be a distant memory and she'll be happier!

She was with him from aged 17 and I can understand why the bf's father would think his son should spread his wings and not settle down too early. (I don't mean be unfaithful though when I say that). I would be encouraging a young dd to do the same.

She'll be upset but it won't last forever. All you can do is be there to listen and talk to her and suggest going to the GP if her anxiety worsens or you are worried about her mental health in a couple of weeks.

She said bf would never leave her empty bottles of shampoo that he wouldn't know what was her shampoo.. But the mum would.
Well I think giving back empty shampoo bottles is weird. I would have just binned them. However, as you say the mum would know what was your dd's, that begs the question of why your dd left the empty bottles at her bf's parents' home. Frankly, that is weird too. Maybe his mum was annoyed at her home being treated like a rubbish bin?

The first time I had my heart broken, my DM was the one who got me through it.

The first night, I stayed in her bed with her and watched some crap old DVD on repeat all night. She made sure I ate and spent time with me. We went out to distract me and it worked. I couldn't understand why he had broken up with me as, like your daughter, things had been absolutely fine. I wanted to be able to go to his house and ask him what had happened. My DM was the voice of reason, making sure I didn't do or say anything I would regret. Ultimately, I wrote him a letter and I was able to feel a bit more at peace with the whole thing. Of course, he never responded, but it wasn't about that.

By supporting her and spending time with her, you are helping. My DM said that she was not expecting to feel so heartbroken herself. So I think the PPs saying you are overdramatising or that you should just let her get on with it are totally wrong.

Keep loving her. Spend time doing ridiculous things. Who cares if she calls out in the night to you for comfort. Her world of four years has fallen apart. You sound exactly like the DM she needs.

I can remember being in this position on a couple of occasions and got through it with support of friends but predominantly mum. Just little things to keep her busy, box sets with nice snacks, nice meals (although probably little appetite atm) , walks. Keep reassuring her it will fade with time.

I think they did the right thing by bringing your dd's stuff over. She would just have had to go there and get it and risk seeing him and causing more heartache. Much better for a clean break now. Bit weird re empty bottles but then maybe she rhought there were little bits left.

Aw your poor daughter. I’ve been there and it was so painful! Sounds like you’re being a wonderful support though.

I would encourage her to establish some healthy routines - e.g. get out the house for a walk once a day; make sure to eat 3 nutritious meals a day, arrange to meet up with friends at least once a week. This should keep her on an even keel, even if she’s crying the whole way through her walks and meals!

Then also encourage her to do nice things for herself to show self care and to lift her mood; even if only a tiny bit. I had long, luxurious baths, lost myself in books I’d loved as a young girl, binge-watched tv shows, made tasty and beautiful cakes with my mum and then enjoyed eating them with a comforting cup of tea.

Time will eventually heal the wounds and she’ll see she’s much better off without this fickle boy and his nasty parents. She just needs to get through this difficult period and the above should help with that.

Oh another thing I did was set myself a time-consuming goal, which allowed me to focus on something else, fill my time and have something else to talk about!

@ReasonablyUnreasonableit was me that said OP was adding drama. I did say that first break ups are hard. That isn’t the add-on drama I was describing. It’s encouraging talk like a box of belongings being left to “rot” when they were simply left outside a kitchen door, the same day the family had picked up his things from the garden. Cuddles are great - but over dramatising the return of a pair of expensive trainers Is not.
Yeah, the 7 shampoo bottles is silly - but there shouldn’t have been 7 (7!) bottles left around the other mum’s house anyway.

His parents hate dd though. I think his mum would hate anyone who was in her sons life.. She wants him to herself. The dad is divorced and has had multiple affairs and tells his son he should be free and single and not tied down.

She is WELL out of that.

@GoldfishParade. Don’t go over board with the bloody compassion. Plenty of things are “just life.”It doesn’t mean people don’t need support when/if they happen to them.

Although she’s right about one thing.
Aside from what you’re already doing being there for her and listening there is nothing else you can do.

Ah it’s really tough to break up after such a long time together and when they are so young. Feelings are so raw when it’s your first love, poor girl!
Don’t make the mistake of trashing him or his family as they could be back together as quickly as they broke up. Just agree with her that it’s shit and be there if she wants a chat.

I agree with dialling down the drama

It’s life - she has to live it

Also maybe start encouraging healthy relationships - does she work- have mates - it seems very intense to be in a 4 year relationship and discussing marriage at 21!

Lots of sympathy because first break ups are really rough, she will feel very sad for long time.

But it also sounds like this was perhaps a co-dependent relationship, living together very young, lots of promises etc, and your daughter in a few weeks time could maybe do with investing a bit more time in her self, her friends and her future.

Takeaways, cuddles, baths, books and films in the short term, more friends and adventures in the long term!