How to help broken hearted daughter.

[Stressed746]

My dd is 21. She lives with me and so did her boyfriend of 4 years until 2 weeks ago. They were extremely happy till a month ago and something happened for her to lose trust in him.. Arguments on and off for a month followed with him then ending it very abruptly 2 weeks ago. He basically wants to erase her.
She is beyond devestasted.. Has lost a stone. Cries several times a day even now. Wakes up at night crying and calling me.
She can't understand it.. Keeps going over it. 6 weeks ago he was telling her he couldn't wait to get married she was his whole world and he couldn't live without her.
It's killing me to watch her go this.. My support is the only thing keeping her going. I don't k iw what to do.

I don't think 21 is too young to plan a future with someone. They aren't 16.

They have had no life experience by the sounds of it. They are basically 16.

Also making plans to be a SAHD when you are living with your gf’s mum is hardly a sign of maturity. Did the lad even have a job?

I got together with my DH when we were teens, and we bought our first house together in early 20s, so it's not that I don't know that some young relationships work out.

But what the OP is describing isn't a happy young couple planning a future together, it's a fairly delusional sounding guy describing a fantasy. The timeline appears to have been: They were 'happy' > He does something to stop her trusting him > Then around a month of on/off arguments during which he tells her at various stages that she's his world, can't live without her, talks about baby names, asks to be SAHP... and all while living in her mum's house.

None of what he said in the last month was real, and most people would recognise that straight away. It was a rocky relationship with on/off love bombing going on. He was saying what he thought she wanted to hear.

Give her time and sympathy. Also, do be sure she’s not blaming herself. That’s so easy to do - to need to find some personal ‘fault’ to pin the break-up on.

She’ll be stronger for getting over this. She might not see it this way yet, but she’s had a lucky escape. He’s shown her who he is really. Better now than after they were married and had children. She’s also very lucky to have escaped such a toxic family there.

Looking back now as a mature adult on break-ups when I was younger, I can honestly say that despite the agony at the time I’m pleased I didn’t end up with those people, and the break ups allowed me to move on to better things and nicer people.

I think the relationship sounds extremely co-dependent and this is probably the best thing that could have happened.

I would suggest it is now your job to try and get your DD to understand that life is wonderful with or without a partner and she has so much time in the future to have a partner and children, it doesnt have to be at such a young age. Perhaps you could try and gently take the drama out.

He was sending her pictures of future possible homes. In the middle of the night he would cuddle her and tell her she is his whole world and he loves her so much.
Why say all that?

Because he is 21 and most 21 year olds are not that mature. My ex husband was 41 and said all these things to me too while he was having an affair. It's words, nothing more.

Most of us have been there and it's horrible but it's something we have to go through and it does get better with time and love.

Some time on her own might be good for her if she's been with him since she was 17. She needs to find out who she is, not as part of him. Then at some point she will probably meet someone who blows him out of the water.

I have had the same experience with my daughter when she was in her mid-20's. She arrived home unexpectedly with all her stuff - she was absolutely heartbroken. But young girls are actually quite resiliant - particularly when they are fortunate enough to have a solid family behind them. We helped her re-establish herself, talked loads, paid off a few debts!!! and she got a fantastic new job about six months later. Here she met her future husband and is now a happy mum of a one year old. They were way too young to be so entwined in such a stifling relationship - I'm sure she will be fine in due course. This is all part of growing up - yes, hard, but not insurmountable. Help her move on.

My mum was (and still is) also from the school of 'get up and dust yourself off' and It's made me the strong, independent woman and mum I am today. A little kindness and empathy, of course but also teach her resilience and self respect and she will thank you for it in the future because there will likely be more break ups in her life.

I got dumped earlier this year at 25 after 4 years together and I lost my mum last year, so I didn’t have her help this time round but I remember all the things she did for me when I was 19 and devastated over another boy! We got rid of all his stuff, went on loads of walks, I got a part time job alongside uni, started running and did loads of self-care stuff. Is she into the gym/exercise? Something like that or the C25K would be a really good self-esteem boost. Also, letting her talk about him/get it all out for an allocated half hour during the day but then she has to try and focus on other things once that time slot is over. Buy her a journal and replace the things he bought her. And lots and lots of cuddles and chocolate and quality time together. It’s a nasty, horrible shock that will take time to get over but eventually the sadness will start to take a backseat and one day she’ll realise she hasn’t thought about him for weeks.

I agree with the PP who said this was crazy talk for a couple at only 21. Society has changed so much and while in the past, people got married younger and it often worked, the world has changed so much. At 21, she should be planning to see the world, experience people and life before settling down. Relationships that start that young can often be so unhealthy because they are so young when they start that the couple often can't see things that make it an unhealthy relationship-most people have so much more life experience, and experience dating different types of men etc, that they settle down when they are much more clued in and know themselves first. I would hate to see my daughter settle down at 21 with her first boyfriend.