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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to help broken hearted daughter.

110 replies

Stressed746 · 22/09/2020 10:21

My dd is 21. She lives with me and so did her boyfriend of 4 years until 2 weeks ago. They were extremely happy till a month ago and something happened for her to lose trust in him.. Arguments on and off for a month followed with him then ending it very abruptly 2 weeks ago. He basically wants to erase her.
She is beyond devestasted.. Has lost a stone. Cries several times a day even now. Wakes up at night crying and calling me.
She can't understand it.. Keeps going over it. 6 weeks ago he was telling her he couldn't wait to get married she was his whole world and he couldn't live without her.
It's killing me to watch her go this.. My support is the only thing keeping her going. I don't k iw what to do.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/09/2020 12:14

These are a pair of 21-year-olds. Not unimaginable to think that they might have been sharing a relatively messy room, and that the shampoo bottles might have been in there, under the bed, or whatever. The bf/mum have just gone through the house picking up her stuff and put it in a box, then just delivered the box without wasting any time working out what needed throwing out and what not, as it is not their stuff.

Eckhart · 22/09/2020 12:14

@Shadenfreudepersonified

Drama much? You've even written a little fantasy drama sketch.

Nomoreilove · 22/09/2020 12:15

she’s it still young and had a lucky escape. Sounds awful, but tell her no ones died, there’s no need for her to be crying like that. She’ll meet someone new and forget about this one

ravenmum · 22/09/2020 12:17

tell her no ones died, there’s no need for her to be crying like that
It's been two weeks since the end of her 4-year relationship. Crying is normal.

GADDay · 22/09/2020 12:19

My DS went through a first heartbreak recently. It as truly truly terrible to see how devastated he was.

He cried, had panic attacks, cried some more. I understand how desperately you want to make it better. Sadly, the only thing you can do, is lend an ear/shoulder, provide good food and just let her talk/cry/rant. Definitely dont go down the road of bagging the ex or his family out. That will not end well.

Flowers
Eckhart · 22/09/2020 12:19

there’s no need for her to be crying like that

Totally minimise and invalidate her feelings, you mean?

Cocomarine · 22/09/2020 12:22

@SchadenfreudePersonified

cocomarine

You really think it's normal to keep empty shampoo bottles for months, possibly years, just to stick the knife into someone?

You must be as cracked as the mother!

Perhaps this girl used the last of the shampoo, rushed off to work, and then the next time she went back the empty bottle had been disposed of (or placed in a Place o Safety for Revenge items). All the ghastly mother has to say is - "Could you pop empty bottles into the bin, love. Thanks" if she's pee-d about it.

Where did I say it was normal to horde shampoo bottles? Confused or even that the boyfriend’s mother had hordes them? Stop making things up, @SchadenfreudePersonified

In fact, I said it might have been deliberately petty to return them, if mum was 🙄 about the number.

Fact is, the SEVEN bottles only existed because the daughter of the OP hadn’t cleared them away. Seven!

Here’s what I think happened:

Most likely:

  • someone went round the boyfriend’s room with a box and swept up anything that wasn’t his without giving a second thought to whether the bottles were empty or not. They are not in the bin, therefore - not rubbish

Possible:

  • someone swept up the bottles thinking, “all this fucking trash you messy cow, well you can fucking well have your own trash back”

Really very very unlikely: (though I like your imagination!)

  • the mother hoarded them for long term weird dumping revenge

The point is - HOWEVER it happened, it is not useful for OP to be encouraging her daughter in the thinking that her possessions were left to “rot”. They really weren’t. That level of drama won’t help her daughter.

PalTheGent · 22/09/2020 12:23

I agree with @Cocomarine also.

Support her, cuddle her when she cries, make some of her favourite meals and show her, in your language and the way you act, that this is tough but it is not the end of her world.

It is a crucial lesson that most of us have to learn - that we can and will survive a break up. It's heartbreaking and painful but it is not the end of everything.

Cocomarine · 22/09/2020 12:24

@ravenmum

These are a pair of 21-year-olds. Not unimaginable to think that they might have been sharing a relatively messy room, and that the shampoo bottles might have been in there, under the bed, or whatever. The bf/mum have just gone through the house picking up her stuff and put it in a box, then just delivered the box without wasting any time working out what needed throwing out and what not, as it is not their stuff.
Absolutely this!
SebandAlice · 22/09/2020 12:24

No ones died

But that is the thing. A break up is like a bereavement as the person is out of your life forever. Often never to be seen again. That is why it hurts as they are living their life while you are in mourning.

I think a pp idea of setting time limits is good. Does she have friends she can lean on? Mostly just be there for her to listen with box sets and food. It is good to cry. It is a release. Tell her not to contact him. She will get through this and eventually meet someone even better. One day she will look back and be glad this happened.

SorryImKnew · 22/09/2020 12:25

I became bulimic after my first relationship breakup (21) and then turned from food to alcohol about a year later as a way to control my weight. It really had long term affects on me. Would you consider a trip to GP to see whether they would advise an antidepressant at this point?
Slowly slowly, I ventured out with friends, and wish I had done so earlier. Even if just for an hour.

Toptotoeunicolour · 22/09/2020 12:26

There are some very harsh posts here.

Exercise (sounds simple, but it really helps) and listening/guiding. Gently pointing out the good things in her future, all ready for her to go get them when she's ready.

Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 12:26

Firstly - I would be wondering what the heck had gone on to cause this young man to be so adamant he wants nothing more to do with his serious girlfriend of 4 years.

Has she opened up at all?

malificent7 · 22/09/2020 12:27

It sounds normal to me....poor thing.
She is well shot of the, quite frankly, awful sounding parents though.

Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 12:28

@Toptotoeunicolour

There are some very harsh posts here.

Exercise (sounds simple, but it really helps) and listening/guiding. Gently pointing out the good things in her future, all ready for her to go get them when she's ready.

Where are these “very harsh” posts?
ALLIS0N · 22/09/2020 12:28

@renallychallenged

I think all you can do is gently help her learn coping skills.

Good food, sleep, exercise, small achievable goals, talking about her feelings but not wallowing in self pity. Find a focus that's not related to him - is she at work or college?

This will not be the only set back or break up she has to deal with in her life. If she can learn good coping skills and resilience now she'll be in a much better position to face the future & build a happy life.

This.
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 22/09/2020 12:29

renallychallenged has it right. Listening, but not wallowing. Not reinforcing any notion that this is the end of the world whilst biting your tongue and not pointing out she's well rid - she has to work that out herself.

ravenmum · 22/09/2020 12:29

From the sound of the OP he's met someone else. Sad for the girl, but they were 17 when they met; at that age, it's pretty unusual for it to have lasted this long.

Cocomarine · 22/09/2020 12:30

@ghostyslovesheets

How do you know his mother packed the box - maybe he just grabbed all her stuff - so much projection on this thread

She’s 21 with her life a head of her - let her grieve but don’t fan the flames and he is entitled to end the relationship- it’s allowed!

Not sure who that was directed at, but it was OP who said that her, “firmly believes” it was the mother who boxed up her 7 empty bottles of shampoo.

That’s where I think the drama comes in.
When daughter is crying about that being a sign of treating her like trash, OP has a choice:

  • OMG they left your things to rot!!!!
  • come on honey, I know it hurts - but she’s just grabbed up your bottles, as they’re obviously not her son’s, she’s not going to check what’s left in them. Hey - talking of hair - let’s book an appointment and do the classic “getting over you” fab do, yeah?

Reduce the drama, don’t add to it.

Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 12:31

Does she work? Friends? Hobbies?

My daughter - encourage (propel!) her out and about as much as much. With me, friends etc.
Treat to hair dressing appointment, nails done and a massage

And then surprise with a weekend away. With me (we are close) or if I sense a best friend would be preferable... I would pay for the best friend too

Lydia777 · 22/09/2020 12:32

Your daughter is going through a tough time and you need to be supportive but agree totally with the PPs-dial back the drama! Breaking up is normal-she needs to build resilience and you need to be encouraging her to move on and not fuel the drama. And I don't think you should have been encouraging such a serious relationship so young. I agree with his father-they both need to experience life and live before settling down-a cop-dependent relationship that young and speaking about marriage at 21 is not healthy. If I were you, I would encourage her to stay single for a while, travel, make new friends etc and not go straight back into another relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh as you sound like a lovely, kind mother.

Sparklesocks · 22/09/2020 12:32

Oof. I feel for her, heartbreak is tough - especially when it’s your first love. I know I ‘felt’ things harder at 21 than at 31. Not that break ups aren’t tough when you get older, but I think there’s a certain intensity which diluted somewhat.

His behaviour sounds cruel, but it might be that he’s trying to compartmentalise the break up (making a clean break, returning all her things etc) so it’s easier for him to move on. Not excusing it but young people haven’t always developed the emotional intelligence to break up with care and compassion.

All you can do is be there for her and help her ride it through. She’ll be OK ❤️

1forAll74 · 22/09/2020 12:35

She has invested a lot of time in him at a young age, so it's going to upset her now..She will recover in time though, despite this abrupt ending of things.

Cantthinkofanamex · 22/09/2020 12:36

Its really about riding the emotions out. She's going to be feeling absolutely gutted and you want to magic that away. But I think wise words and listening to her is the best thing you can do.

We've all been hurt or had our hearts broken. It's horrible but I feel like at 21 it's very young. I remember that age. It is crappy. Sounds like they were serious but they have fizzled out. Maybe it's temporary. But it likely is just they had too much too young.

She will be ok. Keep her company but give her space. I struggled to eat and found myself detached from everything for a few weeks in a similar situation. But I got back up.

Doliv63 · 22/09/2020 12:40

My son is just going through a break up and has been heartbroken. The one thing that has helped him now ...7 weeks later is to come off social media! It really has made a difference. As a Mum we really do want to fix our children problems and I really understand what you are going through as well . At least you have her at home and you can bethere for her and just listen 💕💐