How to help broken hearted daughter.

[Stressed746]

My dd is 21. She lives with me and so did her boyfriend of 4 years until 2 weeks ago. They were extremely happy till a month ago and something happened for her to lose trust in him.. Arguments on and off for a month followed with him then ending it very abruptly 2 weeks ago. He basically wants to erase her.
She is beyond devestasted.. Has lost a stone. Cries several times a day even now. Wakes up at night crying and calling me.
She can't understand it.. Keeps going over it. 6 weeks ago he was telling her he couldn't wait to get married she was his whole world and he couldn't live without her.
It's killing me to watch her go this.. My support is the only thing keeping her going. I don't k iw what to do.

Please be kind to her. I remember going through the same when I was a similar-ish age and my mum basically told me to shut up and get over it. I still remember that 15 years later.

Poor DD. I agree with others that your role here is to listen and make sure you are not fanning the flames.

She will get over it. Tell her this will happen to her over and over again OK, maybe not, but a sense of humour is probably what is required here. Does she have mates who can support her? Has she blocked him on everything?

His parents hate dd though. I think his mum would hate anyone who was in her sons life.. She wants him to herself. The dad is divorced and has had multiple affairs and tells his son he should be free and single and not tied down

ALL of you have had a really, REALLY lucky escape.

Imagine inlaws like this?

Your DD will get over it... and one day she'll look back and send up a silent prayer of thanks that Batshit Controlling Mum isn't now Batshit Controlling Grandmother to her children.

I’m sorry your DD’s hurting but I’m kind of with her ex’s dad here. The relationship started when the couple were very young and seems to have been very intense, stifling and not altogether healthy. Does your DD have any friends she can turn to for support?

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!
Yy this. If you didn't have a 21-yr-old DD, I'd have thought you were very young from the way you're dramatising everything. Focus on practical steps to keep your DD busy. Stop feeding and creating drama. And if you're unable to control your own emotions (some people can't) then let other people support your DD through this who can do so without exaggeration and hyperbole.

You sound a bit hysterical to be honest, as said the "the left to rot" comment is not helpful, nor given the materials, an accurate projection of what would have happened to them over time. They were left outside the back door, out of sight from the road, but reasonable to assume unmissable to the residents.

I also think the "erasing" thing is more hysteria. People who aren't young women might be vaguely aware some beauty products are expensive and so err on the side of caution and return everything. How often does somebody end up angry when an apparently worthless item was disposed of by a partner item, who was such a shit for not knowing it was of great value to them?

You are not viewing this situation objectively and that cannot be helping.

Thank god boyfriend's mum is not going to be her mother in law!! Would have been awful?

Poor daughter. It is an awful time for her. No quick fix. Sadly it may take quite a while to get back to her happy self after a devastating break up like this.
My mum and dad took me away on a 10 day holiday when I had a break up at that age. It was a good distraction.. something to discuss a lot before so conversation was not on ex, something to pack for and be occupied by. Then when we were away it was nice to be somewhere else.

@Cocomarine

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!

It is perfectly reasonably that they would return a box of her things at the same time as picking up his. Especially when that includes expensive trainers!

It is perfectly reasonable that they would expect you to find a box outside your kitchen door - this talking of leavings to “rot” is over dramatic nonsense and you are not helping your daughter stoking it up like that.

Yes, it’s odd to include 7 empty bottles of shampoo - but if it was mum who included those, perhaps it was an understandable if petty reaction to the fact that this woman who does not even live with her has just left SEVEN empty bottles lying around her house? Maybe, she just didn’t think about whether they were full or not - if your daughter didn’t think they needed to be in the bin, why sound she? How is she supposed to know your daughter won’t complain that she didn’t get her whatever conditioner back, that had a tiny bit left in? If your daughter didn’t chuck them, then I think she’s in the frame for getting them back!

It’s horrible for your daughter, first break ups are HARD. So the best thing you can do it listen, cuddle, and NOT add drama over the perfectly reasonable return of this box.

I agree with this, I think. Sympathies to you, OP. It's miserable to watch your child so unhappy, but other than being a sympathetic presence, and modelling and teaching skills in resilience and coping with setbacks.

He and his family sound problematic, to put it mildly, and, speaking as someone who has been with my now-husband since my late teens, it's comparatively rare than a teenage relationship survives to become a healthy, longterm adult one. The sheer immaturity of this the parents being involved in packing up your DD's stuff and appearing to have had quite an impact on his attitude to their son's relationshup is a bad fit with the intensity of it all.

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, too. She will get through it.

Oh, and what I meant to say is that you probably had some misgivings about the relationship yourself, from the things you say, so hold to that thought. It's good that this is over, even if your poor DD is temporarily devastated.

Sadly, all you can really do is be there for her and provide emotional support. Be as impartial as you can because she may not be ready to hear other people criticising him yet.

Don't do as my parents did to me. Their response was "stop wallowing, there are other fish in the sea", as if it was as easy as that. I hadn't even fully split up with my then boyfriend though my parents were convinced I had and should move on. Long story. I'll leave it for now.

I have actually been in this position with my own DD a couple of times. It is heartbreaking, but all you can do is offer moral support when required. Encourage her to talk if she wants to, leave her in peace if she prefers. Offer things that you can do together like going out for a coffee, having lunch out, going for a walk while the lovely weather holds. Baking, cooking together, watching Netflix or some crap TV.

It seems awful now but in time, the crap way ex has handled this will actually make your DD be able to see how incompatible they really were

Cries several times a day even now.
It's only been 2 weeks and she's hardly even unentangled herself from him. "Even now" is something you could say in another month!

She met him when she was only 17, relationships should be a laugh when you’re 17. It sounds like she was very entangled in him and quite dependent, which isn’t good. However, I imagine this was her first boyfriend and losing your first boyfriend is upsetting.

If she is in this much of a state, waking up calling out for you in the night, she sounds like she might be really struggling with her mental health. She doesn’t sound very resilient, maybe she needs some help to build her resilience up. I’m not sure how you’d go about this though.

There tucked against the kitchen door was a cardboard box full of dds things that must have been in bfs mums house. Expensive trainers on top of pj's and then 2 sanitary towels!? And 7 empty old bottles of shampoo and conditioner! I mean completely empty and dried up.. Years old.

What a nasty, spiteful thing to do!

Your poorDD - this has come out of the blue. In a year or so she will realise that she is well out of this foul and toxic family, but that is no comfort to her now as she is raw.

Allyou can do is support her and listen to her when she wants to talk, and try to keep her occupied.

My heart aches for her.

First love hurts the hardest. Just keep reassuring her that this pain she feels now will subside, it may be six weeks, it may be 8 but it won’t be longer than 12 for sure. The best thing she can do is erase him from her life, I mean block, delete, dispose of, because whilst she can still see and hear what he is doing all she will do is prolong the pain.cold Turkey is the only way.

She will look back in a time and think, OMG what did I see in him.

Finally, if it happens again it won’t ever be as bad as the first time, tell her that from me.

From a Mum who has mopped tears and mended heartbreak several times.

Op I too second the co-dependent style of the relationship where she seems unable to function without him is very unhealthy for her.

Your dd is so young and has the world at her feet, she needs to get out and start finding out who she is beyond the relationship with him, developing her own career, hobbies, friends and a whole life that is her own. Does she have any of the above?

Even if we are in the midst of a pandemic, making a schedule with her so she has some focus, fun with friends, going out, meeting new people. She can't stay at home and languish because it will take her even longer to recover.

It is so painful, awful but she is too young to settle down, the end of their relationship will come to be seen as a blessing in disguise trust me.

I went through similar at her age - to the extent that when I saw him again I was physically sick. She WILL get over it - even though you never believe that, first love and all that. I now look back and think had we married it would have been a disaster. All you can do is be there for her. But try not to 'pander' (bad word but can't think of more appropriate one) to her meltdown. I understand how he was part of your life too and you must have invested in him too - but she needs to move on, albeit slowly?

@Cocomarine

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!

It is perfectly reasonably that they would return a box of her things at the same time as picking up his. Especially when that includes expensive trainers!

It is perfectly reasonable that they would expect you to find a box outside your kitchen door - this talking of leavings to “rot” is over dramatic nonsense and you are not helping your daughter stoking it up like that.

Yes, it’s odd to include 7 empty bottles of shampoo - but if it was mum who included those, perhaps it was an understandable if petty reaction to the fact that this woman who does not even live with her has just left SEVEN empty bottles lying around her house? Maybe, she just didn’t think about whether they were full or not - if your daughter didn’t think they needed to be in the bin, why sound she? How is she supposed to know your daughter won’t complain that she didn’t get her whatever conditioner back, that had a tiny bit left in? If your daughter didn’t chuck them, then I think she’s in the frame for getting them back!

It’s horrible for your daughter, first break ups are HARD. So the best thing you can do it listen, cuddle, and NOT add drama over the perfectly reasonable return of this box.

Was thinking this, too.

He basically wants to erase her.
This is similar drama. He's made the hard decision to end a LTR, and it's pretty much normal for people to give their exes their stuff back asap. and indeed to remove all traces of their ex from their home, simply as they do not want to be surrounded by constant reminders of happier times. After I broke up from my ex, I took down the wedding photos. The bf is doing the equivalent. Might also be worth your daughter doing something similar. She should certainly give him his property back. But perhaps also put any other mementos in a box and stick it in the attic until she can look at it without feeling so sad.

When I broke up with my bf of two years (I was 21) the most useful thing my DM said was set yourself a time frame (3 weeks, 6 weeks etc) and review how you feel then. Between now and then don't worry trying to work out how you feel or what you want, just let the days pass.
Lo and behold, in 6 weeks I was still vaguely hurting but had moved on in my life and seen the bigger picture.

You need to not get drawn into the drama. Her whole life has been shaken up. You need to show her that there is still stability.

You say she's been 'set back' by the delivery of her stuff, so she must have been making progress prior to that. Allow time. 6 weeks is not long to get over a 4 year relationship that seemed happy a month ago.

You say it's killing you, but it isn't, is it? It's just hard, but not like the hard she's going through. Make sure it stays 'all about her', because if she gets an inkling that it's 'killing' you, she'll feel like a burden, on top of her current woes.

cocomarine

You really think it's normal to keep empty shampoo bottles for months, possibly years, just to stick the knife into someone?

You must be as cracked as the mother!

Perhaps this girl used the last of the shampoo, rushed off to work, and then the next time she went back the empty bottle had been disposed of (or placed in a Place o Safety for Revenge items). All the ghastly mother has to say is - "Could you pop empty bottles into the bin, love. Thanks" if she's pee-d about it.

Im with Cocomarine on this.

Of course she's upset, we've all been through this in one way or another. She just needs to keep busy and occupied, and time to get over it.

There was nothing nasty or spiteful in returning the stuff she had left at his parents. If she didn't want the shampoo she should have thrown the bottles away herself. They are not removing the traces of her, its all perfectly normal.

YOU need to stop feeling so emotional about it. YOU need to be her rock. Keep her entertained, listen when she wants to talk and tell her she will be fine. She is very young and everyone gets their heart broken.

What @Cocomarine said.

She'll move on. She's not been dumped with five kids/no income/debt. Be there for her, support her but don't make this into something it's not.

And stop blaming the BF's family! The relationship didn't work out. It happens.

*You really think it's normal to keep empty shampoo bottles for months, possibly years, just to stick the knife into someone?

You must be as cracked as the mother!

Perhaps this girl used the last of the shampoo, rushed off to work, and then the next time she went back the empty bottle had been disposed of (or placed in a Place o Safety for Revenge items). All the ghastly mother has to say is - "Could you pop empty bottles into the bin, love. Thanks" if she's pee-d about it*

Really?! . I'd hate to think my DDs would be so inconsiderate as to leave 7 empty shampoo bottles in someone else's home. A bit disrespectful?

How do you know his mother packed the box - maybe he just grabbed all her stuff - so much projection on this thread

She’s 21 with her life a head of her - let her grieve but don’t fan the flames and he is entitled to end the relationship- it’s allowed!