How to help broken hearted daughter.

[Stressed746]

My dd is 21. She lives with me and so did her boyfriend of 4 years until 2 weeks ago. They were extremely happy till a month ago and something happened for her to lose trust in him.. Arguments on and off for a month followed with him then ending it very abruptly 2 weeks ago. He basically wants to erase her.
She is beyond devestasted.. Has lost a stone. Cries several times a day even now. Wakes up at night crying and calling me.
She can't understand it.. Keeps going over it. 6 weeks ago he was telling her he couldn't wait to get married she was his whole world and he couldn't live without her.
It's killing me to watch her go this.. My support is the only thing keeping her going. I don't k iw what to do.

@Cocomarine

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!

It is perfectly reasonably that they would return a box of her things at the same time as picking up his. Especially when that includes expensive trainers!

It is perfectly reasonable that they would expect you to find a box outside your kitchen door - this talking of leavings to “rot” is over dramatic nonsense and you are not helping your daughter stoking it up like that.

Yes, it’s odd to include 7 empty bottles of shampoo - but if it was mum who included those, perhaps it was an understandable if petty reaction to the fact that this woman who does not even live with her has just left SEVEN empty bottles lying around her house? Maybe, she just didn’t think about whether they were full or not - if your daughter didn’t think they needed to be in the bin, why sound she? How is she supposed to know your daughter won’t complain that she didn’t get her whatever conditioner back, that had a tiny bit left in? If your daughter didn’t chuck them, then I think she’s in the frame for getting them back!

It’s horrible for your daughter, first break ups are HARD. So the best thing you can do it listen, cuddle, and NOT add drama over the perfectly reasonable return of this box.

I agree with this - you are really feeding the drama here.

Breakups are hard, but you need to just listen and be there for her, not stoke it up. Maybe recommend that she speaks to counsellor to help her work through her feelings.

Be there for her and listen to her. Agree with all the others that say not to make the drama worse.

It's a good time to teach resilieance and robustness too now.

Oh bless her. Same thing happened to me at the same age. I dread having to help mine through the terrible pain of their first really broken heart.

I remember the most helpful thing my parents could do was to keep going normally. Mum persuaded me to go to the supermarket or garden centre with her and got me out of the house once a dayish. That was helpful. It wasn't too demanding but filled time.

I remember her trying to say helpful things, which weren't. The people who did help were those who had been through it and who recognised the pain: a family friend getting divorced; someone else saying "You will survive, but it will take a long time. This is the most painful thing you will ever go through. This hurts like nothing else, but one day you will feel better."

Someone else pointed out that this was a bereavement. My hopes for the future and my relationship had died. I was allowed to mourn and feel bad. That helped.

Telling me to cheer up, or move on certainly didn't help. Neither did "At least you weren't engaged/married. That would be worse!" . Telling me to fake it, go to the hairdressers, meet up with friends etc, because then he might see what he had lost, did help a bit, because it gave me something to do, whilst letting time do its work.

I worked out that it would take a year to get through all of the firsts - first birthday without him, first Christmas etc., and that it was OK to feel sad for that long. I stopped howling everytime I walked down the street and saw a couple holding hands after a few weeks, but you can't hurry someone through grief. Just be there for them, and buy chocolate!

HTH

I had a similar thing at the exact same age, I was broken hearted, only time in my whole life I didn’t eat! All I can say is be there for her, listen to her, and keep an eye out for any signs of more serious depression, particularly early morning waking and apathy (rather than open devastation and grief). If it carries on being this intense for more than a couple more weeks maybe help her get linked in to a professional counsellor. Encourage her to do the things that make life worth living such as going on walks in nature, seeing friends and family, watching her favourite shows etc. I got back together with my boyfriend and we’re now married but I think I would have taken a couple of months to get over it at least otherwise.

Thanks so much everyone you have all really helped. We have been going out daily for walks etc. She has been out with friends several times too.. This helps. None of them can believe it they all say they never saw a couple so in love. Only 2 days before break up bf came home from work talking baby names and asking if he could be the stay at home dad. He was sending her pictures of future possible homes. In the middle of the night he would cuddle her and tell her she is his whole world and he loves her so much.
Why say all that? She is constantly going over it in her head.. I just listen and try not to comment on it. I said nothing bad about the box being left to her.. I tried to reassure her it wasn't bad.
She seems fixated on getting back together. She has gone no contact as she has read this works? She gets very upset if I suggest she is better off without him and mist worryingly has said she won't want to live if he gets with someone else. She then later says she doesn't mean it but that it will destroy her.

She is going back to uni soon.. But living at home as most of it is online.

I do think it’s unfair to break up without even talking about it first - happened to a friend who had no warning at all anything was wrong and suddenly he’d left. I feel the kind thing to do is at least say you’re not happy a few days/weeks before or have a few arguments so it’s clear something is wrong, rather than playing along everything is fine. Otherwise the left party is left second guessing themselves in every future relationship about how they didn’t see the warning signs.

@Nomoreilove

she’s it still young and had a lucky escape. Sounds awful, but tell her no ones died, there’s no need for her to be crying like that. She’ll meet someone new and forget about this one

That is exactly what you shouldn't do as it shows a total lack of understanding of what she is going through.

Ah bless. I remember going home to mum and dad too after a bad break up. I couldn't eat, so mum did her homemade soup and whizzed up smoothies. She invented DIY projects like painting a bedroom she 'needed help with'. She lined up soppy movies for us to watch. She didn't say much other than to tell me it would get better and that ex was a wanker that I was too good for.
Dad dragged me out on long walks, down to the village pub for a quiet pint and just..listened. God, that helped so much.
The GP suggested that I write my feelings into a journal if I felt like I wanted to text or email ex. That was an excellent strategy and I could see looking back on earlier entries how far I had come.
After three weeks I was much stronger. After 6 I was almost back to myself and knew it was for the best, 6 months down the line I wondered what I ever saw in the fucker. And 12 months later I met DH.

Only 2 days before break up bf came home from work talking baby names and asking if he could be the stay at home dad.

At age 21 this sort of behaviour isn't really a good sign in a relationship... it's actually a bit unhealthy and disturbing. Very co-dependent.

I can see why your DD might not recognise that, but surely you, as an older / more experienced adult, can see it?

No I didn't see that. I got married at 20 myself dh was 22 I don't think 21 is too young to plan a future with someone. They aren't 16.

@Cocomarine

I’m sorry she’s hurting, but you need to dial down your own drama here!

It is perfectly reasonably that they would return a box of her things at the same time as picking up his. Especially when that includes expensive trainers!

It is perfectly reasonable that they would expect you to find a box outside your kitchen door - this talking of leavings to “rot” is over dramatic nonsense and you are not helping your daughter stoking it up like that.

Yes, it’s odd to include 7 empty bottles of shampoo - but if it was mum who included those, perhaps it was an understandable if petty reaction to the fact that this woman who does not even live with her has just left SEVEN empty bottles lying around her house? Maybe, she just didn’t think about whether they were full or not - if your daughter didn’t think they needed to be in the bin, why sound she? How is she supposed to know your daughter won’t complain that she didn’t get her whatever conditioner back, that had a tiny bit left in? If your daughter didn’t chuck them, then I think she’s in the frame for getting them back!

It’s horrible for your daughter, first break ups are HARD. So the best thing you can do it listen, cuddle, and NOT add drama over the perfectly reasonable return of this box.

Fully agree with this.

Had they decided between themselves to start a family then? IMO, the only context in which it's normal to be talking about whether someone is going to be a SAHP is if there is a serious plan to have children in the near future.

Were they living in their own place then? It sounded to me like they were in a room at his parents' house, which would make conversations about children even more bizarre.

@Stressed746

Thanks so much everyone you have all really helped. We have been going out daily for walks etc. She has been out with friends several times too.. This helps. None of them can believe it they all say they never saw a couple so in love. Only 2 days before break up bf came home from work talking baby names and asking if he could be the stay at home dad. He was sending her pictures of future possible homes. In the middle of the night he would cuddle her and tell her she is his whole world and he loves her so much. Why say all that? She is constantly going over it in her head.. I just listen and try not to comment on it. I said nothing bad about the box being left to her.. I tried to reassure her it wasn't bad. She seems fixated on getting back together. She has gone no contact as she has read this works? She gets very upset if I suggest she is better off without him and mist worryingly has said she won't want to live if he gets with someone else. She then later says she doesn't mean it but that it will destroy her.

Not to excuse it but sometimes when people feel their love waning or things not working they ‘double down’ and lovebomb their partner to try prove those doubts wrong, or they feel guilty for feeling that way and overcompensate with their partner. But then the feelings get too much.

He definitely owed her a decent break up but unfortunately sometimes when you’re young you don’t have the life experience to know the best way to handle difficult situations.

Yes I agree that no contact is absolutely the best way forward. This includes all social media etc. It’s natural for her to say those things about him meeting someone else etc and to be honest I did feel like dying when my ex brought his new gf to a party. BUT it doesn’t mean she’s actually planning on harming herself. It’s more a reflection of the grief she’s feeling. When she says things like that I would just gently try to move the conversation on. It would be helpful for her to start a journal so she can get all of her feelings out and anything she would normally want to say to him.

There’s no point at all in contacting him as he will already have moved on to a certain extent and won’t be the loving bf she knows. He’ll be a cold hearted ex now and it will just hurt her further.

Distraction and comfort are way forward now

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Had they decided between themselves to start a family then? IMO, the only context in which it's normal to be talking about whether someone is going to be a SAHP is if there is a serious plan to have children in the near future.

Were they living in their own place then? It sounded to me like they were in a room at his parents' house, which would make conversations about children even more bizarre.

I think the OP says they both lived with her (the OP) until a month ago. I agree that the conversations about babies between two people who still live with their parents are quite mad. He sounds like a bad case of future-faking.

Sorry - I've just seen that they lived with you.

It is not normal or healthy to be talking about who will be a SAHP when you are 21 and haven't even managed to leave home yet. It was never a sign of devotion, more like downright delusional. It's future faking.... playing at being happy families. I am genuinely surprised that the OP can't recognise it for what it was.

Only 2 days before break up bf came home from work talking baby names and asking if he could be the stay at home dad
Maybe someone at work is having a baby, so the subject was on his mind, and he was just talking about what he would like to do when he's a dad? (Obviously that may not be how it would come over to his gf!)

@Didiusfalco

I had an engagement break down at a similar age. My mum and dad got me through. It was the small stuff, my dad is a relationship counsellor so obviously he was a great listener. We would go for walks and chat, watch films together, do the shopping. Often mundane stuff, but enough to keep me going so I didn't just sit around doing nothing. I'm lucky that they are awesome and so are you.

This. Get her out for walks and encourage her to do things with you - even if it’s only going to get the car washed. See if you can get her out on a hike to walk some of her anxiety off

It will pass and remind her this feeling won’t last forever.

Break ups are hard! I went through similar aged 24.

I cried ALOT: it felt like the world was ending. I remember someone telling me that it takes a month per every year you've been together to get over it: that is probably complete bollocks, but it did help me accept that I would be sad for a long time, but that it would get better. So two weeks isn't long at all.

I had another, not quite as bad, breakup when I was 28 and this book really helped (although it is cheesy as hell - maybe give her a bit longer!): www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken-ebook/dp/B002RI9J5A?tag=mumsnetforu03-21#:~:text=%22It%27s%20Called%20a%20Breakup%20Because%20It%27s%20Broken%20is,jump%20on%20the%20brighter%20romantic%20future%20that%20awaits.

Big love to her!

My mum wasn’t that sympathetic when my first serious bf dumped me she was very busy and quite stressed at work and actually think that was the right approach! I was 18 though so abit younger. Heartbreak is miserable but sorry she’s just got to barrel through it. Handwringing alongside her isn’t helpful really.

If they were so happy what happened to make her suddenly lose trust in him?

Been through this recently. Lots of love, hugs, ice cream, chick flicks, making whatever she was willing to eat (she stopped eating at one point) and she had to go on anti anxiety meds. 3 months on its much better but the first 6 weeks was hard

She's far too young to be thinking of marriage and planning out her whole life - especially with a young man from a distinctly dodgy family background. She'll get over it - we all did.
And definitely stop stoking the drama. What a load of nonsense about bottles of shampoo! Your daughter's 21 - you're not!

To be fair the level of upset depends on your family culture. My parents would be faintly horrified and surprised if my sisters or I married our first boyfriends from age of 17 so break ups were seen as an inevitable part of life. One sister married her university boyfriend the other two of us were late twenties before we even met our now husbands. However if getting together at 17 and marriage at 21 is the norm for you you will be more upset.