To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

I am 36 and I just realised that my mother has never met any of my boyfriend's parents.
She hasn't even met every boyfriend, she had met some of my boyfriends, but she has never met their parents.

I had a two and a half year relationship and my mother met my boyfriend once. And I didn't meet his mother until two years in. We were just very independent and lived about three hours away from our mothers.

If she is jot pushing hard to go, I think she possibly wants to use you as the excuse not to go, and I think you should let yourself be cast in the role of the villain on this occasion. Just tell her the reason she can't go is because they have only just met and if they fall out they are too far away to come collect her. Tell her you will phone the mother to explain this to her. Don't back down. Just say the above and that you know you are overprotective (lie!) but you'd much prefer to wait until they have been together at least a year before foreign holidays. This is a perfectly valid reason and doesn't reflect an opinion on anyone!!

Ask her if he have ever used the “if you really love me you will do...” as a way to get her to do something she was uncomfortable with.

If she feels she needs to hide her IG account from him in the back of her mind she know something is wrong.

I say this as someone who dated that Much older guy in a fucked up overly intense controlling relationship.
I knew something was wrong but couldn’t workout how to get back out of that hole I dug for myself.

No chance.

If you’ve still got enough sway that she will actually listen to you and not go then tell her she’s not going.

Sometimes it’s well worth being the bad cop if the results are worth it.

Sounds like the holiday will be one big piss up with lots of arguments and a crying teenager on the phone wanting to come back

Let’s be honest it wasn’t a hole I dug myself it was a fucking Punji pit hidden by very thin veneer of charm

If my mother told me not to go on anoliday at 18, I eould be shocked, and them I would still go

The boyfriend AND his parents sound toxic, it's early days too so you wonder what they be like a year down the line.

If this was my daughter, I be having a honest discussion about my concerns and not biting my tounge hoping she come to her senses.

Whatever little power you have now, you should be using.

I'd point out that if something goes wrong in another country she's there with only strangers, no support and nowhere to run to. Also that if lockdown happens unexpectedly again she may well find herself unable to get home for weeks.

she is not 18
you have every right to say no.
you need to arrange to meet them, invite them over , if you have any any inclination of letting her go.
but you could of course arrange to meet them just to be friendly

Meet the Fockers 🤣

OP YANBU this is just a question of how you navigate this so that your daughter is kept onside, feels like a grownup and remains open to making choices without judgment from you.

I'd be terrified if it was my daughter. But the last thing you want to do is have a situation where she is digging her heels in to prove you wrong.

Why can’t she sleep with a guy on the first date if she wants too? She doesn’t need your permission! You do sound judgmental.

A holiday away with a boyfriend sounds great. I can see why the boyfriend is annoyed if you have said no! She is a adult and they want to spend time together....it’s not really your say.

So what if his parents are weird
Your weird parents too telling a adult what they can and can’t do.

Say No,
you have an 18th organised,
she will miss college
and conveniently Covid

The boyfriend doesn't sound great but she needs to figure that out for herself. I think you're definitely overreacting calling his parents predatory! They sound alright to me, if they're going to a villa anyway then what's wrong with inviting her?

For those that say she’s nearly 18 and an adult, I always say, how many of you have DC this age?

Yes, we’ve all been young once and yes we did less than great things at the same age but just leaving her to it because she’s nearly an adult and the suggestion that you’re controlling is wrong on both counts. You don’t stop hurting and caring when your kids get 18 on their birthday cards.

Some good advice on here OP, mainly from those saying explain why you’re unhappy, explain what doesn’t sit right with you, don’t offer or provide any financial help, step back.

Be there to pick up the pieces.

I have grown up DC and I’ve picked up many pieces, we got there in the end 💐

I think YANBU, entirely.

I'm trying to think back to when I was 17 - I'd started going out with my boyfriend at 16, nearly 17 and had been going out with him for about 3 months when I was invited to go on holiday with him and his father and younger brother. It was pretty intense but we were at school together so had a lot of time together. My parents had met him of course, but not his father (his mother was another kettle of fish entirely and they were long divorced), I don't think but I can't remember exactly! There was certainly no havey caviness about it though, and it's quite likely that they did speak to the BF's father before we went away, but they didn't meet. We only went to the Norfolk Broads though - not fecking Gran Canaria! And iirc, I didn't have to pay except for my own food, because the boat cost the same regardless of whether there were 3 or 4 people on it.

So that was back in the 80s. My parents weren't hippies or totally liberal but they seemed ok with me going to stay with my boyfriend at his dad's house (they never said they weren't, let's put it that way).

However, I had known my BF's family the entire time I'd known him (perils of being at school together, I guess!) so it wasn't like they were strangers to me. Could my parents have refused to let me go? I don't actually know - they didn't try. I was working weekends so had my own money and was going to university after those summer holidays - guess they thought I was big enough to make my own decisions.

So much for my experience of many years ago!

But I don't like your DD's situation much. She met this boy through Twitter, he's already showing dodgy behaviour (the IG thing is very peculiar) and now he and his parents are putting pressure on your DD to comply with their somewhat forward request, instead of being laid back about it. Especially if you are having to pay for her!

I see the red flags but who knows how over-cautious you're being - you're not going to know until/unless something happens/was prevented.

On balance, I would suggest you take a step back and say that you are letting her make her own decision but she needs to fund it herself.

I can’t believe you’re getting quite so slated here OP!

She’s fallen headfirst for a boy from a ropey sounding family, there are red flags everywhere and your daughter has started acting differently.

I’m with you. Their values sound totally different to yours so if course alarm bells are ringing.

Also there’s a bloody pandemic. Why are they booking this holiday? Probably because it’s cheap!

Yes at their age we all did silly things like get drunk but also our parents would be gently saying “learn your limits” and his mother falling out of a taxi and getting defensive is a very different approach.

I would also be mentally panicking that I don’t know their values...are they a family who routinely move fast and have kids young? Lots do, but it might not be what you want for your daughter.

How you handle it I’d the tricky thing, you’re getting a lot of judgement for “handling it wrong” and advice ranging from neglect to decent advice.

Don’t pay for it OP. You don’t agree with it and if they have a row whilst away she’ll have no one to turn to.

Hopefully your daughter will see the light soon...

You sound like a totally normal and concerned parent, can't believe some of the comments on this thread. It's so easy to just say '18 is an adult' , it might legally be true but how many 18 year olds are fully capable of living an independent life?

My DS is 19 and of course I want to know where he is and who he is spending time with ... he has only stayed at his GF's parents house once, and that was after a conversation with her parents (whom we know) and a clear explanation of the separate bedroom arrangements . Of course I am not naive, I know they spend time together when at their (separate) uni accommodation but we expect, and receive, courtesy when our DS is still living at home and financially dependent on us. If that makes me 'controlling' so be it, my DPs were the same when I was a teenager/young adult (and yes, I did some stupid things which hopefully they never found out about) but we have a great relationship still and I fully appreciate why they had basic rules and expectations of behaviour.

Not a single parent I kew when I was a teenager, would have thought telling a 17 year that she couldn’t stay at a very new boyfriend’s house was “ controlling” , or would have thought it fine to allow their daughter to go on a foreign holiday with a family she barely knows
This. And I'm 30! My brother has a 16yo and he is implementing the same "rules". Maybe I just grew up on a very different environment than everyone else here without knowing it.

Op you're a perfectly normal concerned parent. It's not acceptable for your dd to go abroad and miss college, especially when it will involve quarantining. They sound irresponsible and the bf clearly doesn't respect you. Don't ignore your gut instincts.

Tell her she has a whole lifetime of weird in laws and their drama to look forward to. Dating at 18 should be fun.

They sound toxic and controlling. Controlling people tend to accuse others of behaviour traits they are manifesting themselves. It is far more concerning for your dd to go to a villa than a hotel. At a hotel, she can at least extricate herself far easier if anything goes wrong.

Does your dd genuinely want to go? Perhaps talk to her about how she would handle a dispute with her bf and wanted to come home. Explain you’d be more comfortable with a hotel rather than a villa as that is difficult to return from - isolating etc. Maybe try to find a middle ground. Due to the pandemic, you couple perhaps offer to help pay for a romantic weekend away with him or something - xmas present? It’s early days and with a bit of luck it will have fizzled by then. Maybe bring up the IG account or something he’s said and ask how they’re getting along atm. Perhaps she will open up about his parents, if they’ve seen the fighting and what they’re saying to her.

I’m just trying to remember what it’s like at 17. When I was 17, I went on a French Exchange. The girls boyfriend was at the house from about 7 am to 11 pm. He was pinning me up against walls trying to grip and kiss me. I definitely didn’t know how to handle that. No way would I want your dd to go away with a group of people behaving in such a controlling manner. I would be afraid your dd may get hurt physically.

You’re getting a hard time from some people saying ‘she’s an adult’ but I think your instincts are right.I am not sensationalising this but imagine what it would sound like to the police if anything happened.

A boy you have never met got to know your 17yo daughter online and within a few weeks is already showing horribly abusive and controlling behaviour. His parents - last name unknown- have not been in touch but a drunk woman dropped your drunk daughter off in a taxi one night after you insisted she come home. Then she went abroad on holiday with them all during a pandemic.

So no, YADNBU.

The holiday is ridiculous. The answer is no.

I’d be worried that this is not a 17yo boy but someone much older. I actually doubted the parents existed (for sleepovers and holiday) until you had the pleasure of meeting the ‘mother’. Unless she was a next door neighbour posing as a mother! Why didn’t the BF come in the taxi?

If he really is 17 then he has learnt this abusive behaviour from somewhere.

The whole thing is covered in red flags but quite apart from the holiday and the freedom issues, the boyfriend sounds vile and she needs protecting from him.

@Thehollyandtheirony

Tell her she has a whole lifetime of weird in laws and their drama to look forward to. Dating at 18 should be fun.

This is so true. None of this is normal! She deserves better!

And @Mummyoflittledragon makes a great point about the villa. It could be in the middle of nowhere. Big red flags.

I think OP sounds like a good mum. We think young people are adults far too young 17 is young and it's great that she has a mum who cares.

I see far too many people saying "well I can't tell him what to do, he's 15 now"

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking to stay at a boyfriends at 17 when I lived at home still.

That said, if she was off to uni at 18 them she would be living alone and meeting boyfriends whenever