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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

504 replies

cinderelly · 21/09/2020 22:55

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 22/09/2020 04:34

Check what contraception she's on, talk to her about the MAP. Sorry if this has already been covered.

seayork2020 · 22/09/2020 04:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 22/09/2020 04:42

Yanbu. His parents sound very unusual. I would be feeling extremely concerned and cautious in your shoes. It's exasperating the way 17 year olds are so confident they know everything isn't it?

Rainagain72 · 22/09/2020 04:50

Given her age, I don’t think it’s odd at all that his parents asked your daughter to go on holiday with them without consulting you...but they do sound awful from what you say and hopefully the trip won’t happen.

Cutting the apron strings works both ways...while I think the OP comes across as a bit over invested in her adult daughters relationship, it also seems like the daughter has given Mum a running commentary from the start so she has invited this to some extent.

Sarahpaula · 22/09/2020 04:52

17 - 18 is totally old enough to be going away on holiday. I went on a holiday with friends when I was 18. I think you are over reacting

Mia184 · 22/09/2020 04:54

Isn’t Gran Canaria a high risk area at the moment? It is here in Germany where you have to go into quarantine for 2 weeks if you return from GC.

Torvean32 · 22/09/2020 05:06

I think you have done the right thing.

If anybody is controlling it's the boyfriend's family. They've booked this villa, without giving your daughter the chance to think about it and discuss it.

The fact they go out on nights with their 18 year old is a bit weird. I would not be surprised if they are very controlling of him.
If your daughter gets sucked in, she will end up doing and seeing who they want, and when they want.

Being honest I'd be very wary of them.
I'd start by refusing the holiday.

zoemum2006 · 22/09/2020 05:08

Her boyfriend sounds like a dick and his parents sound awful and I don't think you're being unreasonable BUT if this is your DD's first BF then kid gloves are essential.

She sounds like she's being manipulated so it's no wonder your 'momma bear' defences are up but try to take some of the heat out the situation.

Rainagain72 · 22/09/2020 05:11

@Sarahpaula

17 - 18 is totally old enough to be going away on holiday. I went on a holiday with friends when I was 18. I think you are over reacting
Totally agree .... and at that age I would have been embarrassed if my parents wanted to meet my boyfriends parents.....in normal circumstances I’d think OP was over-reacting too, but her DD has involved her in the relationship from the start telling her about all the upsets so it’s hardly surprising.
DoubleTweenQueen · 22/09/2020 05:11

72% YANBU, and I agree.Your daughter would be fairly reliant on these people when abroad, if she went, and they don’t sound very reliable - barely ‘parental’. That’s before you take into account emotional maturity. It would be a no from me.

Babyboomtastic · 22/09/2020 05:12

The boyfriend
This is where your concern should lie, if anywhere, especially if there has been drama. I'd want to meet him - perhaps invite him round for dinner with an open mind. I'd have some concerns from his reluctance to meet, though you aren't exactly giving off welcoming vibes.

The parents
I'd you happen to be at the same place, it's nice to say hi, but otherwise unless they marry or have children, then you've got no real reason to meet. I find your insistence on meeting them very odd.

I find you wondering if they are predators (what's this even mean in this case - what's your worry) even odder.

I'm not a very liberal parent. my parents really weren't. But even I find your attitude towards the parents really weird. For them to phone you up wouldn't be a courtesy, it would be really weird IMO. They aren't young children on a playdate.

anotherhumanfemale · 22/09/2020 05:13

She has no relationship experience which also means she has no experience of a) what a good relationship feels like or b) how to end a relationship.

I don't know how to deal with the current situation but it might be an idea to invest some time in doing things with her that make her feel good. Things she enjoys - that he can't join with (and ruin). The more he takes control of her life the less she has to go back to. And she doesn't know how to get out. Anything that can maintain her sense of self will offset what this prick is doing, keeping her stronger. It's not easy, especially with her age, but worth an attempt.

Toontown · 22/09/2020 05:15

Well I put yabu. But only because she is an adult. However, yanbu to not pay for this. Give her your blessing to go but she of course has to pay her own way. I moved out at 18 with my very undesirable (to a parent) boyfriend. We split up a year later at it taught me all sorts.

SBTLove · 22/09/2020 05:19

She constantly blames herself and persuades herself its just friendly banter when he puts her down for her clothes, her education, her IG posts. She even had a secret IG account from him. He looked in her phone, found it and left her sobbing in town after he told her it was over because she didn't tell him
This IS a concern not a week in The Canaries!!!

DoubleTweenQueen · 22/09/2020 05:22

:O I didn’t see that bit. That’s unacceptable.

Monty27 · 22/09/2020 05:23

OP if your DD is as sensible as she sounds maybe they like the idea of her caring for him to absolve themselves of responsibility so they can go on the piss all the time or something 😳

billybagpuss · 22/09/2020 05:43

Unfortunately a decision cannot wait as they are pushing and pushing for an answer and when she politely declined she was accused of having controlling parents

So she’d already declined and then they blamed you? Does she actually want to go, let her use you as an excuse if she doesn’t. It makes no difference what his family think of you as long as she knows the truth and is happy with the situation.

overnightangel · 22/09/2020 05:49

17 - 18 is totally old enough to be going away on holiday. I went on a holiday with friends when I was 18. I think you are over reacting

Hasnt read thread/misses point spectacularly

Monty27 · 22/09/2020 05:52

You don't want your DD mothering him surely. And to be fair your DD doesn't sound that enamoured either and is being pressured

HappenedForAReisling · 22/09/2020 05:58

to go half way across the world

3.5 hours is NOT halfway across the world. Try Australia lol

Rollmopsrule · 22/09/2020 06:04

Agree with the poster that said this could result in your daughter stropping off to go and live with this family. Tred very carefully. I think you will just have to go along with it all. Don't be critical and make a big effort to keep the lines of communication open and your relationship supportive with your daughter. His parents sounds bloody awful. It may take a bit of time but she will need to come to that conclusion herself. Ironically it sounds to me that it's the bf family that are controlling. Surely the bf parents joining them for nights out will wear thin pretty quickly.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 22/09/2020 06:17

I think if she’s thinking of going on holiday with them, you need to meet them first. She shouldn’t go if you haven’t met them properly,, even being almost 18. Difficult to meet up in these times though.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 22/09/2020 06:21

Would she do the freedom program so she can understand that he isn’t actually a good guy? It should hopefully open her eyes a bit.
That his isolating her and continued putting her down is actually controlling abusive behaviour?
The whole dumping her then taking her back when she does what he wants and then love bombs her is abusive in itself.

Is he actually her age? Or much older?
Because to me they sound like the behaviour of a older guy. Are him “parent” his actual parents or his mates?

Honestly talk to her in a calm manner and ask what will happen if they have a falling out on the trip. Where will she stay and how will she get home?

EmbarrassedUser · 22/09/2020 06:22

YABU. She’ll be 18 @cinderelly aka An Adult! Seriously, are you still going to be like this when she’s 19, 20, 30?? Hmm Helicopter parent.....

IHateCoronavirus · 22/09/2020 06:24

I would have big concerns too op. There seem to be a lot of red flags. She probably subconsciously knows he/they are not perfect.

Do: listen, give her open ended question to help her reflect eg. Why did you feel the need to gave a second IG account? How did you feel when he found it? Would she have reacted the same way? If not why not?
Try not to shut down discussion with a blank no, even if that is what you know in your heart of hearts is best for her. The risk of her going underground in future is too great.

A cautionary tale from the DD’s perspective.
I clashed quite a bit with my own mother in my later teenage years. Similar things to your DD but my mum was very vocal and confrontational in her disapproval. I thought I was in love, I knew I wasn’t happy with the relationship, but I so wanted to be in a relationship. I honestly think a gentler approach from her meant I would haveFelt supported and validated to leave him sooner.

When I met DH I eventually eloped. I was married a good six months before she even knew. The fear of sharing relationship news was so intense. Her approval vs my future. Also sadly when my baby dd died I didn’t let her come to the funeral. Sad again I just needed the day to be about dd not about what my mum thought was best.

You aren’t my DM and your DD isn’t me so I am not saying it will come to that. If you find the answer let us all know, this is something I am dreading with my own DD Flowers