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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

504 replies

cinderelly · 21/09/2020 22:55

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
cinderelly · 22/09/2020 10:54

So update.
We have been out for breakfast this morning and she had confided in me so much. This is definitely the beginning of an abusive relationship and the parents and the holiday isn't the issue anymore - this was the catalyst. Shes explained that he's made her cry at least twice a week. Insisted on her social media passwords. Insisted she go on the pill (I knew about this and thought it better to be safe then sorry as it seemed to be a joint decision - I was wrong - shes admitted to feeling pressured). He has told her his friends are "nasty behind her back" and he can't wait to tell her what they said- which drives another wedge and gives her massive insecurity. (She is 5'11 and he is 5'9 apparently). He's encouraging her to leave college and get a job (she's just got a distinction in her first year and has a year left to go before making uni decisions). When she told him no, he joined the same college and hates it - so asked her to bunk off and "flips" when she refused. This is all in a matter of a month.

I'm so sad that this is her first relationship experience - but I'm proud that she is recognising that this isn't healthy and wants it to end.

Shes also admitted that she feels there something fishy about the parents - hallelujah! Mums always trust your instincts.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 22/09/2020 10:55

Can I suggest you read the OP"s "chilling" updates before you tell the OP to chill @bluebeck Hmm

PerveenMistry · 22/09/2020 10:56

@cinderelly

So update. We have been out for breakfast this morning and she had confided in me so much. This is definitely the beginning of an abusive relationship and the parents and the holiday isn't the issue anymore - this was the catalyst. Shes explained that he's made her cry at least twice a week. Insisted on her social media passwords. Insisted she go on the pill (I knew about this and thought it better to be safe then sorry as it seemed to be a joint decision - I was wrong - shes admitted to feeling pressured). He has told her his friends are "nasty behind her back" and he can't wait to tell her what they said- which drives another wedge and gives her massive insecurity. (She is 5'11 and he is 5'9 apparently). He's encouraging her to leave college and get a job (she's just got a distinction in her first year and has a year left to go before making uni decisions). When she told him no, he joined the same college and hates it - so asked her to bunk off and "flips" when she refused. This is all in a matter of a month.

I'm so sad that this is her first relationship experience - but I'm proud that she is recognising that this isn't healthy and wants it to end.

Shes also admitted that she feels there something fishy about the parents - hallelujah! Mums always trust your instincts.

OMG.

"Wants it to end.." like someone else has a say in the matter? She needs to tell the whole trashy lot of them to bugger right off, and then block.

crosspelican · 22/09/2020 10:59

Ow wow @cinderelly - what a great update! And what a horrible horrible shit of a "man" she she has encountered here.

Is she ending it? Can you offer your help in extricating herself?

Does she understand that he is not normal in any way and that he actually hates her and enjoys the distress he is causing her?

bluebeck · 22/09/2020 11:01

My remark about chilling was directly in relation to the OP question about the holiday. OPs updates show that I, and all the posters who suggest she try not to stress about it as it really was unlikely to happen, was correct.

Some of us have lived through similar situations - my advice was sound. Sometimes you really do have to sit back and wait it out rather than piling a load of mumsnet style hysteria onto a hormone riddled teenager. Smile

Glad it's working out OP.

crosspelican · 22/09/2020 11:01

When I broke up with an abusive boyfriend at 20 I didn't realise that I could just block him. That I actually didn't have to "support" through dealing with my betrayal (!!!) and endure months of manipulation and gaslightling. I could just block his number and never see/speak to him again. Honestly didn't think I could do that. Your daughter might not realise how logistically easy it is for her never to have any contact from him again and that it actually doesn't MATTER if it "upsets" him.

Original poster
cinderelly · 22/09/2020 11:01

Thank you. Its a scary world out there and I'm just relieved that she has the sense to nip it in the bud.

OP posts:
GetOffYourHighHorse · 22/09/2020 11:05

'We have been out for breakfast this morning and she had confided in me so much. This is definitely the beginning of an abusive relationship and the parents and the holiday isn't the issue anymore - this was the catalyst'

Oh that's great and what a quick turnaround!

Always best to talk to them rather than criticise other parents.

Heffalooomia · 22/09/2020 11:06

She's so lucky that you have her back 🙏
This lad has seen someone lovely and accomplished, who clearly had a much better start in life than he did and his response is to try and control and crush her so that she is beneath him.
I'm sorry that this lad comes from a difficult background but that doesn't make it right for your daughter to be sacrificed to appease him.

purpleboy · 22/09/2020 11:08

That's is a sad update op but good that she recognized the unhealthy dynamic, is she going to end the relationship?
FWIW I agreed with you completely, it sounded like a horrible situation.

converseandjeans · 22/09/2020 11:09

Great news - hope she keeps away from him now.

pomdownunder1 · 22/09/2020 11:11

I think your instincts are right, I'd be worried too. I'd also be getting her a book to read on healthy relationships and signs of control!! If anything it's a good learning curve for her.

I had a similar experience when I was about the same age. My parents aren't the type to speak out or challenge my actions but I knew they didn't like my boyfriend from the way they reacted to plans etc. it took me a while to realise that they were right and I wish they'd have sat me down and told me earlier actually but who knows if I would have listened. In hindsight there was a lot of manipulation and some control in the relationship but it did teach me what I didn't want in the future!

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 22/09/2020 11:11

OP this is good news. The best.

AlternativePerspective · 22/09/2020 11:14

So has she ended it now OP?

At this stage I would be saying to her that she should end the relationship, block his number so he can’t persuade her otherwise, change all her social media passwords.

Joining the same college as her is chilling. And he’s only eighteen. Imagine what kind of an abuser he’s going to be in ten years time.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/09/2020 11:19

is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

^WELL DONE OP

YOUR INSTINCTS WERE CORRECT.

( still flabbergasted at some of the posters on here- and I'm not "MN hysterical " . Deadly calm. )^

anorangeaday · 22/09/2020 11:20

Has she ended the relationship

SirVixofVixHall · 22/09/2020 11:21

It seems unlikely that he is 18.
Also has he “pressured” her into sex , seeing as he pressured her into going on the pill I would be worried about this ?

TinkerPony · 22/09/2020 11:27

Advise her to end relationship now ASAP via phone call she does not need to meet him anymore to err on the side of caution in case he seriously lash out.
It utterly chilling that he join same college as her and try to manipulate her to bunk off then leave college to get job.
He a psycho in plain sight, learned behaviour from his parents I bet where else.

FourPlasticRings · 22/09/2020 11:34

www.gov.uk/government/news/new-definition-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse-to-include-16-and-17-year-olds--2

It counts as domestic violence under the coercive control category.

pomdownunder1 · 22/09/2020 11:37

Sorry just read your update! Good news and great learning curve!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/09/2020 11:38

@TryAnotherNickname

Ha g on - so he wasn’t in the taxi when the drunk parents dropped your daughter home? If that’s the case I agree with PP - this boyfriend is not their son and is far older than your daughter has told you. Any chance you could speak to the two friends who met him and didn’t like him?
I think you are right.

She would be far too vulnerable going away with him and his "parents" - and I also thought that speaking to her friends is a very good idea.

billybagpuss · 22/09/2020 11:38

Please say she has now dumped him!

blanchmange50 · 22/09/2020 11:38

What a horrible first relationship for your DD. She is going to require your support to end it with this boy. He sounds dreadful and his parents trying to whisk her off on her 18th is just bizarre.....

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/09/2020 11:39

Oh - sorry - something good has happened!

I should have read the full thread.

Glad things are working out well (I'll read updates now, after I've wiped the egg off my face.)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/09/2020 11:41

Read your update - so glad she's ended the relationship - but be prepared for him to make a pest himself for a while, and for her to get very upset about it.