To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

How disappointing that on here of all places, so many posters are unsupportive of an OP who has quite justifiable worries about this situation.

It's not about controlling parents, it's about coercive behaviour and adults who are unusually invested in getting a very young adult abroad on her own.

OP - I take it you know the names of the adult parents involved? Have you tried googling them? Or asking your local community police officer for advice/info? Something feels really odd about this one.

I would be saying the same if your daughter was 25 to be honest. I left home at 18 to go to uni, but if I'd told my rather flippant, unconcerned parents about a scenario like this, they would have been in contact with the boyfriend's parents heavily to check them out.

I'm sorry op but this sounds like your DS is embarrassed for her bf's parents to meet you as thinks you're chalk and cheese. It sounds like his family are relaxed and yours are uptight and strict. This reminds me of my own family (the relaxed ones) and my dh's (the controlling one). When we were young we would spend all our time with mine and he wouldnt communicate with his as they always caused so much hassle. Dh's are now estranged. I'm not saying this will happen to you but make sure the lines of honest communication are open as this has happened for a reason.

Hang on? They have been on almost every date with them and you're the controlling one? Something doesn't add up here!
They sound crazy. I wouldn't be paying for a holiday for my child to go away with them.

My gut reaction is they think inviting DD is a way of getting someone else to help fund their holiday, hence the pressure.
Also, as you already feel, this is an abusive relationship where your daughter is being made to feel worthless for behaving in an entirely reasonable way, they are making her feel bad/wrong for who she is, once the ground she stands on is good and rocky they will offer her 'stability' IF she does what they say.

Is your daughter telling her bf and family she isn't happy at home? The mothers reaction was almost a defensive 'oh are you complaining again' remark. I dont agree with what has taken place but believe there is more to it.

Drug mule?? 🙄

Actually, I’m thinking that the “father” in the taxi was in fact the boyfriend

I don’t think YABU. She is 17 but technically still a child and under your responsibility. The bf’s parents sound like riff raff and a bad influence to be honest. First relationships are learning experiences and this one’s likely not to last but even so no way would I be letting her travel with them considering the boy’s behaviour towards her and that they haven’t been going out long, especially as you’re expected to pay for it in the middle of a pandemic!

I think your being a bit controlling. From 16 I never asked my parents if I could stay out at weekends or who I could go on holiday with. As long as I kept my parents in the loop they were grand. Your holding on too tight.

Hmm a hard one. I think you are right to have reservations BUT I don't think you're going about things reasonably.

At that age I'd been on holiday with boyfriends parents, and don't remember them officially asking my parents. They didn't really know each other! At 17 (v nearly 18) you really do need to take a step back a bit - obvs still have your opinions but it's time to be an supportive role rather than the person that makes decisions for your DD. You say she's mature, so she'll be wanting to make her own decisions now. You need to just be there to help her if she needs it. If she feels you're controlling and don't respect her as an adult she won't come to you for help, which will be disastrous if the boyfriend isn't quite price charming after all!

They’re probably furious because they were hoping to use your money to pay for a good bulk of the holiday. The whole family sounds nasty and dysfunctional.

Can you print this off and just leave it sitting on the kitchen worktop? She might just pick it up and read it out of curiosity. If she asks why you have it, just tell her you found it interesting, as you work with someone that was talking about it. If she accuses you of trying to say that’s what’s happening to her, ask her why she thinks that. Even if she’s pissed off, it might help things click in her brain.

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/

Read the title of the thread and thought YABU

Read the rest of it... YANBU

You also sound a bit snobby about the boyfriends family. If Dd is picking up on this then that's not going to be good for your relationship, so be aware of how you speak of the boyfriends family.

Sorry to say this but you do sound a bit controlling. Your daughter is 17 and not 13 or 14. Yes, your daughter 's boyfriend's parents may not be your cup of tea but also you sound like you were rude to them when they brought your daughter home and yes teenagers her age do drink and get tipsy ! I think it's best to let your daughter just get on with her life and go on the holiday.

stand your ground OP, your dd needs to be told that while you are happy to fund her lifestyle while she is in full time education that does not include paying for holidays abroad during term time ( no doubt she has also had to have time off because of covid) dont make him 'forbidden fruit', let her keep seeing him but standing your ground over this will show him and his parents that YOU are her mother and dont take any shit!. as to his family, your dd has soaked up all your values/morals etc, she has that in her favour and will see the light eventually
my dd had a bf at this age that she was soooooo in love with she wanted to leave home to live with him and his family, his mother told me she was soooo happy to have dd as a dil, she was her 'best friend' etc, this ended up bloody terrifying dd ('mil' started talking babies/weddings ) the final straw, again after much snot and tears was when this woman asked dd to sit on the loo and chat while she took a bath and then the bf charged dd petrol money to bring her home - dd came to the conclusion that she had to 'break his heart and dump him' she went out the very next night with a new fella

@Oliversmumsarmy. Yes this is perfect.
As a teen I was allowed to do very little. Which resulted in me leaving home just before I was sixteen and a half. The only good thing to come out of that. relationship was my beautiful daughter. We've had our ups and downs over the years some regarding boyfriends, but she has always known that whatever happens I have got her back. I may not always agree with her choices and will tell her so, but I will support her all I can.
Boyfriends parents were definitely a bit presumptuous with booking the villa but that is their problem.
I would go along with the "that's nice dear bit". I would also suggest that she gets a part time job as you will not be paying for or contributing towards the holiday. (can't get a job at the moment? Oh dear, that's a shame. No you can't loan her the money.)
Does she have a passport? They are not easy to get these days and can take forever to come. (She doesn't know where it is? O dear.) They also cost a fortune.
If boyfriends parents decide to pay for everything your daughter is not at present of a legal age to sign Any credit agreement.

Can't believe people thinking you're unreasonable! The parents sound so irresponsible. Even taking the parents out of the picture, your DD didn't feel comfortable introducing her boyfriend to you. Then she expects you to be alright with her leaving the country with him? Add to that parents who get pissed with 18 year olds... As she's 18, I spose you can't stop her, but I'd definitely calmly voice my concerns and secretly hope for lockdown to prevent this holiday. I was wild from 17 - 22 so perhaps have a negative slant on this.

Enough red flags to make bunting. 17 is not an adult, legally or emotionally. Very few people are actually fully functional adults at 18, ( 21 was a far more realistic age for legal adulthood).
Teenagers vary hugely in common sense and maturity, and parenting your child properly means looking out for them while helping them to learn what to look out for themselves. Clearly you are doing this OP.
Easy to be very free with someone else’s 17 year old online. I think far fewer real life parents of 17 year old girls would be happily saying yes to a foreign holiday with a “boy” they have never met, and drunken “parents” who they know nothing about. Even more so when that boyfriend is a horrible, bullying person .
Imagine being a just turned 18 year old alone in a villa with this lot ! Anything could happen. Nasty boyfriend could, and almost certainly will, become very nasty indeed. Parenting teens doesn’t mean shoving them headlong into an adult world they are not ready for ,or able to navigate yet.
At 19 I went to stay with a boyfriend who was living abroad. It was horrible. He kept trying to pressure me into sex which I had made clear from the start I didn’t feel ready for, and at one point he abandoned me in a scary part of the city as he had a jealous tantrum. I couldn’t speak the language and had no idea how to find my way back to the apartment he was living in. It would have been a lovely trip with a group of friends, and the family he was living with were very nice to me, but I look back and it gives me the same feeling of fear and anxiety. Being in another country and reliant on other people who are not trustworthy makes you very vulnerable indeed.

OP I hope your dd ditches this boyfriend - can you find out more about him ?

@PunishmentSnart

Hang on? They have been on almost every date with them and you're the controlling one? Something doesn't add up here! They sound crazy. I wouldn't be paying for a holiday for my child to go away with them.

No, they've been out with them twice. OP is dramatising this a little.

Letting your 17 year old go away with 3 people you've never met? Abroad? ( Missing school and right now when travel is very dubious ) ?

After her knowing them a few months?

( or you have met the mother , once, and it was " she's drunk ok" ) ?

Without a phone call, courtesy introduction or even hello?

Are posters joking???????

You know this is not a good idea OP. Go with your instinct.
^
^
I don't like that the parents are out with them getting drunk, that BF seem quite controlling, that they are pressuring DD about holiday but those are more a side issue.

I think you just have to stand back on this relationship but this holiday. NO WAY.
^
^

Have come to this quite late and haven’t read all the comments but am throwing in my twopennyworth based on OPs original post.
My parents were very free and easy about letting us stay overnight/go on holiday with boyfriends, and having them stay with us, but if what she’s told us about the boyfriend, his behaviour and his parents is true then I don’t think any one of us would have wanted to travel abroad with a boy we hadn’t known for very long who made us unhappy some of the time, and his family who were so very different to ours.
In the nicest possible way OPs daughter needs to give her head a wobble and as her mum she is the one who will have to help her do it without sounding like a snob or an over protective mother.
Putting the different family dynamics aside for a minute surely the money issue and Covid are her best arguments for not wanting her to go, followed by her own misgivings about the boy and his family.
If she’s had a good relationship with her daughter up to now I can’t see any harm in her spelling out to her in a non judgemental way just why she is not keen for her to go even if she were paying for the trip herself, and after that letting the matter drop for a few days to see what happens. Personally I wouldn’t be going out if my way to meet with his parents as I can’t see what good it would do.
Also I hope OP has made sure her daughter is clued up contraceptively otherwise she might up end up with a grandchild as well as a daughter. I might be doing the boys family a disservice here but from what I’ve read I don’t think they will be doing anything to prevent them spending time in bed together.

Have the people accusing the OP of being controlling actually read all of her posts? Because judging from the responses I highly doubt it. This is a family who:

The boyfriend puts the daughter down, ends the relationship when he finds out something he doesn’t know about, tells her what to wear.

Has never turned up at the house when OP has asked to meet him.

Has met two of the daughter’s friends who she has then fallen out with because they didn’t like him.

The parents have been on all of their dates, and after two weeks have booked a holiday and demanded an answer as to whether she will be going with them.

Turned up drunk at the OP’s house when dropping off the DD.

The fact that there are seemingly parents on here who would turn a blind eye to that and think they should just allow their seventeen year old to do what she wanted with no comment is worrying.

Yes, some have said that the OP needs to take a slightly different approach here, but there are some who have blatantly said that she is the one who is being unreasonable here.

As much as there are adults out there now who say their parents were too controlling, there are also adults out there who will tell you that they felt that their parents didn’t give a shit because they never had anything to say about the people they were involved with, and the things they got up to. And many teenagers will go further and further to try to provoke a response from parents who have no boundaries in that area.

It’s not only strict parents who can do damage to their relationships with their children.

I ave seen the updates about you being expected to pay. Problem solved, don’t pay.

I think pp are getting a bit ridiculous; words like predators, riff raff, dangerous, terrified etc
Based on the parents going out for a meal twice and being drunk and inviting her on holiday???
The holiday shouldn’t be the issue, the manipulative abusive prick of a bf should be!
OP do you know his full name? does he work? etc Suggest to DD he comes for
tea, it’s the least he can do if she’s been out with his parents.

Have you done some social media searching to see if you can gain some insight into them?