To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

1. Have you met the boyfriend?
2. Who will pay for the holiday?
3. Do her friends know him?

I'm with you OP. He's treating her really badly
Of course you don't want her to go

Again - what exactly do you mean by “predatory”. You’ve been asked numerous times.

Isn't it obvious? They are proposing to take her daughter off somewhere alone and have been unusually intense up until now. She has recognised that on paper their behaviour is in line with how someone predatory would typically act and is concerned they may pose a danger to her daughter.

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

They sounds creepy as fuck. Who goes on their sons dates with them? From her reactions and his put downs and "banter" It sounds like she has found herself in a abusive relationship. Love bombing Planning the future too soon Controling what she wears Causing strife between you both trying to isolate her Keeping her relationship with him seperate from friends The parents are helping him to do this, no way I'd send my Dd off with them. All that way and a big argument and they would all three be against her. She's young and naive getting sucked into this shit show. She needs to learn the red flag signs of abusive relationships. No one is immune from these things, all we can do is be wary.

This!

And the villa gives me the creeps because their will be no one else around. I would have thought that obvious!

But what do you think they will do there- kill and eat her?

I definitely wouldn’t be funding this holiday! I’d tell her she can do what she wants/go if she wants but she has to arrange it/come up with the money.

Would she be able to pay herself?

If she’s an adult then she can pay for things herself.

They sound really weird though - you are right! But be careful
You don’t push her closer to them.

Just be there for her like you have been so far and so she knows she can always come back to you for advice/somewhere safe to get away from them

allowing underage drinking.

At 17? Who cares? One of my friend's had a police officer as a father and he let us have a house party with alcohol for his daughter's 15th! I can't believe people this uptight exist.

@aSofaNearYou
Exactly.
Words are failing me at the moment, so thankyou

It amazes me that the same people who say that a seventeen year old is an adult and her parents shouldn’t be interfering would tell a 23 year old that she was too young to have a baby or get into a serious relationship, or would excuse the drunken behaviour of a 25 year old man because “men don’t really grow up until they’re in their 30’s.”

I suspect that none of the “she’s an adult and you’re controlling,” posters actually have teenagers, and that they actually remember back to when they were Teenagers and thought they should be able to do what they want.

My gut feeling (and which I posted) from the beginning of this thread is that this boy isn’t eighteen at all and is much older. And that one of the reasons the DD doesn’t want to introduce him is because she knows her parents will have reservations about her going out with a much older man. The “parents” may in fact just be mates, and the holiday pressure could be because this group wants to go away and think she should come with them...

On reading th thread title I thought YABU but then on reading your actual post there are so many red flags, if they are going to be drinking the whole time I would not be at all confident that my daughter would be in safe hands. Yes, legally she can so what she wants, but 17 is still very young and naive, and teenagers are definitely prone to seeing what they want to see rather than what's happening.
They do sound predatory, and bizarre, and completely untrustworthy. They have also put you and your DD on the spot in a very manipulative way and you are not obliged to pay for a holiday that you feel extremely uncomfortable and unhappy about.

Fuck them honestly. Manipulative, nasty weirdoes.

posters actually have teenagers, and that they actually remember back to when they were Teenagers and thought they should be able to do what they want.

You're right, I don't have a teen. I'm going by what my parents allowed me to do, which I think was reasonable.

I wouldn't tell a 23 year old she was too young to have a baby either, seems like a fine age.

@Nanny0gg

1. We have not met the boyfriend. He never turns up.
2. DD is in full time education, we would pay the holiday.
3. She has fallen out with 2 friends that met him because they disliked him and hasnt introduced him to anyone else.

3 out of 10+ red flags there.

Yep and you're making him look irresistible. You're playing this all wrong OP. She has to learn her own mistakes and know that you'll be there to pick up the pieces when it ends. If you stand your ground, she will stand here and feel less able to leave something in case of I told you so's.

Still it seems you need to learn these lessons as well. Hopefully without a grandchild in tow.

@msflibble

I agree with you OP. My gut feel is that there is definitely something not right about the balance here.

• It's odd the parents are basically joining teenagers who are out on a date. Are they buying her the food and drink?
• The relationship is fairly new, travel is uncertain but yet they seem very determined to get her abroad with them. Even booking it before she's made a decision (making it harder to say no).

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all.

The best case scenario is that it will be a boozy holiday and hopefully your daughter is ok at looking after herself as the parents don't seem like they're particularly responsible.

The worst case scenario (and actually what first came to my mind because I'm generally quite suspicious of things that don't seem quite right) is that they want her alone and abroad for some ulterior motive. Possibly a drugs mule (or worse is also a possibility).

It's all too soon and too intense and the pushing for her to go on holiday with them is not normal. Comments like we've already booked it, we've paid for all those drinks and dinners so you owe us could start and that is classic grooming.

I hope I'm wrong but you are right to be wary.

Try to reason with your daughter...the more you say no, the more it will push them together...she will be classed as an adult on her next birthday and can pretty much do as she pleases...I don't envy your position...she needs to make mistakes to learn herself in life yet stay safe at the same time most importantly.....good luck

OP, why are you just treating this like am echo chamber and ignoring the very many posters that either have disagreed with you or asked you questions?

Do you shut down discussion and are so immovable with your daughter too?

Have you ever even invited this guy over for dinner? Not a grilling it a coincidental meeting, but a genuine invitation?

My DDS were holidaying with BFs family from the age of 16 onwards as was my sister (with her own then BF obv) way back in the 1970s. We also had Young BFs join us at our holiday home regularly. However in all those situations the parents had met and were confident that the D.C. would be in an environment they were comfortable with. The fact that your DD seems determined to keep you away from these people would be a warning bell to me.

Why would you pay?

irrespective of anything else if she wants to go on adult holiday with her BF then she needs to pay as an adult....

you can say its her choice to go although you have reservations but you are not paying.

If she cant pay she needs to tell them she cant afford it.....she is becoming an adult and needs to start being able to manage this herself...

I do agree they sound horrendous but she needs to learn and actually do this herself.... just be there for her when it all goes horribly wrong..

I'd be wondering exactly what your daughter has been telling her boyfriend, who's then relayed it to his parents about you.

Hi OP

I really do understand your concerns and you are right to be a bit wary of the whole thing. He does raise a whole line of red flags, and no, I wouldn’t be comfortable with her going on holiday with them. Something feels “off”

But, at the same time, you are not playing this very well, you are coming across as controlling and as though you are treating her like a child (fuss about drinking at 17, and having to ask permission to go to his house)

Id lay down your concerns to her (like you would to an adult, and without hysteria) and also say that you’re not paying so she’ll have to get the money elsewhere. I don’t imagine in December anyone will be going on any holidays!

Just a word of warning, my mum made a massive fuss of me staying overnight at my boyfriends at 17, and was critical of everything I did. So, I moved out to get away from her and into the flat of the boyfriend. It was not a healthy relationship and not the best move, but I couldn’t live with my mum trying to control my life

@msflibble I was the same as you. The thread title did make it sound as if the OP was being overbearing. But when she explained her reservations, they really did make sense.

For me, the main issue is that the her DD hardly knows them, so going on a holiday with them in a remote villa isn't a good idea. Even if they're completely on the level, it's not a good idea. If she falls out with her bf (which is happening a lot as it is), she'll be stuck there. In a hotel on a package holiday they wouldn't have to be joined at the hip the whole time.

Ha g on - so he wasn’t in the taxi when the drunk parents dropped your daughter home?
If that’s the case I agree with PP - this boyfriend is not their son and is far older than your daughter has told you. Any chance you could speak to the two friends who met him and didn’t like him?

Not on your nelly would I be either paying for or letting her go with these awful-sounding people. Unfortunately it is probably only in the very distant future that your daughter will realise why you aren't happy about him/them.

I think I'd have to have a sit down with your daughter, telling her as she's an adult we need an adult discussion.

Points to raise
If he's a serious bf you'd like to meet him, you've met and been out for meals and drinks with his parents.
You trust her friends opinions, what do they think of him.
It seems an odd situation to you to take go out on your child's dates. Taking them drinking when it's not legal yet.
The reasons why you're not happy for her to go abroad with this family, they get an underaged person drunk, they drink to excess, you'll be a plane ride away if they have another argument,

Etc

Don't diss the bf, just be factual.
Oh and don't be funding a holiday or give her money for her birthday.

Get your daughter to read SLAVE GIRL. You can get it on amazon. Not exactly same situation, but I’d be VERRY wary of this.....something doesn’t sound right or sit right with this....