Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

We have a very similar set up OP but luckily are able to close the doors because the handles are too far up for DD to reach. DP has a lot of equipment on the dining room table too, but that's there whether he is using it or not. Would that not be a problem? DD is a climber and tbh regardless of whether DP is working in the dining room, I tend to keep her out of there, because I don't want her to be climbing on the table and falling off or damaging DPs equipment that is there permanently. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a room the kids aren't allowed to go in - that's where we keep all of our electronics/breakables, while everywhere else in the house has to be baby proof.

I can’t believe people are putting DH’s right to not work at a desk in their bedroom (where he can take his equipment) over OP’s right to be able to take care of her children without worrying about how to keep children quiet for DH

Lots of Stepford Wives or men on this thread.

Right, so because we don't immediately agree that all women are perfect and all men are dickheads we are men or Stepford Wives?! I just despair of some posters sometimes.
OP has said that her husband can't work upstairs because he needs two screens and good connection, which suggests that this would not be suitable for upstairs. Presumably the family relies on the husband's wage and in order to keep that wage coming in he needs to be able to work for it. Allowing a toddler to pull at cables, climb over tables, spill food and drink near electronic equipment, bash keys on a laptop and basically just create merry hell when someone is trying to work is utterly ridiculous. I'm sure the toddler will kick up a stink and not like being told no at first but what's the alternative? Just let him do whatever the hell he likes and never learn that when Daddy's working at home we need to stay in this room/go out for a walk/play in the garden, whatever. Just resigning to the fact that the toddler prefers to climb all over an at-home workspace and interfere with expensive equipment/interrupt work calls because he doesn't like being told no is going to get you nowhere. Inviting a load of people round to play, knowing the husband is working from home is one step further in the unreasonable stakes.
If the husband was demanding to have peace whilst gaming or playing online or whatever then of course he would be completely unreasonable. But he is trying to work and everybody needs to compromise to make that bearable for everyone.

Regarding the connection being worse upstairs, I have this issue and my husband got me some kind of magic box that makes the WiFi extend all the way out into the garage. It was abut £30 and has transformed our lives as we also have a 2 year old and it wouldn't work. 100% silent total control of a toddler is not a thing.

100% silent total control of a toddler is not a thing.
Which is probably why nobody bothered to suggest it 🤣

Seriously will you stop all the provider shit. Even if she were a SAHM (which OP isn’t) she deserves to be able to breathe in her own house. He refuses to find a more suitable solution because he is MAN (bears chest) and makes the decisions.
& seriously is she not even allowed to go to the toilet?

Well, the fact is money does need to come from somewhere.

The OP is working part time-she doesn't say if that is at home or not-but she is working part time. Will her salary pay all the bills? If not, then it is common sense to ensure that both salaries keep coming in.

Sadly, that is the bottom line and silly remarks like yours, @sadie9 consisting of hot air and cool shite don't help in situations like this.

My question is why hasn't your husband realised on his own that he needs to be working out of reach of your toddler? Is he not capable of saying 'My child is not someone I can have at work with me, so I need to work at the office/in the shed/on the roof/anywhere my toddler isn't'. And if he thinks that the toddler shouldn't be in the room, why isn't he shutting the door/fitting a lock/discussing the boundaries'?

It seems he's not responsible for creating a suitable workspace for himself, and feels this should be done for him. Unless you've already discussed and agreed boundaries, and you persistently allow your child to break them?

Just resigning to the fact that the toddler prefers to climb all over an at-home workspace and interfere with expensive equipment/interrupt work calls because he doesn't like being told no is going to get you nowhere. Inviting a load of people round to play, knowing the husband is working from home is one step further in the unreasonable stakes.

Agree. I'm neither a man nor a Stepford Wife.

& of course a 22 month old can open doors!

He needs to use the workspace upstairs if it is an appropriate workspace. What does it not have that the dinning room does?

I would work that out and how to make the upstairs workspace more appealing even if it means moving furniture around upstairs, getting a bigger desk, move furniture into ds's room to make more space, move workspace nearer window to give more light, get big storage boxes to put work stuff away into at end of day etc.

Or it dinning room is needed, can he use the living room instead with a workstation in there and you get the dinning room, kitchen, garden, upstairs?

WFH is going to last a while yet so it is worth getting a decent setup which suits everyone.

You shouldn't be inviting lots of children during working hours, that is just thoughtless. Go out to the park instead.

I'm just agog that you are encouraging playdates in the middle of a fucking pandemic. What on earth is wrong with you?

But he's positioned himself in the main room of the house which you have to access to get to the toilet/the garden/the kitchen!!!! I have asked him to move upstairs, right to the top room (our bedroom) which has a little workstation area there, BUT HE REFUSES!!!!!!!

YANBU

Lots of Stepford Wives or men on this thread
Which are you? Pretending you know the layout of OP's house, deliberately ignoring the facts OP gave about the house and about her working pattern, then using that pretend ignorance to attack posters, derail yet another thread and accuse anyone of giving a sensible answer of being SW or men? If the choice is SW or men then you seem to be coming down on one side more than the other.
I won't be responding to your inevitable further derails.

We have a toddler and my DH and I both WFH. We keep them away from the working person when it’s our turn looking after them. If they hear the working person’s voice on a call then they want to go in sometimes but they’re not allowed. few people find suddenly WFH easy but its work from home if it’s possible as a default and it’s not a question of whether it’s ideal etc. We would both really like to be back in office as it would make doing work a lot easier but following the advice.

For him - I would certainly explore bedroom as a workspace and why it’s unsuitable - get a large fold down wooden desk and an extension cable so can have all the monitors and then put it under the bed or In wardrobe when finished etc.

On my days looking after I like to get out for walks, beach, adventure parks etc. Take packed lunch. My husband does the same as courtesy to me - the working person gets a quiet house for a chunk of the day. It’s absolutely unreasonable to invite people over while your husband’s working and vice versa. That’s fairly obviously inconsiderate and only going to make the stress you both feel around WFH much worse.

@Northernsoullover

I'm just agog that you are encouraging playdates in the middle of a fucking pandemic. What on earth is wrong with you?

Yes, that does suggest that the OP doesn't give that much thought to her husband's situation.

It is selfish and dismissive to do that in a small house where someone is trying to work, quite apart from the fact that it isn't encouraged at all.

I would still like to know if her work takes place outside the home or if she is happy to put up with her toddler running riot while she works.

YANBU. I'd have done the same. Also my DS who is 2 1/2 is exactly the same as your little one. I call him energetic but what I really mean is he's basically Donny from The Wild Thornburys.

@DeborahAlisonphillipa

“It’s absolutely unreasonable to invite people over while your husband’s working and vice versa. “

I agree with this.

Sorry OP but I also think YABU.
He’s explained why he can’t use the upstairs space to work.
It’s 2 days a week. You are there with your child. He shouldn’t be so disruptive to the person working. Switch places with your DH, if he was letting your child crawl all over cables and bang on the laptop, spill drinks etc when you were trying to work, wouldn’t you be pissed with him?
While the weather is good can’t you spend a chunk of time out of the house at the park etc?
Also with nap time (assuming your DC still does) there shouldn’t be so much disruption to the person working.
I also wouldn’t be inviting friends round when my partner was trying to work. It’s noisy enough with the tv etc on.

How have you managed so far?

I would have thought he'd have looked for a solution before now!

Surely he needs to be in a room that he can shut/lock himself into & if that's upstairs but the internet isn't good enough-aren't there ways around that?

My husband has to be upstairs as down here we are open plan.

Fortunately we have a Lshaped bedroom so he has a dedicated area.

But we can't magic up a separate office out of thin air!

Your DS sounds very badly behaved, you need to gain control!

Get a wifi extender or run a high speed Data cable along your skirting board upstairs so he has a good connection.

@Ohtherewearethen

OP has said that her husband can't work upstairs because he needs two screens and good connection, which suggests that this would not be suitable for upstair

Except she hasn’t said this at all. I despair of some posters sometimes.

Have to say I have limited sympathy for anyone with small DC at home kicking up a fuss at the noise and interruptions when they have the option of working upstairs in peace.

OP, how did you balance working and caring for your son when childcare was unavailable? After a long stretch of trying to do both simultaneously (including classes and meetings, and yes it was an unprofessional shitshow...) I would have been happy to work in the toilet if I could have done so uninterrupted. And I wouldn't be throwing my weight around trying to cut down my DC's already small world even further by insisting that they not make any noise in their own home.

@MeridaTheBold

Lots of Stepford Wives or men on this thread Which are you? Pretending you know the layout of OP's house, deliberately ignoring the facts OP gave about the house and about her working pattern, then using that pretend ignorance to attack posters, derail yet another thread and accuse anyone of giving a sensible answer of being SW or men? If the choice is SW or men then you seem to be coming down on one side more than the other. I won't be responding to your inevitable further derails.

This is your standard schtick. Make up a load of crap and then end it with ‘I won’t be responding to you’. Here’s a tip - refrain from addressing posts or asking me questions to me then then you won’t have to respond.

YANBU and these responses have been ridiculous. You live in a two storey house. There is no reason why your DH can’t go upstairs to work and leave the downstairs for you and your child. Otherwise it will never work with a toddler. All this control your child nonsense. He’s not even bloody 2!! They are loud. They will roam. And if your DH is blocking access in the communal area. Is the child supposed to be shut away into one room for over 8 hours a day. What a load of shit. I WFH. I take my laptop into the bedroom. Shut the door. DS cannot come upstairs as there’s a stair gate. Nor does he want to as he has access to the downstairs and garden area. This is really OTT. How awful and unfair would it be for me to take over the communal area and make everyone else leave.

All these unrealistic expectations people have on a barely toddler is unhelpful and unreasonable. Idk what kind of dystopian world people live in where they have toddlers that are quite, always well behaved and only make noise when spoken to exists! Yes boundaries need to be set with kids but with toddlers it’s a constant process at this age. It’s not like you say “no” once and they never misbehave again. Crazy.

When DH comes home. Sit down together and have a frank discussion on what you both can compromise on. Apologise for kicking him out- he is probably stressed as well. But help him understand that you need to share the space in a way that works for the entire family. Not just for him. For example he will work upstairs. You entertain DS downstairs and visitors only allowed after work/on days off. Done.