Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Threw DH out of the house this morning

326 replies

BouncyBaby2 · 21/09/2020 12:53

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

OP posts:
Minimumstandard · 21/09/2020 14:23

Of course a toddler is going to make noise Hmm! I mean, do those people looking after small children at home not talk to them, sing to them, read to them, rough house with them and (when fed up) stick Cbeebies on. Do your children not shout "Want snack!" or "Mummy, done a poo!" Or tantrum, fall over and hurt themselves or push things over. Toddlers are noisy little creatures and you may as well ask someone to walk on water as to keep them quiet and content for 8 hours so they can't be heard in the next room. Yes, try to stay out of the house when you can but with winter on its way and most indoor activities severely limited, there's only so much you can do. Unless you tie duct tape round your DC's mouth.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 21/09/2020 14:24

@Josvie

Can you not create a working space in a bedroom for a while? Stressful for both of you, kitchen feels like the wrong place to be working from as central to your needs throughout the day. Even a makeshift desk/dressing table + chair tucked away in a bedroom would help you both out.
OP said he has a work space in the bedroom, he just refuses to use it
Havaiana · 21/09/2020 14:25

@Thisismytimetoshine

Confused. Is your house a carbon copy of op's?!
No but when OP says she has asked DH to move upstairs but he refuses, I’m giving her the benefit that she is asking him to move upstairs because she knows it’s possible.

I mentioned my monitors because people on this thread have said if he has 2 monitors then they can see why upstairs isn’t feasible. Well it is in my terrace house!

BikeTyson · 21/09/2020 14:25

He is being unreasonable for not working upstairs.

YABU for inviting other children round.

WFH is shit and it’s tough on relationships.

unmarkedbythat · 21/09/2020 14:27

@Havaiana

Yes I saw that but I also have two monitors upstairs, it’s totally possible.

Um, do you live in the OP's house? What on earth has you having two monitors upstairs in your house got to do with what's possible in the OP's house? I have three gaming systems set up upstairs in my house, wouldn't be possible do that in my mum's house but if she ever says so I will assure that because I can, so must everyone else be able to Confused!

anuffername · 21/09/2020 14:27

How does a 22 month old reach up and turn door handles?

What a ridiculous comment.
By reaching up and turning them of course.

My DGC is 17 months - they are up and walking and can open most of our doors. A neighbour's child is 15 months. They aren't walking yet but can easily pull themseles up to reach the door handles in their house.

Not sure why you find this so baffling?

VintageStitchers · 21/09/2020 14:27

YANBU.

If he can go into the office at work, what’s his reasons for working from home and causing you so much inconvenience?

Does he feel that because he’s earning money, his needs trump yours?

Must admit, I wouldn’t accept that and I’d be expecting him to find a solution because his move to home is the issue that’s causing the problem in the first place.

Can he buy a shed and work in the garden?

cheeseismydownfall · 21/09/2020 14:28

Your DH is being ridiculous. My DH started working in our bedroom (the most remote room in our house) on Day 1 of lockdown because it is obvious to anyone that WFH in a house with children requires being as far away from the communal areas of the house as possible. And our children are older and so much easier to manage. He is being a dick.

SoUtterlyGroundDown · 21/09/2020 14:29

How does a 22 month old reach up and turn door handles?

What a weird thing to say. They put their arm up and turn the handle.
Mine is 19 months and can open the doors perfectly well.

ThePlantsitter · 21/09/2020 14:29

Why is nobody reading that she isn't a SAHM?

Anyway even if she were, she's not a fucking lowly servant who has to ensure The Job is kept sacrosanct. Looking after toddlers is work. Trying to do that and ensure somebody working in what is effectively a corridor is left undisturbed -when there is an alternative - sounds soul destroying. I know. SAHPs are considered the worst kind of parasites on here but shock horror they are human beings working hard like everyone else.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/09/2020 14:30

Both being U.
If you are a SAHM it’s your job to occupy the children whilst DH is working.

When he gets back, you need to have a frank discussion and help move his stuff upstairs to the office.
Is there a specific reason he doesn’t want to use that room?

Havaiana · 21/09/2020 14:30

[quote unmarkedbythat]@Havaiana

Yes I saw that but I also have two monitors upstairs, it’s totally possible.

Um, do you live in the OP's house? What on earth has you having two monitors upstairs in your house got to do with what's possible in the OP's house? I have three gaming systems set up upstairs in my house, wouldn't be possible do that in my mum's house but if she ever says so I will assure that because I can, so must everyone else be able to Confused![/quote]
Well done for the selective quoting. I EXPLAINED why I mentioned my two monitors. Are you just going to ignore that bit because it doesn’t suit you?

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2020 14:31

YANBU X 1000. I was having job interviews months ago when school went back here. There was an instantaneous shift in backgrounds as all the men interviewing me emerged from desks in small bedrooms to living /dining spaces and light.because the family didn’t revolve around them, and yours has an office to go to.
Dh and I are working facing each other across a desk , barely room to move my chair. Days the children are home with nanny, we stay in there or the unergonomic armchair and mini antique lady’s writing desk in our bedroom. Days the children aren’t here we can emerge to light and space in the dining room, because reasonable parents.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/09/2020 14:32

Ok I see you aren’t a full time SAHM but on your days off when DH is working, it is your job to occupy the children or put them in nursery.

Chestergirl39 · 21/09/2020 14:32

I really feel for you OP, I can’t imagine what’s it’s like through all this with a toddler.

It was hard enough with our DC who is a few years older through lockdown - with DH basically treating the whole house as an office with team calls all through the day and feeling like your household was being broadcast to the whole of his team!

I feel your pain!!!

jeremypaxo · 21/09/2020 14:32

Actually @unmarkedbythat if you read OP's posts she says he has a workstation upstairs specifically designed for him to work at. He just prefers to work downstairs.

If he doesn't think he should be leaving the house to go to an external venue then that logic also applies to OP and their child. So he should be making an effort to coexist with them peacefully.

I would have absolutely no patience with someone who insisted on working in a communal family space when a perfectly good alternative is available then getting annoyed that his family are there too.

TantieTowie · 21/09/2020 14:33

He needs his own space to work, whether that's inside the house or in an office. You need to be able to forget he is there. I say that as part of a couple who have both worked from home since before DC were born. Ideally a study you can shut the door on – or a garden office of some kind. Any other way is just too annoying for everyone.

When DC1 was small we shared renting a desk in a co-working office so that we could get the space we needed for work, with the added benefit of knowing that when we left the office, we'd finished work for the day. But your DH has a free office he can go to - no brainer as long as not huge Covid risk to get there.

Havaiana · 21/09/2020 14:34

Days the children are home with nanny, we stay in there or the unergonomic armchair and mini antique lady’s writing desk in our bedroom. Days the children aren’t here we can emerge to light and space in the dining room, because reasonable parents.

This is the way it should be, working in a designated space and letting the nanny take care of children in the living space.

You are treating your nanny better than OP’s DH is treating his own wife.

Devlesko · 21/09/2020 14:35

Do you not have gates and doors.
Try a play pen, we swore by ours.
Great if you are just popping to the loo.
We have always wfh and no way would I let a toddler become so unsafe, climbing on tables, pulling leads, why don't you stop him.
My sympathy is with your dh, control your child. Shock

Havaiana · 21/09/2020 14:37

@Devlesko so a little child can’t go back and forth into the garden because DH needs silence. Nice.

Sparkletastic · 21/09/2020 14:37

YANBU. He's got a choice of either WAH from bedroom or going back to office. Dining room not sustainable. And what's with all the surrendered wives on this thread?

stickygotstuck · 21/09/2020 14:37

I would have absolutely no patience with someone who insisted on working in a communal family space when a perfectly good alternative is available then getting annoyed that his family are there too

This.

OP's DH is being a selfsih arse. He has options, he has chosen not to take them. Presumaby because he is VERY IMPORTANT. As opposed to the rest of the family, who, according to some PP, should just put up and shut up. Honestly, you couldn't make it up!

Sexnotgender · 21/09/2020 14:40

@Leafbeans

If has double monitors then it probably isn't feasible to sit upstairs, I can see why it's annoying but really at the moment it's probably not ideal for him either. Do you go out of the house to work or do you work from home? If I was trying to work and DH was home and just letting DC run around all of my work stuff I'd be annoyed to be honest. Surely its just 2 days a week if you're out for 3?
Why? I’m working on a dual screen upstairs right now.

Do secondary monitors suddenly stop working upstairs in your house?

sadie9 · 21/09/2020 14:41

If OP is a SAHM, then she needs to understand that money needs to come from somewhere.
What a charming response.
Yes - why are we SAHMs worrying our pretty little heads about money. We should stick to what we know like wiping your children's arses and getting your fucking dinner.
Let's all hunker down in one room for 8 hours because your Father needs the dining room and kitchen and women and children must do what he says. Without questioning his decisions.

PickAChew · 21/09/2020 14:42

DH has 2 monitors in an alcove just over a metre wide. It might mean moving out a chest of drawers if that's not possible in the bedroom as it is but it just requires a bit of flexibility.

Swipe left for the next trending thread