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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to reject men?

111 replies

lhmua12 · 21/09/2020 04:51

Long story short, I don’t currently have a useable car so have started to take public transport (namely trains)

Men at stations frequently approach me. I find it tedious as I’m not interested. It’s not flattering; I’d rather be left alone. I’m nothing special - these men probably target me as I travel alone to/from work. I’m not interested in men that I don’t know from Adam; particularly as these men tend to be significantly older than me, or unattractive to the extent that I would otherwise avoid them (ie lack of hygiene/sloppily dressed/guzzling alcohol at 8am.) Some are creepy and stare or follow me and shout insults after I ignore them or decline a date/exchange of details

What’s the safest way to reject men? I’m worried about them turning nasty. I tend to just say I have a boyfriend, but a man yesterday was really persistent regardless. I’m considering just getting taxis to work even though it will rinse me dry

OP posts:

TikTakTikTak · 21/09/2020 05:04

I'm sorry, it does seem like there's no safe way to turn them down.

Chocomel · 21/09/2020 05:24

I'm cringing at writing this... it goes against so many things I believe in, but I find those kinds of men (like you describe) would take offense at any rejection, no matter how polite or direct. SO.... I found myself wearing a 'wedding' ring (really just turning a different ring around) and replying 'thanks but I'm married' (flash ring). Crazy that these men won't respect me, but would respect some mystery 'husband'.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 21/09/2020 05:24

Resting bitch face. Ignore them as though you cannot hear or see them stood there. Loudly ask them to move away from you because they're making you feel unsafe or loudly tell them you are not interested.

Plesky · 21/09/2020 05:32

I think you’re overthinking this as ‘rejecting men’. Behave the way you would with any beggar approaching you for money on the street.

InfiniteSheldon · 21/09/2020 05:33

I bought an engagement style ring in Claire's Accessories. You don't even need to speak most of the time just smile and hold your hand up.

IsabellaMozzarella · 21/09/2020 05:36

Yeah the ring suggestion is good. I've used that tactic when traveling.

thelegohooverer · 21/09/2020 05:39

You’re not overthinking it. These men escalate rapidly. No decent man approaches a woman in these circumstances.

Wear a ring. This kind of thing dropped off when I got married. If I had known, I’d have married myself years ago.

Before that I said I had a boyfriend. It’s the safest way of rejecting a men’s flimsy over sized egos.

There is nothing to say a sensible feminist, independently earning, brown belt kick-boxer can’t use the patriarchy to her own advantage.

Curiosity101 · 21/09/2020 06:31

If it happens regularly enough at certain stations then I'd contact the station. They might have some guidance or be able to get someone from their security team to keep an eye out.

I agree with PPs though, I wouldn't think of it as rejecting me as much as how do you tend to deal with beggars?

When I read this
lack of hygiene/sloppily dressed/guzzling alcohol at 8am
It made me think that these were possibly homeless men who are living in/begging at the station and nearby area?

KatherineJaneway · 21/09/2020 06:35

Pretend to be on the phone. Avoid eye contact completely. As pp suggested, wear a ring.

Ifailed · 21/09/2020 06:38

Sounds awful, are there no railway staff around who you can approach - where abouts are you travelling from?

IamTomHanks · 21/09/2020 06:38

Definitely get a ring. I wore one in my 20's and it usually managed to ward off guys like this.

Plesky · 21/09/2020 06:40

@Curiosity101

If it happens regularly enough at certain stations then I'd contact the station. They might have some guidance or be able to get someone from their security team to keep an eye out.

I agree with PPs though, I wouldn't think of it as rejecting me as much as how do you tend to deal with beggars?

When I read this
lack of hygiene/sloppily dressed/guzzling alcohol at 8am
It made me think that these were possibly homeless men who are living in/begging at the station and nearby area?

Exactly. And a homeless person with a drink problem isn’t going to think a wedding ring is a natural backing-off reason the way some minor-league sleaze in a bar might.

yescheese · 21/09/2020 06:44

I start with a polite but firm 'thank you but no'.

It galls me as an independent, feminist woman to have to pretend to be 'taken' by another man to avoid conflict in these situations but unfortunately that's what I usually then do if they continue or seem drunk/ pushy. To be honest, if it's a seemingly nice guy taking the plunge I also say this to save his feelings.

You could also try headphones although these often get ignored.

If it keeps happening at the same station/s, you could report this to staff and/ or the train company and hopefully they will act to put in more staff or better lighting/ cameras. It's not great service if passengers are being bothered regularly.

Newnamenewopenme · 21/09/2020 07:05

I hate men that are like this! It’s worse when they then claim they only wanted to be your friend as if trying to make out they were never interested and don’t know why you knocked them back.

CatSmith · 21/09/2020 07:08

I agree with pp, invent a boyfriend. “Sorry, I have a boyfriend....” should do the trick.

Angelina82 · 21/09/2020 08:00

Tell them you’re a lesbian?

JorisBonson · 21/09/2020 08:10

@Curiosity101

If it happens regularly enough at certain stations then I'd contact the station. They might have some guidance or be able to get someone from their security team to keep an eye out.

I agree with PPs though, I wouldn't think of it as rejecting me as much as how do you tend to deal with beggars?

When I read this
lack of hygiene/sloppily dressed/guzzling alcohol at 8am
It made me think that these were possibly homeless men who are living in/begging at the station and nearby area?

This

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/09/2020 08:50

Ask them if they’ve heard the good news in The Bible. That should see them off.

TeeBee · 21/09/2020 09:04

God, I hate that. Normally, I look them up and down in disgust and just say 'fuck off'. Often get some verbals back but I just walk away 🤷‍♀️

ThreePipeProblems · 21/09/2020 09:15

Fuck off or a derisive look up and down and turn away. It’s always worked ok for me!

LaurieFairyCake · 21/09/2020 09:16

I say without looking up "I don't talk to strangers"

Stand near the staff if there are any

krustykittens · 21/09/2020 09:25

Resting bitch face, be firm in your rejection no matter how you choose to phrase it and never, ever smile! I also agree with reporting to a station manager, they might get someone to patrol the platform for a while.

SurreyHillsGirl · 21/09/2020 09:29

@StillCoughingandLaughing
Ask them if they’ve heard the good news in The Bible

Bleepbloopblarp · 21/09/2020 09:32

Whip out your phone, pretend to dial and say “hi, can I speak to chief inspector such a body please? Yes, it’s his daughter Imhua12...” pause.. “hi dad, are you in the area? Only I have a creepy man harassing me at the bus stop again....great, see you soon”...

Then watch them scarper!

SurreyHillsGirl · 21/09/2020 09:34

@ThreePipeProblems
Fuck off or a derisive look up and down and turn away

This is v bad advice. Don't do this, it's v likely to end well with the type of misogynistic, overbearing and often aggressive men the OP describes.

I just get my phone out and pretend to be chatting, the only thing that seems to work

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