It's about so much more than the fucking cupcake

[MyHeadOverfloweth]

NC but a regular poster

I went out today, by myself! A rare occurrence with 2 small children but nevertheless I went out and DH stayed at home with the kids

Having done a bit of shopping (all stuff for the kids and an impromptu purchase of an item of clothing for DH) I decided to treat myself to a cupcake from a posh bakery-it's one of those that is enormous and is literally baked diabetes but being a rare thing I thought I'd get one....I had visions of getting home, sitting down with a cuppa after the kids had gone to bed, and tucking in to the delicious cakey goodness
DH does not like cakes, he doesn't like cupcakes, but I text him anyway to check just in case but no, he did not want one.

Reader, I think you probably know what's coming next...

Kids are in bed, and downstairs I come to find a scene of crumby destruction in front of me. Half the cupcake has gone.
When questioned, he said he 'thought it was leftover because I thought you ate yours when you were out'
I said to him 'You don't even like cupcakes'
And do you know what the bastard said?
'That's why I only ate half'

THATS. WHY. I. ONLY. ATE. HALF.

I have now been accused of making a big deal about it, but in eating half that cupcake I almost feel like he has dropped another crumb on what is a growing pile of moudly yeasty smelly grot.

Sort of lighthearted....but also sort of not

AIBU?

Hm, if my husband had a cake that was uneaten for hours and hours I would assume he didn’t want it.

This is the sort of thing that would really annoy me but at the same time I would feel really petty for letting it annoy me.

It’s not just the cupcake - it’s the feeling that your time to relax and practise some self-care is not valued!

In my house, there are snacks that are just there for everyone to have, but then there are also special things, like if someone's had a birthday, or been out and bought something to eat. None of us would ever eat these things - or at least not without trying our luck and asking.

It's so rude. I know how hard it is to get quality time on your own, and how much you'd have been looking forward to sitting down and eating your cake .. so I'm sorry this happened. He does sound selfish.

You asked if he wanted one, he said no, but then ate yours anyway?? What?? :|

@zigaziga well maybe you shouldn't assume that. Just because something isn't gone within 2 seconds doesn't mean it's yours for the taking. Stop being greedy. Secondly, the OP's partner doesn't even LIKE cake. She specifically asked if he wanted one and then she specifically went out and bought it, that specific one, for herself. Why the fuck would she buy it if she didn't want it?!

@zigaziga

Hm, if my husband had a cake that was uneaten for hours and hours I would assume he didn’t want it.

Why would you assume that? Some people like to save a treat and really enjoy it. It's fucking rude to eat something that isn't yours without even asking first.

[quote MummytoCSJH]@zigaziga well maybe you shouldn't assume that. Just because something isn't gone within 2 seconds doesn't mean it's yours for the taking. Stop being greedy. Secondly, the OP's partner doesn't even LIKE cake. She specifically asked if he wanted one and then she specifically went out and bought it, that specific one, for herself. Why the fuck would she buy it if she didn't want it?![/quote]
Jesus Christ, calm down.

I feel at a loss to understand why this has to be such a big deal. Like everything has to be a battle for some people.

If I left some cake out my husband may or may not eat it. If he left cake out I probably would eat it, I like cake more than him. We’d probably laugh about it. If I was so desperate for cake I’d buy more tomorrow.

In fact yesterday we did actually buy some cake when on a walk. Pretty sure my husband ate more of it than I managed to when we were sitting out because I got distracted by the toddler. So he said the bit that was left was mine. Got home, he had some even though it had been earmarked for me... I had some ... he had some more ... I stole the last bite. Why would anyone fight about this or call anyone greedy?

Why would anyone fight about this or call anyone greedy?

I think because it probably goes towards a pattern of behaviour where the OP feels undervalued and uncared for by her DH.

@zigaziga

This is a battle because it wasn't just a random bit of cake, it was a special treat! It was a special treat that I was waiting to enjoy, and by him eating half of it (and then minimising how I felt about his actions) it's basically him saying that his needs and wants come before mine, and that what I feel is not important

That's the point

It wasn't leftover, it was sat there in a little box by itself, something that I had bought for me, having checked that he didn't want one, and yet he's gone ahead and spoiled it

Why would you assume that? Some people like to save a treat and really enjoy it.
It's fucking rude to eat something that isn't yours without even asking first.
Because some people don’t live like this - earmarking what is theirs and what isn’t and keeping score and getting angry about cake.
I wasn’t angry when my husband had more of his share of our cake yesterday. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I ate some of his pudding because he left it even if he’d been intending to eat it later.
If I still fancied cake the next day I would go and buy cake.
But yeah, living a life where everyone is angry and keeps grudges about cake is much healthier. Let’s all do that.

@zigaziga You know what happens when you assume? Using the letters out of the word assume-U make an Ass out of yourself (taught that in school) Why do you think the cupcake was sitting around for hours? Do you attend a wedding reception,see the wedding cake sitting untouched and just assume it's been "sitting for hours" and is up for grabs?

And no it wasn't sitting around for ages particularly-I'd got home about 5.30ish and gone in to the usual evening getting the kids sorted and in to bed mode, so when I came downstairs at 8 it was the first chance I had to think about eating the cake

@zigaziga it sounds like you have a really great dynamic with your DH and that's wonderful. Unfortunately, when things don't go quite well in relationships it can be these small behaviours that mount up into something that feels really unpleasant.

It's a small representation of his thoughtlessness and lack of care OP. I feel for you.

The thread header is literally about this being more than just the cake. It's not just the cake. It's the action behind the cake, there's clearly slightly more going on here than 'bearing grudges about cake' which is pretty belittling actually, @zigaziga

It was a treat, which he was offered his own and declined, and then disdainfully took a bite out of and put back, dismissing OPs comment because he is, IMO, entitled and a bit mean.

Smug entitled shit.

Please take the clothing back.

I agree it's like territory marking. Was he annoyed you went out and have had to look after his children (boo hoo)?

[quote EKGEMS]@zigaziga You know what happens when you assume? Using the letters out of the word assume-U make an Ass out of yourself (taught that in school) Why do you think the cupcake was sitting around for hours? Do you attend a wedding reception,see the wedding cake sitting untouched and just assume it's been "sitting for hours" and is up for grabs? [/quote]
That’s a crazy leap - of course no one in their right mind would take a wedding cake . I can’t imagine taking anything that belonged to someone in another house either, even if it was clearly just leftovers.
But this is about cake in a shared house within a family and I would think that that makes all the difference (doesn’t it?!). Just like I wouldn’t use a friend’s phone because theirs was closer and more convenient but if my husband’s phone was closer to me than mine I’d pick up his (and he would do the same).

But clearly this isn’t about the cake it’s about the OP having other long standing issues in her relationship and not feeling noticed or appreciated.

I’m just so surprised that so many other people would also get annoyed if their spouse touched their cake. Clearly it’s me and I have a weird relationship where no one bothers about who owns what.

It is very 'me the man, my house, my food' behaviour.

Next time, enjoy your lovely treat while you're out and come back with a satisfied smile on your face OP!

@zigaziga and would you just go ahead and eat it then without asking or checking with your husband first? Since it's not yours in the first place? If so you're as big a selfish twat as the OP's husband .

@Highfalutinlootin

Show him this thread, OP.

Really don't.

Why do people ever think this is a good idea? When a man is this much of a shit do you really think he will read several women telling him what a dick he is and see the light?.

zigaziga

It's great that it's so hard for you to understand that this is about more than a cupcake, it means you haven't experienced your partner being selfish, manipulative and dismissive. We know most people don't argue about cake, they'll be the ones in mutually respectful relationships, in other relationships people behave in passive aggressive ways to cause hurt whilst maintaining plausible deniability.

Lucky you.

@zigaziga

Hm, if my husband had a cake that was uneaten for hours and hours I would assume he didn’t want it.

That's just stupid or do you buy a weeks worth of treats and expect them eaten immediately ?

@zigaziga

Hm, if my husband had a cake that was uneaten for hours and hours I would assume he didn’t want it.

That's idiotic.

There's always one person who is deliberately obtuse isn't there.

@MyHeadOverfloweth

I'm actually half tempted to just return the item of clothing I bought for him, and when he asks just say 'oh I thought you didn't want it'

1000% do this.

Ordinary this could be a mistake but since you say he has form for this kind of selfish behaviour this absolutely was not about him thinking the cake was for him or thinking is was spare, he ate it knowing full well it was your treat for yourself and he wanted to spoil your rare treat.

You should definitely return his treat..... and them spend the money on yourself.

LTB isn't enough... Definitely KTB. But you should torture him first. I would suggest tying him up and eating a whole cupcake in front of him, icing and all. But since you've said he doesn't really like cupcakes (why couldn't he f*##£&g leave yours alone then?!), I'd slowly chop up the item of clothing you bought in front of him.

I honestly don't understand how people remain in love, much less married to people like this.

To be relentlessly shown how little you matter.
To see such spite because you had a rare few hours out.

It leaves me speechless.

To know that the person you live with, who should love and care for you most, but just doesn't, and feels the need to be so spiteful.

I so understand how people are so joyful to live on their own and to have gotten away from partners like that.

It's deal breaker stuff.

This shit kills relationships dead.

Protect yourself OP.
He's not a good man.
You deserve better.

Mark his card and protect yourself.