Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why people are still having kids?

688 replies

Tobythecat · 20/09/2020 19:21

I understand that the urge to reproduce is very strong, but the future looks incredibly bleak (I'm not talking about just covid, but also climate change). I fear for the future and what sort of quality of life people will have, considering Automation/competition over jobs, climate change issues (food/water shortages, extreme weather). Honestly, how can you think that everything will be fine and work itself out, or do you just not think about it? Children today will face unimagineable suffering in the next 20-30 years, how can you justify it to them? I wanted children desperately but decided not to because of the above, plus genetic factors.

People mention the war and how people kept having kids, but the threats we face have never been faced before and are multifaceted. Is existing to suffer better than not existing at all?

OP posts:
TikkaBoo · 20/09/2020 21:03

Do you not enjoy life @TikkaBoo?

I don't mistake a fear of death for the idea that my life is particularly great.

I'm glad that other do, in a way. But most people I know who have kids do nothing but complain about their lives.

PablosHoney · 20/09/2020 21:04

Not really what I asked but ok 😀

MilkOfThePuppy · 20/09/2020 21:04

It's always amusing when people talk about how hard times are now. As though times have ever been universally easy or good!

I feel very confident that times are better now than they've been for most of human history, if you're fortunate enough to live in the developed world. It's not perfect, no, but it never has been, never will be!

By all means, don't have children if you feel you shouldn't, but don't be surprised that the rest of the world isn't buying into your particular brand of hysteria.

sharpeidiem · 20/09/2020 21:04

@TikkaBoo

Because I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother.

If you have a daughter, and she feels the same, then who is actually living?
It just seems like you exist to make more, who exist to make more, who exist to make more....

@TikkaBoo Her daughter would get satisfaction from being a mother then, just as she would. They are living to be happy - why else is anybody living?
PablosHoney · 20/09/2020 21:04

Because we’re all too scared of death to top ourselves apparently

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 21:05

@InterstellarDrifter

Well some of these kids are going to be the leaders and decision makers of the future. Why not bring up children to know about the environment, poverty and and the futility of war? Bring up children to be good global citizens and we may have a different future than you’re imagining.
This is my feeling and what tipped it for me. I had IVF. It was a very conscious decision and I did think about it very hard. PP comments about how people are not intelligent or unthinking etc themselves are very narrow minded. Just because someone doesn't think the same way as you doesn't mean they are stupid. My husband and I are both intelligent and doing very well for ourselves.

I do agree that having children is selfish though and that is irrespective of when people choose to have them be it during end of days or in utopia. I struggle to see how anyone has a child as a purely selfless act - even those who have them for other people get something from it even if it is just to see someone else happy.

Bleepbloopblarp · 20/09/2020 21:05

Because myself and my dh are both really fucking good looking and super intelligent and it would’ve been a travesty to not carry on our genes. We had six if that gets up your nose any more OP.

sharpeidiem · 20/09/2020 21:06

@PablosHoney

Because we’re all too scared of death to top ourselves apparently
Oh yes indeed! I've never experienced joy, or happiness or any kind of beauty. And because I want to be a mother, it turns my existence into a soulless vessel - silly me! x
TempsPerdu · 20/09/2020 21:06

I sort of half agree OP, although I think you are catastrophising slightly about the future (and I say that as someone who has a strong pessimistic/melancholic streak!)

I have one child and we’re not planning any more. The undoubted challenges of the future are a big part of why DD will remain an only; we’re lucky enough to be fairly comfortably off but feel that our resources would be overstretched across multiple children, and we want to have sufficient time and money available to mitigate some of the things the future could throw at DD.

I agree with others that the biological urge to reproduce can be almost irresistible in some people, and I think this often combines with societal expectations to have (ideally several) children, and many people’s tendency not to think about things or plan for the future in too much depth. I have many friends who have 2 or 3 kids just because ‘that’s just what you do’ - several of them have privately admitted that if they could go back they’d only have one, or none at all.

Personally I didn’t have that strong biological urge, so with DD it became more of a pragmatic ‘pros and cons’ type decision, especially since I was 37 and DP is a few years older. We felt that, while the world feels very bleak at times, there is still a great deal of beauty in it, and we wanted to share things we love like art and music and travel and the joy of learning with a child. Basically it’s not all bad, and as well as the challenges there will also be advantages and opportunities for DD in the future that were not available to us.

TikkaBoo · 20/09/2020 21:06

They are living to be happy - why else is anybody living?

I just see that as an ouroboros! type thing!
No one is actually DOING anything useful, other than making more, non-useful things Grin

I suppose, if they're harming no one and they're happy, have it.

I just think it's utterly, utterly pointless

Sarahp2308 · 20/09/2020 21:06

I intend to still be here in 20-30 years, along with my own parents and my future children so atleast we’ll all suffer together 👍🏼

@2020iscancelled I agree, you hit the nail on the head!

Nobodies future is guaranteed, you never know what is around the corner and you cannot live your life fretting about things that haven’t even happened yet, I’m not doubting climate change but I don’t think humans not reproducing is the answer, there are things we can change in our everyday life to help climate change without having such a drastic effect on our life’s

ReeseWitherfork · 20/09/2020 21:07

Because myself and my dh are both really fucking good looking and super intelligent and it would’ve been a travesty to not carry on our genes. We had six if that gets up your nose any more OP.

😂 I love everything about this.

jessstan2 · 20/09/2020 21:07

@donkey86

Because hope springs eternal. And, for the most part, so does life.
That.

We can get climate change under control.

VestaTilley · 20/09/2020 21:08

Because it may be a future child who cures cancer/persuades major governments to clamp down on pollution etc.

It is a very strong desire, and not every future person’s life will be bad- many will be wonderful. The last generation lived in the shadow of the nuclear threat. Thank goodness for us they still procreated!

sharpeidiem · 20/09/2020 21:08

@TikkaBoo

They are living to be happy - why else is anybody living?

I just see that as an ouroboros! type thing!
No one is actually DOING anything useful, other than making more, non-useful things Grin

I suppose, if they're harming no one and they're happy, have it.

I just think it's utterly, utterly pointless

@TikkaBoo Are you depressed? It seems like you can't see a point to being alive. My biggest purpose is to be happy and make the people I love happy.

Also I think considering motherhood "non-useful" is fucking disrespectful to be honest!

PablosHoney · 20/09/2020 21:08

@TikkaBoo as long as you include yourself in that non usefulness.

mamaonamission · 20/09/2020 21:08

Or maybe you become the 1 percent that gets pregnant even with a coil fitted...

Shit happens Grin

Danetobe · 20/09/2020 21:08

There is no life and happiness without pain and suffering. when you decide to create a life you also decide to create pain and suffering for that person. There is no logic to having children. I bloody love mine though 😊

Emeeno1 · 20/09/2020 21:09

I think you are looking at this the wrong way round.

Have you ever considered that a child born today might be one who finds solutions to tomorrow's problems? That there is only hope in having children.

Hadjab · 20/09/2020 21:11

Because I was fated to give birth to a boy and name him John Connor - I'm sure he'll grow up to do amazing things...

AmelieV88 · 20/09/2020 21:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ktsc89 · 20/09/2020 21:11

Hi @ReeseWitherfork , should have said my first line 'useful comment there' was sarcastic. Yes you're right, 85 years is not far away at all with current life expectancy.

DameFanny · 20/09/2020 21:12

Because people don't for the most part comprehend the totality of the damage we've done to the environment and how increasingly quickly we're reaching each next tipping point

Sarahp2308 · 20/09/2020 21:12

@ReeseWitherfork Brilliant!!!! 🤣🤣

TikkaBoo · 20/09/2020 21:13

as long as you include yourself in that non usefulness.

Oh god, yes!

I'm not depressed, no. I do think life is pretty pointless though - as I think a lot of people do. Most people who I know who have kids do so because they think the same, so they have kids to try and add some meaning - the anti-logic of which just blows my mind.

I suppose that's what keeps it all going though, start to find life pointless, so try and inject meaning in the form of kids, who start to find life pointless, so they have some kids to try and inject meaning...