HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

[ditzyflipsy]

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

I’m zero tolerance for drugs, so I’d have dumped him the first time I found out. He’s also a liar.

Some people don’t mind occasional drug use. I’m not one of those people. You need to decide who you are. There are no solid rights and wrongs, there are just your standards and boundaries and you have to decide what they are. Sounds like you don’t like it and don’t want to be with a drug user, so clearly it’s you’re not compatible with him and shouldn’t be together. Also, as stated before - he’s a liar.

I know it varies - I understand that in some circles recreational drugs are common - but there are many, many people who have never taken drugs and have no interest in doing so.

Tbh, if it's a deal breaker for you (and it would be for me) then I'd suggest drawing a hard line early on in dating. Of course some people will have dabbled in the past and given up completely but if the person you are seeing takes drugs now - and you have to ask them to stop - it might be easier/less stressful to walk away immediately and look for someone who shares your values.

This one doesn't, and has made it clear he is willing to lie do you. Two very good reasons to throw him back.

One of the best things I did was walk away from a relationship where after a year I realised crystal clear that he would always put his mother ahead of me, and I didn't want that, this sounds like he will always put drugs ahead of you and if that's what he wants to do then leave him and let him. My ex still isn't married after ten years and it looks like he's happy with that and he hasn't changed. I'm not married to him angry and bitter that something I saw clearly when we were dating is exactly the same as it was ten years ago. Win-win.

He's lying about drug use.

You have to ask?

You're 21. Break the engagement and start dating other people.

We got engaged quickly but he was 40 and I was 28.

No. he's lied to you.
I don't like drugs either. I had a partner who kept scoring weed, a LOT of it. I wondered i the end what the hell he was doing with it all.
Sometimes he said he needed money for food or petrol but he would have weed.
I really hate drug taking, sorry to those who think it is okay, but I do not want it in my life, not ever.

Irrespective of what you feel about drug use, I think the issue is this was a massive problem for you and you made that clear early on.

He could and should have been truthful if he didn’t want to give up. That’s his choice. If he thought it was an unreasonable request, he should have been upfront and told you that.

By lying though, he’s taken away your choice and whether deliberate or not, has put you in this position where you’ve invested time and energy into what you thought was going to be your life long relationship.

If it's coke he may be addicted anyway- you don't know how much he uses. And often soft drugs (not that coke is soft) can lead to worse. It's also all illegal so if he's caught he would have a criminal record, impacting on his career. Walk away.

Stay strong, OP! You've done exactly the right thing, and if at any point you feel yourself doubting that, remember that if you forgive him and take him back now, you'll be doing the same thing in twenty years' time, but by then it'll be much harder to leave. You have so much time still to find someone that deserves you.

Ultimately, he doesn't respect you. It's not going to get any better.

We got engaged after 6 months...I was 19, and married 9 months later, when I was 20, and dh was 25. We are still married 34 years on. He knew my red line, and has never afaik, crossed it, and if he had, I would have heard by now, given the close knit community in which he worked.

Walk, OP. Dh and I were and are on the same page for most things, albeit we are very different people. If you can't trust him, walk now.

Haven't RTFT but I wouldn't marry him. You laid your cards in the table early in that drug use was a dealbreaker for you, he doesn't want to stop and on top of that has broken your trust a couple of times a month. You aren't compatible

He is not going to change. This relationship is not going to work.

In relationship terms a year is still very early days and you already have a serious difference in values and he has broken your trust.

It’s normal not to argue much a year in, it’s the honeymoon period and he’s already betrayed you.
It’s not a good start.

Anyone proposing after this amount of time is a red flag too for me personally

He lied and he crossed the one line you set. You have both lost credibility with each other. This relationship can never be successful. Cut your losses by getting out sooner rather than later.

Happy Ever After isn't one of your options with him.

This sounds incredibly similar to a relationship I was in years ago. I laid it out when we first got together that drugs were a dealbreaker for me and he said it was in the past. All it did was cause him to lie to me regardless of how much I told him it was a problem.

I realised in the end that it was too big a part of his lifestyle and he was never going to change.

@ditzyflipsy

Update for everyone can you believe he's messaging me non stop trying to convince me to marry him and he will change after marriage when we're living together ?!! This guy really thinks I'm an idiot bloody hell

But again can't thank you all enough for your help so many wise ladies here. I don't have family I can talk to and you guys have been wonderful. Thank you all

Well that update tells you everything you need to know OP! He really does thing you were born yesterday. The arrogance is staggering and his regard for you is so low it’s insulting. This would totally change how I feel about him on the spot. Please make it very clear he has insulted your intelligence and it is now over and not to contact you again. Block him everywhere and move on with your life. You are so young. Enjoy your youth, go out with friends and have a good time. Mr Right will come in to your life If and when you are ready.

He showed you his true nature; shallow, selfish, unreliable, dishonest. Promises and boundaries mean nothing to him; which tells you all you need to know about any future together.

 It doesn't matter what the drugs are. What matters is that he has no intention of giving them up for you.  He loves drugs more than he loves you.