HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

[ditzyflipsy]

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

Nah I couldn't be doing with this. Drugs, drink (too much) and gambling put me right off. He will continue to take drugs

Give him back the ring and live your life before settling down. He is not the man for you.

I can only advice from my personal experience. I noticed my fiance was very focused on alcohol and extracted an assurance from him that it wasn't an issue, he was 'only a social drinker' and would stop if it was an issue. 10 years later I was divorcing him on the grounds of his alcoholism. I think you need to be guided by his actions not his words.
Can you tolerate his drug taking? If not then leave.

Move on - the trust is gone here and this is a dealbreaker issue for you.
I was a clubbed but DW made it clear that she did not want anything like that around her so I made the choice and we’ve been together 15 years.
If I’d have carried on a lied to her our relationship would have been founded on lies. Not a good start.
I was older though, so had had my fun in my 20s so it wasn’t such a big deal to me, I was ready to settle down a bit.

You were clear with him from the beginning that drugs were a deal breaker for you but you are still with him despite the fact that he continued to take drugs even after he said he wouldn't. He will continue to take drugs because your actions have informed him that your boundaries are meaningless even to you and also that you will tolerate a liar. He will never respect your boundaries because you have shown him your boundaries are negotiable.

This with stonking great bells on!

I had a very short thing with a guy when I was 18 and I also made it clear from the start I wouldn't be with anyone taking drugs even recreationally.
Like that, he rang me one night and I knew he'd had something and I was gutted cause I really liked him.
But I walked away. His was a a more severe need to use when out and he went on to have issues for many more years after.
But the main thing was, I had said straight up from the start it was a deal breaker for me and as much as it hurt I had to stay true to myself

If you stay you are playing russian roulette with your life. He maybe the type to stop using by his late twenties or go on to be a continual user for the rest of his life.

The fact that he lies makes me think he will be in the latter catergory. I think you deserve much better and would dump him.

He's your fiance and you've only been together for a year?! That sounds pretty fast moving to me! I would take some time to consider whether he really is the one for you. You have to be extremely certain if you plan to settle down and have children with him. Of course, he may grow up and amend his ways if he became a father. But it's a gamble. I think, personally, that it might be time to hand back that ring and give things extra time and more thought.

He’s made his choice.
So must you. I know what I would be doing and it wouldn’t involve agonising about someone who clearly prefers lying to me and breaking my trust in them for recreational drug use.

“ you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time”

That WAS your boundary. He ignored it and lied to you. You’ve tolerated this, to the point of getting engaged after only 10 months, and he’s been clear that he is unwilling to stop.

If you stay, seems likely he will just continue, and could well lie to you about other things too.

If you are serious about the drug taking then why are you even hesitating? This isn't a one time slip up.

I'd split with him and not be in such a race to get engaged in future.

Ah no, OP, you’re too young. Don’t let this man become your future. Go and enjoy yourself and leave him to his drugs.

Update for everyone can you believe he's messaging me non stop trying to convince me to marry him and he will change after marriage when we're living together ?!! This guy really thinks I'm an idiot bloody hell

But again can't thank you all enough for your help so many wise ladies here. I don't have family I can talk to and you guys have been wonderful. Thank you all

You sound like you've made a decision to end things, and FWIW, i think you've done the right thing. This is always the risk, when you move relationships along really quickly; things get very serious with someone that you dont really know and havent seen all sides of.

Dont compromise your principles for any man, no matter how charming he is. Enjoy the next few years of your life, dont feel rushed into settling down.

“I’ll stop disrespecting you, lying to you and disregarding your wishes when we’re married...”

And they say romance is dead

Run like hell. He knew your (very clear) boundaries, he overstepped them more than once. He doesn't care about them. Run fast. Please. The only person who will make him stop using drugs is himself. When HE wants to.

I'm divorcing my STBXH for unreasonable behaviour (i.e. alcoholism, drug taking, and all the trappings, fuckwittery and crap that comes with that*). You cannot change him (I tried for the best part of 6yrs and then split when I found out he was drinking-driving when taking the children to school, and taking drugs), you can only state your boundaries and stick with them. If you let him cross those boundaries repeatedly, they'll become meaningless.

*and I assure you it is crap: the vile behaviour, ruining family days/events, verbal abuse (physical abuse on one occasion), going AWOL, you name it, the constant lies, the gaslighting (making you feel like you're the one with the problem), you never knowing what will happen from day to day. He never thought I'd finish with him. He thought I'd stay forever. He had a shock when I finally woke up, saw sense, and ended things.

1. break up with this guy
2. don’t get engaged again to someone you barely know
3. don’t confuse the honeymoon period of first year of dating as you being in a great relationship
4. make sure that the next guy you get with respects your boundaries especially around drugs as it’s a valid and important concern
5. don’t rush into a relationship you’re only 21 at that age I was having fun with my friends not dealing with drugs drama and engagements with men I barely knew

Good luck.

If you made it clear that drug taking is a deal breaker, then you know the answer. Walk away. No more chances, no trying to “save him”. Walk away.

You told him you wouldn’t tolerate drug taking yet he has continued to take them and you’re still there. What message do you think that’s giving him? That your words and threats are meaningless and in future he’ll know that he can walk all over you.

I think it also reflects that you are both way too young to be settling down. At your age you should be out enjoying yourself. His party lifestyle and the recreational drugs show that he’s not ready for settling down and giving up on having a good time. He’s making that perfectly clear. I don’t understand why you’ve got engaged to be honest.

You need to say goodbye and go out there and live a little.

If you haven’t haven’t heard of Leah Betts then google her. Ecstasy kills! With your knowledge and attitude, I hope to God you're not a parent

I hate drugs but get your facts straight before being so rude, Leah Betts died from water intoxication not ecstasy

It was always him that wanted to make our commitment go on another level and he wants to live together and move quickly. But I am just rambling so I'm sorry not very good with words

Glad you’ve ended it OP. Sounds like the right decision.

For future reference, pressure to commit and rapidity of progression in a relationship can also be red flags. Not always. I’m sure whirlwind romances do sometimes work out. But the advice I’ve seen before on the relationships board - that if you want to find out what someone is like, say no to something and see how they react - is sound.

Break ups are very sad when you love the person but you have a VERY clear red line and you'd be letting yourself down if you didn't stick to it.

So as it turns out, he's not your type and not got your best interests at heart (also a bare minimum for a DP). Cut him loose and you can both move on to more compatible relationships... or better yet, to enjoy being single and certainly not even think of getting engaged for a good while.

It’s the dishonesty that you will never be able to get past. Trust is fundamental in a relationship and when it goes, it’s gone.

You are doing the right thing in ending it. I don’t do drugs but I don’t think a bit of recreational ecstasy or the occasional joint is harmful. What was harmful was him lying to you and then trying to convince you that you are somehow at fault here. If you had accepted that you would have shown that he doesn’t have to respect your views or keep any promises he makes to you.

And if it’s coke he is taking he is kidding himself that he is control of his habit. You are better off out of this relationship.

You laid out your boundaries clearly at the start. By accepting them but then choosing sneak around and lie so that he can cross those boundaries without consequence (nearly), he has essentially tricked you into staying in the relationship under duress.

I couldn't stay. I did similar once (it wasn't drugs but I drew a line in the sand) and he lied and lied to try and get away with stuff I didn't want in a relationship. I stayed after many promises, but he just continued to lie. He wanted to have his cake and eat it. In the end he gave me no choice but to finish with him - it was that or face a lifetime going in circles, no trust and being miserable as he wasn't going to change.