HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

[ditzyflipsy]

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

Whether you're right or not, that's not the situation here. The situation is that you're not compatible and that he's broken your trust and now you don't feel comfortable. This probably won't stop. I say probably because who knows if this is the kick up the arse he needs but in all eventuality, he'll continue doing it when he feels like it and if that's a dealbreaker to you, then that's all that matters.

You got engaged far too soon.

He doesn't want to give up his casual drug taking even though he knows this is your line in the sand.

Time to end it. He is practically asking you to do this.

You will be sad for a while but you will get over him.

Leave.

You did it right at the beginning. You were clear. There was nothing unreasonable in what you said.

Don’t lose your way now. He tried but he can’t stop taking drugs so he’s not the one for you.

It might feel like a long time but you’ve only been together a year and engaged two months. You have your whole life ahead of you.

You must leave. This will not work. Drugs are a deal breaker for me too. I absolutely would not tolerate it. It’s illegal for a start off. I’d be worried about behaviour, possession of illegal things, what about when you have children.... absolutely no way. He won’t change.

I guess I'm a bit hurt that I was promised it would stop but it's still so on and off I don't know to stick around and provide that support or just leave and walk away ?????

So he has broken the deal you laid out for him 24 times since you have met, and your response is to be "a bit hurt" and wonder whether you should stick around to "support" him? What would you be supporting him with? He's doing fine.

Something to know op, words are the cheapest things in the world. Anyone can promise anything. This guy has made it absolutely crystal clear what he thinks of you, your past experiences, the pain you've gone through, the fears you have. It's up to you to read the writing on the wall I'm afraid.

You made it very clear what you needed. He agreed to it. When he failed to keep his word he lied to you and then, eventually told you and turned it around to make it your fault.

It isn’t.

He isn’t what you need because there is a massive incompatibility between you. He hasn’t been able to change and it’s still a problem for you.

Also, he’s shown you that he cannot be trusted. He will lie to you about things that are important to you if it makes his life easier. Even if he could stop the drugs right now or you found it was no longer important to you - this character flaw makes him unsuitable as a life partner for anyone.

You all are so lovely and thank you for your words it's giving me so much clarity.

Its just a shitty situation and I'm glad that a lot of people are saying to leave and move on because I was made to feel that I'm overreacting I needed that reassurance that so many lovely people have given me.

So thank you I think I'm going to go on a "break" and give myself time to think of the best way to go about breaking it off. I just hope I don't get manipulated really he's a really well spoken charming bastard honestly. But thank you for your advice ladies much appreciated I'm still reading everything and grasping as much wisdom.

And yesss I know we engaged far too quickly I'm now dealing with the repercussions of that lol and we are very young I'm 21 he's 22 yes very very young so at the same time I feel almost like I am taking away his drug party life that he should live in these years but also I never pushed forward marriage and that commitment

It was always him that wanted to make our commitment go on another level and he wants to live together and move quickly. But I am just rambling so I'm sorry not very good with words

Oh God. You're still so very young. Way too young to be getting married. Live a little. Aim higher than settling with the first (unsuitable) guy that asks.
Honestly, you've so much more waiting for you out there. Go enjoy it!

Nobody ’needs’ drugs to party and have a good time. You made your stance very vlear at the beginning. Now follow through and walk away. Neither of you will be happy otherwise. He will resent you for being a nag and taking his fun away, and you won’t trust him. You will find somebody who feels the same way about drugs than you do, just walk away from this. Don’t waste your time for any further ’chances’.

Well your latest update throws up more red flags. So he is a charmer and a manipulator making you feel in the wrong for your boundaries ?.

He doesn't have the right to try to manipulate you into accepting his values especially when he knows how strongly you feel about drugs so on that basis alone it is not a healthy dynamic. You need to be strong, end it absolutely and move on.
Very sad but best in the long run. X

Don't have a break, as that implies you will get back together. Just break it off.
Worrying that you feel he's trying to push the relationship forward quickly and that he's a charming bastard who you worry is going to manipulate you. Have you been here long enough to realise these are relationship red flags?
You don't want drug users around you? Fair enough, I'm the same. So you need to go. Because he will not change, he will just lie to you about it. The more you say about him the worse he sounds, frankly.

The gaslighting would be the deal breaker for me.

The drugs are what they are, but this is a man who has shown he will tell you what you want to hear then do whatever he feels like, so he has the best of both worlds. The lying, rather than the drugs, is the big problem here.

I was in a very similar situation as you.

I had a very strong dislike to drugs and when I met my ex partner. I ended things after a month and stopped seeing him as I found out he took drugs quite often.

He told me he had changed, wanted more than anything to be with me and wouldn’t touch another drug in his life. As a naive 18 year old I took his word. I had no reason to doubt until 8 years later a friend confessed she was worried he had a drug problem. My world shattered as he admitted he lied a lot in the relationship and I could never trust him again. it was the lying that got me. He also blamed me for it and said I was unreasonable.

I walked away and it’s the best thing I ever did. I have now met the most amazing man and have the most fulfilling relationship where I’m not always looking over my shoulder.

Today 00:35 GoldfishParade

I'm on the fence.
On the one hand if you're talking about ecstasy it's a fun thing to do occasionally and responsibly. It doesn't turn you into a junkie drug addict monster.

If you haven’t haven’t heard of Leah Betts then google her. Ecstasy kills! With your knowledge and attitude, I hope to God you're not a parent

You did the right thing by telling him your "non negotiable' stance at the start. He took the piss and disrespected you by taking drugs and then lying, and telling you now doesn't make it better. It was your one non negotiable line in the sand. Sadly it's time to dump him. And it's definitely ok next time you meet someone nice to tell them your "no drugs" stance again. Plenty of people don't take any drugs at all.

Sorry but he's done something to break your trust; knowing that this is a dealbreaker for you and he did it anyway. He doesn't value the relationship enough to stay away from party pills.

And yes you should dump him. It'll be downhill from here otherwise.

Not only has he lied about it; when you found out he gaslit you into believing it's not a big deal. I'm sorry but this is not someone to commit to. It'll turn into a shitshow very fast.

Only you know the answer to this. He is what he is so you have to decide whether that makes him the man for you or not. Don't dictate how he lives his life or deliver ultimatums as he has made his choice already (and that doesn't make him a bad person). Love him as he is or move on.

@pinkstripeycat

Today 00:35 GoldfishParade

I'm on the fence.
On the one hand if you're talking about ecstasy it's a fun thing to do occasionally and responsibly. It doesn't turn you into a junkie drug addict monster.

If you haven’t haven’t heard of Leah Betts then google her. Ecstasy kills! With your knowledge and attitude, I hope to God you're not a parent

Drinking kills a whole hell of a lot more people. The legal status of different drugs is stupid and illogical so 'it's illegal' is a ridiculous argument.

OP has her boundaries and he doesn't have to share them. She doesn't have to go out with him.

I really think this attempt by some to paint him as an evil genius of manipulation (all of 22) is a bit silly. They are young, and need to learn you can't change people. That's it.

It's well known that drugs users are prone to manipulation mrs Terry Pratchett. Of course there's an element of manipulation. He knew her boundaries, lied about his actions then when he got caught, attempted to gaslight her and minimise what he was doing, so she'd stay with him.

You were clear with him from the beginning that drugs were a deal breaker for you but you are still with him despite the fact that he continued to take drugs even after he said he wouldn't. He will continue to take drugs because your actions have informed him that your boundaries are meaningless even to you and also that you will tolerate a liar. He will never respect your boundaries because you have shown him your boundaries are negotiable.

If drugs are genuinely a deal breaker then you need to walk away now. A break to think about things suggest you hope that he will change his behaviour if he thinks he will lose you, he won't he will just be inclined to lie more.

Yanbu. I know what it is to be traumatised by someone else's drug problem. I have had the same rule myself for a long time. As you were clear about this, I would leave him. You made this boundary to keep yourself safe, and it was wise of you to do so. It's now been tested. Keep keeping yourself safe.

@LadyH846

It's well known that drugs users are prone to manipulation mrs Terry Pratchett. Of course there's an element of manipulation. He knew her boundaries, lied about his actions then when he got caught, attempted to gaslight her and minimise what he was doing, so she'd stay with him.

In my 30 years of experience with that...I was working in a rehab before OP was born, heroin addicts are manipulative. Cocaine makes you an arse. But taking ecstasy at the weekend, that doesn't make you more or less manipulative than anyone else.

He could be. Equally she could be controlling. Or they just aren't suited and are very young and finding out what is important.

They want different things.