HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

[ditzyflipsy]

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

The problem is you have made it clear what your red lines are and he has ignored them. He will continue do drugs, as he wants to and you will accept it, as that is what you are doing now. When it comes to drugs (or indeed alcohol issues) if you can leave, run and don’t look back.

Move on. A good friend of mine married when she was aged about 30. The husband was similar - had always used recreationally and his friends were all the same. She agreed to marry him if he moved away from that lifestyle and he did initially. But by 40 she was divorced with two young kids.

You can’t change people. There are plenty of guys who have never even experimented with drugs and you’d be far better off with one of them given your own history. This lad doesn’t sound like he’s the one for you.

YANBU. Your values are different. It is something you feel strongly about, justifiably. You set the boundary...you know what’s important to you.

I had a relationship once with someone who used drugs recreationally. They knew I was anti-drugs so gave up. However when we later went through a difficult time in our relationship they went back to it. I think they also resented me for causing them to give up in the first place.

Move on and don’t look back. It would be a deal-breaker for me too. Don’t compromise on your values as it really is all you have.

You’re not rambling, nor are you bad with words. Don’t put yourself down. Your comment about him trying to gaslight you into seeing it as normal by telling you is very insightful.

I think though that you probably are incompatible. It may be that as he gets older, he can put drug taking behind him - we have friends who did. However, the cost to you of waiting to see if that happens is too high. I think it might be time to step away from this relationship. Good luck.

@autumnboys

You’re not rambling, nor are you bad with words. Don’t put yourself down. Your comment about him trying to gaslight you into seeing it as normal by telling you is very insightful.

I think though that you probably are incompatible. It may be that as he gets older, he can put drug taking behind him - we have friends who did. However, the cost to you of waiting to see if that happens is too high. I think it might be time to step away from this relationship. Good luck.

Thank you I really appreciate this.

Trust broken and gaslighting about it. You were very clear. He thinks he doesn't have to keep his promise.

Leave him. If you're mentioning him going cold turkey, then drugs are hardwired into his preferred lifestyle, and it seems you might not be . I was the one in my marriage who came from a colourful lifestyle, and I gave it all up for him - but that was when I was 30. Not sure I could have done it in my twenties... Good luck, OP.

Jesus! You are so young. Please don't tie yourself to a man who doesn't respect you.

You will never trust him and resentment will set in.
Cut your losses now. I also would not be with someone who uses drugs.

I was you when I was 19 and naive. I made it clear to my then boyfriend I didn’t like drugs and he promised he wouldn’t touch them again. He used Ecstasy, coke and weed.

Fast forward a few months and I discovered he was still taking it all. We had a chat, he admitted it, apologised, said he wouldn’t do it again. But guess what? Another year down the line, he was. He’d just become better at hiding it.

I angrily confronted him. He accused me of being unreasonable/everyone does it and I couldn’t dictate his lifestyle. He told me he’d give up when he was ready. I was so in love by this point (he was my first major love) that I couldn’t let him go.

Like you, I thought I could “support” him through it. Make him come to his senses. I remember my mum, in all her infinite wisdom, advising me to break it off. She even left that book, “He’s Not That Into You” on my bedside table!

I carried on another 5 years, turning a blind eye to his drug use. But it wore me down and I resented him. In the end, I accepted a transfer with work, moved to a different city and dumped my boyfriend who had become a lazy, unmotivated, unemployed loser who brought nothing to our relationship. He was furious I ended it, cried, clung to my leg, begged me to stay. I didn’t look back.

My only regret is I should’ve done it sooner. However, it was an excellent lesson for learning strong boundaries and what I wasn’t willing to put up with in relationships.

I’m now married to an amazing DH. Life is good.

Don’t waste your time with this guy. He won’t change. But... I understand if you decide to give it another go. It’s blinding, all consuming, naive young love. What I would strongly advise though, is DONT MARRY HIM. Please!

I'm not saying that some recreational drug use will make him a manipulative evil person. I am stating that he's someone who is very manipulative with or without substance abuse he had played this whole thing out so well it was so calculated from the gaslighting to the slow normalising of drug abuse.

I love him I really do and I know he would try his best for me but it's not my job to baby him and tell him what's good for him and what's not it sucks. I think everyone is saying we're incompatible and they are right as much as I hate to see the truth. Also I have never ever been controlling and from the very beginning I had one request from my partners that was not for discussion and it was no drugs

I never asked him to change anything I told him this is who and the minimum of who I'm looking for and he went along with it and I trusted it honestly some guys really are just rats aren't they.

It maybe a case of maturity what with being so young. A break or spa s to think is a good start as it’s too triggering for you

@WizardOfAus

I was you when I was 19 and naive. I made it clear to my then boyfriend I didn’t like drugs and he promised he wouldn’t touch them again. He used Ecstasy, coke and weed.

Fast forward a few months and I discovered he was still taking it all. We had a chat, he admitted it, apologised, said he wouldn’t do it again. But guess what? Another year down the line, he was. He’d just become better at hiding it.

I angrily confronted him. He accused me of being unreasonable/everyone does it and I couldn’t dictate his lifestyle. He told me he’d give up when he was ready. I was so in love by this point (he was my first major love) that I couldn’t let him go.

Like you, I thought I could “support” him through it. Make him come to his senses. I remember my mum, in all her infinite wisdom, advising me to break it off. She even left that book, “He’s Not That Into You” on my bedside table!

I carried on another 5 years, turning a blind eye to his drug use. But it wore me down and I resented him. In the end, I accepted a transfer with work, moved to a different city and dumped my boyfriend who had become a lazy, unmotivated, unemployed loser who brought nothing to our relationship. He was furious I ended it, cried, clung to my leg, begged me to stay. I didn’t look back.

My only regret is I should’ve done it sooner. However, it was an excellent lesson for learning strong boundaries and what I wasn’t willing to put up with in relationships.

I’m now married to an amazing DH. Life is good.

Don’t waste your time with this guy. He won’t change. But... I understand if you decide to give it another go. It’s blinding, all consuming, naive young love. What I would strongly advise though, is DONT MARRY HIM. Please!

This is scarily similar to my situation. I understand everything you're saying and want to thank you so much.

Similar thing is happening now he's begging me saying he won't do drugs again and this time he was in control and only took it because he thought it wasn't a big deal and is now trying to beg my forgiveness and downplay it and promise not to do it again

God i can literally see my life playing out just like that

YANBU.
You were very clear about what is not acceptable to you.
His choice was to accept or decline. He didn't have to be in a relationship with you!

That and your first paragraph of your latest post. Yikes. I'm not really sure how you can hold the view that he's a good guy who would honestly do his best for you while at the same time describing a gaslighting manipulator. The two can't exist together in one person.

I would end the relationship.

The thing is you were honest at the start and said you couldn’t be with someone who takes drugs as it’s too triggering for you. These are your needs and they ensure your good mental health which is important long term.

Well thank your lucky stars you are only engaged and dont have children. Leave now whilst it will be simpler. Drug use is your line in the sand, stick to it.

Your fiance doesn't want to stop taking drugs OP. It's that simple. He tried to stop because you asked him to, but it's not what he really wants so it will never stick. Don't sign up for a lifetime of policing him.

My son's drug habit destroyed our family, I understand where you're coming from.

Similar thing is happening now he's begging me saying he won't do drugs again and this time he was in control and only took it because he thought it wasn't a big deal and is now trying to beg my forgiveness and downplay it and promise not to do it again

I heard all of these excuses, too. Please OP, don’t be me and waste seven years of your 20s with someone incompatible. Find someone amazing who respects you.

You made it clear from the start that you couldn’t be with him if he was going to take drugs.
He took drugs anyway.
He values the drugs more than he values you.
Walk away now and go and find someone who you don’t have to try and convince not to take drugs because they don’t want to take them in the first place. Someone who is on the same page.
This is such a basic core principle, you really want to find someone who shares it with you, otherwise you guys are going to be battling about it your whole lives.
It has only been 1 year. Start again. You picked the wrong one, accept that and look for a better one.
At this stage (no kids, no marriage) it doesn’t have to be forever and it will be ‘easy’ (albeit not emotionally I’m sure) to walk away. Don’t get stuck in this and be on mumsnet in 10 years time asking to do about your husband who won’t spend anytime with your children at the weekend cause he’s been out all night doing drugs with his friends. You don’t have to be that person, don’t choose that life for yourself, you’re not stuck yet, just get out now and choose a better life for yourself.

yanbu at all. you have been totally clear from the outset that you were only up for a relationship with someone who does not do drugs. someone who is a decent honest sort and who valued their drug use more than their potential relationship with you would have walked away at that point. or if they valued you more than the drugs they would have given up the drugs properly at that point. his decision to have the drugs and not tell you about it shows so much about his lack of decency and honesty and lack of respect and consideration for you that you absolutely cannot continue this relationship. even if he begs for another chance you cannot trust it because these are deep parts of his character that he can't just decide to change, this is who he is.

You drew a line, he has repeatedly crossed it. You will never be able to trust him fully. Better to know now that a few years down the line when you are married, have kids and he is frittering money away and lying to you. Please call it a day and move on.

@alfrew

Your fiance doesn't want to stop taking drugs OP. It's that simple. He tried to stop because you asked him to, but it's not what he really wants so it will never stick. Don't sign up for a lifetime of policing him.

My son's drug habit destroyed our family, I understand where you're coming from.

I understand too. My brother's drug use over 20 years destroyed our family, and then he died. So much trauma. I'd never have anything to do with a man who did drugs even if it was just here and there.

There's another thread active on Mumsnet at the moment. It's a woman who regularly drug tests her hubby because she can't trust him. The drug test came out positive twice and he's claiming it must be wrong and she's seeking advice.

That's your future. Do you want to be with someone who lies to your face? For me, that's a boundary crossed, along with the boundary of no drugs that he accepted and violated anyway.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/2844549/schoolgirl-16-who-was-pictured-in-coma-after-taking-ecstasy-for-the-first-time-says-she-is-glad-her-mother-posted-the-harrowing-snaps-online/

Because ecstacy use is not as safe as is claimed.

Your young man does not care enough for you to stop his drug use so leave and find someone who shares your values.

@LIZS

You drew a line, he has repeatedly crossed it. You will never be able to trust him fully. Better to know now that a few years down the line when you are married, have kids and he is frittering money away and lying to you. Please call it a day and move on.

Completely agree with this. You’re so young and it was very quick to get engaged and to make a commitment of that manner when you don’t completely know him.

Chalk it up to experience and get yourself gone.

Drugs are non negotiable , leave