HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

[ditzyflipsy]

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

you don't have kids, you are not married yet, you have only been together for a year.

Cut your losses and move on. You know this yourself.

No I'm sorry but if it were me this would be over. If he wanted to change he would of he was doing to please you but unless he really wants to stop he won't and now he is making out it's not a big deal when it's a big deal to you. I don't see a future with someone like that. Go for someone with the same standards as you.

just saw that you are 21. Gosh, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on him. Good luck.

Youve only been together a year and you're starting to see he's unreliable and a bit of a liar. Red flag.

YANBU to not want to be with someone who takes drugs recreationally, addicted or not addicted. You did the right thing informing your fiancé up front.

What I find hard to swallow is the assumption that he could succeed at cutting them out of his life. He promised he would. He tried very hard. But he ultimately failed.

I don’t think he failed on purpose such that you can say you have lost “all trust in him”. He’s always been a human, not a perfect god. Humans will try and fail, we don’t always succeed. He lived up to your trust by his attempt alone.

The question for you is more, do you want to push him and support him through more attempts to cut drugs out completely, or do you want to leave now and tell him thank you for trying, I know you love me, but it’s not something I can live with etc.

The non stop messaging is a concern. He seems mostly worried about getting what he wants and not at all worried about you as a person.

How stalky is he normally?

Just read your update op well done stay strong you enjoy your drug free life without him. One day you will find the right man and be so glad you didn't marry that boy.

YANBU

You said it was a deal breaker.
You ANBU in setting a clear boundary.

He’s made the choice for you.

@SurreyHillsGirl

Leah was a real person, and people who knew her are reading this. Her parents spent years campaigning against ecstasy and you’re using her to pick holes.

No, ecstasy wasn’t the official cause of death, that poster never said it was.

Here’s a question for you: Would Leah have died if she hadn’t taken ecstasy?

@TheYeaSayer

You can’t trust him. It’s as simple as that. How do you move on from this? What else will he be deceptive about?

If he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s no big deal, then he’s likely planning to carry on, for it to be something you know about and put up with.

I’d move on if I were you.

This. You were upfront with him and he lied to you. He’s gone on lying. And he will lie to you in the future if you are foolish enough to stay with him.

Obviously he's an adult and if he takes drugs it's up to him. However, for me, if I were in a relationship it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't trust him, I would be scared it would escalate and I'd leave.

So, well done for leaving him - it's not going to work as you are not on the same page about something major. He knew it was important to you and obviously has a bit of a problem with it as he hasn't/can't stop.

Good luck OP - I really hope this thread gives you the confidence to leave and stay away.
My thoughts - you are not leaving him because he does drugs. You are leaving him because he has no respect for you. You made your boundaries very clear - no drugs. He either didn't respect you then and thought he could lie to you, or he thinks so little of you that he can forget this is important to you.
His actions show that he actually doesn't agree with your life values. Words mean nothing - its actions. I bet he isn't saying he's going to stop hanging around with his druggie mates, or going out on a night because that's where the temptation is - no he's saying that he is strong enough - well where has this sudden strength come from - from nowhere because its just empty words. No he wants you to commit financially and legally and then he can carry on and its even harder for you to walk away. If he truly respected you and was sorry for his behaviour he would be walking away from you from the shame of it and going off to sort himself out... But that requires hard work... No lets distract the girlfriend with offers of a wedding to plan and keep her happy and busy... In the meantime his life will not change at all - and it wouldn't be different after the wedding either...

He wants you and the drugs, and he can’t have both. You’ve given him a chance to choose you, but he’s continued to choose the drugs, and because it’s not a big deal to him he thinks you wouldn’t really end it over this. But you’ve been absolutely clear that it IS a big deal to you and it’s on him for not hearing you. You’re entitled to your boundaries and should absolutely stick to them. You’ve done the right thing, you’re not compatible in a very significant way.

You are so, so young. Well done for sticking to your guns. I'd suggest going very low/no contact for a couple of months. The begging etc. sounds very immature from him.

Well your a bit on the young side are you not?.

You still havn't said what this man takes as yet?, is it weed or dope or herion snorts coke drops e's or whatever is in fashion these days?.

Let me see at that age i was right in the middle of the summer of lurve 1969 and well most everywhwree you went ther was a clould of dope smoke but like Bill 'fibbing Clinton one, 'err never inhaled;!

At that age used to sink around 20 pints of Greene Kings best wind and water a week!

All that went on till around 1975 "ish" when I settled down the consumption fell like a stone, now many years later I don't think i'd know what dope smelt like, and the booze around 12 pints a Year maybe less!

Maybe small amounts in Moderation might be passable but from your oringal post you say you have had a horrfic time perviously with a relative.

I don't know how you can tell if someone is going to be an abuser in the longer term?

And maybe are a lot of young people knocking back some things other than asprins;!?

I think you obviously are very sensitive to drug use and whilst some maybe not so, and would think it not that abnormal at that age after all booze is a decent strong drug but seems acceptable for a 20 somthing to get a bit legless out with the rugger club crewmates at weekends.

Most i suspect will grow up and out of those things some won't. You can't say.

BUT the main part is that he's lied to you, most all of us lie/fib/accentuate some things etc, sometimes White or other shades and that I think is whats causing the real poblem..

You deserve better . x

Glad to hear you've broken it off with him, OP. The thing about having boundaries is that they have to be absolutes, otherwise there is no point. A deal breaker can't be swayed by promises or how much you love them, your happiness and well-being are important too.

I'd recommend waiting until you've lived with a person for at least a year before getting engaged. There's no rush and you don't want to be married before you find out they have no intention of doing the washing or any of the other myriad issues that appear on these boards with lazy men.

Good luck in the future OP.

Red flags all over the place. And why is he so desperate to get married at 22, especially if he's basically living a lifestyle of partying and you're not? That seems strange to me. I'm not saying 22 is too young to want marriage, but after less than a year and while still out every weekend taking drugs, the two ideas seem at odds.

You're doing the right thing to run, and next time find someone whose lifestyle and values suit yours right from the get go.

YANBU - yes everyone deserves a second chance but its clear to see that he is not ready or maybe i should say prepared to give up his drug dipping life and someone said in one of the comments you are not married and you dont have kids you can make a clear breakup. You laid your cards on the table from day one and he chose to break the agreement its not as if you asked him to stop having an occasional beer its DRUGS which in my books in a BIG deal. Address it now good luck OP x

Your personal history has made you very, very vulnerable to bad relationships. Even disregarding the drugs you describe him as a charming, manipulative bastard. That’s not a desirable set of qualities in a partner.

Spend time being single and get some help with understanding yourself and building your confidence.

And right now block his messages. Bombarding you with texts and promises is all part of the script for abusive men. His promises are worth as much as the one he made a year ago about giving up drugs.

Best wishes.

You told him doing drugs was a dealbreaker for you. He’s taken drugs yet you are still there. You have basically given him the go ahead and shown it is not a dealbreaker for you.
If it is, then mean what you said before you go years of lying, gaslighting and money spent snorting up his nose.
It would be a total dealbreaker for me. I’d be gone.

It is a deal breaker that he lied and minimising your feelings is the cherry on the cake. Dh and I are very different people but have the same fundamental beliefs around things like this.

You don’t need to be married so young. Keep the ring though.

I don’t know if you already know this but there is a belief amongst some men that us women can be moulded ie manipulated. It works for some of them too & their the ones you see on the relationships board trapped in marriages with 3 kids under 5 & a dh using coke.

Uggh. He has said he “thought it wasn’t a big deal” what a big fat lie. You had been clear that it was a very big deal, he just wanted to do what he liked and hoped you wouldn’t find out. That is not someone to marry, you are doing the right thing in walking away OP. This is no different from someone promising fidelity and then having sex with other women.
Lying like this, so easily, is a very bad sign. He is young and may learn and change, but he may be still like this at forty. He doesn’t love and respect you enough to give up his drug habit.
I have a friend who had a very similar situation.. She was married with three very small children when she got divorced. Splitting up is horrible but better than trying to make a life with someone who does not think you matter enough for him to be honest with you.

I must admit I don't agree with those who are focusing on 'too soon engaged'. What is too soon? I met my husband, had a whirlwind romance, been in a distance relationship (2 continents) for 6m during which time we saw each other physically 6 times, got engaged, married after another 6m and we have been inseparable ever since (8y). I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone (and it certainly didn't for me before I met DH) but lets not dismiss every relationship on MN on the basis of how long they've been together.

The main issue here is his use of drugs. I don't think there's such thing as 'recreational drugs' and for me too any use would be a deal breaker. Furthermore, he knows how you feel about it and is continuing to use. This translates into 'I care about drugs more than you' in my book and I'd have a good, hard think if this relationship has any future. Are you ready to deal with this years into the future? When you're in your 40s. If you decide to have kids? I wouldn't be.