Toddler at playground - WIBU?

[Asiama]

DS is getting to an age where he can play at a playground with other children and I don't know what the etiquette is in the situation I experienced today for the first time.

Another toddler kept pushing DS and shouted at him to get out of the way whenever he went past. DS didn't respond and I couldn't see the parents of the toddler nearby. When the toddler pushed my son for the fourth time I looked at him sternly and said "no! We don't do that!" Toddler threw himself on the ground and had a tantrum but then got up and carried on playing, and didn't push my son again.

Was I unreasonable to "discipline" the other child? I wouldn't have liked it if someone else had done it to my child but then I would hope I stay nearby and keep an eye on him so I can step in.

I think it’s fine what you did.

I'm not British, and I haven't lived there since having DC, and I still keep an eye on my toddlers at the park and intervene if they push someone. I have never considered that stopping a toddler from pushing another child over repeatedly would be some sort of silly cultural custom that only the British partake in.

Some people come out with some right shit on here

YWBU to let the other kid push yours 4 times before telling him off. More than once would have had me intervening.
@NoKnit how lovely that you’re so proud of your 4 year old for barging into toddlers. Congratulations on raising a bully. A chip of the old block eh?

@nonit - Sniggering at other parents that are doing Your job? It's your job to control and guide your child not allow your child to shove a smaller child out the way while you snigger at someone else's parents stepping in when you should be. The clue is in the title - Parent - you are supposed to actually parent your child.
FYI smaller children ie toddlers can be in the same parks, playgroups as older children. It's our jobs as parents to make sure they know how to treat each other and try to be considerate of others. (not shove others especially younger ones out of the way)
Some ppl are just lazy and crap - you.

@NoKnit so you’re teaching your 4 year old that if someone won’t “get out of their way” it’s okay to just shove them. That’ll go down well in everyday life when they’re older, shoving people out of the way in shops because they’re blocking their way

Sorry I think YWBU. Other children are not your business to discipline. If they’re bothering your child, it’s an opportunity to teach your child ways to handle bothersome people, i.e. model how your child can say ‘don’t push me!’ or ‘I don’t like that!’ or simply avoid and move away. That way, your child can do it themselves next time. That way, your child knows you have his back without you ‘doing it for him’. And you’d be surprised when he says loudly and confidently ‘don’t do that!’ how quickly it disarms the other kid. They listen to each other more than they listen to us.

If you intervene and say something to the other kid, it also opens up too many other risks - conflict with the parent in front of your kid, kid repeating the behaviour for your attention, your kid deliberately getting into conflict again because of how good it felt when mummy ‘saved’ him etc. etc.

Think about what you can teach YOUR child about how to get on in a world where not everyone is nice all the time, rather than trying to change other kids’ behaviour

Obvious exception would be if a child is actually getting physically hurt, in which case I’d intervene and use my body as a ‘wall’ between them while trying to calm things down

I have always taught my child to stand up for herself.

However they don't automatically have this skill as soon as they can talk. And many children just don't have that confidence. It's all very well saying that but they need you to stand up for them sometimes - and especially when they're as young as OP is talking about!

@purpleme12

I have always taught my child to stand up for herself.

However they don't automatically have this skill as soon as they can talk. And many children just don't have that confidence. It's all very well saying that but they need you to stand up for them sometimes - and especially when they're as young as OP is talking about!

You’re right of course, it isn’t automatic, but it can be developed, and I think that’s our role as parents. Even young toddlers can issue a very firm ‘NO!’ as I’m sure we’ve all seen ;) But it won’t have the chance to develop if Mum is doing it for them.

You’re also right that some kids lack confidence to speak up, in which case I’d either try to address that at the root or teach them another equally useful skill: avoid bothersome people

I had an argument before after a kid kept on telling on my own child as he had heard me use his name...kid was at least 2 years older and there was a bit of pushing and jostling between them both on the slide...I said this "look I've just watched you push him, perhaps you should play away from each other instead of just coming to tell him all the time!". The mother went ballistic! "Don't you ever speak to my child like that again". I pointed out she couldn't even see her 6 year old and what he was doing!

Another time a woman accused my then 2 year old of "bullying" her 9 year old who was sat inside the tunnel of the kids climbing frame... apparently he had "viciously nipped and attacked her" in the tunnel when he'd just crawled through and over her the way 2 year olds do!

I said perhaps her 9 year old shouldn't be just blocking the tunnel and stopping other children from playing...and at 2 he's just a baby, not bullying! I don't condone nipping but the girl certainly never yelled or cried out as I was watching my toddler emerge and said to the girl "you need to come out of the tunnel as the children can't play".

I bloody hate parents who don't watch their kids!!

@NoKnit

If your child is old enough to play by himself then he should also be old enough to stand up for himself and tell the other child no he doesn't want hitting. I'm sure the other kids mother was watching from a distance and sniggering at you. I do that all the time

Well you sound like an arse

This child is 21 months old . He shouldn't be expected to either "stand up for himself" against kids more than twice his age or get out of some little brat's way in the middle of a bloody PARK.
Bloody hell!!

@oakleaffy I'd like to join you! The irony is that we are actually a German family and l hope Mumsnetters don't think we Germans are generally like this.

@SandMason I'd be genuinely interested to understand how I can teach him to say no and stand up for himself you'll have seen from my earlier posts that he is less than 2 years old and doesn't talk.

I'm finding this thread massively reassuring due to the fact everyone agrees @NoKnit has got it all so very wrong.

You can just see how little bullies are formed. It's often not their fault but the parents.

@Thisismytimetoshine

This child is 21 months old . He shouldn't be expected to either "stand up for himself" against kids more than twice his age or get out of some little brat's way in the middle of a bloody PARK. Bloody hell!!

You’re right he can’t be expected to stand up for himself, by himself, that’s why you’re down there with him, showing him what to do. Then he feels protected by your presence, and empowered that there’s something he himself can do

@NoKnit

I snigger at mothers

Well then you're a twat!!

I'm sat here sniggering that the OP has just revealed she is German, so it clearly means that's your approach to parenting is just lazy and not in anyway linked to your culture!

And OP just to echo everyone else, yes I would have done the same as you did, calmly asked the other child to stop, if my child did something like that out of my view I wouldn't be offended if another parent asked her to stop. In that case I wouldn't be sniggering I'd be mortified! And I've have definitely scoped you out to apologise

@Asiama I’d probably kneel down next to him, and say something like, ‘I see that pushing upset you. Pushing is not okay. You can say ‘NO!’ and put your hand out like this’ (putting hand out in a stop sign). Practice it a few times right there. Then the other kid sees and hears an adult has clocked him, without the direct confrontation and drama that distracts from what you’re trying to teach your own child. The other kid then also has a chance to save face, and perhaps make a better choice next time

@NoKnit

Normal people don't stand back and let their toddlers fight it out at the playground!

Actually that depends on where you live, absolutely normal in country where I am. I find the interference of British parents on holiday extremely stuffy. That is not how to teach kids to think for themselves

And that's why some kids think they can get away with whatever they like nowadays because parents don't teach them right from wrong!

If you intervene and say something to the other kid, it also opens up too many other risks - conflict with the parent in front of your kid, kid repeating the behaviour for your attention, your kid deliberately getting into conflict again because of how good it felt when mummy ‘saved’ him etc. etc.

You really think a little tot is going to seek out trouble just so his mum can save him again? Really?

@BarnabyButterfly

If you intervene and say something to the other kid, it also opens up too many other risks - conflict with the parent in front of your kid, kid repeating the behaviour for your attention, your kid deliberately getting into conflict again because of how good it felt when mummy ‘saved’ him etc. etc.

You really think a little tot is going to seek out trouble just so his mum can save him again? Really?

You’d be surprised - obvs they don’t do it consciously, but yes even little tots are liable to repeat behaviours that produce desirable responses in us. Think 10 month old making a beeline for the power socket while looking at you and waiting for the swoop in and rescue you did last time

*15 month old

@NoKnit

You watch you kid push another kid in the park
And laugh?

That’s weird!

OP I say no hitting, or this morning no throwing sand to random kids if their parents are nowhere to be seen and it’s causing other Kids problems.

Last Christmas a kid was vile to mine, near Christmas; I said I hope Santa didn’t see that- the kid told their mum who told me off 🤪

FWIW, whenever I've been to Germany what I have noticed is that German parents are more confident than UK parents in telling off other children who are not behaving well in playgrounds, not less! I'm not suggesting that's a bad thing, just that it is a cultural difference I have observed.

@SandMason, I didn't think of anything like that but yes, you're right.

I wonder what NoKnit would have done if HER toddler was getting bullied whilst the mother stood their sniggering? Poor kids having a mother that lets her kids get bullied in front of her.

Kids learn how to behave appropriately through the lessons delivered by their parents, first and foremost. But wider society does also play a part in building on those lessons. They mingle with others, and learn from their peers, from other parents, from their teachers and the general public what is acceptable and what is not.

This is how kids become aware of societal conditioning - a collective response to behaviours both good and bad that is adhered to by the community at large. In this way, a community does have the power to enforce some of those first lessons installed by the parents - and children often listen best at those times.

Although - it's not ok as a parent to delegate your responsibilities onto the wider community (in other words, allow others to install and enforce good moral/behavioral lessons in your kids cos you can't be arsed.)