To make DS clear up the kitchen...

[WashUpFFS]

...while his friend is here?

He was asked to clear up from lunch (which was made by me). He "didn't have time" to clear up afterwards as he was dashing out to meet a friend. He's now back, with the friend, and I'm insisting that he does it now. I'm working (from home). He's treating my insistence as thoroughly unreasonable as his mate's here. I'm fed up and have shouted at him (when he complained).

He's 14.

Tell me IANBU?

I am asking because DH will never back me up on these things. He'll just say the he (DH) will do it later. Aaargh.

Whoever made the mess should clean it up. Especially seeing as he has a friend round, let him do it once the friend has left.

I think YABVU, OP. But it depends on how your household runs, I wouldn't dream of making DC clean up a mess I created.

Really, @mollibu? I'd cooked for everyone (including DS) and thought it quite reasonable for him to clear up after the meal....

I wouldn't have shouted at him in front of his mate - that's unfair imo. It's nothing to do with his mate and it's not nice to listen to your friends get shouted at by their parents, so YABU on that part.

However, YANBU to expect him to clear up - but I would have made him do it before he went out in the first place. He could have text his friend to say he was running late.

Yes, you are. He's 14 and has a mate round. Why would he want to spend the time cleaning the kitchen?
My mother was like this and it was mortifying.

@WashUpFFS

Really, *@mollibu*? I'd cooked for everyone (including DS) and thought it quite reasonable for him to clear up after the meal....

Well clearly he didn't, or you wouldn't be where you are now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmm, OK, I'm listening....

Yes I agree YABU. I don't have an issue in principle with you getting him to clear up but to shout at him in front of his friend was rude.

Who is 'everyone' that was cooked for and why was it ds selected to do the clean up?

@vanillandhoney

I wouldn't have shouted at him in front of his mate - that's unfair imo. It's nothing to do with his mate and it's not nice to listen to your friends get shouted at by their parents, so YABU on that part.

However, YANBU to expect him to clear up - but I would have made him do it before he went out in the first place. He could have text his friend to say he was running late.

Totally agree

OK, I am hearing you all.

I know tit for tat isn't great, but surely he started the rudeness by refusing/sulking when I asked?
(Also, not sure if this is important drip feed, but he DID have time after the meal before he left. He was just mucking about not doing what I'd asked him to).

I actually didn't shout in front of friend, as friend was in his room playing PS4, and DS was downstairs raiding the cupboards.

I would let him do it later. I am quite soft. But imagine if he cooked for you and asked you to clean up while you had a friend round. It's kind of impolite to the friend no?

Op did you actually just say “but he started it”

Really have a think about that.

And yes, of course it’s thoroughly unreasonable to ask him to do it when. A friend is there and to them shout at him in front of the friend.

Were you never young once? Did your mother do that to you? Shout at you in front of your friends, make you clean up when they were there? And come out with thr line “well she started it” when challenged?

@WashUpFFS

Really, *@mollibu*? I'd cooked for everyone (including DS) and thought it quite reasonable for him to clear up after the meal....

Could the other people eating not have tidied up seeing as DS had plans to go meet a friend? Or maybe you could've tidied up as you went along. (I find this the easiest... no shouting to be had after meals)

Well, I have to admit this is going the opposite way to what I'd thought. I'm really trying to get him to take some responsibility for housework (e.g., when one person cooks, someone else clears up; when we've eaten, we clear the kitchen) and it's a bit of a battle. Maybe I'm expecting too much (though I'm a bit horrified if I am, as the kids do very little here).

I know tit for tat isn't great, but surely he started the rudeness by refusing/sulking when I asked?

He's fourteen years old! You're meant to be the parent here.

Why on earth would you pick a fight over cleaning the kitchen with a 14yo when he had a friend over? That's a whole new level of petty.

If it was so important, you shouldn't have let him go out without getting it done. As it stands, I would do it myself, and get him to clear up after dinner or do a different chore as a trade instead. It's just not worth fighting over.

To clarify, clearing up in this case was loading some plates into the dishwasher. It took less than 5 minutes.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do it - but agree I wouldn't insist while his friend was there.

I think you’re quite right. He was trying to get out of it. Next time he’ll donut before he goes out.

Well surely the lesson is, if you do something the first time you're asked, then you don't get embarrassed when you're asked again later in front of your friend?

And surely it's a universal rule - if you cook, the family members for whom you have cooked clean up?

I think you're entirely reasonable OP, and I bloody hope you're not going to cook him dinner unless he cleans up from lunch first...

@WashUpFFS

Well, I have to admit this is going the opposite way to what I'd thought. I'm really trying to get him to take some responsibility for housework (e.g., when one person cooks, someone else clears up; when we've eaten, we clear the kitchen) and it's a bit of a battle. Maybe I'm expecting too much (though I'm a bit horrified if I am, as the kids do very little here).

If you want him to take responsibility, then the time to do it was before he went out. Embarrassing him in front of his friend isn't the right way to go about making teenagers do housework!

Surely someone else could clean up and he could do something else? At 14yo he should be helping out a lot anyway, surely?

*do it

Donut???

@WashUpFFS

To clarify, clearing up in this case was loading some plates into the dishwasher. It took less than 5 minutes.

So why didn't you get him to do it before he went out?

As it stands, I would do it myself, and get him to clear up after dinner or do a different chore as a trade instead. It's just not worth fighting over.

Ah, as it happens, this was already a traded task, as he'd failed to hoover when I asked him yesterday (and I gave him a whole day to do it).

@WashUpFFS

As it stands, I would do it myself, and get him to clear up after dinner or do a different chore as a trade instead. It's just not worth fighting over.

Ah, as it happens, this was already a traded task, as he'd failed to hoover when I asked him yesterday (and I gave him a whole day to do it).

Then I think the problem is you let him get away with "I'll do it later".

Why are there no consequences? I would be saying "well, until you do it, there's no wifi/xbox/dinner".