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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS clear up the kitchen...

106 replies

WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:14

...while his friend is here?

He was asked to clear up from lunch (which was made by me). He "didn't have time" to clear up afterwards as he was dashing out to meet a friend. He's now back, with the friend, and I'm insisting that he does it now. I'm working (from home). He's treating my insistence as thoroughly unreasonable as his mate's here. I'm fed up and have shouted at him (when he complained).

He's 14.

Tell me IANBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:44

So why didn't you get him to do it before he went out?
Because his friend was going to be waiting on the corner of the street, and I don't like the idea of him having to loiter.

OP posts:
Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:45

Then I think the problem is you let him get away with "I'll do it later".

Why are there no consequences? I would be saying "well, until you do it, there's no wifi/xbox/dinner".

This WAS the consequence, surely? The task still awaiting him on his return...

OP posts:
Magicbabywaves · 19/09/2020 17:47

I’m surprised at these responses. Seems people have very low expectations of their teenagers. You need to get your DH to back you up too otherwise you’re being cast in the role of ‘nagging woman’ whilst your son ignores you.

MsEllany · 19/09/2020 17:49

Now my boys are older, it’s their responsibility to clear the table after meals and load the dishwasher. That’s it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have clear expectations like that, especially for a boy of 14, and I also think it’s not the worst thing in the world to be embarrassed in front of a friend. All he needed to do was load the dishwasher. Like you say it takes five minutes.

I think it would be a ‘congratulations DS, this is now your job for every meal’. And as for the friend being embarrassed - well, he should be embarrassed that his mate can’t be arsed to clear a few plates away after having lunch made for him, and has to be told off like a child by his mum.

Sidewinder30 · 19/09/2020 17:49

YANBU. You are not the maid and cook. He is 14, well old enough to clean up some dishes before heading out. And to do the hoovering you asked him to. As he didn't do what you asked, you told him it needed to be done while the friend waited. Fair enough.

HMSSophie · 19/09/2020 17:50

I had a DS like that at that age. Every bloody thing I ever asked him to do - bring down his washing, carry in his coke bottles from the car, put his plates in the dishwasher - was met with either "hmmmph, later alright mum?" Or silence. So I totally understand that the bigger issue for you re his friend being round, was the undone (again) jobs. But for him it would have been mortifying and you probably haven't helped him want to help you, if that makes sense.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 17:52

@WashUpFFS

Then I think the problem is you let him get away with "I'll do it later".

Why are there no consequences? I would be saying "well, until you do it, there's no wifi/xbox/dinner".

This WAS the consequence, surely? The task still awaiting him on his return...

I don't think that's really a consequence. That's just him having to do the task he was supposed to do anyway.

To me, consequences are not being able to do things you want, because you haven't done what you should. So when he didn't want to hoover, just say "fine, but until you do, no screen time or going out". With the dishes scenario, just say "fine, then you can't go out with your friends".

nestisflown · 19/09/2020 17:53

Yanbu to insist he does his chores.

Yab a bit U to expect him to do it while his friend is there.

Like others have said the easiest thing would have been to make him do it before he goes out.

And since it was a traded chore already, the easiest thing to avoid today’s battle would have been to turn off the WiFi last night until he hoovered.

But what do I know? I don’t have a teenager so I’m sure I have all the ideas now, but will be exactly where you are in a few years’ time.

Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:58

Oh, thank you so much for the understanding responses Flowers

OP posts:
Shosha1 · 19/09/2020 17:58

No your not. Maybe next time he will do it the first time you ask.

So many women on here complain that they have husbsnds that don't do anything in the house.

That is because they were never made to do things by their mothers.

He is 14. He was asked when he had time. He didn't do it. So he pays the consequences and does it when he comes back whether his friend was there or not.

And why should you do it. You had already cooked. Why should you clean up as well.

Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:58

(and all the responses!)

OP posts:
katy1213 · 19/09/2020 18:00

Well, if he'd done it in the first place, he wouldn't have been embarrassed in front of his friend. And I wouldn't be letting him rummage for snacks - to feed the friend? - until he'd done the job I'd requested. He wanted to do it later and now later is inconveniencing him more than anyone else.

Sidewinder30 · 19/09/2020 18:00

It's not a battle to avoid. Clearing up when it's your turn to do so should just happen, no arguments.

In 10 years, ds' future dp will be on here complaining that he does no housework and leaves it all to her. Posters like @mollibu will be on hand to advise her to tidy as she goes and not to argue over dishes.

Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:00

So many women on here complain that they have husbsnds that don't do anything in the house.

@Shosha1, this is precisely what freaks me out. And DH (whose mum did everything) doesn't get it at all. I'm really trying to not give him the impression that if he just leaves it someone else will do it. Having failed with the hoovering, I doubled down on it today.

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1Morewineplease · 19/09/2020 18:01

When I cook , ' someone else' stacks the dishwasher after we've eaten.
If your son was expected to load the dishwasher then he should have done it.

However, he chose to dash off to meet a friend and bring the friend back.
I'd have been annoyed but I'd have loaded the dishwasher ( or asked 'someone else') and I'd have had a word with my son after the friend had gone and maybe given him a different chore to make up for it.

I wouldn't have scolded him in front of his friend. That would have been embarrassing for my son and toe-curling for his friend. I'd be concerned that his friend might be reluctant to come back again as he might think that you have an awkward household.
I also hope that this friend won't say anything at school to your son's other friends about your son being henpecked at home.

I think you've boobed this time, but try to remember to not create a scene in front of visitors.

We've all been there in one way or another.

Zany15 · 19/09/2020 18:01

You were absolutely right. But, he should have cleared away before being allowed to go out.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 18:03

@Sidewinder30

It's not a battle to avoid. Clearing up when it's your turn to do so should just happen, no arguments.

In 10 years, ds' future dp will be on here complaining that he does no housework and leaves it all to her. Posters like @mollibu will be on hand to advise her to tidy as she goes and not to argue over dishes.

I don't think that's fair at all.

Nobody here has said he shouldn't do his fair share. They're saying he should have done it before he went out. It should never have reached the point of embarrassing him in front of his friends.

If he won't do his chores, he doesn't get to see his friends. He already got away with refusing to do the hoovering yesterday as there wasn't a consequence in place for him!

mollibu · 19/09/2020 18:05

@Sidewinder30

It's not a battle to avoid. Clearing up when it's your turn to do so should just happen, no arguments.

In 10 years, ds' future dp will be on here complaining that he does no housework and leaves it all to her. Posters like @mollibu will be on hand to advise her to tidy as she goes and not to argue over dishes.

Oh yes. Because that's definitely going to happen Hmm life's too short to be shouting in front of DCs friends over dirty dishes!
Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:06

I probably didn't deal with it in he best possible way, it's true.

But I am working today, and have cooked, taken the dog out, done the laundry, etc. So when the one task I allocated to DS (whom I'm trying to aid to become a responsible cohabiter for all the reasons people have mentioned) was not done (and yes, I should have insisted before he went, but I really hate the idea of another child having to loiter on a street corner waiting for him), I was exasperated.

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Shosha1 · 19/09/2020 18:06

#1Morewineplease. Do you really think that!.
Ner wonder boys grow up into men that off load all chores onto others, just incase they are labelled henpecked.
For God sake. Expect our sons to act like decent human beings who pull their weight in all things in life and they will grow up to be decent human beings.

Mollycoddle them into being able to only do what they want you do and you end up with manchildren.

FlamedToACrisp · 19/09/2020 18:07

YABU to put his friend in an embarrassing situation. Some families shout all the time and it's nothing, but in others it means World War III.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/09/2020 18:08

I don’t think you were unreasonable. You asked him to do it before he went out, he didn’t. So now he has to do whilst his friend is over.
Its a 5mins job. It will teach him to do it when asked next time.

Shosha1 · 19/09/2020 18:09

Maybe the friend also got the lesson to just get on with your chores when you are asked.

Love51 · 19/09/2020 18:09

I'd take a logical consequence - you can't start the next meal / snack until you have finished the last one, including clearing up.
I don't think you should back down - yesterday asked to hoover, CBA. Today asked to clear up, wanted to meet a friend. Asked again, CBA. You are expending a lot of energy asking him to do stuff and getting nowhere. I tell my son he gets extra jobs for wasting my time arguing (he is 7, and finding his voice a lot!). Your son has had plenty of opportunities, let's hope he learns to get on with the housework before mum makes a scene!

Original poster
WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:11

Nobody here has said he shouldn't do his fair share. They're saying he should have done it before he went out.

Out of interest, @vanillandhoney, what do you think I should have done about the friend waiting on a street corner for him? Genuine question. Should I have made DS make him wait? I'm not sure I'd like another mum to do that to my DS, but maybe it's the lesser of the evils.

OP posts: