Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To make DS clear up the kitchen...

106 replies

WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 17:14

...while his friend is here?

He was asked to clear up from lunch (which was made by me). He "didn't have time" to clear up afterwards as he was dashing out to meet a friend. He's now back, with the friend, and I'm insisting that he does it now. I'm working (from home). He's treating my insistence as thoroughly unreasonable as his mate's here. I'm fed up and have shouted at him (when he complained).

He's 14.

Tell me IANBU?

OP posts:

IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp · 19/09/2020 18:11

MN always say "pick your battles" and I agree (this is one I would pick actually) but I also think parents of teenagers need to pick their moments.

I have a teen very similar and pretty much all our conversations included "I was just about to do it" and "I'll do it later". Every single fucking time. Rinse and fucking repeat.

I had an epiphany when he asked if I could put some money on his school fingerprint thing (for food and drinks, I usually do it on a Monday but had forgotten). I said "mmm I'll do it later" and when he asked I again I said "I was just about to do it". I enjoyed that and spun it out as long as I could He seemed to learn his lesson.

Although DH has another tactic and after asking a different DS again and again to clean the bathroom without success, the next time DS went in there, DH held the door from the outside so he couldn't get out until he had cleaned. Annoyingly that tactic also worked but they laughed a lot and as usual DH is the fun parent

So I don't really have much advice but I wouldn't embarrass them in front of their mates tbh. I'd pick my moment and try and find a similar situation where he has to wait upon you for something (lifts if you give them? Pocket money?) and try and make the point.

Mine can still be a bit of a fucking nightmare though so feel free to ignore me

mollibu · 19/09/2020 18:14

@WashUpFFS

OK, I am hearing you all.

I know tit for tat isn't great, but surely he started the rudeness by refusing/sulking when I asked?
(Also, not sure if this is important drip feed, but he DID have time after the meal before he left. He was just mucking about not doing what I'd asked him to).

I actually didn't shout in front of friend, as friend was in his room playing PS4, and DS was downstairs raiding the cupboards.

You said he did have time before he left. Why would his friend be alone on a street corner?

Rosebel · 19/09/2020 18:14

Bit mean in front of his friend but did he invite his friend round hoping you wouldn't say anything?
Totally reasonable for him to clean up as you made the meal. I make my teenagers clear up from meals and yes they whinge and complain but I'm not their slave and you aren't your sons.

Original poster

WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:14

To those worrying about the friend, a) he was in a different part of the house, and b) he's just asked me if he can stay here late, and if I'll get them some pizza. I think he's fine

OP posts:

IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp · 19/09/2020 18:16

Oooh I hate the word henpecked. And nagging. And bossy. And hysterical. And lots more.

Usually used by men against women who are displaying behaviour they don't like eg telling them repeatedly to clean up their shit.

This is why we need to beat these kind of lessons into our DC so they don't grow up to be like this.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 18:16

@WashUpFFS

Nobody here has said he shouldn't do his fair share. They're saying he should have done it before he went out.

Out of interest, @vanillandhoney, what do you think I should have done about the friend waiting on a street corner for him? Genuine question. Should I have made DS make him wait? I'm not sure I'd like another mum to do that to my DS, but maybe it's the lesser of the evils.

Yes, I'd absolutely make him wait! They're 14 years old and it was lunchtime. A 14yo boy is more than capable of standing on a street corner waiting for a friend for a few minutes.

I'm not meaning to be harsh (sorry if it comes across that way) but it doesn't seem like there's any consequences for DS if he doesn't do anything. He just gets to leave it and do what he wants anyway.

There is no way on earth my parents would have let me go out if there was chores I should have done instead. If I'd said "well, Sarah will be waiting" the answer would be "well, the quicker you get this done, then the less time Sarah will have to wait!".

Original poster

WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:17

You said he did have time before he left. Why would his friend be alone on a street corner?

He chose to use that time mucking about with his trainers or something. Then he suddenly announced "oh god, X is waiting for me!!". I was not party to what time they were meeting. I asked him to clear up, he loafed around saying "in a minute" for bloody ages, then announced that he was late.

OP posts:

IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp · 19/09/2020 18:18

And yes his mate can wait. If it's a five minute quick job what's the difference? They have phones these days he could have texted him.

He is making his friend wait, not you after all. His behaviour. Not yours.

Spiderbaby8 · 19/09/2020 18:18

It would probably depend on whether it was a friend they often met with and they were constantly using that as an excuse, but as a one off I wouldn't make a big issue out of it.

Original poster

WashUpFFS · 19/09/2020 18:18

Fair enough, @vanillandhoney. I will take note...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 19/09/2020 18:35

@Sidewinder30

It's not a battle to avoid. Clearing up when it's your turn to do so should just happen, no arguments.

In 10 years, ds' future dp will be on here complaining that he does no housework and leaves it all to her. Posters like @mollibu will be on hand to advise her to tidy as she goes and not to argue over dishes.

Exfuckingactly.

you can see what kind of husband's some people posting on here are churning out of their sons. Ridiculous.

I'd let it go for today but I'd be telling him from tomorrow things will be different. There would be no internet or phone or anything else he's accustomed to until he's done his chores. It's a battle worth having.

Bourbonbiccy · 19/09/2020 18:44

I think YABU, if you wanted him to clear it up, you should have insisted that before he left the house, not let home out then insist this is done while his mate is there.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 19/09/2020 18:59

I don't think YABU at ALL.

Trying to get teenagers to do household tasks is a fucking nightmare. You have every right to demand help when you cooked the meal.

I wouldn't have done in front of his mate though, that's all.

LannieDuck · 19/09/2020 19:04

I don't think you were unreasonable. He shouldn't get the impression he can get out of chores by putting them all off until later (when the magic dishwasher fairy will do it for him).

I agree with PPs - this is a battle worth fighting.

BluebellsGreenbells · 19/09/2020 19:10

I don’t see an issue with DS friend being kept waiting. A 14 year old lad is perfectly capable of standing up for 5 minuets without assistance.

InFiveMins · 19/09/2020 19:17

YABU. He's 14 and with a friend, let him have fun with his friend without having to bother with chores.

tenlittlecygnets · 19/09/2020 19:25

I’m really surprised by some of these responses!

Of course you’re not being U by asking your TEEN to tidy the kitchen. If he was going out, he should have tidied straight after lunch, not fancied around.

Bloody hell, he should be cooking, doing washing, learning adult life skills too!

I would not have asked him to do it in front of friend, but I would have made him do it before he’d gone out, and had a chat about you working, cooking etc., and everyone doing their bit!

1Morewineplease · 19/09/2020 19:52

@Shosha1

#1Morewineplease. Do you really think that!. Ner wonder boys grow up into men that off load all chores onto others, just incase they are labelled henpecked. For God sake. Expect our sons to act like decent human beings who pull their weight in all things in life and they will grow up to be decent human beings.

Mollycoddle them into being able to only do what they want you do and you end up with manchildren.

I'm sorry that you didn't understand what I was saying.

IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp · 19/09/2020 20:16

"So many women on here complain that they have husbsnds that don't do anything in the house.

That is because they were never made to do things by their mothers"

@Shosha1 "mothers" please don't just blame mothers, as though only women are solely responsible for any shortcomings in men, for not bringing them up correctly and failing at teaching them household skills...it's not automatically a woman's fault somewhere along the line when there is an inept man who can't load a fucking dishwasher...

IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp · 19/09/2020 20:17

"I'm sorry that you didn't understand what I was saying"

Also @1Morewineplease props to you for a wonderful MN style pass agg apology Love it.

Spiderbaby8 · 19/09/2020 20:24

@IWantToBeMelissaWhenIGrowUp

"So many women on here complain that they have husbsnds that don't do anything in the house.

That is because they were never made to do things by their mothers"

@Shosha1 "mothers" please don't just blame mothers, as though only women are solely responsible for any shortcomings in men, for not bringing them up correctly and failing at teaching them household skills...it's not automatically a woman's fault somewhere along the line when there is an inept man who can't load a fucking dishwasher...

Yep, I didn't have a tonne of structured chores growing up but somehow I still managed to look after myself and keep a clean home. It seems some weird cop out to me when people say mothers are to blame for useless adult men.

Brefugee · 19/09/2020 20:27

I guess the everyone you cooked for was the rest of the family?
You should have made him do it before he left. And probably you could have cleared up this time and then put him on clearing up duty after every meal for 2 weeks. And stand over him until it's done.

frazzledasarock · 19/09/2020 20:29

Nah I’d have made him tidy right after the meal. He’d not be having friends over in hurry if I got that attitude.

I’m a monster, my kids have chores and I don’t tidy up after cooking it’s ones of their chores. Household cleaning is a joint chore everyone pitches in. All dc do their own laundry except the very young.

I’m the main cook, someone else does the dishes.

I’d totally embarrass my dc in front of their friends if they were giving me attitude in front of their friends. They’d not try that again on me.

Totickleamockingbird · 19/09/2020 20:34

is his mate stopping him from tidying? YANBU.

VinylDetective · 19/09/2020 20:37

I’m absolutely astonished that you could look at dirty dishes on the table all afternoon. I couldn’t. I’d just have done it myself. This all sounds like incredibly tedious hard work to me.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5