To make DS clear up the kitchen...

[WashUpFFS]

...while his friend is here?

He was asked to clear up from lunch (which was made by me). He "didn't have time" to clear up afterwards as he was dashing out to meet a friend. He's now back, with the friend, and I'm insisting that he does it now. I'm working (from home). He's treating my insistence as thoroughly unreasonable as his mate's here. I'm fed up and have shouted at him (when he complained).

He's 14.

Tell me IANBU?

I'm really shocked by these responses. If he messed about and didn't tidy then of course he should have done it when he got back. I agree it would have been unreasonable to let the df wait on the corner alone because ds hadn't bothered thus far. As for who makes the mess tidys it - we run an entirely different system in our home and who ever cooks does not clean up. At 14 he should definitely be contributing regardless of having a friend around

I wouldn't dream of making DC clean up a mess I created.

Some of the responses on this thread are just bonkers!

I fully expect that, if I cook a family meal, someone else clears away afterwards.

I think you need to make the boundaries a bit firmer and clearer.

If you ask him to hoover and he hasn't done it by the end of the day, the wifi goes off until it's done. Letting that slide and then giving placing a different demand on him the next day gives mixed messages.

I understand why you let him meet the friend on time as it wouldn't be fair to the friend to leave them waiting. However, I would then have waited until after the friend had gone and then expected him to clear up and I would have made it clear that this was going to happen before he left.

In future, when you ask him to do something, he needs to do it by a specific time or he loses a privilege until it's done. Don't back down or move the goalposts. It's harder work but it makes all the difference.

I don't think it's a great idea to risk embarrassing them in front of their mates. My parents did that to me and it just became another thing that made me resentful of them, along with a long list of other things.

You can be respectful and kind as well as implementing firm, clear boundaries.

YANBU!! Not gonna kill him, takes 5 minutes, teaches him responsibility, teaches him what ever way he tries to get around it, it won’t work.

Good for you OP

@WashUpFFS i dont think your wrong.

My brother and i had to take turn doing dishes etc after my mum or dad cooked. This was for pocket money when younger. However we still were expected to do it after 15 when we had weekend jobs.

If it had been my turn and I'd rushed out without doing it, my parents would expect me to do it on return. They would have asked me in front of friends. And i had been at friends when their parents did the same thing.

Your son is old enough to take responsibility and help out.

Wow! I can't believe some of the responses on here.

The OP has said it a 5 minute job and he DID have time before he went to meet his friend, instead, he chose to muck about instead.

Of course the OP was right to insist he did it whilst his friend was there - he had the chance to do it before he went to meet his friend and didn't so that's his own fault!

@VinylDetective

I’m absolutely astonished that you could look at dirty dishes on the table all afternoon. I couldn’t. I’d just have done it myself. This all sounds like incredibly tedious hard work to me.

@VinylDetective but that doesn't teach her son responsibility does it? He was asked to do something, he should do it.

yanbu at all.

in future when he has plans to meet a friend he needs to take into account any chores he has to do before arranging a meeting time.

teaching him that chores don't magically disappear, or get done by someone else, if you yourself have more fun things planned, is a really important lesson to learn and good parenting.

the only thing you might have done better ie that when he "didn't have time" before going out, warning him that he would still have to do it when he comes back come hell or high water- that would have been kind. that might be your lesson to learn for next time.

I would ask him and his friend to do it together. Many hand make light work and that. Also they will have a laugh while doing it, they can stick some music on.

Not unreasonable at all op

I would have just done it. He's 14 and wants to be with his mate. I'm not saying this is the right way to do it

I also hope that this friend won't say anything at school to your son's other friends about your son being henpecked at home. Because it would be SO terrible to have your friends know your Mum had asked you to load some plates in a dishwasher- the fact this is seen as ‘hen pecking’ is so depressing.

I’m glad the voting went on the whole in your favour OP, some of the early responses were bizarre to me. ‘Whoever makes the mess should clean up’ -what!? So someone spends hours in the kitchen preparing a meal while their family have their feet up and as the cook technically made the mess they should also clear up?

I don’t think shouting at a fourteen year old is ever going to be helpful (but appreciate you could be saying that meaning you had cross words really)- I definitely would have said firmly to him when he came home- can you stick those plates in the dishwasher now please- to be honest it’s up to him then whether he quickly does it while making his mate a drink which wouldn’t have been a big deal, or made a huge fuss about it which is on his head.

I think whoever made the mess (you) should clean up the mess you made. I always try to clean up as I go, DH usually leaves a mess which I end up cleaning up. Telling him to clean the kitchen when his friend was there was unreasonable.

Op there is nothing wrong with what you’re asking your son to do. What
People are telling you is wrong is your approach. The timing. Not the fact he had to tidy up the kitchen.

I think however you know that, and are just pissed so turning it into this dramatic “oh I’m trying to get him to grow up to be w reasonable co habiter”

Really? So when he shouts at his partner or house mates when they have guests to get the kitchen clearer you will think, yup, I taught him that? All proud?

Another one who cant believe the bonkers responses on here. Why cant he loads dishwasher in front of his mate? Is it demeaning to his ego or something? In which case, mate had better get off then, hadnt he.

Next time he doesnt get to go anywhere before his chores are done. You're raising a man here, not a pampered princeling.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Another one who cant believe the bonkers responses on here. Why cant he loads dishwasher in front of his mate? Is it demeaning to his ego or something? In which case, mate had better get off then, hadnt he.

Next time he doesnt get to go anywhere before his chores are done. You're raising a man here, not a pampered princeling.

Love posts like this.

“My opinion is the only one which matters. Everyone else is just bonkers”

😂😂😂

Thanks all for the posts. Especially the encouraging ones, and those which have been wise and kind about the messiness, mistakes and imperfection of parenting teenagers [grimace]

@RoseGoldEagle, you've made me realise that I should have defined "shouting" (my shouting could also have been described as an "insistent slight raising of voice" when he tried to refuse to do it). But no matter.

I do need to be firmer in general, which will reduce the possibility of getting to final straw stage in future. And I probably should have insisted he did the kitchen before he went out (though I still feel uncomfortable that the friend would be waiting). Anyway, this thread has helped me in my resolve to make sure DS does his bloody chores. It's definitely "a thing" for me at the moment (as I attempt to not rush around clearing up after perfectly capable people, whilst I work full time and they play PS4 full.time). New day, new loads of laundry... the battle is on.

Thanks again to all

I’m absolutely astonished that you could look at dirty dishes on the table all afternoon. I couldn’t. I’d just have done it myself. This all sounds like incredibly tedious hard work to me

Yes, parenting teens and getting them to do jobs they don't want to can be tedious and hard work, but it's even more tedious and hard work trying to introduce things like this in later years and it's also tedious and hard work doing all the chores yourself. This option in the long run is probably the least so.

He should definitely be doing his own laundry

I’m absolutely astonished that you could look at dirty dishes on the table all afternoon. I couldn’t. I’d just have done it myself. This all sounds like incredibly tedious hard work to me

Oh yes, this did make me laugh. Good for you. You'd be "absolutely astonished" at the state of our house frequently, I fear....

I think, in this position, when he was facing about after eating I would have said "you need to clear the kitchen before you go out, or else you can't go"
When he went to leave and it hadn't been done, I would've reminded him of what was said.

If it still hadn't been done, and he returned with his friend, I would've said "don't forget you need to tidy the kitchen before you can go on the x box/whatever they were doing" (not said in front of his friend) and stuck to this.

Chores should be done and stuck to, no matter how menial or trivial they are thought to be. They are not negotiating situations, just basic jobs to be done and should be considered no different to getting washed and brushing teeth (IMO)

KOKO OP, it's worth it in the end.

And don't let your DH opt out either. He should be a key part of the teen training program, as well as leading by example...

I wonder how many people here in this thread have teens?
Bollocks to me cleaning up every mess I make, since I cook every bloody meal the rest of the perfectly capable sentient beings in this house can help with clearing up.
My kids have an easy enough life, all they have to do is bring their dirty plates through, scrape them off into food recycling, and pop them in the dishwasher. Someone gets to help lay the table, someone helps clear serving stuff, someone wipes the sides and table, and someone runs the hoover round. Each job takes 5 Min or less but if it were me on my own it would be half an hour.

I would probably ask son to do it in front of his friend. I don't see why it's horrifying to ask a 14 year old to help clear up. I would just say to the friend "Sorry, Simon, Bill didn't get time to do this earlier, why don't you make a couple of drinks while Bill quickly stacks the washer then the two of you can go and do your thing unhassled".

As I become a more experienced parent I realise more and more that good parenting is not about doing everything for your kids, but about enabling them to do stuff for themselves.

"Porcupineinwaiting
Another one who cant believe the bonkers responses on here. Why cant he loads dishwasher in front of his mate? Is it demeaning to his ego or something? In which case, mate had better get off then, hadnt he.

Next time he doesnt get to go anywhere before his chores are done. You're raising a man here, not a pampered princeling.
Love posts like this.

“My opinion is the only one which matters. Everyone else is just bonkers”

😂😂😂"

And you see no irony at all in the post @Bluntness100?

Amazing

YANBU at all OP, there are a lot of people on MN who advocate being extremely soft with kids and will paint you out to be a monster for not doing it.

Some unbelievable responses on here.

Time and time again, we hear women in here complaining about their lazy, mummy-boys DP's and DH's who do nothing round the house and leave it all to their wives.

THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS!!!

If you don't teach your sons from an early age to take responsibility, then you are setting them up to fail as decent men.

OP you are definitely NOT being unreasonable. My 15 year old DS wouldn't have even left the house to go and meet his friend if he hadn't washed the pots, especially if it was a 5 minute job.

My DS has done 'jobs' in front of his friends and they were quite shocked as their parents don't ask them to do anything. My DS's response to them was 'You are lazy gits, is your Mum raising a wimp or a man?'