Am I? Flatmate beef

[AuntieJoyce]

DD has been living with me during lockdown and has recently returned to her London shared flat (2 people). During the last 6 months there has been a change in the flatmate and new flatmate has had the place to herself for three months. DD has been paying her rent and half the bills throughout.

Now DD is back, things are kicking off and I have offered to get the MN opinion as she is not on MN. Sorry seem to have lost ability to set up voting (is this a premium thing now?)

DD is working three days in office, two days in flat whilst sitting in the living room. Flatmate has had a go at her as she can't hold patient calls whilst DD is working in the lounge and it is apparently unprofessional to hold these in her bedroom. So far so missing the irony of making DD work in her bedroom instead. DD has a few calls but both of us have worked comfortably in one room for 6 months, using headsets when we need to be confidential.

Today it has kicked off again. DD has an ensuite and pays £200 more than flatmate for her room because of this. Flatmate has use of house bathroom. DD used the flat bathroom today as she was in the middle of cleaning hers and needed to go.

Flatmate has now texted and asked her not to use "her bathroom". DD has pointed out respectfully that it is not "her bathroom" it is on the landing for both to use. Flatmate says "given yours is attached to your room there is no need to use the other one"

This isn't us is it?

@zingally

Your DD shouldn't have used the bathroom. That's not on. She has the en-suite, and therefore the understanding is that the other is for the flatmate. Your DD is paying for the privacy of an en-suite, that's all.

Surely the flatmate can then be charged extra for having a private bathroom (just like OP’s DD is being).

I’d guess the shared bathroom has a bath and the en-suite a shower? So anyone wanting a bath used the shared bathroom. I’d be having a bath a couple of times a week, if that’s the case.

None of them should use the shared area for their personal work unless they've set up a rota for it or have agreed when it's happening in advance or something.

It's possible to use a bedroom for calls etc. Just move stuff around somehow, at least when you're about to have a call and you can make a bit of the room presentable.

The bathroom thing is not ok tho and the flatmate is talking shit about that and annoying. I would move.

Flatmate IBU to expect exclusive use of the lounge.
DD IBU to use both bathrooms when she has her own.

They are both BU not to talk this out and compromise like adults but instead to send notes and complain to their mum.

@GoldfishParade

The daughter pays an extra £200 for the en-suite. Why is it then fair that the other flatmate gets the bathroom at no extra cost!

As regards the flatmate insisting on the Lounge why does her possibly working in a medical capacity matter! I wouldn’t care what the background was like as long as I was talking to her

Op. Your daughter maybe needs to suggest to the flatmate that if she wants the bathroom as hers then that’s fine they split the rent down the middle. Perhaps they also share the lounge with the other working in their room when on calls. Shouldn’t be difficult to sort

Beef? Is it 2002 and you're 13?

Oh God above but I hate flat sharing. Worst ever experience was when I moved in with a couple who would hog the living room sofa in the evenings, cuddling up to each other, watching whatever. I was stuck in a single room with no tv/laptop. Moved out very swiftly!

I feel that the main bathroom is communal (reflected in cheaper price of room). Guests would have to use it, so it's not 'her' bathroom.

As housemate gets sole use of living room 3 days, your dd should get sole use of living room for 2 days at least!

I'm on the side of your dd.

I love how this has become about the merits of a wee before bleaching

DD unfortunately signed up to 12 month contract in February. A month later and she could have saved herself 6 grand but such is life

Got to dive off now but appreciate all the comments. Even from the PP who thinks I am Mad Coddling Parent. Maybe I am

DD used the flat bathroom today as she was in the middle of cleaning hers and needed to go.

Er, just go as normal? Why couldn't she use her own??

They need to sit down and reach a compromise or the flat mate looks for somewhere else. It doesn't sound like they are compatible to share a flat.

Do they both clean the "communal" bathroom?

Flatmate is unreasonable. For patient calls, she can put on a background which is neutral so the room she uses is irrelevant or she can site her device to show a plain wall in the bedroom.

DD bit unreasonable about the lounge if she doesnt need to make confidential calls. She could flex a bit to help the flatmate.

Flatmate totally unreasonable about the bathroom. Unless she also pays extra for exclusive use then it is a shared bathroom.

If both in communal areas are for both to use as and when they want. If flat mate needs privacy she either needs to book calls for when your dd is in office or use her private bedroom.
Bathroom I can see why flatmate want exclusive use as presumably shes cleaned it and paid for the soap etc in there but lease probably still classes this as communal so technically your dd not in wrong for using it but in an already strained relationship its adding to tensions.
They need a sit down calm flat meeting to deal with issues now both living there as others say flatmate got used to living alone not in a flat share.

My starting point with this is that the living room is communal space - and it is living space. It is where the occupants of the flat relax and socialise (in normal times). It is not an office and can never be considered private space.

e.g. If your dd had a day off and wanted to watch TV all day, practise a musical instrument, or do some reading, craft activity etc in her living room, that would be perfectly fine and normal. Covid-times and working from home do mean she'd need to be considerate of noise levels but that's all.

Also, is the living room completely separate from the kitchen and dining space? I'd want to be able to make drinks, snacks and eat lunch, in my own home, at my dining table, at times that suit me - and for this to be a relaxing break from work, not tiptoeing around someone else's 'office'.

So, if anyone wants to work in the living room, for any period of time, they need the agreement of the other person, before they do it. The obvious thing would be to talk through their preferences and make a rota.

The presumption on working from home must be that, as an anti-social activity, especially if a private activity, it must be done in bedrooms, as they are the only private space. (The flatmate can easily choose a suitable alignment or background to make her calls look professional, that excuse is pure twaddle).

All those posters saying she has no need to use main bathroom, it doesn't matter whether there is a 'need' she can because it is part of communal facilities! And I would expect my visitors to use it rather than going through my bedroom.

I agree about both working in bedroom unless other person out. I would be booking time off work and watching TV all day to force the point home.

She is a CF indeed

@ZoeTurtle😂

But yes, bottom line is they need to sit down together and TALK.

There's too much information missing to know who is being unreasonable. Does your dd have space to work in her bedroom? Can your dd go into her room whilst the flat mate makes her phone calls? Can the flatmate configure the space so it not obvious she's in a bedroom?

I think the flatmate who wants the living room to take patient calls is BU. You can't move in to a shared house where everyone is paying and expect to tell people which rooms to use or not use.

I've lived in shared accommodation and if a flat mate had asked me and explained they needed the living room for an hour or so everyday, I would have been happy to keep out of their way. However it should not be expected for everyone to oblige.

With the bathroom, unless stated in the contract, everyone can use it whether the flatmate likes it or not unfortunately

Flatmate is way out of order. DD pays for use of own bedroom, own bathroom, shared living room, shared kitchen and shared bathroom. By paying £200 a month less, flatmate gets less space (i.e. own bedroom, shared living room, shared kitchen, shared bathroom).

If DD doesn't have a problem with sharing the living room then it's not really her problem. Its probably best to find some sort of compromise. Maybe when on video calls, use the living room and bedroom rest of time. Or both work in the living room and the other one goes to their bedroom to make a call.

Bedrooms with ensuites can be smaller than those without as the ensuite is cut out from a corner of the room.

I can understand both POVs but as PPs have stated the new flatmate has got into her own routine for three months and they made a mistake in not discussing this when your daughter moved back in.

As for who can work in the lounge I share my flat with my DD and have offered her the long to work in which would mean my partner and I both staying in our bedroom all day, although we don't WFH. DD is happy to work in her bedroom but we did have some issues at the beginning and have now settled down. She uses the main bathroom and we have an ensuite shower. As I like baths I use her bathroom sometimes.

I think the flatmate is being unreasonable about the bathroom esp as your DD is paying £200 more and your DD is uneasonable about wanting to work in the lounge.

unreasonable

Living room, kitchen and bathroom are all shared spaces so an agreement needs to be made between the two about how these are to be shared. If they can’t come to an amicable agreement then it’s time to look for a new flat share.

They are both being a bit unreasonable

Your DD might pay for an en suite but it seems to make sense that the other one would become the bathroom flatmate uses as well as any guests (other than if DD has a boyfriend over).

There is no reason why your DD couldn't use the en suite. She could have just put more bleach down after she'd used it if she really wanted to.

If your DD only works are home 2 days then she should use the shared space and the other should have it the other 3 days a week. Or they could share and find a way to deal with confidential calls or calls at the same time. Many people are having to share limited space at the moment.

I understand you want to support your daughter but perhaps you should teach her to compromise rather than immediately telling her her flatmate is unreasonable. I'm sure that isn't helping her attitude.

If DD only needs the living room for two days then flatmate gets it the other three - seems fair surely

Seems very fair to me. It's communal space, and should be shared. If they can't both work in there at the same time, they need to time-share, and in terms of time, the flatmate is getting the lion's share.

And if one of them is paying £200 a month more, I'd say that gives them the right to pee in any toilet they like, unless it's someone else's en suite!

If it was a house, and there was a downstairs lavatory, surely the flatmate wouldn't expect DD to go upstairs to use her en suite, then come back down again?

I think the flatmate has got used to having the place to herself during lockdown and finds DD's presence intrusive.