Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

Brits are a bit weird over the food issue. I think I would just buy more food. I also don't believe in charging kids rent. My child was gone at 17. Wish she had hung out a bit longer. I cried so much because intuitively I knew she wasn't coming back. Food and rent don't really matter in the broader scale of things. Your kids will one day be gone and you'll be crying for those years back. Join Mitchell's song:" 16 years and 16 summer's gone now, cart wheels turn to car wheel's through the town..and you tell 'em take your time it won't be long now, till you drag your feet to slow those circles down.

She’s an adult. Why isn’t she using her own products?
The problem is, you told her she didn’t need to pay anything, so she isn’t. Plus she’s taking whatever else she fancies, she doesn’t see it as an issue, that’s the way you’ve brought her up (by the sounds of it).
Your DH has said he will pay for driving lessons, so you can’t very well withdraw that now. How come she hadn’t already had lessons...

I’d hide my products or tell her once they’re gone/used up you aren’t buying anymore as you can’t afford it.
Explain you aren’t being tight, but you’ve lost a wage and need to budget and don’t want to go shopping multiple times a week. Hide the snacks
I don’t think you have much choice regarding Christmas presents on top of driving lessons. She has that level of expectation from you now and for the most part you seem happy to sub her. Get her another ten or pay for the test.

@Zyzxyz

Brits are a bit weird over the food issue. I think I would just buy more food. I also don't believe in charging kids rent. My child was gone at 17. Wish she had hung out a bit longer. I cried so much because intuitively I knew she wasn't coming back. Food and rent don't really matter in the broader scale of things. Your kids will one day be gone and you'll be crying for those years back. Join Mitchell's song:" 16 years and 16 summer's gone now, cart wheels turn to car wheel's through the town..and you tell 'em take your time it won't be long now, till you drag your feet to slow those circles down.

Have you missed how the OP does buy more food and the DD just eats more? When should it stop? Should she just leave the DD in the supermarket with her credit card and tell her to crack on?

Also that the DD is working and doesn't pay any keep while the OP has lost her job so needs to budget?

And that the DD has just spent 2 years working overseas all expenses paid and not saved a penny so clearly thinks that money grows on trees and all money is for having fun while someone else pays the boring bills and accommodation costs?

The OP is already being very generous by giving free board and lodgings to a working adult, she shouldn't also be expected to bank roll an unlimited appetite for luxury foods and an endless course of driving lessons.

@Zyzxyz

Brits are a bit weird over the food issue. I think I would just buy more food. I also don't believe in charging kids rent. My child was gone at 17. Wish she had hung out a bit longer. I cried so much because intuitively I knew she wasn't coming back. Food and rent don't really matter in the broader scale of things. Your kids will one day be gone and you'll be crying for those years back. Join Mitchell's song:" 16 years and 16 summer's gone now, cart wheels turn to car wheel's through the town..and you tell 'em take your time it won't be long now, till you drag your feet to slow those circles down.

Sod that for a lark. I definitely didn't cry when mine left home and certainly won't if they don't come back. Food bill going down was a definite plus.

Never get why mother's weep when their kids launch into the next chapter in their lives. It suggests that they didn't maintain a life of their own outside of being a mother imo.

Ah, gamerchick that's a bit harsh. I see it as my job to prepare my DCs for their adult life and will push them enthusiastically into whatever they want to do with their lives, but I will miss my DD(13) terribly whenever she leaves, and will definitely, definitely cry! It's not really a question of me not having a life outside of my children (I do), just that I love her and will really miss her 🤷‍♀️.

@Suzi888 - I agree with what you write. When I wrote a similar post. someone did not agree. This 25 year old is taking advantage and sounds very entitled

Once you're sharing bathrooms, you have to bag up your bits and keep them in your bedroom - I had to do this when DD (25) was back.

Stop buying snacks (crisps, sweets, biscuits, cakes, donuts). Fill up the fruit bowl. Make a point of buying some foods she doesn't like Look for oaty things, serve soup as a first course at meals, low Glycaemic foods so she'll feel full longer.

Your biggest worry is your DD currently has no idea about budgeting or managing money - now is the perfect time to discuss this because you're having to budget (whereas you didn't need to previously?).

I feel your paying for driving lessons is a bad deal- she'll have no incentive to make best use of them- as she would if she was paying for them out of a budget instead of a bottomless pit.

@wobblywindows. - I agree with what you say. @Didkdt had a go when I wrote a similar post. The daughter is an adult and needs to learn the value of money. Providing food is one thing but she is so entitled, taking whatever she fancies. I was brought to ask for anything I wanted outside of family mealtime, most children don't raid cupboards that I know, they ask first.

She's taking the piss. Charge her for her keep.

Wow - you really don’t like her

Regarding the driving lessons I guess it sticks in my throat a bit that she’s working and not far off being 30

Equally I ne could say that this 25 year old is nearly 20

I don’t resent her far from it. I’m incredibly proud of her. She wants to move back in to the city centre ( where she lived before she went abroad) when she finds her line of work and I tried to talk her out of moving out. I love her being here.

So the talk is about staying short term, living free and eating what you want and staying long term and contributing to the household.

Agree about a date for her to start contributing, that could be paying board, or it could be buying her own food, it could be something else, discuss it as three adults.

Also are you sure she is eating all the Nutella? Absolutely no chance of the younger dc taking some and leaving you to assume she ate it all?

If it's decided that she buys her own food she needs her own cupboard and fridge (or part of a fridge) that is off limits to everyone else

@Strawberrydaiquiris sorry you have lost your job. I think it seems to have got lost here that you are down a whole wage each month!

I agree with you OP but I think as mums we make a rod for our own back. Nip it in the bud right now.

I think your DD should be paying board and I think she should be paying for her own driving lessons at 25

I can relate to the food issue not regarding my child but it was my ex BF!! He was literally eating me out of house & home...

Finally your husband will get sick of having to stretch one wage between you, your 2 other DC plus DD.

Let’s be honest if your husband wasn’t earning quite well most families would be charging board at least!!

I think your DD should have a bit more awareness regardless of who offered what!!

I don’t actually think you are being unreasonable I also think you’re seeing a regression after years away from home. My parents have always been very generous with me and at almost 40 its tempting to go home and accept that generosity (all food paid, they pay when we go Out as a family) and I have to remember I’m the earner now, a grown up with own house, 2 kids etc it doesn’t sound like despite her swanky overseas lifestyle she’s actually taken care of herself much And she still needs to grow up.

I know you said she didn’t have to pay for herself while with you but maybe she should be contributing to food while you are out of work

Sounds like she is starving and binging OP, might be signs of an eating disorder.

@Zyzxyz

Brits are a bit weird over the food issue. I think I would just buy more food. I also don't believe in charging kids rent. My child was gone at 17. Wish she had hung out a bit longer. I cried so much because intuitively I knew she wasn't coming back. Food and rent don't really matter in the broader scale of things. Your kids will one day be gone and you'll be crying for those years back. Join Mitchell's song:" 16 years and 16 summer's gone now, cart wheels turn to car wheel's through the town..and you tell 'em take your time it won't be long now, till you drag your feet to slow those circles down.

That.

Nothing changed since 18th September?

@Strawberrydaiquiris

She can have the driving lessons as they have been promised but they will have to used as Xmas presents. Every year I tell myself I have to cut down.

I will absolutely be like this with my other two.

I think paying for driving lessons for Christmas is fair.

Your daughter is not near 30, she's 25 which is five years away.

This situation is not going to last forever; it's hard that you've lost your job but this is your daughter, your first born, so don't grudge her. Hide the Nutella.

Do you not all eat a decent meal together in the evening?

Dd1 hasn’t spent a penny whilst she’s been here.

Gosh, that must be very uncomfortable for her.

Wow - I really can't believe what I am reading. On one hand happily spending money on your younger children's school fees while regrudging your daughter, who was born to a tougher time in your family life, food. Did she also benefit from private school?

I think it seems to have got lost here that you are down a whole wage each month!

Yes, perhaps this got lost in the wealthy position of someone able to send two children to,private school

So am I right that she’s working now but you’re not? Also she’s not paying keep?

I would talk to your daughter, with your dh there too and say that you’re happy to pay for her 20 driving lessons. But that as she’s working now she needs to contribute to the household.

That’s perfectly reasonable!

Say if she gave you £100 as a token amount. You could save it up as a little nest egg for when she gets her own place.

You sound like a great mum by the way, and as a mum of a high maintenance 24 yr old dd I know how problematic they can be!

@Aridane so she sends her two kids to school to private school from one salary. Does that entitle her DD at 25?

What’s your point OPs DD is NOT hard done by here. Weather you are in a better finicial position than the next parent is besides the point OPs daughter needs to learn how to budget and the value of money. I’m surprised she has lived by herself from the age of 19!

Furthermore you don’t know what OP husband has left over every month.... also he could loose his job tomorrow.

Also DD wage living at home she will have around £1000+ and all she pays is her phone and the gym ohhhh it’s a hard life how much money does one want?
If she was saving for a house or something I could understand I’m all for helping your own children out but this is beyond...

Stop spoiling her then?

She's 25. Sit down and ask her to eat responsibly. Ask her to contribute if you must.

Tell her you're serious about driving lessons being her only gift.

Sounds like a brag post more than anything to me.

Sorry to say that your daughter sounds like a 20 year old, not 25 year old.

Yes, to having driving lessons for Christmas, and maybe one or two other nominal bits.

She should be contributing to household expenses , even if it’s only £200 a month.

Maybe you need to sit her down and have a grown up conversation about finances.

You say she has lived by herself since 19. I’m surprised she doesn’t understand the cost of living more.

It’s as if she’s regressed back to being a dependant daughter, not an independent mid-twenty year old.

How much would you normally spend on Christmas presents for her?

Can you pay for fewer lessons as the Christmas present (up to the present value you’d normally spend) and say she needs to find the rest herself?

Also, will you and/or DH take her out to practice between lessons? That is an investment of your time/petrol/insurance cover.
You said she was moving back to the City Centre when she’s saved the deposit. Will she also be buying a car? If not, maybe it’s the wrong time to learn to drive.