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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on jolly and broke promises

124 replies

Motormouthmum · 17/09/2020 11:08

DH been away all week on a golfing jolly that was planned last Christmas. Due to Covid we were worried about money so I took on a full time job and kept on my part time job (evenings and weekends). In lockdown he said he wasn’t going to go on the trip due to money (others going are all well off), Covid, and DC would have just gone back to school. Then I get the job and it seemed even more sensible not to go.
Then he decides last minute he is going (he is desperate to have a break apparently?!). I reminded him of the reasons not to but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in but he did make some promises that he would drive separately, have his own hotel room, social distance, no pubs and not spend money keeping up with the others. This week I have been run ragged, work problems, school problems, me and kids got colds etc!
I’ve just seen on social media that he has broken all the promises he made-shared a car, room, been pub every night. He is due home tomorrow night and I don’t want to see him right now. I told him I think he’s being really selfish and how hurt I feel.
He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job) and I’m being unreasonable.
I’m really not am I?

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 17/09/2020 11:11

Has he worked full time throughout lockdown?

Can you get a break whenever you choose?

Pumpertrumper · 17/09/2020 11:11

No, you’re not!

I’d be livid with him for going in the first place

bunnyonthemantle · 17/09/2020 11:12

No it's bloody annoying. He's spending money you haven't really got on a trip that benefits only him.

Zilla1 · 17/09/2020 11:15

He says you are unreasonable to be unhappy he broke the promises he made. Does he think you should be happy about that?

YANBU.

So you are working a full-time job, a part-time job and running a house with children. That sounds heroic even with a DP around.

Going forward, will he be getting a PT role to go with his presumably full-time role? Even if so, will he then manage the home and children while you swan off for a break? Would he then be expected to be happy if you promise not to do something that will put your and the families health/earning power/safety at risk but then do it repeatedly across several days? Seems unlikely.

BarbaraofSeville · 17/09/2020 11:15

So you're working more than full time due to money concerns while he goes off on jolly holidays?

Do you get the time and money to do the same?

Deadringer · 17/09/2020 11:15

Jesus he is a selfish arsehole. You tell a tantruming child that they are tired when they make a fuss about something, not your partner, tired my arse. You are pissed off at his selfishness and rightly so. I have no advice though sorry, just posted so that you know you are not being unreasonable.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/09/2020 11:15

I'm a bit on the fence on this one I'm afraid. He shouldn't have gone - that feels clear to me. But once he'd talked you round and he went, I hate the idea of having to 'keep promises'. He's away, he should be free to enjoy himself - did you expect him to sit in his solitary room while everyone else went to the pub? (Also a single room would have cost more than sharing).

So I think he shouldn't have gone, but given that he did go, he should have been free to make his own decisions about his behaviour. I'll be over there picking the splinters out of my arse OP...

Conkergame · 17/09/2020 11:16

He needs to give you an equal trip away now. Only fair!

LouHotel · 17/09/2020 11:20

You are not conveying your anger loud enough if his response is ''your just tired''

BarbaraofSeville · 17/09/2020 11:23

When can you next get time off work? Book something and just go.

Leave him to manage the kids, house and work, just like you are now. If he moans, tell he must be just tired.

Dozer · 17/09/2020 11:27

Your suggested rules were unrealistic, and muddied the issues. Key issues IMO seem to be fairness and cost - assuming no quarantine that would affect DH’s job/yours/DCs’ education.

Confused about how much you and he have been working - have you just started your full time role plus PT 2nd job, or been doing this a while?

Cocomarine · 17/09/2020 11:28

I think the promises that you wanted were totally unrealistic.
No pubs?
Literally no pubs?
When it’s a social week away, and everyone would be going every evening. That was never going to work.

I actually think sharing a room was sensible from a cost point of view, and probably the car sharing too.

I’d be pretty fucking pissed off at the lying, if he’d said separate room though.

Definitely one for the bigger picture of the relationship. If he’s normally pitching in equally and did really want a break - then I wouldn’t begrudge him going and wouldn’t have asked for those promises in the first place.

I certainly feel OTOH that however unrealistic the promises, if you make them, you keep them. But I’ve a small amount of sympathy for him not wanting to be the only one day in a hotel on his own, whilst everyone else is in the pub.

I’d judge this more on his history.

NearlyBaked · 17/09/2020 11:29

You are probably just tired - you need a nice week long break somewhere quiet while your 'D'H looks after the kids and the house.

lioncitygirl · 17/09/2020 11:33

Sorry. You were being unrealistic with your set of rules. Did you expect him to sit in the room all night while his friends were out? Bottom line is you didn’t want him to go but allowed him to in the end. But you put rules on the outing and he was desperate so said yes. Money was tight so he shared a car/room. Makes sense to me.

Perhaps you can get away with your friends for a bit of down time Op. it’s fair.

GabsAlot · 17/09/2020 11:34

how patronising of course youre bloody tired though youre doing everything

it wa never going to be a quiet time away though was it and bed at 10

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 17/09/2020 11:35

I’d have told him to stick his golf clubs up his selfish arse just for the tired comment Angry
I hope you get a break soon op, you deserve it.

TurkeyTrot · 17/09/2020 11:36

The room share probably offsets the cost of the pub.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 17/09/2020 11:43

Can you clarify if you are still working a full time job plus part time job evenings and weekends, as that was how I read it?
If so, that plus children is unimaginable.

Friendsoftheearth · 17/09/2020 11:45

I would be livid, and I would ask him to stay elsewhere, as he has clearly put you all at risk, not only that but left you for a week with a new job and dc - I would not have agreed in the first place - but given you have, the very least he should have done is keep his side of the agreement.

I would assume he didn't think very much of us, our health or our wellbeing. Selfish doesn't even cover it.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2020 11:45

What's the point o0f suggesting that the OP has equal time away? She's worked herself into the ground because they haven't got the money!

As he's probably broken every Covid rule, I wouldn't be letting him back in. He can go isolate somewhere.

bunnyonthemantle · 17/09/2020 11:46

Actually I think the posters saying about the unrealistic expectations whilst he's away are probably right. I think the major thing is he should not have gone. The time to kick up a fuss was before he went. My dh did something similar a few years ago. We weren't well off and he went off on a sporting break, promising he was staying in a hostel and would be too tired for drinking and socialising in the evening. Bottom line was I didn't want him to go because we couldn't afford it and also it's annoying when you're left with the kids but when I found out he had stayed in a very nice hotel and been out drinking and eating every night I was even more annoyed.
Op How's he paying ? Is it coming out of the main account or credit card?

Friendsoftheearth · 17/09/2020 11:47

He has just used all the money you have worked hard for - I just could not get past this. A weekend away as a family if you could stretch to it would have been much better, and would have benefitted the whole family.

ScrambledSmegs · 17/09/2020 11:48

@Nanny0gg

What's the point o0f suggesting that the OP has equal time away? She's worked herself into the ground because they haven't got the money!

As he's probably broken every Covid rule, I wouldn't be letting him back in. He can go isolate somewhere.

I agree. Personally I'd suggest the shed. He's a selfish dickwad.
GetThatHelmetOn · 17/09/2020 11:49

Frankly, if I were working two jobs due to money concerns, I would have been massively angry if he even dared to suggest HE needed a holiday and would be spending the extra money you are so hard trying to earn.

alreadytaken · 17/09/2020 11:52

agree with him that you are really tired and since he has a nice break and is rested he can look after the children for the whole of the next week.