Husband on jolly and broke promises

[Motormouthmum]

DH been away all week on a golfing jolly that was planned last Christmas. Due to Covid we were worried about money so I took on a full time job and kept on my part time job (evenings and weekends). In lockdown he said he wasn’t going to go on the trip due to money (others going are all well off), Covid, and DC would have just gone back to school. Then I get the job and it seemed even more sensible not to go.
Then he decides last minute he is going (he is desperate to have a break apparently?!). I reminded him of the reasons not to but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in but he did make some promises that he would drive separately, have his own hotel room, social distance, no pubs and not spend money keeping up with the others. This week I have been run ragged, work problems, school problems, me and kids got colds etc!
I’ve just seen on social media that he has broken all the promises he made-shared a car, room, been pub every night. He is due home tomorrow night and I don’t want to see him right now. I told him I think he’s being really selfish and how hurt I feel.
He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job) and I’m being unreasonable.
I’m really not am I?

He shouldn't have gone. But your rules were unrealistic !

WinterAndRoughWeather If he hadn't buggered off she wouldn'tve had as bad of a week. And he should support/help his wife if she's going through a hard time/knackered.

Well no, the OP states that they’ve all got colds and have had a bad work / school week. None of which are the husband’s fault. It’s just bad luck. It’s infuriating when other people are having a good time and you’re having a bad one, but that doesn’t mean anyone is to blame.

Room sharing & car sharing probably seemed sensible from a cost pov.

No pubs/not keeping up with them was never going to happen!

But this " but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in"

WTAF?

He's not a responsible adult is he?

But room sharing and car sharing goes against guidelines

Presumably your DH considered whether or not he could stick to the rules before agreeing to them. So he's either a bit dim or he lied.

Errr.... @WinterAndRoughWeather, the OP also states she is now working every single day of the week as well as evenings. You know doing TWO jobs, one during the day, 5 days a week and then one in the evening and weekends, her PT job.

Who would NOT be exhausted doing that AND looking after the dcs all on their own??. It’s a bit easy to just put that on the fact she and the dcs had a cold as of it wasn’t a big issue nor was it going to be a regular feature in her life.
If my partner was working as much as she is now, I would bloody Make sure that she isn’t lumped with all the hw and children too. And that I wouldn’t be leaving her holding the fort so I can go and relax (or rather so I can enjoy myself wo any care for my partner)

Plus, her DH isn’t following the Covid SD rules by sharing the car, sharing a bedroom etc... either.

You don't say if you OH works full time OP?
For the sake of this suggestion I'll assume he does.

I don't actually believe the crux of your post is about covid. You sound very resentful that you are having a shit week and your partner is having a great time.

Relationships are about compromise, and whilst women especially know that working and raising children is relentless and unforgiving I think its important for both partners to be able to take a break sometimes.

My DH and I usually go on a short break with our own friends each year - separately. The other partner stays at home and holds the fort - working and looking after the kids.

However, we work the same hours and take equal responsibility in the family so we'd never begrudge each other some time away to relax and recuperate.

Don't get me wrong,the long weekends or week on your own with the kids and work is overwhelming to say the least, but its important for people to get a break.

When your DH returns make sure to book yourself something with friends and leave him to sort the house and kids for the weekend etc. That way you'll get some well deserved rest too.

Well the husband could be working 60 hour weeks for all we know. Does that mean neither of them should ever go on holiday again? Or does it mean that one is likely to have a shit week, but that can be made up for another time when they get a break?

Are you lot all avoiding pubs and restaurants then?

He couldn't go to the pub? What was he supposed to do? Sit in the hotel on his own?

If one of us goes for a break the other starts making plans for their break. Quid pro quo. Anything else is lunacy or at least pretty dysfunctional IMO.

I haven't been to a pub yet, trying to avoid places for test and trace. If I was going anywhere I would abide by SD rules. I assume OP's DH wouldn't have SD from his golfing buddies

I don't think it was ever realistic that he would go and then simply read a book on his own in his own room in the evening!!!!!

I dunno, there’s a lot of irrelevant detail in the OP which suggests to me she’s had a bloody awful week and is spoiling for a fight with her husband because he hasn’t. It’s not clear at all that he’s spending money they don’t have, and the holiday rules were unreasonable.

I agree.

Also, the information which I would use to make the decision is missing.

It sounds like OPs husband works full time and has done throughout the past 6 months. OP has been working part time (evenings and weekends), but two weeks ago started also working full time. We have no idea how old the children are (or how many there are), other than at least one of them must be school age. So until recently it seems that husband worked during the day and looked after children evenings and weekends, while wife looked after children during the day and worked evenings and weekends.

We don't know how Covid impacted their financial situation in such a way that previous earnings were no longer enough, or to what degree that happened. We don't know if it is actually essential OP works two jobs, if this was her husband's idea or how much he approves of it. For all we know it MAY be totally unnecessary and she is being a martyr. We just don't know one way or another.

We don't know if they really can't afford it, or whether OP would just prefer not to spend the money on something non-essential.

But if husband HAS for the past 6 months been working full time and looking after the children in his down time then he deserves a break. And OP sounds like she deserves (needs?) a break too.

The most unreasonable thing I can see is working two jobs if it isn't absolutely essential to house, feed and clothe you all. It is not good for families or individuals when one parent works themself to the bone.

I'm sorry you had a crap week, OP, and hope you get a break soon.

He's behaved appallingly on several levels OP, but you already know that. For what it's worth, here's what I would do.

When he gets home, be ready for him. He sits down with a pad and a pen that you will have placed on the table, and he lists everything the holiday has cost. The cost of the holiday itself, the hotel, golf, transport etc, and then all the incidentals - meals and drinks out, itemised day by day, any bets they had among themselves, etc. Absolutely everything. Make it quite clear he has one chance to get this right and make a full disclosure, and you will be checking it against his credit card bills, bank statements and social media account. Take screen shots in advance so he can't delete the evidence. Total it up and write the resulting figure on a fresh piece of paper in big and place it on the table between you.

Then you will have a very full and frank discussion about the current state of your family finances and how he can justify spending that amount of your joint money on a selfish jolly just for himself. Ask him what all the admirers of his FB posts would think of him if you revealed to them that he expected his wife to work two jobs to pay for him to go on that holiday. If you can't afford a family holiday, let alone a similar break for yourself, then I'd lay that on with a trowel. Ask him on what basis he expects you to be the Cinderella in this relationship and tell him that is not happening going forward.

I'd also address the issue of him lying to you, and ask on what basis you can believe anything that comes out of his mouth going forward. How does he envisage any marriage working on that basis?

Given that he's also been playing fast and loose re the Covid risk, I'd be asking him which of you and the DC he is most willing to risk catching the virus, since he's obviously not very bothered about it. What's his preferred pecking order there?

I'd be asking him how he is going to repay that money into the family pot, because he'd better have a plan. Perhaps he has some assets he could sell- a set of golf clubs, and possibly a bike? He sounds like the sort of selfish so and so who'd own one of those too.

Make it absolutely clear you are serious about all this, because your one mistake throughout has been to agree to him going for the sake of a quiet life. Make it crystal clear you are serious now, because if you don't you are just teaching him he can get away with this sort of stunt. Time to make a stand I am afraid.

Once trust in a relationship is damaged, it is very difficult to get it back again. I am appalled on your behalf. ☹️

Good luck.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Are you being serious? That is absolutely bananas.

Incidentally, you won’t believe this but both my husband and me own a bike.

@Hopeisnotastrategy Thats something like out of Sleeping with the Enemy. I'd be packing my bags and leaving. Scary.

Thank you so much for all the replies.
I too sit on the fence about (most things in life) the real root of my anger here.

I am jealous he gets a jolly away, I wouldn’t do that because I’d feel guilty but also because none of my friends would leave their families for a week so I wouldn’t have anyone to go with.

He works full time running his own business which is successful (and thankfully hasn’t been as hit as we expected by Covid) but I am and always will be much more conservative about finances as I come from a very low income background. Plus, who knows how we will be affected because of Covid and Brexit, and it’s the unknown that concerns me hence why I accepted the job.
I guess right now we don’t need the full time income but to be honest I am loving the security of it and the actual job itself. I could give up my part time job but I really enjoy it and have done it for many years, it doesn’t pay loads but I get a huge amount of satisfaction from knowing I’ve helped people who need it. (It’s to do with helping vulnerable adults but not care work).

I am tired, and jealous, and pissed off that he gets to do what he wants. He’s generally great and doesn’t do this often at all but still, he has annoyed me and it’s so reassuring to read many feel the same.

The suggestion to total up what he’s spent is a great one!

I will suggest he stays elsewhere but he will probably love that and then I’ll worry about the money spent.

In hindsight I should’ve been firmer and said no but equally he’s a grown man and I’m not his mum! Dickwad indeed.

I am absolutely serious, thanks. There is nothing wrong with expecting him to take full responsibility for his actions.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Fucking hell. You’re something else- if my husband pulled that shit with me I’d be out the door, and I’d NEVER pull that with him. If my husband screenshot my bank statements, my finances and my social
Media and ran a compare and contrast I would consider that a level of dominant control which is totally untenable.

Rather than being angry I’d use some of your hard earned money to have a jolly too
Even if it’s a low cost one

I can’t comment on the Covid bit as rules very very confusing

Right, so, as suspected, you are being a martyr about a perfectly reasonable break. He doesn’t “get” to take a break while you don’t, you are choosing not to take a break and getting annoyed about it. You need to relax.

If you go through and total up his spending with an itemised bill, be prepared for him to do that every time you go shopping? Slipped a lipstick into the Tesco basket? Picked up a pack of sweet? Get adding up. He might want you to justify it.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I am absolutely serious, thanks. There is nothing wrong with expecting him to take full responsibility for his actions.

His actions seemed fairly reasonable even before the OP’s update. Now it turns out she is annoyed and tired and that’s really the end of it.

If my husband pulled a stunt like the one you suggested he wouldn’t see me for dust. Bizarre and controlling.

OP, if you are now saying you enjoy your jobs and the holiday can be afforded, then that obviously alters things a good deal, but there is still the trust issue to be addressed and that's a biggie.