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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband on jolly and broke promises

124 replies

Motormouthmum · 17/09/2020 11:08

DH been away all week on a golfing jolly that was planned last Christmas. Due to Covid we were worried about money so I took on a full time job and kept on my part time job (evenings and weekends). In lockdown he said he wasn’t going to go on the trip due to money (others going are all well off), Covid, and DC would have just gone back to school. Then I get the job and it seemed even more sensible not to go.
Then he decides last minute he is going (he is desperate to have a break apparently?!). I reminded him of the reasons not to but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in but he did make some promises that he would drive separately, have his own hotel room, social distance, no pubs and not spend money keeping up with the others. This week I have been run ragged, work problems, school problems, me and kids got colds etc!
I’ve just seen on social media that he has broken all the promises he made-shared a car, room, been pub every night. He is due home tomorrow night and I don’t want to see him right now. I told him I think he’s being really selfish and how hurt I feel.
He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job) and I’m being unreasonable.
I’m really not am I?

OP posts:

HappyDinosaur · 17/09/2020 15:23

Sell his golf clubs and have a night away on your own

userxx · 17/09/2020 15:24

Well that's changed things a bit, you need to chill out. Life is for the living, stop worrying about what hasnt happened.

blubberyboo · 17/09/2020 15:29

I feel you are being a bit unreasonable
The trip was planned and it is hard to back down and let others down
If you really couldn’t have afforded it then he wouldn’t have gone as he is capable of running a business so why not capable of judging the cost of a trip himself
My only issue would be if he didn’t step up and do the same for you if you decided next week you were going away.
It was unreasonable of you to expect him to sit alone and not have a few drinks

Why not do that? A couple of nights even to a spa hotel with a friend or by yourself if nobody else will go

Takemetothebar · 17/09/2020 15:29

Ah. So you are choosing to work two jobs and enjoy it. The holiday was affordable and he has worked hard on his own business throughout lockdown for it.

If you wanted a holiday and he would agree to it, then I think the problem is all yours. I think he was patronising but right, this is tiredness (understandable!) and irritation that he’s had fun and you hadn’t. But if that’s because you chose/choose not to, then that’s on you.

Takemetothebar · 17/09/2020 15:30

Agree @blubberyboo

You and I clearly feel very similarly.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/09/2020 15:40

It's not so much that he broke a promise but that he out and out lied about his intentions. If he was going to book his own hotel room etc he would have done it and it would have been non refundable. He never had any intention of doing all those things he said, he just told you what he thought you wanted to hear. Outright lied

Dozycuntlaters · 17/09/2020 15:48

Right, so you took on extra work because you wanted extra money and not because you have been financially hit by the covid situation.

You're jealous because he gets to go away and you don't because you would feel guilty and you have no one to go with. That's down to you then, lose the guilt and work on friendships where people are individuals rather than just families. Those issues are not your DH's issues.

That makes you massively unreasonable then and fgs, do not ask him to start writing his outgoings down, if any partner of mine did that I'd be showing them the door.

He shouldn't have agreed not to do stuff he was clearly going to do, but really deep down you must have known that if he's on a golfing week he is not going to spend the evenings sat in his room. He should have been honest from the start but apart from that then yes, even more so YABU

WinterAndRoughWeather · 17/09/2020 16:13

The conditions the OP set on this holiday were completely unreasonable and impossible to keep - he was set up to fail. It’s pretty controlling to make such demands. I’d have lied and broken such silly promises if it meant I could actually get out of the house and have my holiday.

Weebitawks · 17/09/2020 16:30

To be honest, from reading your second post it doesn't sound like money is actually an issue at the moment, more that you're worried it some day might be and you have anxiety over that. That makes me think that he's not actually being that unreasonable and you could go away, bit wouldn't enjoy it

To be honest, I think YABU. He went on a trip you could comfortably afford and none of his behaviour sound incredibly ridiculous.

londonscalling · 17/09/2020 16:35

@REDLIPSTICKANDNAILS

He couldn't go to the pub? What was he supposed to do? Sit in the hotel on his own?

Maybe he shouldn't have gone in the first place during a pandemic!

DragonPie · 17/09/2020 16:44

Right, so you took on extra work because you wanted extra money and not because you have been financially hit by the covid situation.

I agree with this. Also I don’t see why he can’t go to the pub, I’ve been a few times with friends. What was he supposed to do, sit in the hotel room?

QuestionMarkNow · 17/09/2020 17:42

@ineedaholidaynow

I haven't been to a pub yet, trying to avoid places for test and trace. If I was going anywhere I would abide by SD rules. I assume OP's DH wouldn't have SD from his golfing buddies

Well there is no way he would have been able to SD in the same car or in the same hotel room. Or at the pub/restaurant etc...

ineedaholidaynow · 17/09/2020 17:48

Exactly @QuestionMarkNow, which I assume is why OP asked him not to do those things! Although you are meant to SD if you go to a pub/restaurant with people from different households even in your group of 6

LilyLongJohn · 17/09/2020 17:55

Reading your op made my blood boil, so he's happy for you to work two jobs and spend the family money on a golf trip with his buddies, add that to the fact he's also gone back on promises he's made to you, regardless of if they are sensible or not. That's overstepping your boundaries!

I'd be bloody fuming op!

Total up what he's spent and ask him if he's happy that you work two jobs to ensure your financial stability and he fucks off with his mates? Then tell him he's paying you the exact same amount he spent, and then go buy yourself a lovely expensive handbag!

LakieLady · 17/09/2020 17:59

LTB. You can't possibly remain married to someone who's stupid enough to post pics of himself breaking promises on social media.

I'd be bloody livid and would be tempted to make him self-isolate at home.

TitianaTitsling · 17/09/2020 18:04

@LilyLongJohn

I'd be bloody fuming op!

Op has said she chooses to work both the jobs, and enjoys it, particularly the weekend one, she could go on holidays with her friends but they don't want to. But hey let's not ruin the narrative of 'he's a man, he's a bastard' schlep!

yetanothernamitynamechange · 17/09/2020 18:07

"He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time"

But your NOT working full time. You're working full time+another part time job+ looking after children alone. Just that comment would absolutely infuriate me.

HorsePellets · 17/09/2020 18:07

I voted YANBU, but I’ve changed my mind, apart from the fact that he shouldn’t have shared a car or room, or lied to you.

But you are CHOOSING to have two jobs when you don’t need the money because you want to do both of them and enjoy them both. You are CHOOSING not to take any kind of break because other people won’t go with you or other spurious reasons. You are CHOOSING not to spend money on yourself because of standards you alone have set. You are CHOOSING to make your life harder than it needs to be and then expecting him to join in this exercise in sackcloth and ashes.

That’s not fair to either of you.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 17/09/2020 18:10

just read your update where it sounds like you aren't desperate for money and enjoy your jobs. I would still be annoyed that he is suggesting you arent used to hard work but probably less annoyed than if I was working in jobs I disliked because we needed to keep a roof over our heads...

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/09/2020 18:46

@Hopeisnotastrategy that is insane. If my partner revealed himself to be that controlling I'd be off so quickly. The screenshotting of accounts, cross referencing with social media etc is scary and suggests you need mental support.

Friendsoftheearth · 17/09/2020 19:38

It looks like he has got away with it to me op reading your update! You are already making excuses for him.

Job done - he played an absolute blinder, he knew you better than we did for sure, and knew you would do nothing, and hey presto, he was right.

10-0 to him.

Meanwhile that old thing called resentment, that is the thing that kills most marriages. He has no respect for you because you never put your foot down, reinforce your boundaries or dish out consequences for lying and dishonesty, expect more of the same.

RandomMess · 17/09/2020 19:52

Why don't you go stay elsewhere for two weeks so he can self isolate with the DC??

Greypurse · 17/09/2020 20:16

You’re making excuses for him. Did you feel guilty posting on here?
His behaviour is controlling and I’m sure you wouldn’t be working that much unless you needed or felt you need to.
He should not have gone, simple as that.
Hope you’re ok OP.

Suzi888 · 17/09/2020 20:21

@NearlyBaked

You are probably just tired - you need a nice week long break somewhere quiet while your 'D'H looks after the kids and the house.

^^ this

I think it was obvious he was going to break all the rules. Otherwise, what was the point of the jolly! But now it’s your turn ....

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