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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on jolly and broke promises

124 replies

Motormouthmum · 17/09/2020 11:08

DH been away all week on a golfing jolly that was planned last Christmas. Due to Covid we were worried about money so I took on a full time job and kept on my part time job (evenings and weekends). In lockdown he said he wasn’t going to go on the trip due to money (others going are all well off), Covid, and DC would have just gone back to school. Then I get the job and it seemed even more sensible not to go.
Then he decides last minute he is going (he is desperate to have a break apparently?!). I reminded him of the reasons not to but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in but he did make some promises that he would drive separately, have his own hotel room, social distance, no pubs and not spend money keeping up with the others. This week I have been run ragged, work problems, school problems, me and kids got colds etc!
I’ve just seen on social media that he has broken all the promises he made-shared a car, room, been pub every night. He is due home tomorrow night and I don’t want to see him right now. I told him I think he’s being really selfish and how hurt I feel.
He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job) and I’m being unreasonable.
I’m really not am I?

OP posts:
VintageStitchers · 17/09/2020 12:19

You’re working 2 jobs and trying to look after the home and he’s fucked off for a jolly?

Wow, he’s a grade A arsehole.

Make him stay somewhere else for 2 weeks quarantine so he knows exactly how you feel about his stupidity and utter disregard for your feelings and family’s health.

Do you really want him to move back in?

WinterAndRoughWeather · 17/09/2020 12:20

I dunno, there’s a lot of irrelevant detail in the OP which suggests to me she’s had a bloody awful week and is spoiling for a fight with her husband because he hasn’t. It’s not clear at all that he’s spending money they don’t have, and the holiday rules were unreasonable.

12309845653ghydrvj · 17/09/2020 12:21

You’re tired and overworked, that situation needs to be sorted. You need to put innpalce a spending plan, that includes fun money for you both with expectations of what that is. You also need to put in place a plan to give you both equal time off, and ensure you are sharing the burdens.

However you’re totally unreasonable to think think this should mean he can’t have time off, he can’t have joys and a social life—this is unhealthy. You need to make sure uou get the same, rather than being a martyr and trying to control how he spends his time.

12309845653ghydrvj · 17/09/2020 12:22

It does sort of sound a bit like you’re miserable, and pissed at him for not also being miserable. Instead of trying to drag him down, focus on getting yourself the time off and social time he has.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/09/2020 12:23

I don't think he should have gone but I do think it's a bit silly to expect him to go but take the more expensive options (travelling and sleeping alone) then not take part in what they're all doing (going to the pub). What would be the point?

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 17/09/2020 12:30

You are being unreasonable for having 'given in' in the first place. He's a cunt.

ErinBrockovich · 17/09/2020 12:31

Let me start by saying he’s totally selfish going on this holiday when you are working two jobs and money is tight.

However, it was booked a long time ago. More recently you agreed he could go, albeit reluctantly. Imposing unrealistic conditions and then getting angry when he breaks them is unreasonable. Did you really believe he was going to sit in his room by himself on an evening when his friends were at the pub? That was never going to happen.

He should have concluded it wasn’t feasible for him to go.
As he was too selfish to make this call you should have stood your ground. No he can’t go on holiday and spend a load of money playing golf and drinking down the pub whilst you work two jobs, manage the children and run the home by yourself. You would have been to totally reasonable to have taken this position.

ErinBrockovich · 17/09/2020 12:31

Or what @Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd said!

oakleaffy · 17/09/2020 12:32

He shouldn't have made promises to you that would be hard to keep...
A 'Lad's holiday'...it will be basically golf in the day, and pub at night.

You need a holiday yourself!
He owes you one.

londonscalling · 17/09/2020 12:33

@Dozer

Your suggested rules were unrealistic, and muddied the issues. Key issues IMO seem to be fairness and cost - assuming no quarantine that would affect DH’s job/yours/DCs’ education.

Confused about how much you and he have been working - have you just started your full time role plus PT 2nd job, or been doing this a while?

Seriously?

The key issues to me are that he's put all your family at risk by sharing a room and socialising during a serious pandemic!

WeveGottaGetTherouxThis · 17/09/2020 12:34

I think your requests ahead of the week away were unreasonable, but if he agreed to them, and went ahead and did them anyway, I’d be pissed off. He should have managed your expectations better.

That being said, I’m sorry you’re having such a crap week and that he did lie to you.

sueelleker · 17/09/2020 12:34

Tell him he'll have to find somewhere to isolate for the next 2 weeks.

TenDays · 17/09/2020 12:39

YANBU. The current times are an emergency. Going into pubs, sharing cars etc are things to avoid. If he couldn't manage all that by going away he should have stayed home.

Plus, you were working hard while he was wasting money on himself. I wouldn't forgive that.

yellowgusset · 17/09/2020 12:40

Tbh it sounds like you were making unreasonable demands - no pubs on a lads' holiday? Own hotel room? I'd have lied to you too in that circumstance.

Dozycuntlaters · 17/09/2020 12:40

Are you annoyed purely down to the covid situation or because he's having a break and you're knackered. If it's the latter then surely this was a bone of consumption when he booked to go in the first place.

I personally think YABU - what sort of break would it be, no sharing a room, no socialising in the pub, as if that was ever going to happen.

Covid is going to be around for a long time, we just have to live a normal a life as we can. Just make sure you get time to yourself too when he's back with him looking after the kids so it's not all one sided. This really isn't a mountain to die on.

QuestionMarkNow · 17/09/2020 12:47

Sorry but you don’t make promises you know you can’t and aren’t going to keep.
If he KNEW he was gong to car share, go to the pub etc.. because that’s what the trip was about, he should never have said ‘yes of course, I’ll be careful about all that and won’t be doing it’
That lying through your teeth hoping to be able to get away with it because... well now it’s done, it’s done isn’t it.

Now do I get it right that you are currently working TWO jobs? One full time job and then a PT one working weekend and evenings?
and he has the cheek to tell you you are over reacting because you are tired due to ‘not been used to work full time’??

Pandacub7 · 17/09/2020 12:47

I think YABU with the requests, but he was BU for going in the first place. If you’re really struggling with money then it’s a bit selfish to spend a good chunk of money to go away and have fun, whereas you’re working two jobs and looking after the DC.

LannieDuck · 17/09/2020 12:51

Is your PT job one that he could take over for a month (e.g. cleaning) to offset the money he spent on the holiday?

MotherofTerriers · 17/09/2020 12:55

Really selfish of him, you're working two jobs plus house and children while he had a holiday. I'd lose a lot of respect for him for that.
Be interesting to see how he acts when he comes back, does he suggest you plan a break away, take on kids and house, make sure you get some lie-ins when possible. If not I'd bin him

Jaxhog · 17/09/2020 13:06

I'd make him quarantine in a tent in the garden for 10 days, apart from when he comes into the kitchen to make YOU dinner. He'll be wearing a mask of course while he does this.

edwinbear · 17/09/2020 13:13

Golfers are selfish arses by definition though OP, surely you've worked this out by now? It's a game played by men who don't like their families, as an excuse to spend as little time with them as humanly possible.

Does he also spend entire weekend days playing, followed by a leisurely lunch and a couple of pints, whilst you look after the DC?

ineedaholidaynow · 17/09/2020 13:15

Many of the requests that the OP had actually follow COVID guidelines don't they? You may personally think they are not reasonable but they are the guidance we are currently living under during a pandemic. Also he will have spent money that does not appear to be plentiful at the moment.

theDudesmummy · 17/09/2020 13:21

If I found my DH had gone to a pub he would be quarantining (elsewhere) for two weeks.

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 13:22

I dunno, there’s a lot of irrelevant detail in the OP which suggests to me she’s had a bloody awful week and is spoiling for a fight with her husband because he hasn’t.

@WinterAndRoughWeather If he hadn't buggered off she wouldn'tve had as bad of a week. And he should support/help his wife if she's going through a hard time/knackered.

Are you annoyed purely down to the covid situation or because he's having a break and you're knackered. If it's the latter then surely this was a bone of consumption when he booked to go in the first place.

@Dozycuntlaters He booked it in December and OP didn't have an extra PT job due to Corona then or any reason to think she would have one now and be quite this knackered.

Havaiana · 17/09/2020 13:22

When's your jolly, OP?

Plan something sharpish (CV allowing) and leave the kids.