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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband on jolly and broke promises

124 replies

Motormouthmum · 17/09/2020 11:08

DH been away all week on a golfing jolly that was planned last Christmas. Due to Covid we were worried about money so I took on a full time job and kept on my part time job (evenings and weekends). In lockdown he said he wasn’t going to go on the trip due to money (others going are all well off), Covid, and DC would have just gone back to school. Then I get the job and it seemed even more sensible not to go.
Then he decides last minute he is going (he is desperate to have a break apparently?!). I reminded him of the reasons not to but he made such a song and dance that I just gave in but he did make some promises that he would drive separately, have his own hotel room, social distance, no pubs and not spend money keeping up with the others. This week I have been run ragged, work problems, school problems, me and kids got colds etc!
I’ve just seen on social media that he has broken all the promises he made-shared a car, room, been pub every night. He is due home tomorrow night and I don’t want to see him right now. I told him I think he’s being really selfish and how hurt I feel.
He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job) and I’m being unreasonable.
I’m really not am I?

OP posts:

rosesandcashmere · 17/09/2020 11:53

You had totally unrealistic requests of him. It would've been terrible to sit in his room every night when everyone else went out.
You need to discuss that he went in the first place but I don't blame him for breaking those ridiculous rules. Just have a break yourself when you can?

timeisnotaline · 17/09/2020 11:53

The restrictions are a bit much but imagine finishing work only to go to your part time job to earn extra to pay for husband to have fun. While looking after children. To have him condescendingly tell you you’re not rational because you’re just tired.
I think your marriage owes you a serious break. Either you needed the money and he spent it, or you didn’t need it and you are working two jobs so he can go out.

Xyzzzzz · 17/09/2020 11:54

I think you’re angry about the wrong thing it’s not he’s not followed your rules (which seemed unrealistic) it’s that he’s gone off on a holiday when

You’re worried about money
You’ve picked up a second full time job and you still work part time. Leaving you with two jobs a household and kids to manage

nitsandwormsdodger · 17/09/2020 11:56

The promises were not ones he could keep on a boys trip- did you really expected him to sit alone in hotel room white his buddies went up pub
And of course he is sharing a room otherwise it's v expensive

He should not have gone

ShellsAndSunrises · 17/09/2020 11:56

*I think the promises that you wanted were totally unrealistic.
No pubs?
Literally no pubs?
When it’s a social week away, and everyone would be going every evening. That was never going to work.

I actually think sharing a room was sensible from a cost point of view, and probably the car sharing too.

I’d be pretty fucking pissed off at the lying, if he’d said separate room though.*

I think this is spot on... and I'd be absolutely fuming at the suggestion that you're just tired.

GetThatHelmetOn · 17/09/2020 11:56

He's away, he should be free to enjoy himself - did you expect him to sit in his solitary room while everyone else went to the pub?

Of course, why should she be angry, he is having a holiday and that’s what holidays are for... when they are not subsidised by a woman who is not having any fun working two jobs to find money for him to waste and still finding the time to care for his children while he is enjoying himself.

If they didn’t have money worries they could obviously take turns to enjoy themselves with their own friends as they please.

BehindtheBump · 17/09/2020 11:58

Just tired? Patronising git. What are you in his eyes, a toddler?

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 11:58

He says I’m just probably tired as I’m not used to working full time (second week in new job)

If he realizes that then, as you said earlier in the post, that was one of the reasons for him not to go. He shouldn'tve gone.

Will you have to keep up the 2 jobs/do you need them still? It sounds a bit hardcore.

Has he worked full time throughout lockdown?

@1FootInTheRave OP is workinng 2 jobs! Then he expects her to do all the stuff at home while he's away, too.

The room share probably offsets the cost of the pub.

@TurkeyTrot I don't think it's primarily the cost of the pub OP was worried about. She asked him to do the things she mentioned because of the Corona risk.

nitsandwormsdodger · 17/09/2020 11:59

Also a week of his holiday allowance is a lot
so you now have kids in school holiday all by yourself

You need a chat

Friendsoftheearth · 17/09/2020 11:59

He does not sound like he cares very much about you op.

You are 'just tired' keeping the house and kids afloat, he does not seem to care that you are at breaking point with so many responsibilities - he seems largely comfortable and indifferent with lying to you.

Your conditions were made to try and keep you all safe, we are in the middle of a pandemic, if he could not keep to the agreements made he should not have gone, and supported you instead.

I just could not do this, it would break me staying with a man that cared so little for me whilst I was trying to keep us all above water. What a selfish man he is.

AwkwardPhase · 17/09/2020 11:59

You must be exhausted. It's always blokes pulling this sort of shit. You never hear about women doing it. I always see on these threads folk suggesting that the woman books a weekend away and leaves the partner with the kids, but wonder if any ever manage to do that. Also not an option unfortunately when money is tight, and you're sensibly not spending it because you're not a self-important shit head. Having agreed to go he was never going to not go to the pub, etc... though. I think it's more the spending money you can't afford on an expensive trip and the selfishness that indicated that is the issue.

TitianaTitsling · 17/09/2020 12:00

Who has the kids weekends and evenings?

WhereOnEarthDoIStart · 17/09/2020 12:01

YABU - you are just tired. You need a nice week away to chill while he does everything at home.

DoesThisMakeSence · 17/09/2020 12:02

@GetThatHelmetOn

Frankly, if I were working two jobs due to money concerns, I would have been massively angry if he even dared to suggest HE needed a holiday and would be spending the extra money you are so hard trying to earn.

Totally spot on! Why are you running yourself ragged working 2 jobs. And he has spent money on a nonessential golfing holiday. Very selfish of him.

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2020 12:03

Ask him when your break is going to be considering you dont seem to have one at all

maddy68 · 17/09/2020 12:04

I think you're bring unreasonable tbh. He's on a week away and you expect him to stay in when the people he's with are out?
Why?
He arranged this last year. That was when you should have raised concerns. Not now. He went. Don't be a Mard about it and a kill joy. But ensure you get time away with the girls too

corythatwas · 17/09/2020 12:08

What's the point o0f suggesting that the OP has equal time away? She's worked herself into the ground because they haven't got the money!

THIS!!!

WHY is it the OP's job to set expectations for a family with not a lot of money, and to tell her husband what he should do to meet those expectations?

If you live on a tight budget, surely it is up to BOTH ADULTS to remember that and cut their cloth accordingly?

In this case, it was up to the husband to make a decision as to whether he could stick to his budget on a golfing trip or whether he'd be better of not going.

What is he- 10???

And how does anyone imagine that a solution would be for the OP to also go off and spend money that they don't have???

Ditto Covid. Surely it is up to a grown man to decide how he is going to keep his family safe- not for his wife/mother to say "no darling, I think you'd better stay at home because you're not really grown-up enough to make those decisions"???

But primarily- what is it about so many Mumsnetters that makes them unable to imagine that lack of money is actually a Thing? And that spending more money is NOT the solution?

corythatwas · 17/09/2020 12:10

He arranged this last year. That was when you should have raised concerns.

Because the OP should totally have foreseen that there would be a pandemic and that sharing a hotel room with someone outside of your bubble/drinking in a pub might be slightly problematic?

WinterAndRoughWeather · 17/09/2020 12:10

YABU

The conditions you set on him going were ridiculous.

Are you actually hard up or is it more worry about the future with Covid, brexit etc? You didn’t say that he’d lost his job or anything, just that you were (sensibly) worried because of covid.

Yes it made sense to put a pin in the holiday at the start of lockdown when everything was up in the air, but six months on, maybe your husband could see that things weren’t so bad, you had the money and he wanted a break. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a break.

It’s not his fault that you’ve had work and school problems in the same week, it’s an unfortunate coincidence. Maybe you’re just angry because you’ve had a shit week, but the solution isn’t to blame your husband, it’s to make sure you get a well-deserved break too.

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 12:11

He arranged this last year. That was when you should have raised concerns.

@maddy68 This isn't last year, circumstances are completely different so there weren't the same concerns to raise at the time which there are during to Corona. Health risks, income precarious as it clearly is for OP's family etc

kittykarate · 17/09/2020 12:16

Did you come up with the conditions or did he come up with them to counter your sensible arguments about pandemic restrictions and money?

I'm betting the latter.

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 12:17

maybe your husband could see that things weren’t so bad, you had the money and he wanted a break.

This is the OP's extra contribution to the family tthrough a ridiculous amount of hard work that he is squandering.

Are you actually hard up or is it more worry about the future with Covid, brexit etc? You didn’t say that he’d lost his job or anything, just that you were (sensibly) worried because of covid. Yes it made sense to put a pin in the holiday at the start of lockdown when everything was up in the air, but six months on, maybe your husband could see that things weren’t so bad, you had the money and he wanted a break.

@WinterAndRoughWeather If people's work situation was precarious at the start of lockdown, it most likely still is now, or maybe. OP has only just taken on extra work just in case.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a break.

Who doesn't? OP does I'm sure but she can't/ wouldn't clear off if her husband was doing her hours or just adjusting to them, and leave them with the kids to deal with on his own, too.

userxx · 17/09/2020 12:18

It was pretty obvious he would be in the pub every night!! Also a week is quite a long time for a golfing holiday, its just a lad's holiday dressed up as something else!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/09/2020 12:19

Well now you know how he feels about the money you work so hard to earn, and how much he values you. It is going into an account in your sole name isn't it? If not, please fix that.

What he does on holiday shouldn't be an issue because he shouldn't have gone in the first place. If one adult has to work two jobs, then any luxuries paid for with that money should at least be enjoyed by the whole family.

stonesandbark · 17/09/2020 12:19

So you are working F-T plus a P-T job as you have money worries and he is effectively using the money you earn for a holiday, leaving you to deal with everything whilst also working F-T nad P-T!

actually this person put it better than me
Frankly, if I were working two jobs due to money concerns, I would have been massively angry if he even dared to suggest HE needed a holiday and would be spending the extra money you are so hard trying to earn

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