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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 16/09/2020 10:30

I think with issues around loneliness and rising statistics of people who feel they have no friends makes your kind of situation more rare. I think the way social structures have gone, it's rarer for people to have and maintain long-term social bonds that make these lovely stories of retiring together.

There have been times I've liked my friends more than my spouse, but I've always come back to him and have since I was 16. I immigrated at 17 so don't have anyone in my daily life that's known me longer than him.

Also, yes, a bit less than half of all marriages fail, but research into friendships has given some evidence that at the start of a 7 year period, half the people we'd view as our closest friends will no longer be in our lives for various reasons by the end. All relationships can end, even some of our longest and once strongest. They all need to be nurtured.

In an emergency situation, everyone near me knows we're all fucked. Other than maybe my youngest child, I can't drag or carry anyone. An adreneline rush is more likely going to cause me to fall over from messing with my circulation than give me super strength. I'm best suited to calling a professional.

I completely agree with your argument OP that we should put everyone on one other person's shoulders. I've far more often heard it for people arguing in favour of polyamory, but I agree it applies equally if not better in caring for our platonic friendships as well rather than tyeing all that to our romantic/sexual relationships.

However, I also agree with the previous poster that part of it might be that there is less negativity or pressure with someone we're close to and don't live with, that's why he gets 'nice guy'.

I'm in the odd situation that my lodger is my spouse's best friend and at times has been mine, we all live together, and we go through periods where we're driving each other crazy over things like lodger-friend always leaving the salt shaker and other things out on the kitchen counter and why the fuck did he say doesn't know why we're down on plates when we can see he has a stack in his room (when lodger-friend's depression is really bad, it's like having another teenager in terms of mess, I think he just gets numbed to it so didn't see it there). We get through it, but having to deal with each other's shit all the time without much break I think takes the shine off.

Mittens030869 · 16/09/2020 10:34

I agree as well, OP. My DH has never had a close male friendship. He does have friends, but he doesn't communicate with any of them on a regular basis, unlike me. He doesn't appear to feel the lack, as he's always been able to talk to me, but I haven't been well this year, with CFS and now long-term Covid, so I'm not able to support him the way I could before. He did previously have two friends he could go to for support, but one has died and the other (the DH of one of my closest friends) has Alzheimer's very sadly.

We are under a lot of stress with our adopted DDs as well (now 11 and 8). I do think it would help him to have someone he could feel able to offload with. (There are friends he could talk to, but it isn't something he's used to doing.)

Or maybe I'm projecting, as I can't imagine not gaining support from either my DSis or my closest friends.

sofato5miles · 16/09/2020 10:35

I think this ties very much into modern views on marriage and how a spouse should complete you.

My best friend and i have seen two husbands fall by the wayside and a few boyfriends in between. We certainly are looking to enjoy our retirement together. But then, nearing 50 i cannot imagine a future husband having the time to bond into my life in the same way as she has

peachescariad · 16/09/2020 10:44

I don't think this is weird at all.
My DH isn't my best friend. I'm closer with 2 other (separate) friends and could see myself living with either of them. I get on better with women than men anyway.
Sad I know and yes I married the wrong man.

VestroPrincipiDivino · 16/09/2020 10:46

Why does it have to be a competition? I have never understood why people say they love their kids more than their husband etc and certainly can't get my head around saying you love your best friend more?

It's not a competition. People can differing levels of feeling for someone without it being a competition. If somebody asks me "what do you like more, tea or coffee?" I don't say "oh my god it's not a competition! It's a different kind of love!" I just say I like coffee more. There''s no deep thought or obsessing over a ranking system. I just answer the question based on which I like more.

And the same is true with love. I love all of my family and friends, but if I were to be asked (which tbf, only happens on internet forums!!) I would just say I love my kids the most. Cos I do. It's pretty simple to me.

VestroPrincipiDivino · 16/09/2020 10:48

I think the people saying YABU haven't had a best friend in the way you have. You're lucky to have found such a connection

I don't think that's relevant. OP isn't asking if she's BU to love her best friend more and I don't think anyone has said she is. She can obviously love whoever she wants to love! Her question was AIBU to think it's "totally normal", and based on the replies it's obviously not totally normal. It's unusual. Doesn't mean it's wrong, but does mean the reply to her question is yes, YABU.

eaglejulesk · 16/09/2020 10:49

Yes it's wonderful and great to have your husband as your best mate, but what happens if it ends?

My marriage ended 18 years ago, but he's still my best friend (actually, officially he's still my husband as we aren't divorced).

Iknowwhatsgoodforme · 16/09/2020 10:58

Op, I am 100% with you on this. After my children, my best friend is the love of my life. She will never cheat on me, argue over money with me or let me down. She had been the constant in my life since the day I met her - the sister I’ve always wanted. She knows what I’m thinking without me ever having to tell her, she gets me and loves me warts and all. There is no sexual attraction - Just mutual love and respect.

I would 100% pull her out of a building over my h. No doubt about it.

VestroPrincipiDivino · 16/09/2020 11:09

The thing about relationships ending and friendships not is a weird thing, actually. It's only because of how we choose to construct marriage vs. friendships than anything inherent to the husband/friend, IMO.

The reason I sometimes argue with my husband and not my best friend is not because I like or love my best friendmore, it's because I chose to live with my husband and share our money and life and raise kids together, and so on. That stuff causes friction that you just don't get in a friendship.

And the reason I wouldn't stay friends with my husband if our marriage ended is because that would imply a fundamental breakdown of the lifelong social commitment we made — one that I've never made with my best friends. I don't have to be "faithful" to them. If I don't speak to them for a few days or a couple of weeks, it's just fine. I don't have to agree with them on how we spend our money or where we live or how we parent our children or where we go on holiday or what we have for dinner every night!

It's more to do with the circumstances we put ourselves in with each relationship than the actual person. If I swapped my best friend with my husband, the situation would just reverse. My husband would become the friendship that lasts forever, and my best friend would be the person I live with, see every day, share major life decisions and finances with, have a lifelong commitment to, etc. that would be a more difficult relationship to maintain and much more likely to drift apart if it went wrong.

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 11:10

I think that's very true, @VestroPrincipiDivino.

OP posts:
lynsey91 · 16/09/2020 11:11

@Springxchicken I can talk to my DH about absolutely anything and everything. There is nothing I keep secret.

If I see a fit jogger I can mention it to DH. In fact he is likely to point out the guy that he knows I will find attractive. I will point out women to him too. Not that often but we can and do and then have a giggle about it.

I find it odd that some people don't regard their partner as their best friend. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who I didn't see as my best friend

everythingisginandroses · 16/09/2020 11:13

My DH is my best friend. Not saying it has to be that way for everyone, of course, but I wouldn't choose any friend over him. The OP's attachment to her best friend does sound rather romantic to me, tbh.

KarmaStar · 16/09/2020 11:15

This sounds like more than friendship.
Would you let your dh read your post?you are not being honest with yourself op and not being honest with your dh either.
You really should sit down and consider where you are going with your life,you attitude/feelings for your dh read like he is a brother and your friend your soul mate.you are so unfair to yourself and particularly to your dh,he deserves to be with someone and loves him and would put him above a 'friend'.it might cause turmoil but there's no point living a lie.

Springxchicken · 16/09/2020 11:19

@lynsey91

We talk about people on the Tele and stuff together for a laugh.but I think the relationship you have with a female is a different thing entirely to your man. My partner is someone I love and I'm so close too. My girly friendships are important to me in a different way. I would not be pointing out fit blokes to him in the street as that's just going to make him insecure.i don't mean anything by it. Just like my friend doesnt. That's why it's safe to have that bond with a friend.

unmarkedbythat · 16/09/2020 11:24

If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction.

If my DH said he would pick anyone other than out dc to pull out of a burning building before me, whether the attraction was romantic or not, I'd be questioning what the fuck I was doing being married to him. I mean, if you and your DH are happy and secure and he is fine with coming second to your friend, great, but I wouldn't be OK with this.

riotlady · 16/09/2020 11:29

I adore my best friend, we’ve been friends for 20 years and she’s the best person I know. But it’s not the same as building your life around someone- my partner and I have built a home together, we plan our lives together, we made a child together. If my best friend died I’d obviously be devastated and never get over it, but if my partner died my world as I know it would crumble.

Crystal87 · 16/09/2020 12:58

No, my DH would always come before a friend. I don't think I've ever had a really good friend who hasn't at times gone behind my back and done something, so maybe that counts for something, but I am in love with my DH and he's my best mate too. I don't trust anyone the way I trust him. I think it's ok to love a friend but your husband is your partner for life, so that should be the person you put before others and depend upon.

Adifferentcomment · 16/09/2020 13:03

It's great that you have such a close friend. For me, I have some close friends, but nothing like DH :)

lynsey91 · 16/09/2020 13:21

@Springxchicken my relationship with DH is far far closer than any friendship I could have with a woman.

If I were to point out a man in the street DH would certainly not feel insecure. He knows I love him and would never ever stray.

It's completely normal to find other men/women attractive whether you are married or not. Why would me and DH not talk about it. I can say I find George Clooney attractive so why not some random guy in the street?

As I said, we can talk about anything and I think that is the way it should be

OrangeSlices998 · 16/09/2020 13:22

The burning building analogy is unhelpful and pointless.

Anyway.

My best friend is my other half, we speak pretty much daily and she is someone I can tell anything to and feel totally safe with. She was at the birth of my daughter, and is totally my soulmate. I love DH with all of my heart, he is the love of my life and an incredible Dad to our daughter and her daughter and we are building a family and planning more children.

I would be incomplete without either of them, or DD.

Mittens030869 · 16/09/2020 13:23

I know that I'm fortunate in that I've never had reason to think that I can't trust my DH, so I do consider him my best friend.

However, you never know what will happen in life. My MIL had a wonderful marriage with my FIL, he was a lovely man. But then suddenly, in the twinkling of an eye, he died in a car accident leaving her on your own.

Your life partner might not let you down. But you could still be on your own if he dies. My MIL was only 63 when her DH died, and she'll now be 80 next month.

2bazookas · 16/09/2020 14:05

Along with all his other attributes, DH IS my best friend. We were friends before we fell in love and lust.

Some of my other friends (M and F) have been close friends far longer than I've known DH; but none is loved as much as I love him and our children.

DontBelongHere · 16/09/2020 14:19

I can't relate to the OP at all. I find it hard to even imagine feeling that way and I'd be really concerned about my marriage if I did. If my DH said he felt the way the OP does I'd be pretty devastated.

Hannahmates · 16/09/2020 14:34

I feel sorry for your husband. Now imagine your husband saying he would choose to pull his best friend from a burning building over you... Would you honestly be alright with that? Why did you even marry him if you feel this way?

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 14:36

@Hannahmates

I feel sorry for your husband. Now imagine your husband saying he would choose to pull his best friend from a burning building over you... Would you honestly be alright with that? Why did you even marry him if you feel this way?
Because I'm in love with him. I'm not in love with my friend. I'm sure my husband would choose his mum or our children over me.
OP posts:
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