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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report my own father.

104 replies

lilfoxfur · 15/09/2020 19:07

Background- dad is early sixties, is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. Was abusive during my childhood, physically and mentally, to myself, siblings and dm. Mainly booze driven.

Parents divorced when I was 16 so 21 years ago. Dad has gradually worsened with alcohol to the point he can no longer work. Was hospitalised last year for liver damage.

Drinks cider, beer and rum, every day enough to fell a small horse. Also has eyesight issues which are also degenerating.

Tbh I feel I should have reported him many years ago but I did not. Mainly because we have next to no relationship and his job was dependent on his driving licence. He lived with my now deceased grandmother and if he lost his driving license my dgm would have lost her home.

Every evening he travels to a relative, after drinking. He continues to drink whilst there, then drives home. The journey is very short, not more than 5 minutes but does involve a main road.

My dsis called me tonight and said that he did not remember driving home last night. She still has a relationship with him. She was 5 when my parents separated and missed the worst of the abuse.

I have got to the Operation Crackdown website and am hesitating. He's a pathetic human being but he's my only father. Could any of you report your own father to the police? The fall out, if it's found out it is me who reported him is massive. At the moment he is on sick leave from work. Getting arrested will cause him to lose his job, I am having an internal battle. He could kill innocent people. I'd never forgive myself.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 15/09/2020 19:09

Please report. He could drive out one night and kill my entire family without even noticing.

lyralalala · 15/09/2020 19:09

You say he's your only father - if he dies after crashing drunk how will you feel?

Let alone how will you feel if he kills someone else.

lyralalala · 15/09/2020 19:10

And yes I would report. And did several times when my father turned up drunk at my Grandparents house.

Namechangeforthis88 · 15/09/2020 19:10

You have to report him. I'm not saying I would find it easy if I was you, but you do.

Leaannb · 15/09/2020 19:10

Without a second though. Innocent lives are way more important than a quirk of fate

LEELULUMPKIN · 15/09/2020 19:10

You have answered your own question in your last sentence.

If it eases your guilt any do you really want him spending his final years in prison for manslaughter?

Dipi79 · 15/09/2020 19:10

I think you know what the right course of action is, OP.
I reported my mother for drink driving and I didn't regret it. She lost her licence and did not ever drive again.

RandomMess · 15/09/2020 19:11

I understand the guilt at reporting but how will you cope if he causes a crash and someone else gets hurt?

Snackasaurus · 15/09/2020 19:12

It's a tricky one but I definitely think I would. You have to think of not just him but others too. Could you really live with the guilt of knowing he drink drives if he crashed/knocked somebody over and seriously injured/killed them? 😔

SummerHouse · 15/09/2020 19:12

Heartbreaking. Report and let it go. It's the right thing for everyone including him, including you. There's no other option. It's not a choice. You are doing what you have to do. Flowers

lakesidefall · 15/09/2020 19:13

Yes you should report because if the worst happened you would have your inaction on your conscience.
It wouldn't benefit your df either.

DamitJanet · 15/09/2020 19:15

Please report

lilfoxfur · 15/09/2020 19:15

You have all confirmed what I know in my heart. I have. 10 year old ds who is my world. What if another mum loses her world because of my dad?

I am going to report him.

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 15/09/2020 19:15

Definitely report. It's clear that only one of two things will stop him, the police or a tragedy. Which would you prefer?

mbosnz · 15/09/2020 19:15

What if he kills someone else's only father? Or mother? Or child?

He can choose to drink. He does not have the right to choose to drink and drive.

Crystalknobs · 15/09/2020 19:16

Report him. I reported my ex partner, he was the only wage earner at the time and could have lost his job , I’d given up work to stay at home with my new baby . My conscience wouldn’t let me keep quiet any longer.

bonjonbovi · 15/09/2020 19:18

Killing innocents vs losing a job?

Quite the moral battle it is.

Monkeynuts18 · 15/09/2020 19:19

You should report and you shouldn’t feel any guilt.

If he loses his job as a result of drink driving, that is his fault for drink driving and breaking the law - not your fault for reporting it. He’s gambling with his job (and his life, and other people’s lives) every time he drinks and gets behind the wheel.

Plus as others have pointed out, and you’ve acknowledged, the guilt you’ll feel if he causes an accident and harms or kills innocent people will way outstrip the guilt you’ll feel if you report him.

What would you tell another poster who’s written what you’ve written?

MyOwnSummer · 15/09/2020 19:19

I once worked with someone who lost her dad to a drink driver when she was 10. You need to report him.

lilfoxfur · 15/09/2020 19:22

I have reported him.

We'll see what happens now I guess. I have given his address, the address he travels to and the average times he travels, plus all the details of his car.

Thank you all for giving me thar push to do the right thing Daffodilit's such a shame we cannot choose our parents. Luckily I have my dm and she's amazing .

OP posts:
SillyBub · 15/09/2020 19:28

You've made the right decision.

There is not a single person on this planet I wouldn't report for drink driving.

My mum lost her dad when she was little to a drunk driver; she doesn't remember him. She and her siblings had such a struggle during childhood as a result, not to mention the affect on their mum.

Our local traffic police are acting on these reports of frequent drink driving offenders right now. Perhaps they always did but they are highlighting it on their social media. I'm so glad to see action being taken.

You are right to focus on the lives he will damage, he doesn't deserve to be protected.

IsAnybodyListening · 15/09/2020 19:32

Glad you reported him.

My childhood friends Dad was killed walking down the street by a drunk driver. As an adult, a very close male friend of mine inadvertently killed himself by doing the same. And that was after a VERY heavy night of drinking the day before! He was over the limit, lost control..and that was it, gone.

CaptainAthena · 15/09/2020 19:32

Good for you

I would report my drunk of a father too if I knew he was doing this, I would report literally anyone actually. It's just an unforgivable, inexcusable risk to take

Friendsoftheearth · 15/09/2020 19:33

You have made the right decision, far more important to save lives, this might be the push he needs to sober up.

nettytree · 15/09/2020 19:33

Well done. We all thank you for it. ❤️

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