I’m not a fucking bigot.

[FuckHim]

Name changed.

I read the post about the attached poster. As a WOMAN who had a difficult pregnancy, as a woman who considered has had an abortion, I shared this with my DP. We’ve had arguments about woman’s rights before, and he thinks I’m transphobic. I’m not. I just know that women don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. This was another example.

DP has told me how I am wrong for being upset that woman aren’t referenced (but ‘men’ and ‘people’ are) in a pregnancy poster. I am transphobic, nasty and cruel.

Am I wrong to be upset? Considering the abuse I had when abortion came up, this matters to me. It matters so much. My self worth is at an all time low. I already felt disgusted after we had sex yesterday (his pleasure, not mine), and an argument quickly escalated where he kicked me out.

The argument has escalated this time with him taking me keys, telling me to leave, but be back by morning because he has work (so do I, and much earlier than him).

Now he’s decided I’m wrong for trying to leave and actually I’m supposed to stay with DS so he can go. I’m horrible person for ‘putting him’ in that position where I leave.

I’ve been feeling shit and low about myself. All I’ve wanted is a cuddle. In terms of the above poster, I feel like my opinion matters more as a ‘person’ who carries babies. He thinks I’m a bigot. Am I?

I don’t know what I’m asking. I know I’m done with this but I can’t cope with my opinions and views being diminished into nothing.

ChataeuMargaux

@bubblyBarbara People with uterus does not cover it nicely. Women is the word they are looking for. Women and trans men if necessary.“

Forgive my ignorance, Margaux, I don’t usually look at these threads for that reason, I am ill-educated on the issue.

Do trans men retain their uteruses? I had always supposed that hysterectomies were part of the medical transition along with hormone therapies, etc.

(Repeat, forgive my ignorance)

I had a termination at a Marie Stokes clinic in Australia, for reasons which tend to be very specific to biological women in particular. 20 years on, it remains the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt so angry when I saw this poster the other day. Of course transmen also access abortion services, and what we have in common is that we are female. "Women" and "transmen", is what it should say.
Your partner sounds like an out and out misogynist who throws women in general under the bus.

Well said inertia That's pretty well it in a nutshell.

So the word woman is erased. We are invisible and erased.

But man is everywhere?

This is insane. What can we even do. I miss my old learning feminism days.

But surely it's terribly triggering for men who don't have uteruses?

You'd think his compassion would extend to you first and foremost and he knows only women have uteruses. Misogynyistic and mean, I'd call it. I hope you end up with better support.

Hubby is very sporty and can see it issue in sports. I'd be upset if he thought it was ok to unfairly trounce someone because you are of the other sex. Someone can be the best in their own class and it is no lesser and achievement than someone being the very best in another class.

I think it doesn’t matter what view I present - he will always opt to be on the opposing side just for the sake of arguing with me.

That's what he does, yes, because he wants to make sure that your confidence is as low as possible and your experiences and opinions are minimised.

Louise, many trans men have top surgery but many fewer have bottom surgery; just as most trans women hang on to their penises etc.

Do trans men retain their uteruses? I had always supposed that hysterectomies were part of the medical transition along with hormone therapies, etc

Not always and not usually for men who transition as women. No medical intervention needed at all. Just say the words and it is so, like magic.

The world’s gone mad.

Your husbands sounds like an absolute arsehole. My husband is absolutely aghast at what’s happening to woman’s right and has been on to the local schools about mix sex toilets. I’d have to divorce him if he bought in to the TWAW self ID nonsense.

He eventually left last night and I remained here.

We actually are already living separately, so that makes the whole situation worse.

I ended the relationship last year as I couldn’t cope with the arguing and shouting anymore. At their worst, a disagreement about something mundane like washing up would end up with him screaming at me in the street on the way to work. Things settled once we had DS but slowly the stupid arguing became a thing again.

He moved out. Our house is joint owned but I pay 100% of the costs of this home. He rents elsewhere.

We’ve been slowly getting back on track and things have felt nice between us again, but I can see I was wrong.

IRT to the poster - this is just one example of how he talks to me. I see something, want to share it with him because it’s thought provoking/ frustrating/ interesting - whatever reason. He assumes a stance I have (in this case rather than being offended about women being ‘written out’, he’s assumed I’m being ‘transphobic’). Does listen. Shouts over me. Asks me to clarify then shouts over me when I try to talk.

I know it’s over. It should be easy as we don’t even live together but I’d just starting feeling like we could put our relationship back together and it’s obvious we can’t do that.

Doesn’t listen*

Sorry OP, it's hard to accept when something is over, but at least you can start to move forward and leave him in the past where he belongs. I know it doesn't help much now, but thankfully you have your own space and you aren't having to sort living arrangements etc.

@formerbabe the word 'Woman' is being erased because it is transphobic, it excludes trans women. By using 'people with uteruses' trans women won't be triggered by seeing a word which they feel excludes them.
See also:
Those of us born genetically female, who have always lived as female should be referred to as 'cis women'. Because we are only women through accident of biology and not proper women who have chosen to identify as women, therefore we have to have a special name as a subset of 'women'.
Who would have thought that in 2020 they'd have found new ways to silence and erase us.

sorry OP, but you're right. This man is never going to change. He may pretend to but you know what he's like now. He doesn't treat you with basic respect, as an equal.
There are wise women on the Relationships board who may be able to help you navigate what will doubtlessly be choppy waters ahead getting yourself free of him.

He's a total arse and treats you badly. That is a far bigger indication of his attitude to women than anything he has to say about a poster. The real threat to women is men like him, straight hetero men who think it's okay to treat women horribly.

FuckHim You're understandably upset for something you thought could exist between you, but clearly can't because of the way he actually is, rather than the way he can present if he chooses to.

That isn't the real him though and he quickly reverts to who he really is.

Right now you are going to be dealing with so many emotions, but he has seriously done you a favor by removing the source of the unhappiness from your living space: himself.

So if anything all this proves is you've made completely the right decision to leave the bastard! All you need to do now is not engage with him. You can't argue with stupid.

You live with this idiot? Don't. It really isn't worth the time and effort involved.

OP you don't say if you are married or not and that makes a difference on a legal settlement, child support and parental access. Suggest you get legal advice as he clearly doesn't respect you or your rights, he's misogynistic and controlling. And I'm sorry I know it hurts to realise a relationship is over

Women need to be making sure male partners are on board and supportive of women's rights.

A partner that supported the erasure of the word woman, erasure of women's protections and rights and called me a bigot for being concerned would be a deal breaker

@damecelia. Thanks for replying, I've been here a while and am aware of the issues, my question was more rhetorical than literal but appreciate you responding. It's totally bizarre isn't it?! Men can have wombs but shhhh, no one mention that women do...

Agree, this is not about the poster, it is horrible though.

One thing I would try to remember is this seems to me to be a case of projection. It is not you who is the bigot it is your partner.

Very convenient for him to make you feel insecure when your self esteem is low anyway. Why is your self esteem low? Something to do with having him as a partner?

This seems to me like emotional abuse. There is another expression, when someone tells you who they are (and he seems to be doing this between the lines) believe them the first time.

all the best and hope you manage to leave him behind.

I am absolutely furious about the poster. It's been deleted now, but their initial reaction to women's fury at being erased was to call us bigots.

I'm really concerned about this seemingly global trend of erasing the word woman. Women's rights are massively under threat and it's staggering that so many can't see it.

OP, you would be so much better off without him.

[quote formerbabe]@damecelia. Thanks for replying, I've been here a while and am aware of the issues, my question was more rhetorical than literal but appreciate you responding. It's totally bizarre isn't it?! Men can have wombs but shhhh, no one mention that women do...[/quote]
Yup. And pointing out the mysogyny in that paradox in this climate makes you a bigot.

You were wrong to let him back into your life. Tell him this time he does not respect women, he belittles you, he is an abusive control freak.