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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m not a fucking bigot.

233 replies

FuckHim · 14/09/2020 23:42

Name changed.

I read the post about the attached poster. As a WOMAN who had a difficult pregnancy, as a woman who considered has had an abortion, I shared this with my DP. We’ve had arguments about woman’s rights before, and he thinks I’m transphobic. I’m not. I just know that women don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. This was another example.

DP has told me how I am wrong for being upset that woman aren’t referenced (but ‘men’ and ‘people’ are) in a pregnancy poster. I am transphobic, nasty and cruel.

Am I wrong to be upset? Considering the abuse I had when abortion came up, this matters to me. It matters so much. My self worth is at an all time low. I already felt disgusted after we had sex yesterday (his pleasure, not mine), and an argument quickly escalated where he kicked me out.

The argument has escalated this time with him taking me keys, telling me to leave, but be back by morning because he has work (so do I, and much earlier than him).

Now he’s decided I’m wrong for trying to leave and actually I’m supposed to stay with DS so he can go. I’m horrible person for ‘putting him’ in that position where I leave.

I’ve been feeling shit and low about myself. All I’ve wanted is a cuddle. In terms of the above poster, I feel like my opinion matters more as a ‘person’ who carries babies. He thinks I’m a bigot. Am I?

I don’t know what I’m asking. I know I’m done with this but I can’t cope with my opinions and views being diminished into nothing.

I’m not a fucking bigot.
OP posts:
wifflewafflebiscuit · 15/09/2020 00:18

The poster is awful. Your husband is awful. You can't stay married to someone that makes you feel this bad. But you don't have to leave, you can sort out the best plan over a period of time. It doesn't have to be a snap decision.

TitsOutForHarambe · 15/09/2020 00:18

Oh Christ, get out of this relationship OP. The poster is hardly the issue here. Sounds like this relationship has been dead for a long time.

Supersimkin2 · 15/09/2020 00:19

What on earth is a man with a uterus?

DanglySpider · 15/09/2020 00:20

I showed DH this poster last night after I'd read the thread - without me saying anything he said it was appalling that a poster about abortion failed to mention women - it's like there is no common sense in the world any more. You'd never get a poster advertising Viagra to 'women with penises', would you? Or even 'people with penises'. MSA have a lot of backtracking to do.

BlackWaveComing · 15/09/2020 00:22

No, you're not wrong to be upset.

Abortion is a women and girls' issue.

Some women and girls wish to identify in ways that suggest they are not female; that's fine. But it doesn't make abortion a men's issue.

There are so many issues worldwide affecting women and girls needing access to women's health care, including abortion, even in Western countries. Plenty for Marie Stopes to be getting on with without pandering to 'men + people'.

Only women and girls will ever need abortions, because only women and girls can get pregnant.

cathcath2 · 15/09/2020 00:23

It isn't really about the poster (though the poster offends me a lot); you need to protect yourself from your abusive husband.

Get legal advice, squirrel money away and make sure you have ID documents safe.

For you Flowers. You deserve better.

BlackWaveComing · 15/09/2020 00:24

And OP? Like all other males, transwomen included, your husband doesn't get a say in women's issues like abortions. Not his body, not his business.

BlackWaveComing · 15/09/2020 00:25

@Supersimkin2

What on earth is a man with a uterus?
A girl or woman dysphoric about her sex who identifies as if she is a man.
TheDuchessofMalfy · 15/09/2020 00:25

The poster is ridiculous, but that’s not your biggest issue.

Your issue is that he is a complete bastard and you need to get rid of him.

Staffy1 · 15/09/2020 00:32

@BlackWaveComing

And OP? Like all other males, transwomen included, your husband doesn't get a say in women's issues like abortions. Not his body, not his business.
It's not just your body though, is it? It involves a new life that has two parents.
BlackWaveComing · 15/09/2020 00:40

Get back to me when men take more than 0% of the risk of pregancy and childbirth, Staffy

OP, here's the state of things in AU, where the horrible poster came from.
www.abc.net.au/news/2020-09-15/women-in-regional-nsw-struggle-for-abortion-access/12643858

In my state, abortion was a crime until one year ago.

Each abortion I had was a crime. I could have been prosecuted for it, had police chosen to do so. No man in my state was ever was at risk of being prosectuted for having an abortion.

I hope you can leave your husband (or better yet, kick him out, though I know how hard it is). He's just using this to whip you with. But you are 100% correct on this issue.

FrottingTheirBacon · 15/09/2020 00:42

It's not just your body though, is it? It involves a new life that has two parents.

Yes it is just her body. A woman gets to choose what happens to her body and within her body. Not up to the other parent to decide. A gestating person’s decision - always.

BashfulClam · 15/09/2020 00:48

@staffy1 when the ‘new life’ is inside a man’s body changing it irrevocably then he gets a say.Until the child is born the person who is using their body gets all the say.

goldensummerhouse · 15/09/2020 00:50

I like the assumption that female people are the default human

You can assume it, but it's not the case. One of the arguments for continuing to use "men" while erasing "women" is "well, man stands for mankind..."

BlackWaveComing · 15/09/2020 00:51

@FrottingTheirBacon

It's not just your body though, is it? It involves a new life that has two parents.

Yes it is just her body. A woman gets to choose what happens to her body and within her body. Not up to the other parent to decide. A gestating person’s decision - always.

Ffs.

The only class of person who gestates is the female class.

Female people, if you can't bring yourself to say the bad words, 'women and girls'.

This person nonsense obscures the reality that gestation is an issue ONLY for females. Only for women and girls. Language like this is part of the problem just as much as Staffy's men's rights guff is. Two sides, same coin.

Wandawomble · 15/09/2020 00:59

The poster is appalling and erases women.
Your partner is appealing and erases your feelings.
You deserve more on both counts.

Wandawomble · 15/09/2020 01:00

He is appalling that should have said, he’s clearly not appealing! Dang autocorrect.

squeekums · 15/09/2020 01:06

It's not just your body though, is it? It involves a new life that has two parents

Whos body is at risk by being pregnant?
Whos body is at risk by giving birth?
Whos mental health at risk?
The living, breathing, bleeding woman. thats who
No uterus, NO SAY

Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2020 01:13

I hope you can escape this appalling man. I'd not worry about the poster, focus on your own life and your own needs and you need to be away from this awful man. Thanks

Wandawomble · 15/09/2020 01:19

@squeekums

*It's not just your body though, is it? It involves a new life that has two parents*

Whos body is at risk by being pregnant?
Whos body is at risk by giving birth?
Whos mental health at risk?
The living, breathing, bleeding woman. thats who
No uterus, NO SAY

This
Delphinium20 · 15/09/2020 01:24

The poster makes no sense. Only women and girls who have gone through puberty can have abortions. Men have no idea what it's like to be vulnerable to pregnancy. Your DP sounds like he doesn't care about women....I'm sorry. He's being awful to you.

TorgosPizza · 15/09/2020 01:42

The poster is trash. Unfortunately, it sounds like the relationship with your "partner" (not much of one, by the sound of it) is destined for the rubbish heap, too.

Seriously, don't put up with crap from him. He isn't worth being miserable over. If he's always as bad as this, it's time to think about your other options. You don't have to live like this.

VestroPrincipiDivino · 15/09/2020 01:45

Why would "people with a wanted pregnancy" need abortion services?

MandalaYogaTapestry · 15/09/2020 02:12

Out of interest, i checked Marie Stopes' main website. Fortunately, the use of women throughout.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2020 03:10

It's a terrible poster and Marie Stopes Australia has now removed it (and the associated thread) and issued an apology for posting it in the first place (which also seems to have been removed now)

But all that aside, your husband is an utter bastard and you should just get rid of him. If he's volunteered to leave, slam the door on his arse on the way out and never let him back.