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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas hosting headaches... DM/MiL

121 replies

Haribo1985 · 14/09/2020 17:55

Hi MNers... needing some impartial advice on if IABU or not, so thought I would put this to your collective opinions! I'm relatively new to the site so please be gentle... it's quite petty really, but it's causing me a headache!

For background, my DH and I have been married a few years and have a newborn DS together after finding each other later in life than we would've liked (35-40). Both of our fathers have passed away leaving DM and MiL.

We have generally spend Christmas taking in turns hosting us all between DM, us and MiL as we all get on relatively OK.. and now is when the annoying yearly debate on who hosts Christmas starts looming.

Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house.

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy, so I just want some opinions first to gauge if IABU by telling them how it will be, or should I be more considerate of them wanting to host at their houses?

My thoughts would be that they have already had lots of holidays with their DC and chances to enjoy plenty of Christmases at home when we were growing up, but now its our turn to do as such with our DS. After a few petty disagreements recently I've lost all perspective though, so i'm not sure if I am just being selfish.

YABU - Be more fair, suck it up and share it out!
YANBU - Your new family, your new rules... you are not being selfish to tell them you are having Christmases at home in future, and they are always welcome to come join us.

Thank you in advance xx

OP posts:
Fearicecream · 14/09/2020 17:57

Do you or DH have any siblings?

mbosnz · 14/09/2020 17:58

Do it.

It might take a bit for them to wrap their heads around the new world order. Alternatively, they might think, 'oh thank God, someone else to shoulder the majority of the headache of Christmas' - which could also be a way to present it to them. . .

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/09/2020 17:59

I'd be over the moon if I was you mother or mother in law.

PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 17:59

You could certainly suggest the idea and see how it goes. Maybe one of them will be happy to stop hosting! Maybe as a compromise you could host alternate years and they could take it in turns in the in between years (so they each have a turn once every 4 years).

WisestIsShe · 14/09/2020 17:59

I think YANBU. Children are the focus of Christmas and the should be able to enjoy it in their own home. What you propose is fair and it's up to them whether they want to make an issue. It's not like you're saying, we're staying at home and you're not welcome.

Lockdownseperation · 14/09/2020 18:00

Yanbu

MissConductUS · 14/09/2020 18:02

If you're okay with cooking and hosting it's perfectly reasonable.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 14/09/2020 18:03

YANBU but it also sounds like you are seriously overthinking things. Tell them you are staying at home this year, tell them they are invited then they decide whether or not to accept. If they are unhappy then tough luck. We always stay at home, without visitors, our mothers still speak to us.

2littleguineas · 14/09/2020 18:03

How did they spend Christmas while raising their own families? If it were in their own homes you can point that out.
It's lovely that you've already found common ground to include everyone at Christmas up until now.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2020 18:04

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy...

Oh well then, correct? It's not your job to ensure their happiness and approval over every aspect of your life. You have your own family now so it's your turn to make your own decisions and traditions. Your mum and MIL had their chance with their families, now it's yours. It's not as if you are excluding them, you just want to celebrate Xmas morning in your own home which is completely reasonable.

TheFuckingDogs · 14/09/2020 18:04

If either of them are big on being the person to cook Christmas then I would say you’re happy to delegate that to them this year - even better if they fancy doing it together!
But don’t see a problem and can’t see why they will unless other siblings to take into account - then I think you just have to do what works for you

tiredanddangerous · 14/09/2020 18:04

I doubt you'll have to worry about it this year given current Covid rules!

Mamagotskills · 14/09/2020 18:04

It’s what I do. My kids always have Christmas at home, I like my roasties best.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/09/2020 18:08

Would they be completely on their own otherwise? Or would this mean you preparing Christmas dinner every year for everybody and them both staying at yours for Christmas every year?

Original poster
Haribo1985 · 14/09/2020 18:08

Fearicecream We both have siblings but they are too far away or don't make the effort. If DM or DMiL weren't with us, they would be on their own at that time of year which we wouldn't be comfortable with.

OP posts:
Mumtumwobble · 14/09/2020 18:08

We continued to share when the dc were babies, but once the youngest got to 2 we did exactly as you described. My mum was ok about it, but mil and fil were a bit put out at first. They got used to it and it’s fine now.

Gobbycop · 14/09/2020 18:10

Your family your rules.

You said it.

Varjakpaw · 14/09/2020 18:10

If neither of you have siblings that seems like the ideal solution.

PotteringAlong · 14/09/2020 18:12

I did exactly that. Said that we would be having Christmas at home and anyone who wanted to come was more than welcome. It’s fair to say my MiL wasn’t massively happy about it, but also fair to say that my lovely FiL told her to get a grip and she’s been every year and enjoyed it. Once the change was made she was fine.

movingonup20 · 14/09/2020 18:13

I put my foot down and said everyone comes to us at a certain point. It worked fine. I always say they are welcome to make other arrangements (wishful thinking) but everyone comes to me including my single siblings. This year goodness only knows because I'm moving , live with someone else and there's the rule of 6!

twoshedsjackson · 14/09/2020 18:13

I agree with 2little guineas Start with a trip down Memory Lane, reminiscing on Christmases past, when they celebrated cosily at home with their DC, then gently steer towards the notion that this sounds so lovely, it's just what you want for you little one.....
I'm not GM but a godmother, and we started a new tradition where we all went to the Crib Service on Christmas Eve, back to mine for tea, after dark on Christmas Eve counts as Christmas having started, so open a few presents, stuff full of food, send home to sleep off the carbs as they waited for Father Christmas. They show no sign of wanting to stop, although now they are adults, we've shifted it to lunch.
When I was a child, we cousins met up on Boxing Day, rotating between three households, having had Christmas Day as nuclear families.
Children will accept whatever happens as "traditional" .

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 14/09/2020 18:14

In all honesty I'd give it time before saying that's how you'll do Christmas forever more.

Christmas Day with kids is actually quite hard work; they're up at the crack of dawn, and they are so excited they want all toys played with immediately. Meanwhile you're cooking and cleaning like a demon.

It's so much more relaxing to be able to rock up at someone else's house, get your dinner made, and bring the top toys of the day to play with.

I don't know why you need to lay down the law like this forever. Can't you just do it a year at a time, see how you feel once you've got a toddler, etc?

Crumpets · 14/09/2020 18:15

Why don't you go abroad somewhere just before Christmas then when you get back you will have to isolate so you can have Christmas on your own and then next year you will have set a precedent.

maxelly · 14/09/2020 18:15

I don't know, if you only want to spend Christmas at home then I guess tell them so and it's up to them to come or not, but making your DS the excuse and proclaiming that this is how it will be for the next 18 years seems a bit much. I don't think DC need to be in their own homes for Christmas to be special for them, surely children are always excited and the centre of attention at Christmas whether at home or at grannies or wherever? And you can have special 'family unit' traditions without having to always be at home for christmas surely? And besides, this year he's a baby and won't know what's happening anyway? Really what you mean is that you/DH want to be at home and don't want to travel, which is totally fair enough given you have a newborn... I'd stick to that rather than giving DS the 'magic of Christmas', 'all about our little family', 'you had your chance when your children were young' type lines which I think just tend to put the older generations back up TBH!

BlueJava · 14/09/2020 18:15

Start as you mean to go on is my advice! Don't get into the habit of "DM one year, MIL the next" and so on because is it so draining. A friend of mine dreads it every year and I don't want to be like that. We have always had Xmas in our own home when in the UK, but we also go abroad too. I am happy to host ILs on another day and my parents on another day.